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I have realized my "friends" here in SC are so freaking fake. They only want to associate with me when I have something they want. (Weed/Money) well now that I am broke and have no weed I am not worthy to hang out with. FUCK THAT! I am so in dire need of some real friends in South Carolina who won't just use me.

When someone's heart gets broken. two things often happen either you lock your heart away for a long time so that noone will ever hurt it again, or you dive into another relationship in hopes that will heal your heart.





I on the other hand am at a standstill about what I want to do. Part of me wants to become cold and hateful like I did the last time I was hurt. I wasn't with anyone for a very long time after my heart was broken. But now I question what to do.



The last time my heart was truly broken was when I was in college and I thought I had met the love of my life. Well he cheated on me and then threw me down a flight of stairs.... So I went through a phase of not wanting to get close to anyone. I drank too much and wouldn't allow myself to feel.





Well then I got close to someone. and it didn't work out. We were together a year and discussing marriage. Now that he's gone I dont know what I want to do. Part of me wants to go back to how I was before and stop caring. Just stop feeling again. But part of me is afraid that if I lock away that part of me I may miss out on something great someday because I will be too afraid to feel that way.





Love is scary. O.o or maybe just my mind

I was in a really good mood when I got to work today. The best mood I had been in in a while to be honest. maybe it was the lack of sleep but I was in a pretty good mood. And things went well all morning. I nailed another monitor. Shaheed the QA even came up to me to say so. But lunchtime turned my day sour. This guy calls in. He's installing one of our wireless cards on a windows 2000. Now anyone who knows anything about computers knows that before xp you windows did not provide you with a wireless client. You had to install your own. So I got the mans wirelesscard installed in like 2 point 2 seconds YAY victory. But then came the wireless client. .... We searched the whole cd for that damn client. Nothing. At&t decided to discontinue the download of their wireless client. But noone ever told us in tech support. So I spent two hours trying to hunt down a download that no longer fucking exists. Making me look like an idiot.

My supervisors only answer to my obvious issue was. "refer to vendor" HOW THE FUCK DO YOU REFER TO VENDOR WHEN WE WERE THE IDIOTS THAT SENT THAT MAN I WIRELESS CARD KNOWING THAT WE DONT HAVE A CLIENT FOR IT??????? So in the end the man got angry and told me that he hoped I lost my job for wasting so much of his time..... motherfucker.....



So I go on lunch. I come back. And I get another wireless call. This one is from some 80 year old lady who had the patience of a two year old. She was absolutely incapable of following directions. Well it turned out she had a bad wireless card. She flpped out. She called me every name in the book including CUNT. I got called a cunt by an 80 year old woman. So I got permission to escalate the call to a supervisor and well we were on hold for the sup for about 20 minutes. And everytime I would go to refresh the lady (policy is every three minutes) The supervisor line would disconnect so I was stuck at the back of the line. We finally get to the sup and the old had says "my grandson said he could get me connected with this cord and it would be just as good" I was fuming. .... I had told her that before she went postal.... but in my sugarry fake Tech support voice I say "Thats Great! Is there anything else I can help you with?" And the old hag says "Learn how to do your job, Cunt"

She called me a cunt twice...... Sweet voice comes out even though I was literally digging my nails into my hands until it bled a little. "Thank you for calling at&t and you have a wonderful day."





So needless to say not a good day O.O

Incantations, potions, spells, charms are not all that make up the existance of a true witch. Thats the thing that new witches tend to forget. Its not about power and how much you can do. Its about having a true relationship with the earth and with the gods.

Thats why it kills me when people ask me to teach them about how to be a witch and the first thing they ask about is spells....WHY?

The first thing that you should learn is about the gods, about the earth, the sabbats and esbats, and what you truly believe. Spells come later. Ive been a witch for quite some time not as long as others but still. When I came back to being a pagan after a christian phase I went through, I really studied. I have been studying celtic paganism for several years. And rarely do I do "spells." My main focus is to get in tune with the elements, learn about the sabbats and esbats and build a relationship with the gods. Thats where I think it truly begins. Because you need a good foundation. If you build your beliefs simply on spells and rituals then when you fall the gods wont necessarily be there to catch you. when you do a spell without learning about the elements, you are more likely to have it blow up in your face, the energy raised in it will have no where to go because you have not learned how to ground it, and the purpose behind it will not be recognised since you probably wont know why you are doing what you are doing.



For example. A girl I once knew wanted to be a witch and so she picked up a book flipped straight to a spell and cast it. The spell was a love spell (of course) And because she had poor direction and little knowledge as to how magick works she wound up with the guy actually disliking her quite a bit. She blamed it on the book. Okay putting my views on love spells aside (I really dont believe they are worth crap) The problem was she didnt have good intent. She was being selfish about the whole thing and was in essence making a mockery out of two truly beautiful things. Love and Magick. Love is something that you cannot make happen out of thin air, its a living thing it grows from something and breathes life into a person, if you make it something alien it is loses the beauty and meaning of it all. And Magick is not meant to control people, it is meant to improve life make one stronger healthier and wiser. It is a tool used to enlighten one, make you more intune to the world around you, more intune with yourself, and more intune with the ancestors and gods. Magick has never been and should never be about what you can do TO someone but what you can do for someone. I am not against using magick for personal gain. I'll admit when money was tight I lit a money candle. But not to be a millionaire I asked the goddess to give me what I need and what I deserve. And sure enough bills were paid and there was food in my stomach not because money fell from the sky but because a job I applied for came through. Magick is not meant to make you not earn things, but help you along the way you still have to work for the things you want.



To me magick like love is a living breathing thing. It lives in elements of the earth and in the hearts of everyone. I don't believe you have to be a certain type of person to do magick. I think you just have to open yourself up to it. Work at it. It takes discipline and study to get to where some witches are. But something interesting to know is that some of the most powerful witches never cast a spell.