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I got a new TV stand, and a few other little things I needed. Also got the Aeon Flux DVD set with all the old cartoons (I miss those), and a bluetooth adapter and headset for my phone. No more wires to get caught up in! Yea!

Best gift was that the residents where I work got me one hell of a Christmas bonus....$700! With that in my account, I actually broke a grand. I've never done that before. Been out drinking like a muther, and buying shit for my friends and family. Feels good to do that, since I'm always a broke bitch. I try to help those of my friends who are broke as hell, trying to decide between rent and food. Hope I helped a bit. Everyone should have a decent Christmas dinner.

Still working on shit for the magazine, I want to see if I can interview CKY or 69 Eyes if and when they come to town. My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult will be at the Black Cat in DC on Feb. 23. I might be able to pull some strings there.

I checked my account tonight. I spent around $500 on family and friends this christmas. Not bad. Now I just gotta get some car repairs done and all will be fine. I need a new tire, front end alignment, tune up, oil change and new brakes. If I'm lucky I hope I can get all of it done for less than $600, If not I'll sacrifice a couple of small things, money wise.

This is the one thing I still get tons of e-mails on so I will attempt to post a quick FAQ regarding "The Interview w/ Ville"



1) When will it be published?

It will be published in the Febuary issue of P.M. Magazine



2) Will you post more pics from the interview?

Probably when the issue comes out. I am not the photographer, and do not have the rights to post the photos. I managed to post one with permission. Sorry about that but I ain't getting sued, I'm a broke bitch.



3) So what happened?

Buy the magazine and find out........



4) Did you and Ville ________?

First off, none of your damn buisness! Second of all, he is taken. Need I say more?



5) Will you send me a transcript?

No



6) Will you tell Ville ________ for me?

I haven't spoken to Ville since the interview, and it's a long shot if I will ever get to interview/ see him again. I can always hope, but with a busy schedule and what not it's not going to be easy.







I'm sure there's more questions I've been asked but I haven't posted them. Hope this helps. Since I keep getting the same questions again and again.

I fucking hate funerals. I got up after about 4 hours sleep(not even restfull sleep) to go to Trinity and Tristan's grandma's funeral. Yea, It's a mouthfull. Outside service, In the cold with a rambeling preacher. I fucking hate funerals.



45 min. later we were off to a gathering back at the family home. No one had planned a reception, but that was ok. I wasn't expecting one. Found out Wal-Mart (where Trinity's sis works) gave the family a ton of food, no charge. A huge box of fried chicken that would feed an army, Macaroni salad, Potato salad, 2 24 packs of soda, ect. This on top of all the beer.



Southern funerals are an interesting thing because for some odd reason, you get hungry. Maybe it's cause it might be the first food you've had in a couple of days. It could just be that no matter what we somehow have food as the center of some kind of celebration. When your born, everyone eats, when you get married, birthdays, and when you die, everyone gets together and eats. It's just somewhat uncomfortable to have your stomach growling during the eulogy.....and I was not the only one. At least no one opened a beer....



We.. Meaning the royal "we" (as in the williamsburg tribe) gathered out front of the house to drink and talk. I had'nt seen Angie in years, her little girl is getting big. She's the sweetest little girl I've had the pleasure of running across for a while.



As I left I saw all the guys goofing off, throwing a football for T&T's younger brother, aiming for the shed out back. The goal was to hit it, I suppose. I had to work that night, so sleep was in order. So, off I went. Back home to a warm bed, and a cat to curl up with me.



I still fucking hate funerals, but one good thing about them. It does tend to bring everyone together.

I'm in a fucked up mood. Seasonal Affective Disorder sucks. I never even saw the daylight today, not that I'm complaning really.

I'm just kinda stuck and wondering, "What the Fuck?". Trinity's Grandma died today. I'm going to the funeral on monday, cause Trin asked me to go for support.

Side note, I'm starting to miss my Type O Negative CD's. Namely "October Rust". I need to hear some "Christmas Mourning/ Red water", Right now I'll deal with "Paint it Black" by Rolling Stones.

I guess it comes down to this, I've got some deamons to face. You can't love someone if you put up that wall every time they get close.



Do I deserve to love and be loved in return? Yes, I think so. I can't do that if I'm stuck in the rut i'm in. I guess that's why I'm having to confront this. If I'm ever going to move on with my life, the fear and the scars should've have been gone after 9 years. I've got some work to do.



