The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A friend told me, “I read your journal and it made me sad. It felt like you were saying goodbye.” I said I kind of was, but after letting that thought drift around for a bit, I realized there wasn’t a “kind of” about it. A part of me really was saying goodbye.

Goodbye to how things used to be.
Goodbye to the people who came and went and shaped chapters of my life.
Goodbye to the ones who have passed but stay with me in quiet ways.

But the biggest goodbye was to a version of myself.

The part of me that chased validation here.
The part that carried anger from old hardships.
The part that acted in ways I’m not proud of.

I’ve held myself accountable, so why keep carrying guilt? I don’t need to drag around blame or shame for things I’ve already grown through. Those moments that make me cringe or lower my head — they don’t need to live rent-free anymore. Forgiveness is meant to free the one holding it, so I’m learning to offer that same softness to myself. I can’t control who forgives me, but I can choose to forgive me.

Guilt gets heavy when you’re trying to grow. It takes work to sit with a situation, strip it down to the bones, and really see both sides of what happened. Being a deep thinker and deep feeler means I need understanding before I can set something down for good. And I want to learn. I don’t want to repeat old patterns, even if it takes uncomfortable honesty to break them.

Right now, I’m in a stage where I just want peace.
Peace from pretending.
Peace from shrinking.
Peace from the boxes I tried to fit into just to feel connected.

I’m learning that I’m not “too much.”
I’m a person with needs, and it’s okay to want respect and steadiness — from others, and from myself.

I’m trying to learn how to love myself. It’s always been hard for me.
But maybe this time, something new will finally take root.