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For a while now, I've looked around and wondered, why am I still here?

I can look at different places, and they trigger so many memories. There have been moments here that still make me smile and laugh. Then there are the ones that pull the darkness up from deep within. Those moments that have almost broken me, leaving permanent scars forever embedded.

I tried. I really, really tried.

But in the end, I don't think it was ever meant to be a forever place. At least not with all the things that have happened.

It's taken me over a year and a half to weigh the pros and cons and not let that bit of fear override it all. To really look and see just how much this place has eroded me in such a short time.

I can't just let it happen. I don't want it to happen. There's more out there for me. At least I hope there is.

There is a part of me that loves this place. Every scratch, dent, crack, and flaw. They have meaning. They have memories. But there is also a part of me that feels resentment for it. I won't allow it to turn me bitter, but I won't deny that it has jaded me.

Now I just need to let it settle. This month is filled with appointments—stuff I've been putting off. The joys of chronic illness, old lady puberty, and the ups and downs of life.

I think someplace different will be better for me.

Just maybe.

COMMENTS

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Adain
06:52 Oct 06 2026

I think this place can get a bit stressy, especially if you log in for a bit of peace and R&R and find your inbox has a fight in it ready to happen. I think this place needs to be carefully navigated sometimes to save a person's sanity, or dignity lol.

May I ask what makes you feel jaded?

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MooniePie
14:50 Oct 06 2026

When I wrote this I wasn't referring to here but my home. Now, that I reread thinking of both here and home, I guess in does apply to both in ways.

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Adain
15:20 Oct 06 2026

Oh, ok that makes it more serious. I do hope you get things sorted out at home.

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