This other person who I think fate is pushing me tward, seems to be about as screwed up as me. What a pair....At least he seems to be a sensitive person who could help me heal some of those scars on my heart. All the same, is it fair to give him a heart that is as damaged as mine is?



My other problem is "when it seems to be too good to be true, it usually is". Such as it was with my marriage. I don't want to repeat my past mistakes, and realize it only when It's too late.



It's a real bitch when you can't even trust yourself and your own heart, especially when It's been ripped out and torn apart as many times as it has.





"don't you think your entitled to love too?" Is what a friend asked me today.....

Yea, I don't question that so much. My problem is when things seem too perfect. Like the saying goes, if it seems too good to be true it usually is.....

The stupid fucking wall comes up and I wind up pushing people away.

This time around I think I may have found someone (I won't say "the one")who might verry well be the right kind of person, but to have them I have to confront these deamons that are still a part of my life. I guess this is what fate has in mind. All I can hope for is to do the right thing. You'd think that after about 9 years or so I would have healed a little better.

Welcome to a glimpse of what a horribly screwed up person I am and try to hide from so many people.

Going to the club was what I needed last night. Dancing is a good meditation tool, even when the music happens to be Ministry. I had something to get out of my system and it helped. I'm now content to wait some things out, to whatever ends.



It also had made me look at why this current situation is bothering me so much. As some of

you know, I was married at one time. My "husband" spent more time fucking his groupies than staying home with his wife. I knew what I was getting into, marring a musician. I looked the other way far too many times. I said "what you do on the road is your business, I don't wanna know about it, hear about it, nothing". As long as he didn't bring his whores home with him, ok.



Sooner or later, the calls start up. One night I walked in on him in bed with some groupie. I was pregnant at the time, wanted him in my child's life. Like an idiot, I forgave him.

When my daughter was born, he walked out of the delivery room. I was close to being pronounced dead due to excessive bleeding.

My forgiveness ran out, and something inside hardened.



But that's not all, due to the situation I was in I had no choice but to give my daughter up for adoption. She deserved a better life, in a better situation than what I was in (no job, going through a divorce). I chose the family she went to. My "husband" was supposed to show up in court to sign the paperwork for the adoption (where I live you have to sign the paperwork in front of a judge or with a notary present). I had seen him a week or two earlier, asking him if he would be in court, knew the date (since the courts fucked up and didn't bother to send me any notice, my lawyer had to call me the night before the court date and let me know). He said that he didn't know the court date but would show up.



When my lawyer called me the night before the court date, it was a shock that I had received no notice (the court was supposed to send me notice, never did), what's worse is that I found that my daughter's father signed the paperwork 4 days before the last I had spoken with him, and that he was aware of the court date. No surprise, son of a bitch lied to me again!

Funny enough, I don't love the bastard enough to hate him.



Counciling was offered to me through the adoption agency, for free. I went once, all I got was some jesus freak telling me what a good person I was for choosing life. I told her to go to hell and threw a chair at her. So much for counciling. No one addressed the fact that I was angry, and had every right to be.



I spent a few years in a haze of being stoned or drunk. Guess I was too chickenshit to kill myself the fast way. Finally I woke up on a bathroom floor and said, enough. Grow the fuck up! Your not the first person to get completely fucked over and have everything you loved flushed away. I sobered up, got off drugs, but the problems that I was running from were still there.



I don't think I'm capable of having a happy, stable relationship. I was happy with my husband until everything started falling apart. Perhaps I still have trust issues. I tend to be afraid to be happy, because there's always that feeling that it's just going to go to shit. I've turned down at least 3 marriage proposals since. Whenever I have a relationship I somehow get scared and find a way to run away. I guess some dumb part of me is afraid to have unconditional love, like punishing myself for my mistakes before. I know that not everything was my fault.



Perhaps it's the idea that it's not fair for me to try to give someone else the shattered remnants of my heart. I'm afraid of making the same mistakes again. If I'm alone, I don't have to worry about it. It's so much easier to build those walls up and keep everyone at arm's legnth.

I have a tuesday off, so I'm going to venture out to the club. More than likely I'll only know Angel and Isaiah. I'm hoping to dance off the confusion to some clarity. Sometimes the world is not going to answer the questions in your mind. Nothing is perfect and sometimes, no matter how logical and sensible you are, you are still a slave to your own heart.

The heart wants what the heart wants. It doesn't care if in the end it leads to complete ruin, if your entire life and everything and everyone around you is destroyed. It's way too much to explain right now, too complicated. I'm not even sure I understand it. All will become clearer in time....

