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You should probably look up the definition of the word "devotion" before claiming to feel that way towards your wife after repeatedly attempting to flirt with me in every conversation you've started with me the past few days.
Of course I know that I'm hot, and my pictures are very distracting. But thank you for completely validating me, I obviously need that, can't you tell how self-conscious I am🙄
While the attraction is not mutual, which should have been obvious by my complete lack of reciprocation, it makes me feel fucking icky, and I don't like feeling fucking icky. Not interested in being in the middle of your scumbaggery just cause dearest wifey ain't putting out. Ew~
My oldest sister was over, and we were all talking about my brother. Her attitude, and I think most of us similarly, changed after we all went to the beach in December. Since I had just gotten out of the hospital at that time, I didn't spend as much time on the actual beach as they did. And my sister said he was telling her some super disturbing stuff, things he'd like to do to certain women dressee a certain way, or who looked a certain way, basically just openly talking about his urge to murder women. Which isn't news, I've known about it for a long time. I don't know that he's actually hurt anyone, but I wouldn't be surprised since like I've said before, he's tried. And... I don't understand where his animosity towards women in particular comes from. True, he has three older sisters, but we've always been pretty good to him throughout his life, recently withstanding. He, and I were very close as kids. And my mother babied the fuck outta him. So it's like... a lot of men who have sadistic tendencies towards women, it most often comes from having bad relationships with women as children. Look at Wolfie. Wolfie absolutely hates, and is equally terrified of women. And if you look into his background of horrific childhood/lifelong abuse from his mother, it makes sense. Does it justify him treating women like shit? Does it make it ok what he did to me? No. But I get where it comes from. There's nothing like that when it comes to my brother. He's got more daddy issues than anything, but you don't hear him wanting to chop other men up into pieces. He told my sister that when he gets the urge to harm someone, he tells his wife, and she stops him. And it's like... if you're at that point, if you're self-aware enough to know you need to be stopped, get some fucking help. But he doesn't want help. He enjoys what he's doing. He already admitted that. And that's why I want my mother to have some distance. I'm not trying to turn her against him, but I don't trust that he's not deliberately trying to hurt her as well. His bitch-ass wife already talks shit about my mom to her children, they both have this weird thing where it's like... I don't even know how to explain it. It's like we love those kids so much, but then they try to convince them that we don't. And I don't get that... why you wouldn't want your kids to be loved by people who do genuinely love then. But then simultaneously allow a pedophile to have regular access to them. When my oldest niece told my brother that she doesn't feel comfortable with that asshole being around, his response was, "I thought it wasn't a big deal." Again... guy puts his hands down your daughter's pants... not a big deal? So he recognizes, and accepts that if happened, and just doesn't care. My niece has a girlfriend now... big surprise, right? She has unfortunately been embraced into the, "All the men in my life have failed me," club. It's not a fun club. Sure, my dad is better now, but he definitely wasn't an outstanding father growing up, and he's a much better grandpa to the kids which I appreciate. But it's not shocking that my niece has turned to dating other girls, guys suck xD But honestly her mom is just as toxic as her dad. She was telling me how the day after she got out of the mental hospital she got in a fight with her girlfriend, and she was pretty upset about it so she tried to talk tp her mother because you should be able to talk to your mother when you're upset about YOUR issues. Her mother's reaction was, "Well you just don't understand how badly you traumatized her, and especially traumatized ME by going into that place."
Cool.
Let's guilt-trip the girl who desperately needed help, and got help. She shoulda just stayed home, sunk deeper, and killed herself, right? Cause then you'd get that eternal victim badge of honor you so desperately want. She should definitely feel bad for how that made YOU feel, you dumbass narcissistic worthless little bitch.
I just don't understand.
I had a dream last night that a tornado was hitting the house, and instead of running to safety... I was desperately trying to lock the front door.
Because you know. That'll stop it xD
I guess the obvious interpretation would be that something is coming that I can't stop or control. That's pretty much all life though. Things are always happening, you have to adapt. My dad says I should look at life like a video game, and the end goal is just to survive as long as possible.
