The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I've been feeling really productive lately. Last night I designed and uploaded the first two pages of the first website I've designed in over 4 years. I forgot how much I liked making them. I was up until three am, but for some reason I woke up at 7 this morning without an alarm. I'm leaving for Philly tomorrow early, but the hotel I'll be at has free internet connections in all the rooms. Yes, I'm taking my laptop with me because I'm just that addicted to the internet that I can't even take a vacation without it.



It's starting to hit me that I'm moving in a few (about 6 or 7) weeks. I'm not going to miss the people in Canton, most of my friends have already moved and I talk to them on aim, so it will be more like an escape from bad memories than a move. I still need to work on my scrapbook, it got pushed into the background during finals and never really re-emerged. I might work on that a little bit today.



Now I'm just rambling, it's still too early for me.

Today was excellent. Well, the afternoon was. When I got the mail, I got a card from my grandparents, and a $200 check, just in time for my trip. And there was a letter from someone special, which made me abnormally happy. I haven't stopped smiling, which is a weird feeling for me. And then mom got me some mint chocolate chip ice cream. The apartment is a lot cooler than it has been the past few weeks. I can't remember the last time I was in this good of a mood. *dances around happily*

Holy Shit! Def Leppard was just added to the Live 8 lineup. I'm so freaking excited about this trip now I can't stand it.

I have found a new addiction. Kelloggs Swirls Cinnamon Bun cereal. I am normally highly selective when it comes to cereal, but I've been eating this stuff all day as a snack. Now I'm going to get fat and not be able to fit into my swimsuit. Oh well, I don't care, it's too good.

I just got yelled at for my attitude... again. Hmmm, I wonder why I have an attitude. Could it be because I've been trapped inside a blazing hot apartment for the past 3 weeks? Could it be because most of my friends have disappeared off the face of the earth and the only human I've had contact with is my mother? Or could it be the fact that I've had a headache for the past three days and I'm bleeding from the vagina? Hmmm, I wonder.........

The past three days have been interesting. Thursday I went to our city's bicentennial concert thing from 7pm till 10. The music was good, but there wasn't much else to do. I had awkward encounters with two guys I dated a while ago. Why come over and talk to me when you have nothing interesting to say? On Friday I began the great swimsuit search of 05. That ended up with nothing except a pair of sandals and two pairs of sunglasses. I refused to wear any of that flowery shit that every place I went had. Saturday I went out again, and finally found a great suit. It's black with silver grommets, and fits me perfectly. When I showed it to my mom (who got it for me, as my bank account is lower than the hidden city of atlantis) she made a lovely comment. "You have porn star boobs." Then she continued to compare me to Pamela Anderson. Thanks mom, love you too. It's not my fault, I blame it all on my genes. I have finally given in to the fact that my brain refuses to shut off before four in the morning, so I installed photoshop and have started doing something artistic with my photos. Things have been quiet the past few days, with no nasty confrontations with people or anything. I'm continuing to work on my anger and grudge issues. I did have an arguement with my deodorant this morning, but I won. It's lying in pieces on the floor of my bathtub. Yes, I know, but it wouldn't stay on the countertop and I was having a mood swing. Yea, well, not much else to say for now.

I am joyously happy with my new hair color. I changed it yesterday, and it took me a while to get used to it. Even my mom, who made me have malibu barbie blonde hair from seventh grade until I turned 18, likes it. It can look red, black, or burgundy, depending on the light. Kind of like a really dark red wine. I needed a change, mainly because my color had faded out to it's natural mousey brown, and my self esteem reverted back to the 4th grade when I went home crying nearly everyday because someone had called me ugly. Elementary school was hell for me, and when I get flashbacks I can feel myself slipping back into depression. I was the only 5th grader who, after getting off the bus home, took two pills of benadryl with Nyquil so she could sleep and didn't have to think about the day. My mom always wondered why I was passed out on the couch when she came home from work. My inner child is a mentally fucked up 10 year old with brown hair and big glasses, and I'm running away from her as fast as I can.