I did a full tarot reading today. I don't do that too often unless I'm just confused as can be and need an explanation, point me in the right direction. This helped, I need to choose my words carefully for a while, big changes in the works, I might have to comprimise on some of my long heald beliefs (possible for the best) but it all works out in the end. A partnership was also aspected.......

Partnership could have a lot of meanings, buisness, marriage? I think this is one of those "all things will become clearer in time" issue. Febuary is a short wait...

Ever wonder if fate is trying to smack you upside the head? It's like the Gods are trying to tell me something, and it's something that's a long shot. I don't know what to think or believe anymore, anything is possible. One night, one incident can change your life and the direction it goes in, for good or bad.

What lead to this introspective mode? I was leaving for work one night and I saw a shooting star. There is an old superstition that says if you say "money, money, money" your wish will be granted. Well, instead of money, I said a name.

That was a few days ago, last night on the way home from the pub I saw another shooting star, this one was light green. Green eyes like that of a certain man I had the pleasure of meeting...(In the intrest of privacy, I will not divulge the name).

Sometimes the fates or Gods make their own decisions, and it's best to just go with it. Even if it appears to be a long shot, and man this one is a long shot. Somehow they move the stars around and poof, you have extraordinary luck.

I will be busy for a while trying to figure this one out. Tarot cards even agree, something is up and there are no easy answers.

This bears more study and meditation.....

I wanna be healthy, happy, and not alone. Somehow the holidays this year are feeling rough. I don't usually get like this. Parts of me want to blame a phone call from little green eyed deamon last night, but he has nothing to do with it. For all I know it could just be a bad case of seasonal affective disorder. Everyone else seems to be doing ok, and not too bad off. Good for them, I don't have to worry about anyone. I guess this is just "holiday blues", I can't put my finger on anything in particular being wrong. I have a job, I have a car, my family is all ok.

A friend of mine tends to think that a man in my life might "fix" the problem. I've never known a love relationship to fix anything, at best it just complicates things even more. The only thing it fixes is maybe lonliness.

Life, It is what it is.

it might have saved me some trouble. More on this later....

I don't know how my luck turned around like it has. I guess sometimes you just have to let things go as they are and not expect too much. I got the interview, ok. I'm happy and healthy (along with everyone around me), ok.

I'm single and I'm ok with that. I never felt the need to be with someone else to validate myself and my worth. That being said, I might have someone to cuddle with by yule. Someone I've been checking out appears to be newly single, and I think he likes me. I gave him my # and so far no call. I'm not holding my breath.



"All things happen according to the will of the great magnet"

- Hunter S. Thompson



Accept the above statement and your life will go far.



In other news, somthing was made apparent to me last night. It explains some things that Ville said during the interview. It's shit I wish I had known before I started the interview. Aparently his fiancee` Joanna, is quite a handful (to put it politely). Others have said "she makes Courtney Love look like a saint". When I congradulated Ville on his engagement, he looked at the floor and said "uh". He also had the tatoo on his ringfinger covered and was trying real hard to keep that hand out of view.



In NY apparently there was a big fight, Joanna was acting aloof, Ville was wisked out of the venue (security's reason was that Ville was sick and throwing up blood, not true I'm told). I was told that there were plans for Ville and Joanna to go to Jamaica at the end of the tour. Ville, Midge and Bam are in LA. No Jamaica, no Joanna.

Now, with all that, my friend who was in NY for the show told me to look at one of the many messageboards for the show. Apparently one of the jealous little groupie bloodsuckers posted some bullshit stating that the new round of problems for Ville started when "he met a lovely lady reporter in Norfolk Va, during an interview". Fucking A.

Now, I was not named personally, and I don't know for sure how many inteviews they did out here. I still don't like the implication that I did anything unprofessional. I've been busting my ass for this break to write for a magazine, and I refuse to have it ruined by some jealous little bloodsucker groupie.

In my opinion this rumor doesn't even dignify a response.

I just sent in the HIM Interview to the magazine, along with a few reviews and a poem for the column. Ville broke my writer's block. Goddess bless that beautiful green eyed man....



In other news, I have a new conquest. One of the bartenders at the pub is newly single. He's cute, 32 and tatooed, and I think he's interested. I gave him my card last night, maybe he'll call, maybe he won't. Hopefully I didn't use up all my luck with getting the interview.

Everything happens for a reason and only when the fates are ready. Accept this and you will go far.