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Ravensbloodzero's Journal


Ravensbloodzero's Journal

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55 entries this month
 

They Are So Fucking Dead

16:12 May 31 2008
Times Read: 729


I've just gone into the kitchen to get a yoghurt and discovered another one has been taken. This isn't fucking fair. They're on my shelf. It's not as though another can mistake them for theirs. God, I hate this.



Does anyone have any idea how safe it is to store eggs, cheese and butter out of a fridge? That's all that's in there at the moment. I could so beat the shit out of someone right now. I am sick of being taken advantage of.


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But It Weighed Not A Penny Weight More

14:08 May 31 2008
Times Read: 732


A little over three hours gone... and it's going very badly


COMMENTS

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Sinora
Sinora
14:21 May 31 2008

Well I got as far as the shop and back lol





 

It Was Taller, By Half, Than The Old Man Himself

13:36 May 31 2008
Times Read: 733


Two and a half hours -ish. And I've actually started working.


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So It Stood Ninety Years On The Floor

13:05 May 31 2008
Times Read: 734


2 hours, no work... Oops



A flea and a fly in a flue

Were imprisioned, so what could they do?

Said the fly "Let us flee!"

"Let us fly!" said the flea

So they flew through a flaw in the flue


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My Grandfather's Clock Was Too Tall For The Shelf

12:31 May 31 2008
Times Read: 736


An hour and a half... I've opened SPSS but haven't done any work yet


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Tick... Tock...

12:01 May 31 2008
Times Read: 740


An hour in and I haven't even opened SPSS yet...


COMMENTS

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Sinora
Sinora
12:25 May 31 2008

Yep, I'm having one of those days too lol





 

Update On My Procrastination

11:28 May 31 2008
Times Read: 743


Half an hour later and I've got as far as opening my file to the correct notes...


COMMENTS

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Count Down To Good Times... Via Boredom

11:02 May 31 2008
Times Read: 744


It's 11am. Doctor Who starts at 7pm. That's eight hours and, in theory, enough time to write an entire assignment. Now, if I could just talk myself into getting started...


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Best Made Plans

10:53 May 31 2008
Times Read: 747


For breakfast, I just ate the rest of last night's dinner. Actually, not quite 'the rest' of it. I've still got enough for another meal or possibly two.



Speaking of last night, I was talking utter bollocks to anyone I spoke to after 11pm. I was in and out of sleep and doped up on painkillers again. Sorry.



I didn't get any work done yesterday. I stopped in at a bookshop on the way to the Co-op and found Snow Blind by P.J. Tracy. I have wanted that book for ages so, when they had it, I had to get it. I ended up reading the entire thing yesterday and am so tempted to go back down and get the other two books that were begging to be bought. I really need to get some work done though. :s



I think I'll try to get a few hours of work done and then maybe go down and buy them. I know I should be using my money to buy food but I can turn a meal into three or four and I'd rather have a good book than a plate of something.


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Returning To the Source... With Feline Company

10:07 May 31 2008
Times Read: 748


I found out that my brother is moving back home this coming Monday. He's also bringing Jube Jube with him to live with us. He's a black and white cat in case you were wondering. He stayed with us at Christmas.


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Some Ramblings About Stuff

10:19 May 30 2008
Times Read: 750


Well I think the exam on Wednesday went well. I have five left, starting on Monday and ending on Thursday. The last is while Fran's here. Ironically, it's Breeding.



I had thought about going into Nottingham today but I don't think I could face the bus journey. I'm probably going in on Sunday and definately on Wednesday so I'll avoid it today. I might go food shopping though. I know I had a jar of sweet chilli sauce but now I can't find it. I'm sure I'd brought it out of the kitchen...



Speaking of the kitchen, someone stole one of my yoghurts from my shelf in the fridge. I can't keep them in my room because they need to stay chilled. I wonder if I could get a mini fridge and maybe a little freezer for next year. Then I wouldn't have to leave anything in the kitchen.



So, university... I handed my Special Situation Panel application in yesterday after I saw the counsellor. She bores me. I tend to just tune out now and consider other things. Yesterday she was wearing a shirt that appeared to be inside out. Have you ever looked at the inside of any clothing that has embroidery on it? Well, her shirt looked like it had the inside on the outside.



God, my hair is annoying me today. It's tickling my back since it's gotten long again and it is quite maddening. I don't like it short though.



Anyway, hair matters aside, I've been awake for nearly five hours now so I might head to the Co-op, buy some food, maybe make lunch when I get back, have a bit organise of my belongings since I go home in just over two weeks, and then try and do some work for uni.



I have three assignments to hand in before the exam board closes, which I believe is on June 13th, but I'd like to have them all in before Fran arrives on the 4th. My next exam is on Monday. I think it's an afternoon exam but not a stupidly late one like this week's. That means I have today, tomorrow and Sunday free of exams.



Three days, three assignments... I wonder if it's possible to get them all done. If I could hand them in on Monday, find out what's happening with my poster and be done with it all before the exam, it would be fantastic. I guess time will tell... Though I do need to actually work to get them done so I guess I better actually begin my active day now.


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My Heart Is Singing... Sort Of

17:13 May 28 2008
Times Read: 753


Enter song: "Another one bites the dust..."



One exam down, five to go, and I think I might have passed this one.



Enter song: "I get by with a little help from my friends..."



Vicki gave me something that will really help me for the other five exams. Bring 'em on! lol


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Panic!!!

15:28 May 28 2008
Times Read: 756


Argh! I have to leave for my exam in a minute or two. Not ready. Not ready. Not ready. Argh!


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Just Killing Time...

14:12 May 28 2008
Times Read: 760


I am randomly listening to the Latvian Eurovision entry...


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Socks, Boredom, Exams And Washing

13:35 May 28 2008
Times Read: 763


I'm wearing odd socks. I really prefer to wear pairs. But I need to wash my socks and pair them all up again. Of course I do have a bag of clean socks somewhere but I can't find them. And typically I spent a 50p and 10p this morning which I'd been saving to do the washing.