Well, the past few days have been... interesting, to say the least. Tuesday I found out that the little bird I tried to rescue hadn't made it through the night, it had too many injuries. I also went to the chiropracter, didn't help very much though. Wednesday was quiet, and sad. I found out that a girl I went to middle school with had just died in a car accident. I didn't know her very well, but she was in a few of my classes. Thursday, yesterday, everything just got to be too much. I found out the bank fucked up my statement, and my old college still thinks I owe them money. I paid that fee at the beginning of the year, I just have to find the receipt and prove it to them. Then I found out that I point I had been trying to get across to someone was chosen to be glossed over rather than discussed. On top of that, mom came home crying because her boss is being a douchebag and believing what an ex convict says over her. We just sat in the living room, stewing over all that had happened, and then decided to leave. We grabbed our purses and just started driving with no destination in mind. We left at 6pm, and by 9pm, we ended up eating omelettes for dinner at a family restaurant in Grove City, Pennsylvania. We talked about going to New York and on to Toronto, but then realized that she didn't have her zoloft, and I didn't have my b.c. or sleeping pills. So, we stayed at a cute little inn for the night, and drove back this morning. We passed a llama farm, and I got pictures. Soon to be posted in my portfolio. I feel a lot better then I did yesterday, though I'm still annoyed about a few things. Nothing really worth my time though. That's about it.

Today was interesting. I spent the early part of the day at home, relaxing and working on a bracelet. I needed some crimp and seed beads to begin this necklace, so mom drove me up to Pat Catans when she got home. When we pulled into the parking lot, we saw a bird that had been hit. The poor thing was struggling and still had a lot of life in him. He wasn't bleeding, and looked like he had a good chance of survival. We went inside the store, got a box, and picked up the little thing. We drove him to Sippo Lake's animal center, and they said it all depended on whether or not he survived the night. I'm going to call tomorrow and see if it's ok. I don't understand how someone can hit an innocent animal and just leave it there. Once we made sure he was being taken care of, we ran back to the store and got the supplies I needed. Then taco bell for dinner and back home. I also had a weird kind of realization/theory thing that just hit me. A relationship (whether romantic or friends) is like a beaded necklace. It's made of many little things held together by a thread. It takes a long time to create, and the more time you spend on it, the more good memories you add, the stronger and more beautiful it will become. If you give up on it, it will sit there for years, never growing. If there is a weak spot in the thread, the whole thing will break. Once it's broken, it's nearly impossible to fix. But if you take it apart, find out what made it break, what the weak spot was, you can begin to rebuild it, making it even stonger than before. If this makes sense to anyone else, let me know.

Saturday I spent most of the day at home. Mom and I went out to dinner, then to Belden Village. I went to return the lingerie I bought, and met a very hot asian guy. Tall, thin, amazing hair, and beautiful eyes. If there weren't 10 other people in the store, I would have done him right there on the counter. He is the most gorgeous guy I have seen in months, and he was flirting with me. I've always had a thing for asians... Anyways, then we headed to walmart. I got this muder mystery historical fiction action book, which I love, called The Romanov Prophecy. I also got How To Deal and Queen of the Damned on dvd, which I've been wanting forever. I was so happy it was on sale I practically danced into the waiting line. I also got a bunch of supplies for beadwork, as I've been wanting to make my own jewelry and I need a creative outlet for all my anger. I found a beautiful hematite pendant, and some tiger's eye and amethyst as well. All stones I've worked with before and have had good results using. I was in a very good mood, to say the least.



Sunday I spent all day helping mom design and redecorate her office. I also went and got more beads to work with. I love being able to pour all my energy into creating something beautiful. Plus, it keeps my mind occupied on something other than my issues. As for my issues, I think I've finally worked past a lot of them, with some help from my friends. I've also realized that I'm tired of being used by people, and I'm not the same weak person I used to be.



As for today, well, it's only an hour and a half into the day so there's not much to tell so far. We'll see how the day progresses.

I find it pretty fucking funny that people ask me if I'm ok after reading my journal and mentioning my driving lessons. Did you read the rest of it where it's obvious that I'm fucking pissed off?? No, of course not. Or you just chose to overlook it because your motto is ignorance is bliss. Again it just proves what I'm worth to you. Nothing.

Well, everything I've feared for the past few weeks has been confirmed. I have been firmly shut out of everyone's life who I thought was a friend. I hope they are all happy now, they don't have to deal with me anymore. I've realized that everything they have told me is bullshit, and they were lying to make me happy. Guess what? It didn't work. You know what else? I'm not fucking stupid, although that's how you seem to prefer people to be. Is it that difficult to give me the same consideration you would everyone else? Or would you just like me to disappear out of your lives altogether? That can easily be arranged if you wish. I'm not even angry this time, I'm just hurt.

Today sucked ass, to put it plainly. I had nothing to do so I watched daytime tv and listened to my brain cells die due to lack of intelligent conversation or stimulation. Hopefully I'll be able to get some driving practice in tomorrow, as I had to miss my lesson yesterday. There wasn't even anyone online that really wanted to talk to me, except for Christen. All my love to my Dr. Phil. I know that pink monkey is going to show up anyday now. Mom got me some new candles and took me out to an early dinner after I called her threatening to hang myself if I didn't have anything to do. Well, that's about it. That's sad that I don't have anything else to write about. I apologize for boring you.

