02:12 Sep 03 2026
Times Read: 161
I can honestly say that after these past 3 and a half years, nature has nurtured me in a way that has left me closed, flat. When backs begin to turn on you enough times, the ability to brush it off atrophies.
I am tired. After 3 years of watching people exit, dodge, half show up, rewrite things, and even disappear, I am beyond worn down. I am worn down to the point where I can't even bother to be jaded, cynical, or bitter. It requires an investment of energy I just don't have.
Disappointment has become the flavor of each day that comes and goes. Whether it be with people, being open, or even the mundane things in everyday life. When you keep serving up a dish of the best parts of yourself to others, only to be the recipient of repetitive, mediocre meals, you learn to expect nothing more.
Just because you've learned the lesson of expectation doesn't mean you have to lean into it, and I won't. What it does mean for me, at least now and maybe for the unforeseeable future, is that some form of shutdown is inevitable. A shutdown of possibly building the walls higher, strengthening them, or even withdrawing.
I will keep my routines, my days, and my nights, but beyond these walls, it will be what it will be.
My arms have grown weary after holding them out for so long. I cherish those who have taken hold, but after seeing so many backs walk into the distance and so many offers brushed aside, I'm worn.
Congratulations. Those things have given me something I never thought I'd see—an erosion of some of the things that made me, well, me.
COMMENTS
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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
03:33 Sep 04 2026
If you want to talk, you know I will listen and if you didn't delete it, you have my number and the ability to message me on other platforms. Things may have gotten..... weird and confusing for lack of better words.... but, I am still here.
MooniePie
15:13 Sep 04 2026
When I say this, I don't mean it as anything more than a statement of fact. It has not been long since the scars from a situation that almost broke me, and that you were also involved in, have finally begun to numb. I honestly do not have the mental capacity to brush up against that path at this time. I appreciate the offer.
Cartomancer
12:31 Sep 05 2026
There is great potency in releasing your thoughts. Being a human pressure cooker is the last thing you want to be. And journaling is one of the healthiest routes you can take. Feeling deeply on any level I have learned is a gift. Just when I thought it was my own revelation, I remembered Alexandre Dumas said, “He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness." The idea of that is what has helped me every time I have fallen down the rabbit hole.
MooniePie
16:53 Sep 05 2026
There really is. Journaling keeps me grounded, accountable, and–like you said–from becoming a human pressure cooker.
Being a person who discovers that depth is simply a part of who they are can be a different kind of lonely. Not just because it is a part of them, but because they find connection in the reciprocity of it. I do have those people, you being one of them, that I cherish. They keep me from a full shutdown.
When life continually throws curveballs, whether it be from connections, opportunities, family–all of these play a part in writing this entry–sometimes the best kindness and care you can give yourself is to keep those cherished connections open, while shutting down from anything more for a while.
Silence has become the place where I whisper all my secrets to. It has become the presence that feels strong enough to hold me in its embrace.