I'm bored. I still have two hours before I need to head over to the exam. Stupid time to hold it really. My head hurts and I'm tired but I can't risk not waking up in time to go do the exam. I don't know whether to keep trying to pack information into my head or to do something else to take my mind off the waiting. Gah.


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Going Postal On Looking Good

13:27 May 28 2008
Times Read: 764


I am having a post filled day... And for some reason feel like I'm writing this entry in the tone of Bill And Ted...



Anyway, post. I got three parcels. One was from my mum and contained pasta, painkillers, Haribo and chocolate. Random, but that's how we are. The other two were dresses, both Phaze, but one was purchased directly from them and I bought the other on eBay.



The eBay one is a full length, black, PVC dress. I get the feeling that some of you might be drooling right now...



The other is... indecent. I don't mean length-wise. It's floor length as well but the pictures showed it with a split down the front. I assumed it would come with an underskirt. After all, how can you call something a dress if you then have to buy another skirt to wear with it. Oh innocent little me...



I tried it on. It's very pretty and it fits. There's just one tiny problem. It splits at my navel and reveals everything. Now this wouldn't be so much of an issue if it was for Corni or Whitby. A short skirt with it would look great. And for the bedroom, suspenders and stockings would set it off well. However, this is my dress for the Summer Ball.



Ah, what can I tell you about the Ball? Well, it's a black-tie event run at Brackenhurst at the end of exam week each year. There's food, fun and bands... And people, lots and lots of people. My head is screaming at me for getting tickets. I have social anxiety disorder. I have trouble in a group of 5 people I don't know well or at all. Multiple that up to 500... I am so dead. Anyway, I won't talk about that right now. No sense in having a panic attack for an unrelated reason when I have an exam in under three hours.



So, the Ball, yes... The dress will need at least one addition. Although I might add a waspie as well if it doesn't look quite right with whatever skirt I get to go with it.



Oh my god, the Ball is in nine days. I have six exams before then and really need to get my three assignments done before Fran arrives next Wednesday. I so do not have time to thing about shopping. Unfortunately, choosing an outfit holds more appeal than sitting exams or writing assignments.



Speaking of Fran, I'm certain he's going to show me up with his outfit. He pretty much always (read: always, in my opinion) looks better than me. Still, I suppose if I make it through the evening without falling over, we'll call that an achievement. Although, don't hold your breath on that one. I do hope he likes my outfit...


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Exams And Ink

06:31 May 28 2008
Times Read: 767


I have my first exam later today. It's an hour long one on the Competition Horse and Competition Management module but, for some stupid reason, it starts at 15:45 this afternoon. I am so not ready for this. It's definately an expletive day.



But first, I've heading down to the OneStop to buy a packet of black pens. Mine all seem to have vanished. The campus shop doesn't open for another two hours and I can't remember if they sell packs as well as individual pens. I'm awake anyway so I might as well go now.


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They Said Don't Try To Change The World

01:14 May 25 2008
Times Read: 771


Me Against The World - Superchick



Wanna quit and give up

Simon says to pack it up

Shot down from all sides

Don't know why I try

So take this and kiss it

Goodbye won't miss it

I wanna go back to L.A.

I don't belong that's what they say



They said don't try to change the world

You're just a girl

So it's...me against the world today

I'm gonna do it my own way

And though nobody understands

I'm gonna make a one girl stand

It's not Independence Day

I can't waste time on what they say

If we believe when we have faith

We're gonna change the world someday



Back again one more time

Couldn't keep me down last time

Leaving what I know on faith

To take on the world and make waves

Still standing defiant

Maybe me against the giants

L.A. wasn't built in a day

Games going long but I still play



They said don't try to change the world

You're just a girl

So it's...me against the world today

I'm gonna do it my own way

And though nobody understands

I'm gonna make a one girl stand

It's not Independence Day

I can't waste time on what they say

If we believe when we have faith

We're gonna change the world someday



[echo] If we believe, when we have faith

We're gonna change the world someday



They said don't try to change the world

You're just a girl

So it's...me against the world today

I'm gonna do it my own way

And though nobody understands

I'm gonna make a one girl stand

It's not Independence Day

I can't waste time on what they say

If we believe when we have faith

We're gonna change the world someday

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That Was Yesterday, There's Always Tomorrow

01:04 May 25 2008
Times Read: 772


High School - Superchick

It's high school (high school), could be (could be) a mini me of the rest of society,

There's always (always) a prom queen (prom queen), there'll always be, always be sororities,

Sadly (sadly) some will be (some will be) eternally keeping score for popularity,

And just cause (just cause) they all do (they all do) doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school,

Doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school



Hight school is like a big competition

Beauty contests, prom court is the mission

There can only be one queen, one king

Everyone voting, everyone competing

But these are the rules, the way of high school

If someone puts you down, that's so high school

Someone talks behind your back, that's so high school,

Thinking you have to get them back, that's also high school

I know I'll be graduating early



It's high school (high school), could be (could be) a mini me of the rest of society,

There's always (always) a prom queen (prom queen), there'll always be, always be sororities,

Sadly (sadly) some will be (some will be) eternally keeping score for popularity,

And just cause (just cause) they all do (they all do) doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school,

Doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school



High school is like the state of the nation

Some people never change after graduation,

Believing any light you shine makes their's lesser,

They have to prove to everyone that their's is better

These are the rules, the ways of high school

If someone puts you down, that's so high school,

Believing they're too cool for you, that's so high school

If you belive it too, that's also high school,

I know I'll be graduating early



It's high school (high school), could be (could be) a mini me of the rest of society,

There's always (always) a prom queen (prom queen), there'll always be, always be sororities,

Sadly (sadly) some will be (some will be) eternally keeping score for popularity,

And just cause (just cause) they all do (they all do) doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school,

Doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school



We've all got bad yearbook photos

Which we've forgot to let go

And just like acne our insecurity

Should be something we left with the jv

So here's to letting go of yearbook photos

Things we kept that hold us down so,

That was yesterday, there's always tomorrow,

We are tomorrow, we are tomorrow,

I know I'll be graduating early



It's high school (high school), could be (could be) a mini me of the rest of society,

There's always (always) a prom queen (prom queen), there'll always be, always be sororities,

Sadly (sadly) some will be (some will be) eternally keeping score for popularity,

And just cause (just cause) they all do (they all do) doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school,

Doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school

COMMENTS

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You're What I Never Want To Be

00:49 May 25 2008
Times Read: 773


You Don't Mean Anything - Simple Plan

Maybe I'm just not good enough for you

And maybe I just don't wanna be like you



And maybe I just don't wanna know

How low you're willing to go

I'm not gonna change

You can't make me whoa



You don't, you don't, you don't, you don't

You don't mean anything to me

You don't, you don't, you don't, you don't

You don't mean anything to me

You're what I never want to be



Tell me does it feel good to be like you

Tell me why should I waste my time with you



''cause maybe you always bring me down

I'm sick of being pushed around

I'm not gonna change

You can't make me whoa



You don't, you don't, you don't, you don't

You don't mean anything to me

You don't, you don't, you don't, you don't

You don't mean anything to me

You're what I never want to be



I know you think you know me

You don't know anything

I know you want to help me

I don't need anything

Don't tell me where to go

I don't need you to know, know whoa



You don't, you don't, you don't, you don't

You don't mean anything to me

You don't, you don't, you don't, you don't

You don't mean anything to me

You don't, you don't, you don't, you don't

You don't mean anything to me

You don't, you don't, you don't, you don't

You don't mean anything to me

You're what I never want to be

You don't mean anything to me

You're what I never want to be

COMMENTS

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I Tried So Hard To Cleanse These Regrets

03:55 May 24 2008
Times Read: 776


Today - Smashing Pumpkins

Today is the greatest

Day I've ever known

Can't live for tomorrow,

Tomorrow's much too long

I'll burn my eyes out

Before I get out



I wanted more

Than life could ever grant me

Bored by the chore

Of saving face



Today is the greatest

Day I've never known

Can't wait for tomorrow

I might not have that long

I'll tear my heart out

Before I get out



Pink ribbon scars

That never forget

I tried so hard

To cleanse these regrets

My angel wings

Were bruised and restrained

My belly stings



Today is

Today is

Today is

The greatest day



I want to turn you on

I want to turn you on

I want to turn you on

I want to turn you on



Today is the greatest

Today is the greatest day

Today is the greatest day

That I have ever really known

COMMENTS

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There's Too Much, Too Much I Know I'll Never Say

03:54 May 24 2008
Times Read: 777


Somebody Else's Arms - Armor For Sleep

Saw you laughing aloud to your friends when I was across the room,

I was across the room.

I'm sick of standing alone when you’re here.

Who’s good enough for you?

Who’s good enough for you?



Well it’s only love it’s not real anyways.

It’s only love, it’s not real.

You’re gonna die in somebody else’s arms

And I have to live with that.

You’re gonna die in somebody else’s arms

And I have to live with that.

Well I hope you have a good life, hope you have a good life.

Well I hope you have a good life, hope you have a good life.



And I’ll say "Send me a card when you get to where you think you should be."

Are you where you think you should be?

Too bad, you’re missing the boat and I’m gone.

Call me when you come around.

Will you call me when you come around?



Well it’s only love it’s not real anyways.

It’s only love, it’s not real.

You’re gonna die in somebody else’s arms,

And I have to live with that.

You’re gonna die in somebody else’s arms,

And I have to live with that.

Well I hope you have a good life, hope you have a good life.

Well I hope you have a good life, hope you have a good life.



I’ll be happy to see you happy, if it’s with me or without me around.

I’ll be happy to see you happy, if it’s with me or without me around.



There’s too much, too much I know I’ll never say.

Please take me back, please take me back.



But you’re gonna die in somebody else’s arms,

And I have to live with that.

You’re gonna die in somebody else’s arms,

And I have to live with that. (I have to live)

Well I hope you have a good life, hope you have a good life. [x4]

COMMENTS

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I'm Learning Ways Not To Feel

03:52 May 24 2008
Times Read: 778


Basement Ghost Singing - Armor For Sleep

Now I'm in your basement

I'm laying low to keep out of your way

I hear your footsteps

Move the floorboards above my head

I have my own routine now

I'm keeping busy in my own way

I'm learning ways to not feel

Like I'm down here forever



I hear your footsteps

Move the floorboards above my head

I hope you know that I'm down here

Just for you



I sang a song to you through the floor

To reach you upstairs

I thought I heard you call out for more

I know that's crazy

I'm pretty sure that I'm lost again

It won't get through to you

I won't get through

I think I won't get through



I'm gonna close my mouth now

You don't need more noise in your life

I miss you more than you know

But I know time makes you move on



I hear your footsteps

Move the floorboards above my head

I hope you know that I'm down here

Just for you



I sang a song to you through the floor

To reach you upstairs

I thought I heard you call out for more

I know that's crazy

I'm pretty sure that I'm lost again

It won't get through to you

I won't get through

I think I won't get through



The lights are off

And I'm lost again

[x6]

The Lights are off

COMMENTS

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But I'll Sell My Soul For The Dream You Stole

03:50 May 24 2008
Times Read: 779


Stay On The Ground - Armor For Sleep

I started looking out for myself today

but then I stopped cause I don't care

I'm feeling bored of feeling numb

so now I'll stop cause I don't care



I started looking out for myself today

but then I stopped cause I don't care

I'm feeling bored of feeling numb

so now I'll stop cause I don't care



so get it get it get it right

I'm not holding on to a thing here

get it get it get it right

I'm not holding on and I can say now



holding your head up

is hard when you just want

to stay on the ground

to stay on the ground

[x2]



