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I have so many questions left unanswered, so many things that I need an explanation for and at this point I've come to a dead end. I have given up hope once before adn no longer will I.



For those who hold the keys to the information I need you can help and will always be appriciated and for those unwilling to to I understand your hesitance. All I ask is for you to remember those moments when you almost gave up hope but cause you didn't know where to turn and understand now why i can't give up mine.

I couldn't help but feel pain with the loss of my father on my 19th birthday. I had watched a man I love slowly die infront of me... or at least thats what everyone believes. In honesty if my dad (step father) hadn't insisted that I go see my father on the spring break of my senior yer I probably wouldn't have shed a tear.



A rift had developed between my father and I when i was 15 because my step mother was an abusive whore that i could no longer put up with. It all went wrong when i mouthed off to her telling her to go to hell and she burried a kitchen knife into the back of my hand. Bleeding and full of hatered I decked her sitting her on her ass.



When my father came home I was still bleeding, he never let me tell myside of the story nor could I hop the ride tothe emergancy room where I would later get 5 stitches.



Instead I walked the 8 and half miles into town where I used a pay phone to call a cousin to come and get me. From that day forward i stopped caring. Then i heard how bad he was and I didn't seem to care but Dad insisted i go see him.



If I hadn't he would have passed and i would have nothing to regret, instead I saw him and I swear part of my heart was ripped from my chest. I felt so helpless and so full of shame for my action, then when he died on my birthday part of me died as well.

Everyone remebers the moments that changed their lives but most are memories or historic days in their lives. The loss of loved one, graduation, the words you needed to hear from a friend... etc. My biggest turning point was no such day because I had given up on turning points so many years earlier.





I sat on a swing set in a local park. The evening had just started to take hold and the sky was growing dark with shades of violet and red. A police car drove up and a local officer who was a friend of the family rolled down the window.



"Kat are you here by yourself?" I nodded to him and he shook his head. "Well just be careful and don't stay out here too much after dark." With those words he drove back out the exit and along the way with his patrol.



I have often done my best thinking sitting on a swing or lounging in a tree childishly. Perhaps because I do not feel bound to responsibilites when there. It was at that moment i looked up at he sky as it changed over head and began to ask the questions that i wanted answered so bad.



"Father, I know you can hear me, so why don't you answer? Why not enlighten me to why I must face such termoils or pain? They say that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. What if we are already dead on the inside? How much stronger do we need to be made?"



It was at that moment I felt a tear run down my cheek, a tear that had longed for release so many times. A tear I faught with day in and day out to keep tucked away with my long forgotten soul. I reached up to brush it awy but then stared at the small drop where it moistened my fingertips.



I sank to my knees right there looking heavenward. "I'm not going to cray again, I am going to rebel against you, against all that i should be and be just all that I am. Then, then it will be your tunr to cry." As if in answer to my cry the clouds began to weep softly at first then in buckets of whater with flashed of lightning painted across the sky showing anger and pain.



I didn't run, instead I lifted my fist to the sky. "I'm done your heavens may weep" I closed my eyes and told myself that from now on I would rebel and follow my heart and not my path, because after all we the rebels wore raincoats and the rain fell like tear drops from the sky.