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I'm so relieved to be off my feet, as I've been working every single night for the past 6 days, a total of about 54 hours. I feel accomplished that I did it, of course, but some rest is also good, so I can do better.



When I got home yesterday (umm, morning time, so things are in reverse for me, lol) I drank some tea and went online doing stuff and trying to go to sleep. Then i got hungry, but I didn't wanna leave the house, so I just sat there listening to music. My friend comes over and she hands me some chow mein and spicy ramen (Thanks!!!). And after that, I went to sleep.



I just woke up, about an hour ago, with food on my mind (again). So I promptly ate one of the chow mein boxes and I feel okay. Which sorta brings me to this next thought: I haven't really been eating much, just often, and am kinda wondering if I'm losing weight and I just don't know it. Hmm... I guess I'll ponder it for another time.

I'm stiff from anger and lack of sleep. Lack of sleep from 4 days of foot and back breaking pain, but a few to recover and do it all over again. Anger from wanting to fix what's wrong and not being able to, because it's my fault. It's always my fault. Haven't I suffered enough in my wretched excuse of a life only to then be brought down by the simple, inexplicable fact that the Universe, in her "infinite" wisdom, decided that I be her pissmat? Perhaps it'd be more useful for my love that I not be, that my energy become something else than a pathetic worm on the shit-ball we call Earth.



I don't get people. Maybe I'm not meant to. Maybe i'm just an alien that should be studies and prodded and examined like some terrible low-budget circus act. Maybe it's them that I don't understand, the way that they think they're entitled to everything that they want and deem important, maybe it's their constant need to inhale dead animals' flesh and salty bread and deem it worthy to be consumed.



I want to feel whole. I wan to feel anything else other than hurt and loneliness and the strong desire to put me down.



The constant fear of knowing that i will always think of things a little differently, and it'll be my fault as well. I fuckin hate it, I want to hate it until the day i exhale my last, and then I'll hate it some more. Because to the Universe I'm useless and weak, and what I've overcome doesn't mean anything. That I'm to suffer alone, and cannot die. This is my cruel, bone hard, cosmic fate. And it's inevitable.

*places a heating pad on my legs, curls up into ball*



I can't talk for long, because I've gotta get ready for work in a few, but let me be the first to say that I'm really tired. Not just like sleepy, but like I-wanna-be-put-out-of-my-misery tired. Like, I wanna be in a coffin bed, locked away in permanent darkness, tired.



I'll explain.



At my new job, I work 9-hour days (erm, nights), and I'll be working about 6 of them in a row, which started yesterday, and won't end till like next Tuesday. The Tuesday coming up. And my bones are aching. Not to mention the social anxiety and still getting used to staying up all night and working until I wanna pass out, and then working some more. I've noticed that it's changed how I interact with people and my emotions. And sometimes I get scared that I'm gonna be seen as useless or worthless, and a waste of energy to work on, so I get the constant worry about being canned and then what? I've nowhere else to look for a place to work, which means I won't have a place to stay, and it scares me. I'm actually trying not to cry at my computer, just thinking about it. I'm worried that I'm gonna panic and flip out, and that would just be HORRIBLE, because I already feel like the other people are nice, but for their own self-interest. I feel like I'm in competition with everyone else, to try to do the best, all the time, and that I'm being talked about when I'm not around. i feel that some people hate to see me there, and I know I shouldn't care, but part of me really feels that the majority of the people I'm there with feels that I'm just a slow, pathetic person who's only good at putting on a face and shoving said face with food. And I feel awful about everything.



Why must being an adult suck... so .... much?