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The loneliness is heavy today. I know that it is temporary and merely a manifestation of the doubt that always exists when one changes their life in a dramatic way. Don't get me wrong, it's not a depression issue or self-pity. It's merely the desire to have an outlet for all of the questions I have about this journey I am on. I know that the right people will be made available in whatever capacity they are needed. I know that this life I am now living will lead me toward those of a kindred nature. I am mourning the death of my former self and haven't quite figured out how to bury him and disassociate myself from him completely. Perhaps, that is asking too much. Perhaps that is an impossibility, as I am constantly with myself. Not sure. I know that there is more to this life. I know that it is more than compulsion that led me own this road. I know I will find the answers I seek. Failure is not an option. As I shed the skin of my past, the future is mine! I shall seek out those who are willing to teach. I shall serve in order to one day lead! I have always been strong. I have always had charisma. I have always been the one who dared to think differently and forge ahead, regardless of whether or not anyone followed. So it is again. The excitement swells and intoxicates me. The wonder of the moment takes me away to the place where nothing matters except the experience. Will others join me? Will I wander alone? How long before the one who is to lead and assist me steps forward to offer their wisdom and a helping hand? How long will I call and be left unanswered? These are the questions which plague me. Yet i shall seek. If a way does not exist, then i will make my own.

Thought Shift: It plagues me to see those who would demand loyalty, and are unable to deliver it themselves. Chivalry and honor are not foul words or curses. I have bled and I have sacrificed for those I cared for. I have stood in Death's doorway and stared down the possibility of never coming back. I know loyalty and I shall never again offer it to those who are unworthy. Many speak of such things, and have no experience to back up their empty words or promises. Some things we will never understand until we live through them. How few there are who can know a thing and never say it again. How few there are who understand the depth of a vow made to keep the secrets of traditions and the importance therein. My word is my bond. The world will break me and bury me before I will relinquish my honor and betray a trust. I suppose, as often comes with an outpouring of the soul, I will now reflect upon these thoughts and what tomorrow will hold within this new existence!

COMMENTS

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Asura
23:46 Sep 02 2010

I really enjoy these things you say of yourself. Being able to express yourself, to feel "at home" here........it is what keeps me coming back, but instead of leaving, I have decided to remain. I have my reasons as well for doing so. We all go through changes in our lives. You seem to have a great head on your shoulders. I am most certain you will make many wonderful and meaningful friends and relationships. Just keep your heart open and never stop being who you are no matter what others may think or believe.

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atyourwindow
09:16 Sep 03 2010

well said.

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RainingLove
18:34 Sep 03 2010

I really love how You are so open and how You expess Yourself.

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Alas, my first day has been a productive one. I have met a few like-minded souls, or kindred spirits, if you will. My fascination only grows as I learn about this unique and magickal culture. Words don't seem to do it justice today. I hate when there is so much to say, yet no way to say it. However, this journal was created with the intention of chronicling my journey towards true self-realization, no matter how dark and deep that may be. Perhaps no one else has been upon this path before. I'm sure that is untrue, seeing as there have been so many people on this planet. Yet, the weight of my desire to dwell within the shadows and become the friends of those who would truly appreciate such a gift, as I do, is inescapable. My soul shall be exposed on paper for all to see, yet no human shall ever penetrate the walls I have in place now. It suddenly occurs to me that I probably sound like a total douchebag, writing in a journal like all the other posers who make shit up and live life with a victim mentality so large it could swallow whole populations. Yet, I don't care. This is a true reflection of my soul and I will not ignore it, nor be ashamed of it. For too long I have allowed others to influence and affect me. No longer will I hide from myself. I have made a decision; a decision to ride this train as far as it will go. Perhaps in the end, the final destination will not only have made the journey worthwhile, but will have contributed in some small part to the edificaction of others in their search for themselves. In the meantime, I shall continue to discover the intricacies of this existence I have chosen......Constantly seeking, learning, being. Those who are similar in spirit shall accompany me for however long they wish. For life is no longer measured in days. The only measurement of substance for me is that of experience. And I shall experience it all!

COMMENTS

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RainingLove
18:35 Sep 03 2010

I am glad to see that You made the decision to ride this train. Welcome to VR.

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Today I begin my descent. Where it will lead is unclear, but it doesn't really matter. The adventure and the mystery beckon as I no longer ignore the call. I will submit, finally, and allow myself to indulge the flesh and the fantasy. No longer will I deny the urges and the forces that lie beneath the veil of reality I have known for so long now. I feel as though everything is about to change. Fate, destiny, will aligning with imagination; whatever it is, it is real and has not been felt in a very long time. I know this feeling. The quickening of my heart, the unmistakable knowledge that a precipice lies ahead that will forever change the course of my history. I am unafraid, standing on the edge. For what has been until now, no longer matters. Some things you can't unlearn, as much as you would like to. I am forever changed. I am not who I was, for he has perished. Alas, The dusk awaits. Let it take me, consume me, forever hold me in its arms and never relinquish me.