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It's only noon, and I have gotten into medical and financial trouble. Doesn't take very long, does it? I went to Psych class, then I had to go to the dentist. I have 6 cavities, one of them being where my tooth partly broke off of one of my older fillings. It's sharp as hell, and I can't get it fixed until the 19th because my dentist is going on vacation. Everyone gets a vacation except me. On top of that, it's official that I have TMJ. That's short for a long name that means my jaw keeps popping out of place. This is caused from clenching my jaw from stress. TMJ gets much worse if not treated, and sometimes surgery is needed if it gets really bad. Guess what the treatment is? A $500 night wear bite plate that my government insurance doesn't cover. I have to pay it in full. Great. Just peachy. I don't have the money to get lunch, let alone buy this thing. Mom said she'll buy it when her income tax money comes in though. And I have about 5 more dentist appointments in the next 2 months. Oh joy, oh rapture. So that was my morning. Let's hope the rest of the day improves.



Another thing I am sick of reading about is everyone's happy relationships. I just want to shove an ice pick through their temples. Okay, rant over.

I haven't written in a while, but I've had a lot to catch up on school wise. Today was really quiet, but really nice. My English professor was in a good mood, and we finally got around to analyzing archtypes, which is actually interesting. At rehearsal, we got through the entire play, and everyone was doing much better. I was a little off today and having some trouble projecting my voice though. Then I came home and talked to people online until 3, when I went back for Interactive Media. Hi Jamie! I have a feeling you're reading this. Then I came home and just relaxed for the rest of the afternoon. I've been in an amazing mood lately. I think it's the high school environment that stresses me out, because I love my college classes. Well, that's really all for now. Nothing new to report when it comes to my lack of a social life. It's not my fault that everyone has a spring break except me. Off to bed now.

Today was my last day off, and I only got that because I had to visit the doctors. Good news though, in a few days I should be all better. Yay! And I'm allowed to have coffee again. Other than that the day was very quiet, and boring. I spent the whole day talking to friends online. I did get a very weird feeling though. Something is wrong, or going to happen, and I don't know what. So right now I'm slightly on guard. Hopefully it's something good, or nothing at all. I wish I had something more interesting to write about, but sadly, I don't. Au Revoir.

Yesterday, I couldn't keep anything down, including my meds. So I ended up at the hospital for another 5 hours. I was treated for dehydration and taken off the antibiotics they put me on. I didn't have an infection, just a kidney stone. I'm feeling a lot better right now, but I still have no energy, so I'm not going back to college and rehearsal until Tuesday. I don't care if Sach gets pissed, because I'll have a doc's excuse. At least I can eat again.



There's one thing that has hit me like a bullet though. I realized that in about 4 months, I'll be moving out on my own, and away from everyone. I'm not sure how well I'm going to handle this. Just about everyone I know is either living with their parents while they go to college, taking a year off, or moved out a long time ago. I'm afraid of losing contact with everyone who will still be living here, and I'm kind of freaking out about this. Well, that's about it for now.

I feel a bit better today, but I'm still pretty much confined to the couch because of all the meds I have to take. I couldn't make it to rehearsal today, but I have to go to college on Monday, then rehearsal, then the doctors. Well, I guess this is mother nature's twisted way of telling me to slow down and take some time for myself. No one has really been online, since you all have lives, so I have been bored out of my mind. My emotional state has improved a bit as well, I can feel the depression starting to lift. Or maybe it's all the vicoden they have me on. Well, that's all for now.

Yay! I spent 5 hours in the hospital this morning. I woke up at 2 am with my right side hurting like hell. I have some sort of pelvic infection, but they won't know for sure until the cultures come back. They have me pumped full of vicoden, morphine, and antibiotics. I can't keep any food down and I am flat on my back on the couch. This sucks. I have way too much to get done to be tied to my house. At least I have my laptop and I can work on newspaper and my english class. I am going to try and make it to set construction for the play on Saturday, because I have to miss rehearsal today. Wahhhhh.

Right now I just feel ... I don't know. Lonely, empty, purposeless. Everyone is yelling at me to focus on school, but getting some doctorate in education is just a way to make money. It isn't my dream. Everyone says I have my whole life ahead of me. Yes, I do, and I want to be able to spend all that time focusing on taking care of what I really want. A family and someone to love. I don't want to spend my whole life waiting like so many other people do. Yea, I have an old fashioned belief in that I want to be a wife and mother. Maybe it's a crazy dream, but that's what would make me happy.

I may be a drama queen, but at least I don't toy with people's emotions and lead them on... for an entire year. And again, how do you have the balls to call me a drama queen when you walk around slamming doors, leaving a room the minute I walk into it, and asking everyone to look at what i wrote. If you want to talk about it, you need to talk to me, not my friends.

Yes, this is directed towards you. Fuck this shit. You are a hypocrite and I refuse to put up with this shit any longer. All you want is a piece of ass. Go on, go find your piece of ass. You obviously like being treated like shit because you date all these whores. Then again, you are just a little boy. Maybe that's what went wrong. Maybe I treated you too well. Maybe I gave you too many chances. You say you consider yourself to be one of the last few gentlemen. Well, you sure don't act like it and you don't know how to treat a girl right. Slamming doors while she cries, not the way to handle it. Talking about fucking anything in sight while she is around, not funny. Neither are all the other jokes. It's not cute, and it's not funny. What I want is a committed relationship, not this borderline bullshit. Go on, have your fun. Sleep with all the little preppy princesses you want to. When you're done and ready to take some responsibility, then come and talk to me. That is, if I'm still around, and there's a good chance that I won't be.

Okay, sorry for the previous entry. Just blowing off some steam.

I find it amazing that some people can be so hypocritical. They tell you what you should do to make things better. They tell you to make an effort. Then when you try to do so, they make no response. They do exactly the opposite of what they said you should do. Why is that? Is it just a coincidence? Am I supposed to be "learning my lesson"? Yes, I realize that it takes two people to communicate, but just because one begins to make an effort, the other should not stop trying to make an effort. One side or the other doing all the work does not fix anything. It takes an equal amount of effort. And that applies to everything. Not just talking, but letting the person know you care and that you realize: she won't wait forever

Ever feel like you are trying to talk to a brick wall?

Yay for communication!!!

I apologize for not writing in a long time, but things haven't been going so well. An on going fight with someone whom I've cared about for a very long time is tearing me into pieces. For the past three days I haven't been able to stop crying. I never cry in front of people because I think it shows weakness, but I've broken down in front of some people who I didn't want to show any weakness in front of. My hands have started shaking again on and off, for the first time since 5th grade. I can't sleep through the night, and let's just say I'm not dealing with this very well. I don't know what to do anymore. How can you fix a fight when that person will barely talk to you? I can't remember the last time I was in this much pain.

Ever feel like you are breaking into pieces? You can't breathe without pain? Like all you want to do is cry and hope that all the damage will somehow be repaired?

I give up.

Last night was perfect. Somebody was very sweet, and made me feel a lot better. That should happen a lot more.

I am writing in here to provide an example for someone who refuses to write in their journal. *wink* Will I have to bring out the whip??