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I am so messed up....I missed my dr appt today...now will be stuck with the drugs....was hoping to see if something different or not so loopy....needed to be there....thought it was tommorrow....



The emptiness is growing again...gnawing at me...I try to fill my time with ones who say they care and love...but, that is how it always begins....followed by more emptiness when reality sets in for them....



They really don't understand....so much is left unspoken...I can't vocalize most of what I think and feel. They won't understand the blood and pain and the mindless ramblings. They will only be angered my the voices that talk to me and keep me awake at night. He will always be there at night...taunting me and reminding me of the worthlessness that I possess.



Nobody no matter how strong they may appear on the outside will ever fathom the dark evil inside of this shell....I myself can't comprehend most of what I feel and see....I manage it...the best I can do...I won't hurt her...he thought I would...I won't. She is my angel and nothing will harm her and live past a moments time.....



I wll possess all the pain..I will consume myself with the scars of this cruel and fucked up world. She will not endure what I must live with each day. I must protect her from the evil bastards such as the one who keeps me at night. I pray that I can be free of such evilness and find peace in the darkness...I look beyond the walls and find only fear in my gut. I most seclude myself once again to protect her and develop some sense of sanity to live.



I am so close to death, but so far from it all the same....I will live for her and her alone...without her there is nothing....no life...no love...

This feeling is far worse than any hangover....at least on a drinking binge it would be fun for a while.....I can't believe I allowed him to watch my fury and self infliction of pain...I am sure he was thrilled and found some joy in watching me self destruct without even a semblance of awareness as to his watching eyes. Today, I see the damage....it still stings....clawing and tearing of flesh....while incomprehensible to him, it drives me to a point of no return. I feel so drained....when will this end....I want to die.

So unfair to not be able to .....i need jewels and will have to deal with other outlets ...my eyes are burning.............make the pain stop.

He's packing....I already feel so alone. Why couldn't he just love me.