The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

W.I.C.O.E.

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!



OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants



The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:



DAY ONE



HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation



TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion



DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)



DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.



REMOTE CONTROL

Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups



LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum



DAY TWO



EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play



HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation



REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did



IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation



LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR SPOUSE

Online class and role playing



HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques







REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class



GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

A rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very

good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew

very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the

newspaper for a ranch hand.



Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a

drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else

applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to

have him around the house than the drunk.



He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a

lot about ranching.



For weeks the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You

have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go

into town and kick up your heels."



The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.





One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and

no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the

room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a

glass of wine, waiting for him.



She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take

it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my

boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He

removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.



"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching

her eyes in the fire light.



"Now take off my bra." Again, with t rembling hands, he did as he

was told and dropped it to the floor.



"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he

slowly pulled them down and off.



Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into

town again, you're fired."

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.



Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."



"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.



The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.



The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.



The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."



The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.



The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone



And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

Three lady friends always meet for lunch on Thursdays.

>>>

One Thursday Anne says, "There's this thing, when I go down on my John, his balls are always cold."

"Funny you should say that", says Mary. "my Franks balls are always cold too".

"EEAUUWWWWWWGHHHHHH" says Nancy, "that's disgusting. How can you both

do that?"

So her friends tell Nancy that the blow job is the best way to keep her man from straying.

The following Thursday Anne and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive.

In walks Nancy with a huge black eye.

"What happened to you?" ask her two friends.

"Mike hit me" came the reply.

Why? ask the girls.

"I don't know", says Nancy, "I was giving him the blow job like you told me to and all I said was "your balls aren't cold like Frank and Johns".

The Penis Study



The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a

man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they

concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give

the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the

French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they

concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give

the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these

findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46,

and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand

from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

Test For Smart People



The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer.

The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question.



1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

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2. How do you put an elephant into a

refrigerator?

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Did you say, 'Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?'

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Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous

actions.

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3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals

>>attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

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Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

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Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

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4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

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Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

This tests whether you learn quickly from

your mistakes.



According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.



(Hardly seems worth it.)



If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.



(Now that's more like it!)



The human heart! creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.



(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.



(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death!



(Creepy.)



(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour



(Don't try this at home,! maybe at work)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.



("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.



(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.



(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.



(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.



(Something I always wanted to know.)



The strongest muscle in a mans body is the tongue.



(Hmmmmmm......)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.



(okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.



(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.



( I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains.



(I know some people like that too.)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.



(What about that pig??)