I started feeling bad for myself today

but then I stopped cause I don't care

I'm dreaming less and sleeping more

but I'll sell my soul for the dream you stole



so get it get it get it right

I'm not holding on to a thing here

get it get it get it right

I'm not holding on and I can say now



holding your head up

is hard when you just want

to stay on the ground

to stay on the ground

[x2]



About fifty years left of just waiting around

put your heart on your sleeve and watch me pull it down

About fifty years left of just waiting around

put your heart on your sleeve and watch me pull it down



holding your head up

is hard when you just want

to stay on the ground

to stay on the ground

[x3]

COMMENTS

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I'll Meet You In Another Life

03:49 May 24 2008
Times Read: 780


Awkward Last Words - Armor For Sleep

I wanna live again

I wanna start everything over again

I wanna get this right

I'll meet you in another life

Over again

I'm coming back around again

Coming back over again

I'm coming back around again,

but now it's over



We're out of time and I can't breathe

I told you not to believe in me

'Cause all I do is push you far away from me

All I do is push you far away from me

Out of time and I can't breathe

I told you not to believe in me

'Cause all I do is push you far away from me

All I do is push you far away from me



I'm gonna make this work

I'm gonna change everything wrong with me

I'm gonna prove you wrong

when I meet you in another life

Over again

I'm coming back around again

Coming back over again

I'm coming back around again,

but now it's over



We're out of time and I can't breathe

I told you not to believe in me

'Cause all I do is push you far away from me

All I do is push you far away from me

Out of time and I can't breathe

I told you not to believe in me

'Cause all I do is push you far away from me

All I do is push you far away from me



I never had the gift of holding on to you

You're so far, so far away

No I, never had the gift of holding on to you, now

You're so far, so far away



I wanna live again

I wanna live again

I wanna live again

I wanna start everything over again

I wanna live again

I wanna live again

I wanna live again

I wanna start everything over again



We're out of time and I can't breathe

We're out of time and I can't breathe

We're out of time and I can't breathe

We're out of time and I can't breathe



We're out of time and I can't breathe

I told you not to believe in me

'Cause all I do is push you far away from me

All I do is push you far away from me

COMMENTS

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Don't Believe That The Weather Is Perfect The day That You Die

03:47 May 24 2008
Times Read: 781


The Truth About Heaven - Armor For Sleep

Walk past my grave in the dark tonight,

Saw the stone and the note you left for me,

to answer your question I just had to leave,

I just had to leave,



But that's not why I'm here,

I came down here to tell you it rains in heaven all day long,

I wanna find you so bad and let you know

I'm miserable up here without you, miserable up here without you



Found my way back in the dark tonight,

Couldn't wake up not right next to you,

I'd trade in forever to just hear you say the sound of my name,



But that's not why I'm here,

I came down here to tell you it rains in heaven all day long,

I wanna find you so bad and let you know

I'm miserable up here without you, miserable up here without you



Don't believe that it's better when you leave everything behind,

Don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die,

Don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die



I came down here to tell you it rains in heaven all day long (all day long),

I wanna find you so bad and let you know

I'm miserable up here without you, miserable up here without you

[x2]



Don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die

COMMENTS

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What Hurts More Is I Would Still Die For You

03:46 May 24 2008
Times Read: 782


Car Underwater - Armor For Sleep

Believe the news, I'm gone for good.

Call off the search, no one will know that I'm down here

Believe the note I left for you

You can't turn back the clocks, you can't pull me up from here, so don't try



I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this

I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.



I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this

I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.



Make time slower, give me longer.

It's too late for me, no one will know that I'm down here.

And believe your dreams of me sinking

so far, below, you can't pull me up from here so don't try.



In a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this

I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.



I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this

I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.



Leave it up to me. To burden you again.

This ones not your fault. Please forgive me.



Leave it up to me (leave it up to me). To burden you again (To burden you again).

This one’s not your fault. So forget, so forget, so forget me.



Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.

Just let me go.

Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.

Just let me go.

Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.

Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.

Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.



I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this

I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.



I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this

I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.



and I would still die for you

I would still die for you

and I would still die for you

I would still die for you

and I would still die for you...

COMMENTS

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Sometimes We Just Have To Let Some Things Go

03:45 May 24 2008
Times Read: 783


Kind Of Perfect - Armor For Sleep

Can I just be something,

Somewhere in your room,

That you won't notice.



Maybe I'll be paper,

Or books thrown on your floor,

Move me when you want to.



I'll live where you put me,

In your VCR,

If I become a cassette.



Or on top of your computer,

If that's where I would fit,

Then so be it.



But things can't be perfect,

All the time, that I know.

Sometimes we just have to let some things go.



I will not say one word,

I'll just hang around,

I won't annoy you at all.



When you move out I'll stay,

Until I'm thrown away,

But then it won't matter.



Things can't be perfect,

All the time, that I know.

Sometimes we just have to let some things go.



Because things can't be perfect,

All the time, that I know.

Sometimes we just have to let some things go.



I promise to stop now,

To stop now.

I promise to stop now,

To stop now.



But things can't be perfect,

All the time, that I know.

Sometimes we just have to let some things go.



Things can't be perfect,

All the time, that I know.

Sometimes we just have to let some things go.



Letting go is my life,

I'll be on my way...

