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Since the loss of my brother I feel a spilt personality. I am sad sometimes with fit of depression. Than a dark rage builds in me, it makes me feel like my skin is turning into a rough rhino HYDE. My arms feel the anger build in my heart, the candle of kindness and compassion flickers in the darkness that is my soul. It is almost like I have turned to something worse than I already am. Most people see me as a nice person, not one to piss off, but just like any other person walking the streets at night. Now some see me as Villain, there is not much I can so who cares. One person said, "Your almost like a comic book hero, who for due to great loss walks away from his team mates. A Man that went from hero, to AntiHero." An AntiHero, maybe that is what happens when someone close is taken from you. Not many people understand where once was light was now darkness falls. It is hard to move back into the light when it is taken from you, the darkness holds a unspoken peace. My body feels like armor of a rhino, scares that run deep across my heart.

It is too late for any friends to try, they hada chance and did not try. GOLLUMS song, speaks loudly of my own pain. lost can never go home.

Sometimes I think to myself that it would be nice tohave someone tolove,maybe it is just I am so down on myself that things just do not work out the way I hope. My lovelife went dead a long time ago and yes, a big git like myself sometimes wants to feel loved. I am 26 and missed so much inmy short life, I wanted to go to a real college. I really belive that my life might had been different, better, worse? Who the fuck knows. I knowpeople say, "Just g back to school". What no on gets about my feelings on college, my thoughts are you need to be young. 18 green to the real world, and full of ideals and hope. My spirit was broken a long time ago.

I was a recklessyoung man in my teen years and I missed the boat because of lack of money and I had no one that believed in me.