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At one time, I felt connected to the moniker “Moonie,” but now when I see it, I feel a disconnect. It just doesn’t fit me anymore. I’d been feeling that way for a while, but kept pushing it off to the side. I’ll still answer to it because it’s who I was, but it doesn’t feel like who I am now. Now, I feel as though I have a bit more clarity on my emotions, what triggers certain reactions and how to stop breathe and handle them, while still keeping the basic foundation of who I am, just restructuring it.

I’ve put time and effort into my self-growth. I’m not the same person I used to be. Some parts of me still resemble the old versions, but even those have shifted. They’ve evolved because I finally stepped back from the mirror and really looked. I examined the parts of myself that I didn’t just dislike—I hated. And then I began the work of understanding my emotions. Even though I always thought I was pretty in-tune with myself, I started to see the places I had only patched over. The wounds I hid but never healed. The hurts that blocked me from fully understanding my own thoughts and feelings.

This morning I woke up in a grief wave. Angry, sad, heavy. All I wanted to do was cry and sleep. Old wounds—and new ones—were poked, triggering the spiral. Places that had started to soften and heal were ripped open again by feeling unseen and dismissed. This grief wave has made me realize that I think it’s time to find a new therapist; there’s been a growing uncertainty between us, and this isn’t the first time I’ve felt dismissed by her. I’ve did a lot of growth on my own. I really looked long and hard at some situations. That was very hard to do since I had to face my own insecurities and wrongs. I was proud of myself for that. So proud that I wanted to share it with her but when I did, it didn’t go how I expected. As I said previously I was unseen and dismissed while she pushed on the ‘what I did wrongs’ and not what I learned from them. She threw what peace I felt into turmoil triggering the grief wave.

Self-growth isn’t an easy path. It takes work to tear down what was and rebuild something healthier. Letting go isn’t easy either.

Healing isn’t linear. It doesn’t follow a timeline. Feeling the echoes of old wounds doesn’t mean I’m regressing—it just means something inside got shaken up.

Even though there was that bit of a shake up this week, I know one decision I’ve made the week before won’t be changing.

I have an appointment on Monday with a place that helps with remote job placement. My business name was approved as an LC back in August, but I’ve realized that fully opening a business right now isn’t feasible. So I’ll grow it on the side, slowly.

I know there will always be a part of me that will always be Moonie—but I don’t think I’ll ever be fully her again.

COMMENTS

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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
06:22 Nov 16 2025

I see you, and I applaud you for the accomplishments you have made. I'm sorry to hear your therapist can't be both uplifting and objective at the same time... I feel that in that position, one needs to be capable of both.

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Every once in a while, we stumble across connections that touch our spirit in ways words can’t quite describe. Like the morning sun, they awaken us — bright and real — and also reveal those shadowed places within us that still need tending and healing.

In moments of silence and reflection, I reminisce. During those times, I can see the patterns more clearly now — the fears, the triggers, the timing that wasn’t quite right. I should’ve paused to breathe instead of letting my emotions burst forth the way they did, but I am human. I stumble, I fall, I make mistakes. I own those mistakes, because I want to grow, evolve, and learn to be better than I was then. It also helps me understand the different ways people protect their hearts.

While silence can hurt, it can also teach. Not every distance is unkind, and not every space needs someone to blame. Sometimes it’s just two souls protecting the parts they don’t yet know how to share.

I once wrote words that came from pain. Looking back, I see they were skewed and no longer hold the same energy. I released those words days after they were written — a small moment of clarity. As time has passed, I’ve released them again, not just by deletion, but from within myself.

I’ve softened — not in weakness, but in understanding. Time has brought clarity.

Letting go doesn’t mean I stopped caring — oh no, not at all. That care still lives quietly, tucked in a safe place as I continue my path. I’ve stopped clinging to what could have been and instead honor what was. I’ve made peace with the quiet distance, though a small light will always stay lit above the space where a sign once hung. It isn’t an expectation — just an open place for understanding, should the universe ever decide to intertwine our paths again, or if there’s ever a desire to look beyond the door.

COMMENTS

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SP
00:06 Nov 12 2025

This is eloquent and beautiful. It is like silent whispers that tug at your soul. The peace, the quiet, ever so slowly you breathe, and it fills the room with soft flowing energy that saturates all the way to the core. I love the way this feels like a kaleidoscope, ever revolving. Gorgeous!!!

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