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I need to start getting back on track. I'm tired of being stuck in this mindset.

This time of year is always hard for me since the 22nd is the day my mom passed. Even if I don't 'realize' it consciously, sub-consciously it is there and I struggle the week of. I'm still working on me. I am working on being kinder to myself. I need to stop being so mean to myself. I need to heal those parts of me from my teenage years that make me think that if I am meaner to myself more than what society is to me, it won't hurt as bad. I tend to be my own worst enemy and I don't want to be that anymore.

I got out of my comfort zone and joined a singles group on FB. I went in feeling very insecure and timid. I went really outside my comfort zone and posts a photo of myself that I just cannot stand- full body and in my chair. It's just not a flattering picture. I started to interact more and just be myself and to my surprise... people like me. They know I'm handicapped and chunky and they LIKE me. There are a few of the ladies that want to get together. A couple of them have stated that they want me to go to the shindigs they have and they would come get me if I needed. I'm planning on having a Ladies Night get together for the woman in the group. Have a little shindig at my house and get together just to have some laughs and fun.

I need to get back on track with getting my website up and running, I have one more page to finish. I had to put it on hold for a few weeks because I just was not feeling well.

I am going to get back on track though. I have a few programs I want to look into that will help me get onto a better track with my health. While I know I will never be without mobility aids (wheelchair, walker, leg braces, etc) I can do things to help myself feel better not only physically but mentally.

There are things I miss terribly- people, myself, experiences. I really want to get some of those back because I really fucking miss them.

I am so, so tired.

I'm tired mentally.
I'm tired emotionally.
I'm tired physically.
I'm tired of pretending.

I'm just so fucking tired.

It feels like two steps forward and then 50 back. Then I have to pretend. Pretend that I am fine in company and everything is great. While I'm alone I fall apart and wonder why I did any of this? Why did I even bother to go to school? Why did I even bother to get either certificates? I'm tired of feeling like I am going to amount to nothing no matter what I do. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of struggling every single day- to live, to function, to survive. I'm tired of putting myself out there only to get knocked back down and discarded.

I am over when people say 'Oh you are so resilient!" and "Oh, you are so independent!" or "Oh, you are such an optimistic person!"

Gee, thanks, Martha... you know why I have to be those things? Because if I wasn't resilient I would have been dead in a ditch many years ago due to all this bullshit life has thrown at me. Independent? You gotta have to be when you are an only child, you mom dies when you're 22 and then you have to parent the one parent you have left because they make shitty decisions. Oh, and that family you were close with all those years... fucked right off after my mom died. I have to be optimistic because if not what else is there?

I am not a victim.
I am not a whiner.
I'm not a whoah is me person.

But godsdamn I am so fucking tired.
I feel like all I say to myself is "I don't know anymore".
This is the only space where I don't have to pretend to be jolly good. Because let's be real- I'm really fucking not.

COMMENTS

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Earthgrinder
00:02 Oct 12 2025

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

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MorningStarAldan
03:21 Oct 12 2025

gurl, I am gonna beat you :p Tho, you might like that kinda pain :::giggles:::

you may not be ok. But remember this. Once you have grounded your energy and sat in the stillness of it, remember the strength you have. You do. I see it. I feel it. Don't ever doubt yourself in that respect.

And again, I am gonna beat you. How dare you forget you can use me when you need someone to beat up on, cuz you need to let it out :P

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