The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Be your self
20:59 Apr 21 2010
Times Read: 889

I worry about what people think about me, I'm scared of being judged, I fear rejection, I feel I am inferior, I have low self esteem, I am far too sensitive.





All these things are very negative and it does really get me down sometimes. For a while now I've been trying to figure out what's made me the way I am, but I can't figure it out.



It's very upsetting and incredibly frustrating when people comment on the fact that I am very quiet and shy and it makes me feel even worse about myself as I feel inferior. This is especially evident at work as most people there are very out-going and I feel isolated and different from everyone else. I always think they are better than me.



It's really tough and I guess you have to push yourself to overcome it and get out of the "comfort zone" of your shell. I find I will get to a point where I have done a few things to improve my confidence a bit, but then someone will say something about me being "the quiet one" and it will ruin what I have acheived and I'll have to start over again.



I hope it gets better, will just have to keep pushing.





This was me almost half my life.

Well now Im older and I still get shy about life

and things. However I changed LOL I dont care what people think ....Think about this half the people you meet in life you never see again.





Everyone in life has to find there way and trust me I feel some still haven't like the Guy who likes to talk shit about you or put you down ...well he is a looser himself he has things he is hiding behind..



or the woman who looks at you like she is all that LOL. she is scared someone would see her for her faults life is to bloody hard to be what your not ......So just be self and for those that make you feel like shit kick em to curb life's to short for all the BS...



The greatest thing you can do is be you!!!!

Paranormal State
19:35 Apr 14 2010
Times Read: 925








you know we have a lot of people always arguing over if ghost are real or not .... well to each there own what one may see can be real maybe some just isnt open to it or some over think it

confused yet I hope so....





what if we're the 'ghosts' and every time we have a paranormal experience we are just peeking into the actual physical realm...and those we think are ghosts are looking at us and saying "Holy Shit I just saw a ghost." ... metaphysical mind fuck of the day brought to you by my boredom waiting for my next appointment for a long counseling session

Blondes
01:33 Apr 14 2010
Times Read: 935

There is a blonde, a brunette and red head, they hear about this mirror in the girls’ bathroom at this restaurant that grants wishes. You get one wish, but only if you tell the truth, or you go to hell. So the brunette walks in and says, "I think I am the richest girl, in the world" *poof* she disappears, so the red head tries, she says, "I think I’m the prettiest girl in the world" *poof* she disappears, so the blonde goes up and says "I think...." *poof* she disappears.

Pride
22:02 Apr 12 2010
Times Read: 956






All you women out there know what this is like



we spend all day looking for the perfect outfit to wear on that special date



you look for perfect shoes and all and make up has to be oh so right



the right perfume to set the mood and everything looks great



awwwwww but you just know somethings gotta go wrong yep damn it



I was meeting him at his work with his friends all there I was taking dinner to him and friends



I get out of my car and loaded everything up



took it to the table well i had a few mins to wait till they all came out



yep ran back and checked hair, make up and all out thought "ok I'm looking good"



well they started to come out from there job



and I started walking towards them oh yeahhh



all eyes on me loving it then it happen wait for it oh yes......





Splat on face i go I tripped over my own damn feet. I mean what the hell is that how the hell am i to be graceful now....gaining my composure...I get to feet and yes there all laughing not one single prick asked me if i needed help up. Or if i was ok ....they just dug in. Well me and my helpless pride said fuck it, turned around and went home. I never took dinner to anyone again .

Lifes Lessons 3
17:12 Apr 10 2010
Times Read: 973

It was around August and I had just gotten a new job as a secretary, so I went to buy some Nice clothes for the job. On my way to work, I realized I was almost out of gas, so I stopped at the local Shell station down the road from my house. Since this was Pa, the heat was quite bad during the summer months if you didn't have air conditioning. I pumped in $10.00 worth of gas, and went inside to pay. There was a bit of a line, so I waited. As I got closer to the counter, I could feel a breeze on my legs. When I finally got to the counter, I said, "Hi, how are you today?" The man behind the counter looked mortified, so I said, "are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost." He replied, "I guess I have. You're doing a Marilyn Monroe." I turned around in circles trying to figure out what he was talking about, as he watched me make a futher ass of myself. Behind me was a man standing by a Pepsi fridge and a fan. It was then that I realized not only was my dress being blown up from behind, by the fan, but also that today I'd worn pantyhose without underpants underneith. The guy behind was signaling to the man at the counter about what he was seeing. How utterly embarassing.

Bites
02:57 Apr 09 2010
Times Read: 987

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.

He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground."

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.

"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.

"He says you're gonna die."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.

After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.

She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"

Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Little Johnny strikes again
03:51 Apr 08 2010
Times Read: 995

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."



The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"



Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."