Well, today was rather uneventful, as I spent the entire day laying on my bed and trying to stay cool. Sadly, that didn't work, so mom and I went out to dinner, then out to buy a portable air conditioner. After about 5 stores, we finally found a good one. As mom doesn't get paid until Friday, I paid the 400 dollars for it. Now I have only the minimum balance needed to keep my bank account open. Thankfully, my grandparents are sending me a graduation check, and mom is going to pay back the 700 some dollars she owes me over her next few paychecks, so all should be good. The plans I had with my friend fell flat, as she was nowhere to be found today. Oh, I managed to fix my glasses. With copper wire. Oh yes, they look so attractive now that I'm not going to just cover my head with a paper bag like usual, I'm just going to bury it in some sand and leave it there for good. It's not like I use it for anything. Thankfully the air conditioner (which we are not supposed to have in our apartment, but since when did I ever listen to the rules) is starting to cool the rooms down a bit. Haven't had any contact with anyone today, not a phone call or even a message on aim. I need to make some new friends or get a job before I die of boredom. Contrary to popular belief, that is very possible. I even have to cancel my driving lesson for tomorrow because mom is not willing to drive me there. Go figure.

Today wasn't too bad, but I did have a few annoying and one sad thing happen. the good news is that my father is on a plane back to California. I am so ridiculously happy that he is gone. However, a close friend of mine moved today, and will not have internet access for a long time. I will miss talking to him everyday, he helped me through a lot of my recent emotional problems. For that I am forever grateful, and he is my angel. Here are the two annoying things. The screw fell out of my glasses, the lens fell out, and now I can't get the bastard back together. I am wearing 6 month old contacts just so I can see enough to type this. I also went shopping, and got a cute lingerie set with a soft corset. The corset was too large around my waist and far too small around the chest. I'm going to have to return it, and I'll probably get a fitted corset with supports in it instead. Hopefully one of those will fit me better. I might get to hang out with one of my friends tomorrow, but other than that it seems like I have no friends who want to spend time with me. I'm at the point where I don't give a fuck about that anymore, because I won't see them anymore anyways once I go off to Kent. People forget me quickly.

My roomate for next year at Kent just emailed me back, and all I can say is thank god. She likes U2, Enya, and Jimi Hendrix. If she had bad taste in music, I would have had to move. She's an artist too, so I am expecting fewer conflicts than I was afraid of. As long as she's not a bible thumper, all should be good. I'm starting to be a lot more optimistic about moving in the fall, even though I have about a million things I need to do. Including getting a job. If anyone knows if anyone is hiring, I would love the help. I realized the 5 out of the top ten students in our graduating class (including me) are all going to Kent together. That's kind of creepy, but it would kick ass if all 5 of us ended up in the top ten at Kent's graduation 4 years from now. I'm going to the chiropracter today to see if he can straighten out my back. Looking around, I have noticed that I have spent so much time outside of my house and on this site that my room has deteriorated to the point where it looks more messy than a guys room. That's bad. Alright. I think it's time for me to get my procrastinating butt off of this computer chair and get to work.

Ever have one of those days where a million things hit you at once and you're not quite sure how to handle them? That exactly sums up how I felt today. It was surreal, and at times all I could manage to do was smile and nod my head. I think I'll begin from where I left off. I got online when I got home, and was talking to people online, as usual. A very close friend, although he is a million miles away, told me how he felt about me. I was shocked and surprised at first. Don't worry darling, nothing will change in a negative way. I will always be here for you, and I suppose the best we can do is to take things as they come for now. Graduation was insane, and I didn't cry or fall up the steps. Woohoo! I did run into some people afterwards that I certainly didn't expect to see, and one in particular was a huge shock. We're talking Sway nearly going into cardiac arrest on the spot. Hmmm, isn't your friend supposed to warn you when people like that are going to show up unexpectedly. It turned out alright though. No blood was shed, and we actually hugged. And just to think that a few months ago I was planning on how to set his house on fire (making sure that grandparents and pets weren't home, of course). I'm not psychotic, I just get pissed off when people lie. Anyways, after having about a million pictures taken (in which half of them I am either blinking or look like shit in) I went out to dinner. I would have liked to go somewhere with friends, but as usual I am tossed in the background and forgotten about. Am I truly that invisible and unimportant? Anyway, I brought home this cheesecake they had with chocolate mousse on top. Yay cheesecake! I'm saving that one for breakfast. So now I'm home, typing what I can remember and what is most important. That's all I can think of for tonight. I certainly have written a lot today.

