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Am I some crazy psycho bitch?



I dont know I havent quite decided yet.



I let myself fall so deeply into things.



Everytime I have an inkling of happiness it is ripped away from me.



I must have a "use me" sign on my chest.



I should understand that happiness is only temporary.



Its not real, its an illusion set forth by manipulators to get us hooked.



Damn I must have been one stupid fish.



According to my astrological sign I should excel when there is competition, but the truth is I usually back off.



I figure that if somebody is interested in me for who I am, then that should be enough.



I WILL NOT compete for love.



Either I am loved or I am left alone, either way its cut and dry.



You cant "sorta" love somebody like me, you cant.



I feel like my heart had been taken away in a whirlwind, and it felt good for a while to be aloof.



Now I think it is ready to drop it, to let it fall thousands of feet, all the way down.



I am forced to see it in slow motion, but for the life of me I cannot run to catch it.



I have to let it fall.



The DAMN tears sting my fucking eyes!



I dont know how I should be feeling, I FUCKING HATE EMOTIONS!



I keep telling myself, "You've never even met the guy, you idiot!" but Im so stubborn I wont listen, even to myself.



Im over-reacting, yeah, okay, but this is me.



I over-react, I freak out, I scream at the walls and bang my fists on the floor as I am throwing a fit.



I tear at my hair and attempt to make my lips bleed, I need to know I am still there.



I can feel myself slowly going numb inside and the pain is trying to turn itself into the nothingness that was there before it.



Im trying to keep the pain.



At least it lets me know that I am still human.



A guy once told me that I shouldnt be ashamed of my emotions, but they are embarassing in a situation such as this.



Why should I really "feel" anything??



I have only spoke with this person nearly every day for a whole month.



I am over-reacting.



I wish I didnt understand that the average person would think I was totally insane for even getting attached to a voice on the phone, or an image on a webcam.



I have been told several times that I am going to fast.



DAMNIT.



I GO TOO FAST.



I dont know how to take this.



I have never gone slow, I dont know the meaning of slow.



I wish I could learn, but I think I might be too impatient.



Always, Nichole, always pick the wrong man...its served you well in the past, why stop now?



I really hate myself sometimes.



I wish he loved me.



I wish I loved me more.



I think more and more I am starting to disappear.



Maybe one day I will be a walking, talking, smiling shell.



That would solve everything.



I wouldnt need anyone or anything I couldnt provide myself.



I am surrounded by darkness, a thing I have been accustomed to since about thirteen.



Everytime Nichole sees a light at the end of the tunnel she rushes towards it, not caring how many semi trucks are barreling toward her.



Maybe someday one of them will just flatten her.



Then I wouldnt have to worry anymore

I love pretzels, you can be feeling sickly cause you drank so much and then eat a couple handfuls, and BAM feeling like slamming a few more. Pretzels must be a wonder food or something. They soak up the alcohol and make room for another buzz....damn I sound like a drunk.



I wish my Richard was here. He would most likely laugh his ass off at me. I wouldnt mind, though...its a likelyhood that this wouldnt be the last time he saw me drunk....

I love my tequila rose. Its smooth and savory. Energy beer as a chaser and Tequila Rose shots a plenty. Damn its been a long time since I have tried to get drunk. I know it has to be funny to read a journal entry when you know somebody's been drinking, but I think its probably the most honest I can possibly be...no inhabitions, lol.

Yes I know I have a daughter, well she's in bed. I am not alone, so I suppose if I get to the point where I cant walk, my neighbor will make sure Im okay...so no worries. I have bought some pretzels so that if my stomach starts to turn...I have a soaker-upper!! Yep...I actually thought ahead.

So...about something else...I am so in love with my pet, my Loveninja...and yes Im going to call you out, my Richard. I know we have a little bit of an age difference, but I think that is what I need right now. I need somebody with a little bit more than the maturity of a fifteen year old....no I didnt marry a fifteen year old or anything, but damn, he seemed that immature.

I hope this works out...there is such a difference in space from Missouri to Florida, but he seems like he is more than willing to come and see me and possibly eventually come down here. I cant wait for him....I would like to meet him as soon as possible, I am sure that cam to cam isnt doing him justice. Oh well, I often wonder if its possible to miss somebody you have never officially met....because I honestly miss him. Everyday we talk and see each other through a pane of horrible glass. Soon my sweet, my pet, we will be together....until then Love me