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Even as I type that name my eyes cloud over with tears and my throat shuts.

I've had pets before, and my childhood dog will always have a place in my heart, but I never had a kitty like her.

She was so loving and affectionate, with just the sweetest disposition.

She would lay in my lap or on my desk and rub her face on my face, and I never minded that I would leave with cat fur all over me.

She was smart and playful and the cutest thing with silver stripes and green eyes.



When I had gotten her I had to bottle feed her and she would cling to me with her sharp little kitten claws like I was her mommy.

I would hold her against my chest and she would rub her head on my chin.

When I tapped my hip she would climb up my leg so I could hold her.

She is irreplacable.

I was so attached to her.

I will miss my friend so very much.

it breaks my heart.......

I know, the two topics that should never be brought up in conversation are 1. Politics and 2. Religion.

Well seeing as how this is NOT a conversation, yes, I have chosen to speak about my religion here.

I will start off by saying that in no way, shape or form do I believe that I follow the "correct" religious path. I follow what works for me and what I have been somewhat raised with. I highly respect all other faiths and would never try to convince, or convert, although I may debate, but most often it is over semantics.

I am far too open minded to let religion get in the way of either friendships or relationships, so if you try to confront me about my beliefs in a confrontational manner, I will ignore you.

To start, I do believe in the Goddess. She is the Maiden, the Mother and the Crone. She is in all nature and the Moon, she is the earth, she is the stars. She has many faces and depending on how I may need her depends on what form she comes to me in. She is the trinity and represents birth, life, death and rebirth. The Maiden is the huntress, she is birth and new beginings, youth and new love. The Mother is fertility, she is nurturing and represents life and sexuality. The Crone is wise and represents death and endings, but like the Moon that represents the Goddess, she waxes once more and the Maiden follows shortly after.

I have come to realize at this point that I may be here for a while on this subject. Perhaps I will continue this at a later point. There are so many other aspects to what i believe in that I would like to cover.

I don't remember my last entry....the one that got deleted, or the other one that got deleted, all I know is that the public entry was about how I want to save the world, and the private entry was about how I'm trying to save my own world.

I am so fragile....I have tried so hard to become the kind of person who can let everything just roll off them, but I'm not. My feelings and my heart are delicate and words serve like memories for me, some bring nostalgia and happiness, others bring tearful, heart breaking pain that I can hide from the world......but not from you. You see all my truths, and that's what makes me so vulnerable, that is why I get scared. Because a person in a most vulnerable position can be easily broken. But I know you would never do that to me. I love how you know me so well, but at the same time, there are so many things that you don't know about me.

I will always be here for you.

Smile, for you are truly loved......passionately, deeply and without end.

Do you ever get that awful feeling of impending doom? That horrible sinking in your chest feeling that you just can't stop. I'm sure you have. I have it right now. I hate it. This is not the only feeling I just can't shake, but one of invisibility. No, not just being ignored, more than that, absolute invisibility. You no longer exist, period. Even if someone talks to you, they are talking through you, and nothing you say has any affect on them or the world around you. Your feelings and thoughts are null and void.

It's hard to shake and very upsetting. I need something now to pull me out of this.....maybe lunch will help =)

"You shouldn't be crying right now, you should be thinking about the future.There will be plenty of time for us. I will make it happen."



Thank you for that. My heart sank the moment it hit me that I didn't have you near to wipe away my tears and kiss me. I felt so alone. But you always know just what to say. My one and only......someday I will make you see just how importamt you are to me. I'm having trouble writing at the moment. Words escape me when I have a million thoughts racing through my mind. I hope I never dissapoint you.

Next weekend lets get ice cream and read some Bleach again.

Some days I begin to drown in the very waters that I live in.

Instead of moving through easily, adapting where I need to, it becomes a struggle. Every little thing is a fight. I have to fight to get ppl to listen, I have to fight to finish the important things, I even have to fight with others when I know I'm right and have no reason to fight at all!

Everything is difficult, even a telephone call. Nothing works, especially the computer I depend upon to get my job done. It strains me, it wears me thin, and to top all of this off, I can't get you out of my head, or the question "Am I going to get to see him this weekend?".

At the end of the day the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I'm starting to drown under it. At least I can drag my tail behind me and go home to rest and dream. I know you'll pin it back on when it comes time. Everyone and everything that has pushed me, pulled me and shook me throughout the day begins to take affect when I'm alone. I get weak and I want to cry, but because I don't have you here to wipe away my tears I just take a breath and move on. Tomorrow will be even worse, I have to sleep.

I wish I could just vomit all over my keyboard and feel allllllllll better. But that's not gonna happen. I'm so hungry, but if I eat I'll throw up, but if I don't eat I'll throw up. So what do I do? Waste money on food that's going to be chewed and rejected by my stomach or just wait out the inevitable. Someone please put me out of my misery.

If anyone needs me this weekend, I'll be locked inside Azreal's closet.





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Edit 03/11/08

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It was a very fine weekend indeed, thanks sweetheart for everything.

I'm a horror freak. I like it all. Cheesy, campy, bloody, gruesome, genre, foreign, slasher, zombie, sci fi, thriller, you name it. I have no idea where this fascination came from, i don't share this with any of my family and none of my friends are quite as passionate as I am about it. But I do know my blood and guts :) I can tell you what kind of fake blood they are using, or in certain cases, if it is real blood (usually pig or cow blood). My favorite thing about horror is that even though I've seen just about everything, I can curl up with my guy and pretend like I'm scared or really grossed out. Of course this is so not true and I was almost kicked out of the theatre when I started laughing during Sweeney Todd when he was slicing throats. I am currently on a mission of sorts that I unfortunately am not going to give away all my info at this time, but I will tell you that I'm working on a movie of my own, or actually I should say "our" own. It's a zombie flick which is always great, and my next idea I'd like to work on is going to be very bloody, I would have to say I'd like it to be almost Troma-ish. (Kudos to those out there who know what Troma is). Oh and I'm sorry, but Saw IV I felt, did not carry the same ambience as the first Saw movie and this made me just a tad bit dissapointed. Well more to come on this my most favorite film subject.