Ok, I need to bitch about something really quick before I get angry. I do not find it sad that the girl you dumped me for is not coming to graduation. Just reading or hearing her name makes me want to slit my own throat. In fact, if she did show up, I would probably leave. I try to get along with everyone, but there are just some people I hate. And yes, I think I have a damn good reason. If I ever see her again, I am not responsible for anything that may fly out of my mouth. I feel a whole hell of a lot better now that I've gotten that out. I'll leave it at that.

Well, in less than 8 hours, I will be graduating. It still hasn't hit me yet, even though we had rehearsal for it this morning. I've actually been in a good mood. Things that would normally send me into a rage haven't even affected me. Hmmm. I wonder why? Teehee. Anyways, my lower back is killing me this morning, and it never hurts. It's usually my upper back. I think the chairs they had us sitting in made it worse. I have chords to wear for National Honor Society, we're being presented with chords for Top Ten, but I'm not sure if we're supposed to wear our medals or not. And I have to wear a dress and heels. Dammit. Oh yes, my mother keeps making sex jokes, mainly aimed at me and someone else. Ahem. I'm going to need about 10,000 dollars worth of therapy before I turn 20.

Oh joy. Father's here, and being an ass. Well, back at his hotel now. Mom's now drunk and pissed at him. I'm pissed at both of them, and upset that someone I counted on being able to talk to has been MIA all day. What's going on? On top of that, my former best friend from my old school brought back a lovely little memory. She's casually seeing a guy I had a huge thing for back in 7th grade. She decided to remind me of the time at homecoming where I got pissed at her for dancing with him. It was middle school! Let it go! I blocked all that out and now I'm having some really bad flashbacks. And now apparently, they "giggle" about what happened and they think it's cute. Anyone have an icepick I can shove through my temple? Please? A javelin or any other sharp object would work too. Anything to make the memories go away.

Good morning everyone. I'll probably be writing in here a lot today. It's a two cups of coffee and a caffeine pill kind of morning, I couldn't sleep last night (again) and I also got annoyed because no one would talk to me. Which, of course, made the insomnia worse. Oh joy. On top of that, I couldn't sit at the computer because my back has been killing me the past week. Anyways, I'll be good once the caffeine and allergy meds kick in. Now I'm off to finish cleaning. Or procrastinate doing so, which is far more likely to happen.

Trying to prepare myself for dealing with the sperm donor I'm expected to call dad's arrival tomorrow. He won't be getting in until later in the afternoon, so I'll be nice and medicated by then. I just wish he wasn't staying for so long. Other than the annoyance, everything is going okay. I'm surprised and very pleased with a recent change in someone I know. Little things like that mean the world to me.

Well, just when I thought the spending was over, guess who's car decided to be a bitch and not start again? That's right, mine! So what was wrong with it? The starter is crap and overheats. So guess who had to get a new starter put in? Me! And of course, my car can't take the nice cheap starter, it has to be an import. So, with the part and labor, it came to about 250 dollars. My bank account is rapidly disappearing. Now I'm tired, but a call from a friend cheered me up. See, I knew you weren't that allergic, and thanks.



Update: How fucking stupid do you have to be to put a chicken in the oven without a pan? And when a grease fire starts, how dense do you have to be to try and put it out with water? That's what one of my neighbors did. She got it out, but the hall was filled with smoke and it took the fire department a half hour to turn off the alarm. This is the second time she's done this, and I'm about to wring her stupid, scrawny little neck. She shouldn't be allowed to touch a stove, let alone have children. My headache came back. Compared to today, I think dealing with my father may be easy. I hope so.

Well, I thought the spending was over. I was wrong. From July 2nd to the 5th, mom and I are going to Philidelphia for the Elton John aids benefit concert and the second Live Aid concert, and the lineup includes Sarah McLachlan, Rob Thomas, and Bon Jovi. *sigh* Bon Jovi. I don't care if he's 40 something, he's still one gorgeous man. I booked the last room at the Courtyard Marriott for 3 nights. $550 dollars. Mom's paying me back for her half, as she doesn't have a credit card and we needed one to get the room. Hey, it looks like I will be doing something more exciting than mentoring at journalism camp this summer.

Woohoo! *does the Premium membership dance* Ok, now I'm going to put down the credit card and step away from the checkbook.