Yeah... I don't think whoever is playing my character cares much about my survival as much as my everlasting torment. So maybe I should survive out of spite. But. Is living just to be alive really living? No joy, no love, no laughter, no sex, no taste, no color. Just one foot in front of the other, merely functional, existing, but not... living. That sounds like depression. That's not for me. I'd rather die full than live empty. I'm not dying, not yet. My health took a noticeable nosedive when Wolfie left. I don't like admitting that, I don't want to be the cliché, "The love of my life left, and I've lost the will to live," trope. It's not like I blame him, I wouldn't make a miraculous recovery if he suddenly showed up, and I wouldn't want him coming back to me like this anyway. Would having him come back suddenly give me the desire to fight harder for my life? I can't answer that. But I don't need anyone to save me, especially someone who chose that they no longer wanted my life to be a part of theirs. I know it's more complicated than that, that it's not nearly that black and white. But it feels that way sometimes. It would be easier if he were just some asshole who uses people, and throws them away. It'd be easier to hate him. Like my ex. And I don't even hate my ex, I just want nothing to do with him. Forgiveness is nice, and all, but so is learning your lesson with certain people, like learning not to keep a dog around who bites you.
I mean, anyone could die at any second. You could stroke out, throw a blood clot, get into a car wreck going to buy cheese, get slammed by a tiny asteroid straight through the head, anything could happen at any time.
You could get abducted by aliens, choke on peanut butter, hit by lightning, sucked into a sink hole, fall down the stairs, attacked by bees, get sepsis from a beaver bite🤔
I think I've finally gotten through to my mother about my brother being a sociopath, if not a full blown psychopath. I get that it's not something you want to admit about your child, I don't like admitting it about my brother, but being proud of hurting people is... knowing that you're hurting them, and enjoying it is disgusting. Sure, there's sadism in BDSM, but it's not the same thing. When you're involved in BDSM you have your day, and Night personas,, and usually they don't cross. Like me. People always have a hard time believing I can be totally submissive, and enjoy it. Why? Because my every day personality is the opposite of every submissive thing you could imagine. Just like how a Dom can be extremely sadistic when he's in his Dom persona, but a kitten in every day life. Wolfie was like that. His problem was that he didn't know which side of himself was the real him. The truth is, both sides were equally him, but he couldn't accept that. He had a lot of self-hatred towards the darker parts of himself, and ultimately that's one reason why he chose to vanish. I think it was just easier for him... to not deal with me anymore. To just worry about himself going forward. Who can blame him?
My brother enjoys emotionally hurting people. That's why our oldest sister is done with him, especially the way he treats our parents. He uses everyone like his own personal bank, and if you dare to say no that's when he goes on his, "Family means nothing," tirades to his children. Because gods forbid he should grow the fuck up, and handle his own shit. They're gonna lose their house, car, and eventually probably the kids. They came over yesterday to pick up my oldest niece who had stayed the night, said nothing to anyone, jackass couldn't even say hello to his mother. Because they won't give him more money. That's the thing, it's always more, it's always another hole they've dug themselves into, it never ends. Where do you draw the line? And my brother is so resentful. If anyone has anything he doesn't, he can't stand them. Our middle sister is a perfect example. He, and her had a years long-standing beef because, in his words, "She acts like she's better than me." Just because she, and her husband work their asses off for what they have? Because they go on vacation every year? Because they get to go places, and do things, well how dare they live their lives, and have anything. It's amazing how much money you free up when you're not chain-smoking cigarettes/weed, and chain-drinking energy drinks. My niece watched them one day, and did the math, and they spend probably $100 a day on their habits. They make decent money, that's where it goes. Think about all the things you could do with that money... if you'd just stop smoking. And it's none of my business what he puts in his body, but when you then have to constantly "borrow" money from people, and none of even that goes towards your kids... I just want the kids taken care of. I just want them to be ok. My brother had come to pick up his two youngest kids Sun evening, and my 6 year old niece was coloring, and he was sitting there telling her how evil she was. Like... what? My baby niece is not evil. She's actually a carbon copy of me. Everyone says she's a little me. She loves all the creepy, scary, bloody, weirdo stuff. That doesn't make her evil, stop projecting, asshole. And he does, he wants his kids to be as bad as he is. Like my 10 year old nephew. He's constantly saying that his son has major mental issues just his daddy. No. Your child has learned MANIPULATION from you which he uses for attention. But otherwise? I've seen no indication of mental illness from him. The girls, however, both have problems. Could be the consistent over-exposure to shit, could be the pedophile uncle you let regularly be around them, who can fucking say. I try to be fair about things, but that's one of the biggest things that is completely unforgivable. If you had a daughter, and your brother/brother-in-law put his hand down your daughter's pants... would you just let that go? Because he said he was just joking. Would you laugh that off, and forget it, and continue to give him access to your children? Cause if it were me... If that were my brother putting his hands on any child, you ain't my fucking brother anymore, you're lucky if you're walking outta my house after some shit like that. I don't understand not protecting your children. And then it makes me wonder, does he like hurting them? Does he like hurting all of us? I think so. I think he enjoys emotionally abusing people, especially people who care about him. It's disgusting.
Whenever my oldest niece comes over she's always chomping at the bit to dish on all the absolute bullshit happening with her parents. All of my sympathy for my brother, and his skanky wife has completely left my body. Because let's remember that my niece just recently got released from the mental hospital. So while her two younger siblings were over here on Friday, cause ya know, their deadbeat parents did nothing for them for the holiday weekend so we took them shopping and whatnot. And... even if you don't celebrate Easter for religious reasons, it's still kinda bullshit to do NOTHING, not even a chocolate bunny, for a 6 year old. This from my brother who a few weeks ago got his tax returns, a large portion of it due to his children, claimed he was the richest man in the world, and is once again so dead-ass broke he can't buy his children anything. Just like Christmas. Just like always. You'd think when he got all that money maybe he'd have gotten his children some stuff, and stashed it away for holidays... but no. It all selfishly went to weed, cigarettes, energy drinks, and his skanky wife's overpriced car. Because people definitely can't see straight to how white fucking trash you are past the big sparkly mom SUV. She's such a wonderful mother... that apparently when my oldest niece, and her were having a conversation, again right after she left the mental hospital, she told her mother she doesn't trust her. And... that's obviously ridiculous to have no trust in mom of the year over here. And what was mom of the year's reaction to hearing her daughter's distrust? Do you think it was to behave in a mature, adult fashion, agreeing to work on something so important with her? No. Oh no. She screamed at my niece if she doesn't trust her then she'll just have to take everything she owes away, leave her in a bare room with only a mattress. Ya know... I just don't see the correlation between trust = you get to keep your own shit. I don't quite see how those are syncing up. So basically... she's threatening her own daughter that if she doesn't trust her, she'll lose everything. Because hey, forcing someone to trust you is the obvious way to make someone trust you, just fucking force it. I can't even comprehend how abusive, and childish that is. She, and my brother both have been talking major shit about how no one cares about them because no one checked on them while my niece was committed. My skanky sister in-law has also been boohooing, to her children, about how horrible my mother is because she said such horrible things to her. Fuck that. My mom told her the truth. The truth is not horrible, especially when you ask for it, it simply is what it is. I've never seen two people live in such denial in my life. Theu refuse to take any responsibility for what's going on with their children, they're blaming everyone, and everything else except themselves. Because they're both fucking