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I'm drained. And full of regrets. Making these mistakes that stick in my mind...



I said that two weeks ago and it still holds true. I've finally lost it. I've broken my own rules. Don't cry in front of others being one of them.

I'm having internet issues. Of four computers I can only use one to get online but it isn't mine.

Answer me this, who knows where I currently am? I don't think many of you do and I think even fewer care. That's a good thing. I didn't say goodbye this time because those that mattered had already abandoned me. Well, you can go fuck yourselves now for all I care. I'm cutting you out of my life. Oh I know you'll still be around but I won't make this easy for you. Forget the long conversations and the times we bitched about others. Forget the nights in the bar and the days we didn't go to bed. Forget, too, that we once we close enough to bleed the other's blood. Forget it all because it's over now. We're over now.



I'm leaving this herd and throwing off my sheep-skin coat. I am a wolf that needs a new pack. I am a carnivore who will rip out your throat. I am a girl who is learning not to look back. I was once strong with you but now I'm going to be strong without you.



I'm taking a break. I need to clear my head and make a plan. It's time for me to rid myself of my weaknesses and my weaknesses are you so-called friends. I'm not going to be online much. I'm thinking of cutting it out of my life for a while. I know that will be a shock to those that know me well. I always say I can't live without my internet.



Well, I've made provisions. I've told some of those that need to know that I won't be around. Others, I've yet to tell. I have credit on my phone so those with the current number can text me. It doesn't necessarily mean I'll reply. I'll decide that when I hear from you. Actually, I've already decided. Less than ten numbers will recieve replies. I'm not telling you who those belong to. You can discover that for yourself.

COMMENTS

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undadawgg
17:41 Apr 11 2008

sounds like some of my old so called friends.feel ya on that one.

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I've decided I can't be bothered typing the update now. I think I might head down to Southwell to get Chinese and maybe yoghurt for dessert. Or pudding as they call it here. To me pudding is a type of dessert but then again these are the same people that, culturally, leave words out of sentences. "He gave it me." Now that sounds like a child. It's "He gave it to me" people. It's one little word. Don't cut it out.



I've got a 'no drugs today' scene from Cold Case stuck in my head. I think I might watch the rest of series four tonight.

I need to update you on so much stuff. My disasterous birthday. The stupidity of doctors. The wisdom of visiting the seaside in January. The guys that won't leave me alone. My quest for stardom. There's so much to say and yet I just can't find the energy to say it most of the time. I'll try now but no promises. Promises just get broken.

Further to my blog from two days ago, certain people need to back off. If I say no to something I mean no. Don't keep asking. Don't pester me. Don't ask me on a date if I've already turned you down three times. Don't act like you're my best friend if you barely know me. Don't react to my blogs in this vein when you've ignored me since school. There are people who care for me and who help me but they are few and far between. My best friends turned out to be mindless aquanitances and a lover turned into an abuser.



So listen people, stop getting at me, stop scaring me and stop hurting me. You're creating an emotional regression in me.



And no, this is not about the woman on Thursday night.

There are people in my life that shouldn't be part of it and ones that should be who have vanished. I might have to disappear too. I don't mean in a bad way but some stuff has happened online and I may have to start over. Yes, that would mean erasing my entire online life and yes, that is perhaps a larger part of me that my physical existence but sometimes you have to do this sort of thing.



Those that matter will get my new contact details and I will continue to see you in real life as long as you permit me to do so. When I say contact details, I do mean everything from email addresses and usernames to mobile number and potentially a home address. I'm not sure if I'm going to stay at this university. I have mentioned another course elsewhere to a handful of you but I cannot say it here.



Maybe this sounds like my standard paranoia but I assure you, it's not. There are people trying to get too close for my liking and people who aren't exactly happy with me telling them where to go. I'm sorry if I've ever given you the wrong idea but me saying sorry about that is an apology to myself, not to most of you. I did tell you to back off. You should have listened. Now you've pushed me pretty far.



My online experiences probably began more than a decade ago but my online life really began in the past ten years. That's a long time when you've just turned twenty-one. For me to give up on most of the contacts I've made and erase a life is a major deal so you should take this notification seriously. I'll stay as long as I can but if my account no longer exists when you log in one day, you'll know I've had to remove part of my life. If I don't contact you afterward, I've cut you out and you probably won't hear from me again.

Bollocks. I just remembered I have to go to this pissing society meeting later. I do not bloody well want to go.



Hmmm, as I said to Fran the other day, my annoyance can be gauged by my swearing. My standard responses are bugger or bloody which are then up-graded to bollocks. Anything more extreme shows how annoyed I am. My worst and rarely used one is cunt but I have used that in the past week.

I know this song is probably about love but it strikes me as a potential suicide song.

Review will be written when I can be arsed. All I need say for now is I am not pleased with the sheep.