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I don't understand this idea that everything needs to be a situationship now, or that treating people as a 'placeholder' until something better comes along. Especially now with those in the 40-ish age range.

I've been working on regulating my nervous system and the triggers that arise with 'getting to know' someone. Knowing when to stand back, be mindful, and pay attention to what is and isn't being said. Also, to notice the indecisiveness of answers, if things are being reciprocated, or if there is a genuine interest and not just the desire of conquest. That has always grossed me out. When I was younger, it was a horrible feeling when the realization of that hit. I can't imagine what it would feel like now.

It's so.... perplex.

Disappointment can be... frustrating.
Whether it’s with a person or a situation beyond your control, sometimes it just hits you. And all you can really do is lower your head, let out a long sigh, and tell yourself, “Once again, we’ll get through this.” Because, really—what else is there?

Lately, I’ve been disappointed in people. In their unreliability. In the games some play. In the lack of basic consideration. Don’t say you’re going to do something and then blow it off without a word. That applies to both dating and friendships.

I’m not claiming perfection. I’ve had my moments in the past too. But I’m holding myself accountable and using those lessons as part of my personal growth. I’ll always be a work in progress. I’ll always believe in giving chances—but I refuse to be anyone’s doormat.

And it’s not just people—I’ve also been disappointed with my body.

There was no clear reason why I developed Cauda Equina Syndrome so young. At least, nothing was ever really explored. But with some recent symptoms and CT scan findings, I’m starting to wonder if I’m dealing with something more—possibly a musculoskeletal disorder. I’ll be talking to my PCP next month.

Having an invisible illness adds another layer of frustration. There’s so much people don’t see or understand. But that’s a story for another time.

This setback has slowed progress on getting my business projects off the ground. Still, I’m not letting it stop me entirely. I’m in the process of turning part of my utility room into a small office space for virtual coaching and design sessions. It won’t require much—just enough to create a clean, functional studio space.

I’m also planning to redo my living room. Not just for aesthetic reasons, but because I need a fresh start. I’m tired of being surrounded by memories that don’t reflect who I am now. The rest of the house is done—bathroom, kitchen, spare room, and my bedroom. I just need to paint a few frames and find the right artwork.

I know I can’t let disappointment drag me down. It stings, yes—but I still have control over how I move forward. And that’s exactly what I’m doing.

COMMENTS

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SP
18:56 Jul 20 2025

I was looking for something you wrote about being ghosted and them thinking its ok to do that. But its not here anymore. I have a shit ton of thoughts on that too. But you know my story and I will save it for another day

:::huggs:::

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MooniePie
21:22 Jul 20 2025

-hugs-

It maybe one of the entries I deleted. Some I was just like 'I don't need this'.

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Morrigon
00:59 Jul 22 2025

I'm so sorry you're going through this while working so hard at the same time!

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My shadow self: Guys who are older than their late 30's still trying to act like fuckboys are sad. Seriously? You haven't grown up yet? Or you've reverted back to the same early 20's douche you were. Go you.

My non shadow self: Totally agrees.

These past few weeks have been a lot of introspection and self reflection of the past, present and future. Since introspection and self reflection are vital in the process I need start doing it more frequently. I haven't taken the time and did it for quite awhile because I just mentally couldn't. I could catch glimpses here and there, but to sit down and take the time and face it wasn't possible. I really needed to 'deep dive' into those two things and face some hard truths. I also needed to hold myself accountable. I do not want to remain in the same fixed mindset cycle. I want to be able to grow and 'change' behaviors that I feel need to be changed. Since I am going to get into the niche of Shadow Work life coaching I want to have hands on experience. I did start some shadow work last year, but the work book was iffy for me. The topics that it covered didn't fit with my reasons for shadow working.

I know I have a 'horrid' side. Maybe horrid isn't the right word... less than stellar. I can read myself for filth and admit to them and be fine with it. What I really need to do is stop, think and go deeper in the why and the triggers. Reading myself for filth isn't going to help me grow and evolve. Which is why I need to stop, think and process. Because I am a deeply emotional person there are times when emotions will influence my actions. This can cause the acting out of reflect. So while my feeling and emotions maybe justifiable the actions they trigger can be 'inexcusable'.

I'm not perfect. I don't want to be perfect. I do want to do better, be better and grow.
The way I can do that is examining the past, calling myself out on my mistakes and actions and move forward.

I will always have faults because I am human. It's life. But I can acknowledge those faults and work on them. Not everyone will understand or stroll along with me. That's fine. Autonomy is so important. I have to be fine with that or learn to be fine with that. Not everything can last forever. Life is life. Choices are choices. Both of those can influence different outcomes.

COMMENTS

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MorningStarAldan
14:38 Jul 13 2025

Love ❤️ this :-) the challenges of personal growth. You got this!

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MooniePie
20:04 Jul 13 2025

Thank you, sugar! :)

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