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As I awaken from my sleep, I lay there and reminisce of the life I have lived. I wonder if I could have been a better person. The thoughts are very strong, images run thru my mind. All the wrongs I did all the pain and suffing I have caused. I ask myself is there any way I could make things better is there a chance for me to prove I'm a better person then that I have shown. All this anger all this pain I hold inside has caused me to lose almost everything I had. The life I had the life I enjoyed living seems to be fading away to a memory deep inside my subconscious mind. Is it wrong to forget something so precious just so the pain I have caused inside myself can go away? As I try to start a new life for myself, a life of loneliness seems harder to do. I keep looking back to the warmth and happiness I had and ask myself "why did you have to keep living that life when you knew you could lose everything?" I wouldn't believe it would happen to me. Now I live with an emptiness inside that I can not replace. Nothing will or can not replace the feelings I had in my old life. I hope one day I am forgiven for my wrongs, hope that I am cleaned from this anger this pain I hold. I hope one day I can regain that I have pushed away and lost forever !!

AS THE NIGHT COMES I SIT STARING AT NOTHING HOPING THAT A THOUGHT OF MY PAST LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME. EVERY NIGHT I SIT WONDERING WHAT MY PAST LIFE WAS OR HOW I LIVED IT. MY MIND IS SO COMPLEX FULL OF NOTHINGNESS THAT A COMPLETE THOUGHT DOES NOT ARISE. I PONDER ON MY PAST HOPING THAT I HAD A BETTER LIFE. AS THE DAY DRAWS NEAR I SLEEP AND MY MIND SHOWS ME A SURREAL LIFE, A LIFE OF SUFFING AND PAIN. MY MIND IS TWISTED AND MY DREAMS ARE SLASHED FROM THE REALITY CALLED LIVING. EVERY NIGHT I ASK MYSELF WHY I LIVE THIS LIFE OF THE DAMNED. MY DREAMS ANSWER WITH A VISION OF TORMENT. I CAN NOT PONDER IF I LIVED A BETTER LIFE. MY LIFELESS HEART AND SOULLESS BODY ARE CONTENT WITH THE LIFE I LIVE. MY MIND IS NOT. MY MIND BELIEVES THE WARM TENDER FEELINGS IT KNOWS WAS FROM A PAST LIFE FILLED WITH HAPPINESS AND JOY. TRULY, MY PONDERING MIND IS NO HELP IT FEEDS MY BLACK HEART AND SOULLESS BODY THE PAIN AND SUFFERING THEY NEED BY GIVING ME HOPE THAT THERE IS A BETTER LIFE FOR ME.