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Igrat's Journal

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Gender: Unspecified
05:51 Aug 12 2012
Times Read: 388

Gender: Unspecified. More than one person has messaged me to ask what my gender is or why did I not put it down on my profile. Let me start off by saying that it was intentional and it was with reason. I have been a member of a good number of online communities in the last 10-15 years, many of these in the pagan community. I used a rather unusual user name on many of these forums, one that did not reveal my gender, and I learned something interesting. People treated me differently when gender did not come into play.

I think what was happening was that people got to know me without any preconceived notions based on gender. As they got to know me, they assigned a gender to me in their mind and they were not always right. At first I was unaware of any of this until something happened that was rather telling. Before I get into that, I need to say that the question of gender is not cut-and-dried with me. Our society must cubbyhole everyone into either male or female. Not everyone falls into one or the other so neatly. For the record, I'm male, but things got complicated when I entered puberty. At 12 years of age, I began to develop breasts. I was taken to several doctors about this but was told this sometimes happens and it would correct itself. It never did. I’m not really comfortable with talking about this, and I’ve probably just ended most any chance of sharing my true identity on here. Let me just say that the adult that I became is rather unusual, but I’m completely natural. Certain male things didn’t develop, but I seemed to have had a low level of estrogen, so certain female things did develop over time. The resulting product, me, is a rather androgynous thing to look at if I stood naked before you.

Now let me tell what happened in one particular case online. Like I said, I had a name that was unusual that I used online. It was a variation of my circle name. I became aware of what was happening with people’s perception of my gender when something happened. I had made friends with a woman who was a High Priestess and we both grew to admire each other’s views on a pagan forum. She invited me to participate in an online discussion group and after a bit of cajoling on her part, I accepted. Part way in, I came to a realization. This was an all-women’s group. This HP had gotten to know someone with a gender neutral name, nothing that stated a gender, but thought I was female. I told her the truth off to the side and she felt terrible for both me and the group. To make another long story short, some people see me as male, some as female and some can’t form an opinion. But regardless, they get to know me and, as I described above, I really can’t be cubbyholed. I’m just plain me. Of the three options, “male,” “female,” or “unspecified,” it is the last that is most true for me.

So, to recap for the record, my driver’s license and birth certificate say male. Nature made me androgynous. I see myself as neither male nor female, at least not wholly as either. If you have used gender specific pronouns, or addressed me in any gender specific way, please don’t apologize. Those things mean nothing to me and I guarantee that I’m not hurt or offended.

This has never been an easy thing for me to discuss and doing so here has been hard. I guess it came down to the fact that I’m here trying to find myself in a way. You can see that if you read my profile and previous journal entries. By including this part of me here, in what I hope is a safe environment, I’m hoping that it will help me on my journey. If anyone has questions or would like to discuss this, feel free to contact me privately. I won’t mind as long as your tone is both respectful and tolerant. If you ask something too personal, I will let you know.

My username here, “Igrat,” and my avatar and other things are also part of this story. I don’t want to make this post too long, so I will continue with them in my next post. Look for it in a day or two. Consider it a “part two” to this piece.