Ants
03:49 Apr 08 2010
Times Read: 996

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.



One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.



So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.



One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.



"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".



"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

Lifes joys for me ( True story for today)
20:06 Apr 06 2010
Times Read: 1,019




Today,



I went out the back door to get my shorts off the wash line.



Wearing nothing but a Tee shirt that barely covered my thong!!



I do not normally do this

but I was in a hurry....





I pulled my shorts off the outside wash line, and quickly put them on.





Unfortunately for me, there was a wasp inside them, and I got repeatedly stung on my Freaking Ass.





It now hurts for me to bend over, and sit down. I hope that fucking wasp dies a slow and painful death



Cause this one is going to sting for a while.



cause now not only does my ass hurt,,, but now comes the Humiliation!!



I have to go to the fucking Doctors for a shot

I am allergic to wasps!!!



I bet that damn wasp is laughing its Damn head off at my expense!



so Now I get to tell the fucking Doctor what happen as he laughs at me



all because of a God damn Wasp had to land in my shorts !!!!







may the little bastard not find peace!

Little white lies
07:20 Apr 06 2010
Times Read: 1,026

The story goes that, as a child, George Washington chopped down the backyard cherry tree and then admitted the whole sordid affair to his beloved father:"I cannot tell a lie," he is said to have said. "It was I who chopped down your cherry tree." This leads me to a couple of thoughts: First, What were the Washingtons thinking? Color me cautious, but I've never been a big believer in allowing children direct access to an ax. Ditto hatchets, swords, tomahawks, muskets, and Barbie. Second, I cannot tell a lie; had I been in that very same situation, there's no doubt in my mind that I'd have looked my beloved father straight in the eye and told a lie. And that, my friends, along with the wooden teeth and powdered wig, is what separates me from our first president. I could tell you I believe it is imperative that we be absolutely meticulous with the truth 100 percent of the time, but the truth is—I'd be lying.

Telephone Humor got to love it
20:52 Apr 04 2010
Times Read: 1,043

Last Wednesday night I was sitting in my room watching television, when the phone rang.



"Hello?" I said.



A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"



I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"



"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.



"I think he said he'd be home around ten."



There was a confused silence on the other end.



"Is this Steve?"



My name isn't Steve, either. So I replied, "Yes, it is. D'you want to leave a message for Ben?"



"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.



I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at ten."



A shocked voice now, "Who's Karen?!"



"The girl he went out with."



"I know that! I mean... who is she?"



"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"



"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home." She was sounding pretty irate at this point, I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"



She exploded, "Who the hell is Jennifer?!"



Apparently she wasn't.



"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at ten. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."



"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called and that she's very upset and that I want him to call me as soon as he gets home."



I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..." *CLICK*

THE OLDER CROWD
20:49 Apr 04 2010
Times Read: 1,038






* Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.



* The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.



* Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.



* When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.



* You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.



* One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.



* Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.



* First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Honeymoon
20:43 Apr 04 2010
Times Read: 1,040

The morning after an all-night honeymoon expert virtuoso performance in bed, the somewhat amazed but blissfully happy newlywed wife snuggles up to her new hubby and says, "Darling, you are just wonderful. Last night was simply amazing. May I ask how many others were there before me?"

After a few moments of silence, the wife becomes a little testy and says, "Come on, I know there must have been some - I'm waiting."

And "Captain Experience" takes a deep breath and says, "Hang on sweetheart, I'm still counting."

Humor
20:32 Apr 04 2010
Times Read: 1,041

INFLATION

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.



MYTH

A female moth.



MOSQUITO

An insect that makes you like flies better.



RAISIN

Grape with a sunburn.



SECRET

Something you tell to one person at a time.



SKELETON

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.



TOOTHACHE

The pain that drives you to extraction.



TOMORROW

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.



YAWN

An honest opinion openly expressed.



WRINKLES

Something other people have. You have character lines.

oh no
01:53 Apr 04 2010
Times Read: 1,055

The doc told Bob that masturbating before sex helped men last longer during the act.

Bob reckoned, "What the hell, I'll give it a try." So, he spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution.



On his way home, he pulled his pick-up truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.



Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started stroking his rod.



He closed his eyes and thought of the gorgeous girl who lived next door. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Bob didn't want to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, so he kept his eyes shut, replying, "What?"



He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"



Bob replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."



The officer replied, "Well, you should check your brakes while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

its a dogs life
18:08 Apr 03 2010
Times Read: 1,056

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to be naughty and have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...



The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.



The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

--------------------------------------------------------------



For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.



"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.



The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later of naughty fun, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.



"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.



Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

------------------------------------------------------------



This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.



The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!

lolol
01:07 Apr 03 2010
Times Read: 1,068

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.



After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."