COMMENTS

-



 

And Be A Nomad With A Billion Words

03:34 May 24 2008
Times Read: 786


Wanderer's Guild - Armor For Sleep

I can speak when I want to

employ my voice till it burns

Through the core of my own throat

speak until the demands gone



You should be downstairs with them

You're wasting your time again

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

I don't want to talk right now

Thank you for your concern



I can speak till the world ends

To make up for all that I left out

I'll register with the wanderer's guild

and be a nomad with a billion words



You should be downstairs with them

You're wasting your time again

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

I don't want to talk right now

Thank you for your concern



[whispering]



Air conditioning

you can stay quiet all night

Air conditioning

you can stay quiet all night

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

I don't want to talk right now

Thank you for your concern

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

Listen I'm fine now

I don't want to talk right now

Thank you for your concern

COMMENTS

-



 

I Can Forget Where I Am Now

03:29 May 24 2008
Times Read: 787


My Town - Armor For Sleep

Street lights look like ribs on my block

I can forget where I am now

Smiling as I pass some parked cars

I can forget where I am at



Run through my town

Scream till I faint

Stumble around

Scare kids away

Worn out I'll be

Asleep on the street

Watch my whole town

Attempt to wake me



Sidewalks lend their backs to my feet

I can forget where I am now

Houses shut their lights as I pass

I can forget where I am at



Run through my town

Scream till I faint

Stumble around

Scare kids away

Worn out I'll be

Asleep on the street

Watch my whole town

Attempt to wake me



This is the end of rotting away

In the backseat

This is the end of keeping it in

They'll all know how I feel



This is the end of rotting away

I know how I feel



Run through my town

Scream till I faint

Stumble around

Scare kids away

Worn out I'll be

Asleep on the street

Watch my whole town

Attempt to wake me



Run through my town

Scream till I faint

Stumble around

Scare kids away

Worn out I'll be

Asleep on the street

Watch my whole town

Attempt to wake me

COMMENTS

-



 

Just Realize That I Know How You Feel Now

03:26 May 24 2008
Times Read: 788


Being Your Walls - Armor For Sleep

Pull your arms up around your knees

And hide out inside your room

Pretend you can't feel at all



Just realize that I know how you feel now



If all I am is a distraction for you

then I can't complain that you can't feel something for me

Take all you can, find in me



Can you think back to when things worked

When dreams were the days you lived

When you never cried alone



Just realize that I know how you feel now



If all I am is a distraction for you

then I can't complain that you can't feel something for me

Take all you can, find in me



I know how (know how)

You feel now (you feel now)



If all I am is a distraction for you

then I can't complain that you can't feel something for me

Take all you can, find in me

COMMENTS

-



 

Voices That Sing To My Heart And Mind

03:17 May 24 2008
Times Read: 790


I've been listening to a lot of Armor For Sleep tonight. I'me going to share some of the full songs with you later but, for now, I'll just include some extracts. I'm not going to explain why these are relevant to me. You can try and figure that out for yourself.



“It's funny how

things work out,

the ones we need

don't know we're there”



“I wake up and think dreams are real

I sleep so I don't have to feel”


- Dream To Make Believe



“Suffocate me, all you need,

I won’t breathe but its okay

You’ll be somewhere around me

And I won’t need air”


- Raindrops



“Watch me point to the sky

You'll laugh and say I'll never fly

I'll smile as you walk away

I always knew I couldn't stay”


- Slip Like Space



“Cause you know I change myself

to impress whoever happens to be next to me

but I'm sick of trying so hard

waste all your time with me

I know I'm a mess right now

don't give up believe

I'd wait it out for you

waste all your time with me

I know I'm a mess right now

don't give up believe

I'd wait it out for you”



“Everyday I'm just making my rounds

just digging a home six feet underground

sometimes it's hard to know what's real when you're not”


- Remember To Feel Real



“It's raining outside

There's a storm front on my back

Trying to keep, trying to keep me away from you

A stranger's up ahead, holding up a knife

Trying to keep, trying to keep me away from you

It's raining outside

There's a storm front on my back

Trying to keep, trying to keep me away from you

The stars are falling down

Breaking up the road

Trying to keep, trying to keep me away from you”



“I'll scream till I bleed

I scream stay away from me

They can't keep me back

Keep me back

Well I'll scream till I bleed

I scream stay away from me

They cant keep me back

Keep me back”


- The More You Talk The Less I Hear



“don't leave me alone

don't leave me alone

I can't stand the way the world feels

when I'm walking alone”



“love seems like a mess

when it won't let go of me

but when it's gone I don't feel

when it's gone I don't feel alive”


- Walking At Night, Alone



“You can’t turn off, that you’re dead

You just deal with it (deal with it)”


- I Have Been Right All Along



“and as I look down on them

I repeat these words in my head

"they never heard one sound out of my mouth

they never heard one sound"

I saw pretty clear

but when I left you all stayed the same

now I think I believe

that I was never alive in the first place”


- The End Of A Fraud



“Save me

Even though we both know that you can't

Won't you save me

I'm gonna die tonight

I swear to god I'm gonna die”


- Hidden Track (From The Album What To Do When You Are Dead)



“What if you find out

Everyone that's in your life

Is only being paid off

By a T.V. studio

And every conversation

Everyone's had with you

Was scripted by the writers

Living in Los Angeles



Smile for the camera



Put on a show for the viewers back home

Hide the truth so they'll never know

You hate what you got

Can't you love what you got?

So smile for the cameras that keep rolling”


- Smile For The Camera



“You only can hide who you are

If you don't care

Where you're going anyway”



“I don't wanna be

Who I was back then”


- Hold The Door



“But thanks for your help, thanks for your help.

Pulling me from the flames, (and stop the fire)

I’ll just wait ‘til you leave, then run right back in.”


- Run Right Back In



“You escape, I'll stay,

I'm so tired of running away.”



“I wanna stay at home for the end of the world,

Falling asleep when they're dropping the bomb.”


- End Of The World



“I was better off all alone in my own world.

I’m not gonna fall for something I made up.

I was better off all alone in my own world.”


- Stars In Your Eyes



“The only superhero I’ve ever known was you, about 5 years ago.

It was you about 5 years ago.”


- Chemicals



“Am I a toy to you?

With strings around my fingers,

for you to pull and watch as I collapsed when you want.”



“I thought you were an angel, I guess you were a vulture.

Either way, spread your wings and just fly away.”


