The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."



"Who?"



"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."



"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.



"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!



"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks out."



"Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.



"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.



"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.



"After he died, I married his wife."

Dennis arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by another man.



Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported income. How do you explain that?"



Dennis replied, "I love to gamble and I always win."



The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.



"I can prove it," said Dennis. "How about a demonstration?"



The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."



Dennis said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."



The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"



Dennis removed his glass eye and bit it.



The official's jaw dropped. Dennis said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."



The official could tell Dennis wasn't blind, so he took the bet.



Dennis then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.



The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!



"Want to go double or nothing?" Dennis asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."



The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!



Dennis climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much got pee all over the desk.



The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Dennis's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked.



The man replied, "Not really. Yesterday Dennis bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"



The girl said, "NO!"



And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot, rented adult movies and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

A man takes the day off work and

decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he

notices a frog sitting next to

the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is

about to shoot when he

hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't

see anyone. Again, he

hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks

at the frog and decides to

prove the frog wrong, puts the

club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the

cup. He is shocked. He says

to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog

with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the

man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,

Boom! Hole in one. The

man is befuddled and doesn't know

what to say. By the end

of the day, the man golfed the

best game of golf in his life and

asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

" They go to Las Vegas

and the guy says, "OK frog, now

what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon

approaching the roulette table, The man

asks, "What do you think I should

bet?" The frog replies,

"Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but

after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and

buys the best room in the

hotel. He sits the frog down and

says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.

You've won me all this money and

I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit KissMe."

He figures why not,

since after all the frog did for

him, he deserves it. With a

kiss, the frog turns into a

gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl

ended up in my room. So help me God

or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."