The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Chili gone bad
00:25 Apr 03 2010
Times Read: 1,072






Many many many years ago, back when you used a rock and chisel to pass notes and the internet was a hardly a thought, I spent all day long cooking chili. My parents were away.. and I wanted to surprise them and well, I surprised them alright! I followed the directions and I tasted it throughout the afternoon and everything seemed to be going just fine with my home cooked chili. My parents came in and I made them a big ole bowl of chili. They went into the dining room to eat Where they could watch tv and I made myself a bowl and sat down at the table. I took my first bite and OMG y'all, that was the nastiest shit I ever tasted, I mean seriously, it could gag a maggot! I went into the dining room fast as I could, to find my parents trying to swallow bite after bite. They were going to eat that nasty shit!!! I told Them it didn't taste good at all why the hell are you eating it and asked if they wanted a sandwich . They jumped up and begged me for a sandwich...LOL!!!



The worst is yet to come y'all...



My father took that whole pot of chili out to the dogs to eat and a WEEK later, we had to throw it in the pasture. It was so nasty the dogs would have rather licked their own asses then eat that shit. My father still tells this story and he always adds, those dogs would have eaten turnip greens if we fed it to them, but they damn sure wouldn't touch that chili!!!

Meanings Of Kisses
23:58 Apr 02 2010
Times Read: 1,073






Kiss on the hand - I adore you.



Kiss on the cheek - I just want to be friends.



Kiss on the chin - You are cute!



Kiss on the neck - I want you.



Kiss on the lips - I love you.



Kiss on the ears - Let's have some fun.



Kiss anywhere else - You're the best.

What type of hugger are you?
04:42 Apr 02 2010
Times Read: 1,085








Etiquette

- Always respect another person's space.

- Ask permission when you need or want to share a hug [unless you're already on such intimate terms with the huggee that you've established that hugging is acceptable w/out permission].

- There is a difference between a warm, friendly hug and a passionate embrace - please hug accordingly.

- A hug is a gentle embrace - not the Heimlich.



Techniques

Some huggers pat while hugging. Others simply hold and embrace. Gently rub the back of your huggee and they'll be back for more! [Unless this is a first hug, in which case gently rubbing can be misconstrued as creepy space-invading!]



Me-Hug

A great way to start the day and whenever you need or want a hug. Warm-up your hugging muscles with a real good stretch by wrapping your arms around yourself!



Hand-Hug (aka the Reserved Hugger's Hug)

This is the most common and frequently shared hug... a simple handshake.



Side-to-side Hug (aka the Buddy Hug)

Huggers stand or sit next to one another, embracing around the waist or shoulders.



A-frame Hug

Huggers stand about a foot and a half a part, bend at the waist.... only the shoulders touch as you embrace! [May also include a kiss on one or both cheeks. This is the most common, and acceptable, form of hugging in social settings.]



Back-to-front Hug

Gently wrap your arms around huggee's waist and embrace. Always let your huggee know you are behind them. [A very sweet way to let your lover know he/she is special. Especially when the hugger's head is gently laid upon the huggee's back.]



Cheek-to-cheek Hug

This hug requires no arms. Simply face your huggee and press your cheeks together. Face the same way for the Kodak Moment Hug. [Oftentimes accompanied by a hand placed on the opposite cheek of the hugging cheek. This one takes place often among family or close-friends gatherings.]



Custom-tailored Hug

To insure a high-quality hug, whenever a taller hugger hugs a smaller huggee. The taller hugger should bend at the knees to come eye level with the huggee and embrace. [Unless it's a hug between two lovers; in which case, the shorter of the two often finds it a great comfort to rest the head on the taller person's chest.]



Bear Hug

This is a full body hug. Hugger and huggee are toe-to-toe and belly-to-belly. [If you can slip a piece of paper in bertween the huggers or see any glimpse of light, it isn't being done properly!]



***********************

Addition:



Man Hug

It starts with the ritual grasping of the right hands. The two men then pull each other in with a loud, "AAAAYYYY" or "WASSUP?!" Only the shoulders and chest touch, with the still-clasped hands bound together between the chests, thereby creating the all-important buffer zone. The hug is punctuated by copious back slapping while the two are still in an embrace. The hug is concluded with much nervous shifting, laughter and louder than normal banter.









To me do not waste a fucking hug give me the bear Hug i wanna feel it in my soul theres nothing I hate then a man who cant freaking hug ..... do not give me that pansy ass shit i want real hugs

Do not ask questions
03:39 Apr 01 2010
Times Read: 889

This one actually happened at a school i attended...and a class I was in



In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female , raised her hand and asked, “If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?” “That’s correct.” responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”.

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said(or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.

However , as she was going out of the door, the professor’s reply was a classic. Totally straight- faced, he answered her question, “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!