- My Saving Grace



“They can’t see your heart.

They don’t care to see who you are.

They’re just a pack of wolves.

Don’t let them break you down, don’t let them break you down.”


- Stand In The Spotlight



“but the truth is...

its pointless

I'll make my own world somehow

where I control who stays

you won't leave because you

won't know how to run away”


- Pointless Forever


COMMENTS

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Well That Was... Shocking

02:39 May 24 2008
Times Read: 793


Omg, one of my exes just started talking to me...


COMMENTS

-



 

Go Ahead, Stick Another Knife In My Back

00:51 May 24 2008
Times Read: 795


I'm living in my dark place again. I feel myself sinking a little further each day. Those that, a year ago, I called my best friends are so far away from me. Not physical. In the earthly bodies we inhabit, we live under a minute's walk from each other. And that doesn't even involve going outside. Yet they abandoned me and I don't know why. Don't they understand that you need support when you have depression? Being suicidal is not alleviated by people refusing to even talk to you.



I logged into Facebook earlier as I do every day and went to the ConSoc group. There I discovered that I wasn't on the committee list. That suggests they've kicked me off it and not even had the decency to tell me. I also saw a post announcing a meeting on April 28th. There are several points to be made on this.



It's public page which means anyone could have read the meeting arrangements. Previously they were always emailed out and there was no need to change that. It had never been done before. The page is hardly ever used. So why the hell would I check it for meeting times. The biggest thing that got me though was the date. April 28th. As they knew damn well, I was in Whitby from April 23rd to April 30th. There was no way in hell I could have gone to that meeting. And they knew that. They knew.



Inside I'm screaming but I'm broken as well. I'm falling apart. I want to break things but the anger turns to pain too quickly. I don't think anyone can do anything to hurt me that hasn't been done before. Talking about it isn't enough anymore. I don't know what is. I need people to stop hurting me.


COMMENTS

-



 

Looking Over My Shoulder

15:37 May 22 2008
Times Read: 801


I need to tread carefully. I've been invited to the meeting of a fairly exclusive club, with the possibility of induction. I won't name them in case they're testing me. Even if they're not, I should be very careful. Saying the wrong thing or speaking to the wrong person could result in my death. I know how it works. I just hop I haven't said too much already...


COMMENTS

-



 

Injection Of Positivity

01:30 May 22 2008
Times Read: 804


Antony, I'm writing about you again. You are a wonderful beautiful person. Never forget that.



"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt



These are words we should all learn to live by.



From your Kitten.


COMMENTS

-



 

How Much Of My Blood Do You Want?

12:27 May 21 2008
Times Read: 808


Well that's another visit to the doctor over. I went in and she asked what I was there for. I felt like screaming. She's the one that keeps telling me to make appointments. As expected she told me just to keep taking my medication. Then she decided I should have more blood taken. Yippee, as though they haven't run enough tests. At least the nurse gave me a chocolate.



Afterwards I went food shopping. But only once Mum transferred more money into my account. I had to pay £21.30 for medication today and I still have to collect one item. They insist that this stuff will help keep me alive. It would be nice if it didn't cost so much then.



Anyway, I got food, walked back, met Aaron, checked for post, bought milk and returned to the darkness of my room. Now I'm trying not to lie down because, if I do, I will fall asleep.


COMMENTS

-



 

Attack Of The Crazies

09:08 May 21 2008
Times Read: 812


I think I've finally figured out how to get the net crazies to leave me alone. As soon as they start talking about wanting to have sex with me, bam, I tell them that I may have to be hospitalised this week. As soon as they ask why, I go for it, telling them I can't be trusted in real life, I don't eat, I don't take my medication... And, worse of all, I have those awful psychotic episodes. The best of it is, I'm not actually lying, just twisting the truth to get them to leave me alone. So far it's working like a charm.


COMMENTS

-



 

Oh No, Not Again

08:59 May 21 2008
Times Read: 814


I keep ripping my cords. I've worn them so much that they've become threadbare and now I've torn them again. It's only ever the left leg though. I really need to find my sewing kit. There is now a rip up the back of the left leg, reaching right up to mid thigh. Yes, definately time to sew them.


COMMENTS

-



 

I Put A Spell On You, And Now You're Mine

08:22 May 21 2008
Times Read: 816


The title is what I just started singing. I have no idea why. However, in the past half hour I have gone from feeling like death warmed up to being absolutely hyper. My head is still killing me but right now that doesn't matter because, at long last, I'm a Premium Member. Thank you so much Drow.



Yes, it was bought for me and, I would have told you this anyway, he is a wonderful person. So go and say hi to him, rate him, say nice things, make kissy faces at him. I'm not sure how he'll feel about that last part depending upon who does it but I'm hyper and it's my journal so I'll say what I like.



I've been looking through all the new options. Although I've been here for years I've neve actually had a PM so this is great. I was really down a couple of hours ago but re-reading everyone's comments and seeing how many people thought I deserved a ten on my profile really lifted my spirits. Thank you so much, all you beautiful people.



Of course there were a few low ratings, including some ones after the person claimed they rated me a ten but I guess that's life. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Therefore, my sweet protectors, you do not have to go and beat them up on my behalf.



While going back through them I came across a comment that included a picture of a guy with angel wings. That really made me smile. I have a real thing for people in wings. Check out my song "In Memory" in the poetry section of this journal if you need proof. Or watch me if you ever get the chance. You'll notice a big difference when there is someone with angel wings around.



Anyway, I will be re-doing my profile and putting up pictures from my most recent photoshoots. I'm not going to promise to do it today, though, as I have not slept, had a small amount of rice left over from the last meal I cooked for breakfast this morning and have an appointment with the doctor in under two hours.



I shall probably leave in just over an hour, drop off my library books and go to the cash machine on the way and then do some food shopping afterward. At the moment I have an uncooked chicken fillet, tub of butter, four eggs, a jar of sweet chilli sauce, some mayonaise and a small pot of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. And worryingly I could quite easily make that last another week but I am trying to eat these days. Trying being the operative word in this case.