narcissists. My brother brags about being a narcissist. To his children. He brags about getting close to people, manipulating them, and using them for his own selfish purposes. And this was the moment that all the slack he's been cut for his mental illness, that's fucking done from me. He's obviously self-aware. He could get help, he could stop hurting people, and he chooses not to. He enjoys what he's doing. I am done giving him any grace. And my sister-in-law should be on her knees kissing my mother's ass because my mother is the only thing standing between those two idiots, and complete armageddon. I could break them so easily, I could fucking destroy them, and they deserve it. Anyone who stands up for my brother is also an idiot. He whines that family means nothing because no one checked on them, and that's a lie because my mother talked to them every day, they also lied, and told us my niece didn't want us checking on her. But more than that, where the fuck was he when I nearly died in the hospital in December? Did he call me? Did he come see me? Did he make any effort at all? No. And I couldn't stand to be in the group chat for my niece because it wasn't for my niece, it was his skanky wife's personal pity party, everyone was invited to see how much SHE was hurting because obviously that's what was important. Not how her daughter was feeling going through all this shit, oh no, it was text after text of, "Losing my baby hurts ME so much, this is just so hard on ME." It actually disgusts me. I don't care that he's my brother. The only time he acts like a brother or a decent human being at all is when you're handing him money, when you're doing something he needs. He gives zero fucks about what anyone else needs, including his own children. He's stolen from them as easily as the rest of us. He stole a plushie from me years ago. Before my transplant all the dialysis nurses gave me this Cheer Bear plushie, and one day my brother took it, and gave it to his skanky wife because, "She was sad." Can you imagine being such a fucking loser that you have to steal shit from your sick sister to give to your wife? Oh even better than that, my oldest niece was telling me one night, years ago when she was younger, she woke up to her own fucking mother stealing her tooth fairy money out of her piggy bank. But don't worry, it's definitely not their fault how fucked up their kids are. It must be nice to be so blameless. Better than that, they are obviously the victims in everything, we should all be apologizing for how horrible we all are. Seriously, my dad invited both my brother, and oldest sister over for dinner, and when my sister heard my brother was coming, she refused. If all three of your sisters can't stand to be around you... well, clearly you're not the problem, right? When your own patents hope you don't show up for family functions, that's definitely not you, oh no, all of us are the problem, right? There was a time my brother, and I were best friends, when I would've defended him with every drop of blood, and bone in my body. No more. No more hiding behind his mental illness. If he were on trial he wouldn't be getting off for insanity. He knows what he's doing if he's bragging, and laughing about how shitty he is towards people. That's not mental illness, it's just being a shitty person, and hiding like a fucking coward behind it when anyone calls you out. No. More.
My dad has taken up baking as a hobby. He's "experimenting" on something for my niece's cheerleader bakesale.... Those poor cheerleaders xD He asked me how they make those fancy pudding filled cupcakes so I explained ganache to him, and how to core a cupcake which is like... ya put a hole in a cupcake, it's not that complicated. I've noticed, as he gets older, he likes spending more time with his children, he's getting sentimental in his old age. He easily has unlimited internet access to look all this stuff up, but I think he enjoys when I help him. He took me to get my meds, and I got an earful about my brother. Apparently he nearly went over there Friday night because he's had enough of his shit. My mom told my dad not to involve me because of my current health stress so he didn't want to tell me why he nearly went over there, but I got my mom to spill. It's just the usual him talking shit to his kids about not only me, but our parents. I guess what happened was my nephew accidentally hit my brother in the head with a shoe, and my brother freaking flipped the fuck out, screamed at ALL his children, and for whatever reason attacked me, and my parents because, "Family means nothing, they didn't even try to contact you while you were in the hospital, they didn't care."
