1 yr anniversary09:20 Nov 01 2007
Times Read: 632
One yr ago this past Halloween my son then just barely 5, went in for major brain surgery, he has epilepsy, and it had become very bad the month before his surgery, the seziures would throw him to the floor or into a wall, it was devastating and heartbreaking to watch, when they suggested surgery in August of last yr, i was torn, took me forever to make a final choice, let his seizuers go on, or major brain surgery he might not live threw. I feel into a deep depression over trying to make the choice of possibly killing my son. It was a choice only i could make my family was divided over it, i cried all the time every time i looked at his sweet face i cried thinking my god what if he dies, i finally made the choice to do the surgery. It ironically was set for Halloween, so that morning last yr at 5am we woke, got dressed and left for the hospital, me biting my lip the whole time, thinking we can still turn back, we can still say no. We got to the hospital and were taken to a surgery waiting are were my son was changed in to scrubs, hooked to IV's and slowly sedated as his father held him and i paced the floor, dressed in scrubs waiting for them to come get us, they were allowing me to carry him back to the surgical room, the time came i watched as his father kissed him and cried telling him he loved him, and handed him to me, held him close to me talking to him the whole way back, telling him we loved him and would be there the min he was done, i cried and sobbed thinking it could be the last time i see his eyes open, we walked into the biggest surgery room i had ever seen, tables of the most horrific surgical tools u could imagine, the i saw them cordless drills, and i cried to the point i couldn't barely breath, they told me i had to lay him on the table, i stood there in a trance looking at them thinking u want me to put him down, let him go, they guided my arms down onto the table were he lay sedated but still semi awake looking at me, like ur leaving me here mama, i kept thinking i could pick him up and run, i couldn't let him die in tis awfull room, not with out me, there was 25 doctors and nurses involved with this surgery, they were going into remove what was left of the right side of his brain, it had been destroyed by a in utero stroke, and what was left was were the seizuers were coming from. They told me i could stay untill he was asleep, so i leaned over my head to his chest and told him we loved him and he had to come back to use, it was not his time, and that i loved him more then life it self, and he feel asleep. I kissed him repeatedly as they told me it was time to go, they eventually had to remove me from the room. I stepped into the hall by myself, thinking oh god what if i have killed him, i walked back the way i came and into the waiting area where all my family and friends were, i just looked at them, and walked into the bathroom and threw up, the surgery started at 9am and we finally saw him at 6pm that night. He had come threw it, he was alive. Te days following were tough but amazing, he had one seizure, and has never had another since. It was a complete sucess, and today with his hair grown back in you would never even know he had surgery. My son the fighter had survived such a horrific ordeal, he is a miraical, he has had surgeries before when he was a baby to his right arm, and has suffered threw pain u cant imagine in ur worse nightmare. So this Halloween i sat and thought as the clock ticked by where and what i was doing every min at that moment this time last year, and think, he's alive, my baby is alive!!!!
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