Anyway, ramble over for now, save for this. Drow, you still haven't gotten your birthday present from me. Admittedly I'm always shattered and normally end up lying on my bed and typing with one hand. But you will have to have it before June 14th...


COMMENTS

-



 

Am I In A Horror Film Again?

01:51 May 21 2008
Times Read: 822


It's completely silent here tonight which is quite odd for this time on a Wednesday morning. The only sound I can hear is the clicking of my keyboard as I type. And if I stop typing... there's the faint sound of blood as it flows through my ears. Sometimes it's maddening loud but not tonight. I have the window closed so I can't even hear the lights outside buzzing.



My television has developed a new quirk. It turns itself on and off for no apparent reason. No one else can aim a remote at it so it can't be that and it can't be a strong signal from another room because there's no one in them right now. Weird.



I really should try to go to sleep. No there isn't a serial killer on the loose picking off the loners on campus... I prefer to go after people that annoyed me. That's a joke. No calling the police on me. They would never find the bodies anyway.



And no phoning me to ask if I like scary movies or to tell me I'll die in seven days. That's my job.



Sweet dreams, readers. Hopefully Freddie won't be waiting for you.


COMMENTS

-



 

Unwanted Medical Attention

01:41 May 21 2008
Times Read: 823


I have an appointment with the doctor at 10:10am and I don't want to go to it. I don't like her. She's hopeless. She specialises in STDs, not depression. Bah!



I really should try to get some sleep...


COMMENTS

-



 

Out-pourings From My Heart

01:34 May 21 2008
Times Read: 824


In the past few hours I posted the lyrics to three of my new songs in the Poetry section of my journal. They're from an album I just finished writing, The World Isn’t Strong Enough To See What Never Goes Away. Don't expect to see it in HMV anytime soon.


COMMENTS

-



 

ROTFLMAO Part One

04:09 May 18 2008
Times Read: 833


If you need a laugh, read the following conversation. It was an exchange between me and a random guy online. Several girls I know have also had dealings with him. In pretty much every case he claims to have ‘fallen for’ and ‘be in love with’ every single one of us within half an hour of the conversation beginning. He always asks for marriage even though he’s supposedly already married. Although he did tell me that within a few days of my announcing my engagement. Coincidence?



I’ve tidied up the conversation a little. Well, rather a lot actually. I would have left it unadulterated if I thought it would have been easy to read but the English was horrific. And it’s his first language. Apparently they must not have taught spelling and grammar when he was a little demon.



One other thing, not really relevant to this conversation but to give you a better idea of his character, he likes underage girls. A lot. And has claimed multiple sexual experiences with them. True or not, that’s creepy as fuck.



Him:

Do u love me?

I want to know the truth

Me:

I have told you

I don’t

Him:

Ok last chance

Me:

I’m telling you the truth, I DON’T

Him:

You didn’t have to yell

Me:

You weren’t listening to me

Maybe she’s right; I should get rid of you

Him:

I am listening now

Me:

I’ve already told you the truth a dozen times

Him:

I like to make sure I have had them shift on me in a few seconds

Sorry please don’t get ride of me

Me:

She told me what you were like

Him:

And

Me:

I’m starting to see what she meant

Him:

What she say?

Me:

Stuff

Him:

Tell me please

Me:

Well you're too needy for a long distance relationship

Him:

Not really I can stop that if u want me to

Me:

How do you plan to stop being who you are? And that really is a prime example of your neediness

Him:

Well I can demon out and be come a little colder then normal

Me:

...

Him:

Fine

Me:

I give up

Him:

I am now a little colder I have demoned out I will not be needy

Me:

Go back to your wife and stop trying to pick up girls thousands of miles away

Him:

She don’t live here with me

Me:

Yeah well that really instills confidence

Him:

She is moving here to me in a yeah and a half

Me:

You don’t need me

Him:

U are right but I wanted u but u left so I will remove u bye

Me:

This isn’t my account remember

Him:

I know bye

Me:

It’s not really love if you give it up like that

Him:

U gave up on me and u forced me to demon out

Me:

'I give up' is an exasperated saying and 'demon out'? You think you're on the set of Buffy?

Him:

I am a demon a real demon but I have a human form u met me the human I am Orin the demon

Me:

Oh grow up

You think I don’t know what demons are actually like?

Him:

I am not liar but u don’t have to believe me I don’t care

The human is suppressing me

Me:

What?

Him:

I am making sure I don’t go full demon and attack u

Me:

Go ahead, I dare you to try

Him:

No there is to much love in my heart to u would have to piss me off

Me:

In other words you’re not a demon and there is nothing you can actually do to me

Him:

Wrong

Me:

God, she was right

Why do I even bother?

Him:

Fine bye

Me:

Come on, show me what a big bad demon you are

Grrr, I’m making evil faces at you, grrr



is inviting you to start viewing webcam. Do you want to Accept (Alt+C) or Decline (Alt+D) the invitation?



You have accepted the invitation to start viewing webcam.



Him:

Can u se me

Me:

No

Him:

Tell me when

Me:

Now

Him: (demonstrating)

Nice me

Evil me

U fucking suck

Me:

Taking your glasses off and looking up doesn’t make you an evil demon

Him:

U don’t have the power to see my true form

Bye



Has stopped viewing webcam with you.



Me:

I don't have the power? That’s a bigger laugh than you being a demon

I’m not going to believe you unless you attack me

Too much of a coward to even stay online hmmm?

Him:

No but I am done if u want to be with me then fine if not fine but otherwise bye

Me:

Oh so I should say I love you and want to be with you for the rest of my life now then?

Him:

Only if u want to I am done trying

Me:

How about I cut out my own heart and feed it to a goat?

Him:

No I don’t want u to do that i will never forgive u

U there

Ok bye

Me:

Yadda yadda yadda I’m so stuffy, give me a scone

Him:

What

Me:

So is it you causing the stabbing pain in my legs?

Him:

Yes

Me:

Rotflmao

I don't have any stabbing pain in my legs

Him:

Ok

I don’t care do u want to be with me or not

Me:

I want a drink of water

Him:

I will talk to u tomorrow babe then u can choose bye

Me:

Incy wincy spider climbed up the water spout

Down came the rain and washed the spider out

Out came the sun and dried up all the rain

And incy wincy spider went up the spout again


COMMENTS

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Pull It In, Push It Up

23:45 May 17 2008
Times Read: 835


I can tight-lace my pinstripe corset to 26 inches. I am very happy


COMMENTS

-



 

Am I... MAD?

02:56 May 17 2008
Times Read: 836


What does it mean when it's almost three in the morning, you're alone in your room and suddenly you start humming your National anthem?



This is what I just found myself doing.


COMMENTS

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Hopeless, As Always

16:34 May 15 2008
Times Read: 840


I've just ruined the chance of a happy relationship. Three and a half days and I break and can't cope. I should just curl up and die.


COMMENTS

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Working Hard... Honest

19:05 May 12 2008
Times Read: 850


I'm in the computer room at uni. I've done a solid half hour of work without going online. I'm on now because I dropped in to see what was happening. I'll check my messages once I'm back in the privacy of my own room so don't moan that I was online and didn't talk to you. I should be back there soon. And then I'm going to bitch...


COMMENTS

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Damn You All To Hell

12:38 May 08 2008
Times Read: 859


I'm going on a field trip on Tuesday. I walked to the cash machine last night to get £10 to pay for it. That was a two mile trip. In the process I tripped and fell flat on my face in front of people. I wasn't as embarrassed as I should have been. More angry than anything.



Then, this morning, Sam was late and didn't have the keys to our classroom so we had to sit out in the sun. Evil day star! I didn't have my sunglasses and now I have a severe headache.



Also, the mature student was bitching about me. Bah, she's one to talk. And she doesn't have illnesses make her suicidal. Or ones that make her drop weight so easily. Yes it's great now because I'm officially in the acceptable weight range for my height. I am no longer classed as overweight. However, it is not normal to lose over five stone in a year and a half without trying. I am curious to see how much more I'm going to lose.



My assignment is practically non-existent. I may have to go and beg a second extension. Between illness, accidents and computer problems this week, it's been a disaster.



Okay, let's see, what else do I have to complain about. How about the net crazies that are bugging me. The compliments are nice but my pictures were taken for my modelling profile, not to encourage you to ask me to be your girlfriend. You're still not as bad as a few recently that have been complete bastards.



One guy added me on Facebook, got both my messenger addresses (which are not public information) and promptly asked for sex. He also said "you are very fat" and insulted me in multiple ways. I was having very dark thoughts about him. And about myself. Thanks for all your help with him, Drow.



I'm not going to detail them all because that would be a stupidly long entry. There is one other guy that really sticks in my mind. He told me he wasn't looking for friends, he was looking for whores. That's what he was classing me as, as though being female made me less than him. Bastard.



Even after all the compliments I've got it's the hurtful comments that stick in my mind. Especially since both of these men told me I wasn't pretty and would only ever be wanted as a cheap whore.



I'm going to stop now before I start crying. There hasn't been much good in my life this week. A few things have gone okay. I went to ask about tickets for the Summer Ball, honestly expected there too be none left. If that had been the case I was taking to my bed with half a bottle of Pernod and a month's worth of tablets.



However, there were tickets left and I now have two of them.



The only good thing that's happened so far today was meeting one of Sam's Advanced level event horses. He was a big grey like Finn and he was beautiful. He's really the only reason I'm not screaming right now.


COMMENTS

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Four Simple Words

01:17 May 08 2008
Times Read: 863


I.

Fucked.

Up.

Again.

COMMENTS

-



 

Torn Alliances

16:27 May 07 2008
Times Read: 869


I'm posting more on LJ than here at the moment. I don't really know why.


COMMENTS

-



 

Shameless Slut

13:52 May 05 2008
Times Read: 892


Here are a few of the pictures from my Whitby photoshoots. I plan to put others in my portfolio here. However, the total number comes to 666. And that was unplanned.




































COMMENTS

-



TheHellequin
TheHellequin
15:08 May 05 2008

very good lol I camped at the Abbey last year - it was very cold. Very brave to wear tights lol





 

Wear It Proudly

13:43 May 05 2008
Times Read: 894


I bought some new button badges in Whitby. I think I have 22 with me at university now and I thought I'd share what they all are.



There are two with images:

~ A black skull and crossed bones on a blue and white striped background

~ A pink bomb with a lit fuse on a black background




The rest are slogan ones (I'm not describing colour on all of these):

~ Geek

~ Goth (there's a bat on this one)

~ Net Goth (in red)

~ Net Goth (in blue)

~ Slave

~ Pervert

~ I (heart) Foxes

~ Myspace Junkie

~ Cheer Up Goth

~ I Only Look Sweet And Innocent

~ Wake Me In Time For the Weekend

~ Cleverly Disguised As An Adult

~ Size Does Matter

~ I'm Having A Bad Day So Fuck Off

~ Good For Nothing Student

~ On Day Release

~ What Happened To The Weekend?

~ Ask Me, I Might

~ Pissing Off The World One Person At A Time


And finally, what is currently a very appropriate one:

~ Goth Slut


COMMENTS

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397

19:07 May 02 2008
Times Read: 903


I got most of my Whitby modelling pictures today :D



I am such a slut


COMMENTS

-



10000
10000
19:22 May 02 2008

Lets see them then!





 

The Return

01:06 May 01 2008
Times Read: 843


I got back from Whitby about three hours ago. I will write an review of my week but I have exams in 28 days so I need to work hard.


COMMENTS

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