Dude... the reckoning is coming. The unholy fucking retribution that he doesn't even understand is banging at the gate, and the only thing that holds me back is my mother because like a little bitch he doesn't confront you if he has a problem with you, he tells mommy, and puts that stress on her because she's babied him his whole life. Seriously, come get some, little bro, you might be twice my size, I'll get a fucking stool. He has become increasingly unstable the last couple years, he's the one who belongs in a mental ward, he legitimately should be hospitalized because it's just getting worse. My oldest niece is terrified of him, my mother is afraid he's going to snap, and kill them all, and if he hurts any of my babies... I'm not afraid to go to prison, I'm dying anyway. I'd rather he kill himself than kill his kids. Ideally, neither, but ya know, if I had to choose. Your mother shouldn't have to worry that you're gonna hurt your own family. She's worried he'll come after us too. All I can say is he better kill me quick cause I've got a 12 inch knife next to my bed, I'm gonna do some damage if I get the chance. Fuck that. My brother, his whole life, has been very open about his homicidal thoughts, how he constantly thinks about chopping women he sees into little pieces. There was a point years ago, in fact, where he met a girl online with the intention of enacting this fantasy. And everyone just pretends it didn't happen. He literally was going to KILL someone, and butcher them. And whose to say he hasn't? And this was back when he was more mentally stable. If it came out that he was a serial killer all his life I would not be even slightly surprised. That's why my mother constantly tries to keep the peace because it would be incredibly easy to push him over the edge, and who knows what he'll do once he's over. So what, we're just supposed to sit back, and let them abuse their kids, and behave like huge assholes? Just smile and nod. It's bullshit. Telling my niece that we didn't care she was in the hospital... She knows that's not true. And I personally opted to not be a part of the group chat because her mother was in it constantly, "Whahwhah, I'M so sad, I'M hurting, this is so greatly affecting ME, and MY life, mememememe." To the point where I requested of my mother to be removed from the group chat xD Because holy fuck, the self-pity party when you're the one who did this to your daughter who lives in fear of you. But oh no. It's not their fault. According to them, they've done nothing wrong. Boy, I'd love to live in fantasyland.
See, that's the other thing about my brother, he's trying to keep my sister-in-law happy, and it's a lot of stress on him because she needed the new house, the new car, the living way beyond their means, to impress who? I don't fucking know. Theu went out, and begged my grandparents for another $28,000 this weekend. When... they still owe from the last "loan." And they know that if they don't pay or back, my dad will start paying it back for them because that's just who my dad is. But they're ok with taking advantage of people like that because they're both scumbags. My dad told his parents not to "loan" them anymore money. I don't understand where all their money goes since they both work decent full-time jobs, they don't spend any money on their kids, they don't even have food for them half the time. They do go through a lot of weed, cigarettes, and energy drinks because, ya know, that's what's important. It's highly suspicious that they make all this money, but never have a dime. Like I've said, my brother being a shitty person is not something new, it's just gotten worse.
My middle sister is wanting me to spend a couple months with them in Texas. She claims my nephew has been asking about it... And I am close to all my nieces and nephews. But what 15 year old boy wants to hang out with his old auntie? I think it's more her. I think she saw how bad my health has gotten the last visit, and she wants to spend time with me while she can. Personally, I think the better solution to that would be move back here... But her husband is an asshole. Which is a pretty good excuse not to go. I mean, how would I spend two months away from my cat? He'd never forgive me. I was laying in bed a few nights ago, and it was getting late, and I knew I had to get up to let him back inside for the night. But I was feeling tired and lazy so I didn't want to get up. But then the intrusive thoughts come... Thoughts about finding him hurt or worse because I didn't get up, and let him inside. To the point where I immediately got up to find him because I needed him in my arms, I needed to know he was safe xD He is my child~
It's interesting because before I went to the hospital he rarely slept in bed with me. Occasionally he would if he were sick or scared or cold, but usually he preferred the floor or a box or his kitty bed. Now he's in my bed every night. He'll get up once or twice to eat or patrol, but he always comes right back, and snuggles up next to me. He is also getting sentimental in his old age.
I was laying in bed with my cat, thinking about what my personal heaven would be. If I were a very good girl, and got to choose my afterlife, where would I go? The nerd in me says Solace. You know, before the war, before the dragons, before it got burned to the ground. Hanging out with the Heroes of the Lance before they were heroes. Or maybe Gotham City, literally be Harley Quinn. Of course, I'd have to split my time evenly between Batman and Joker xD I love Joker, but Batman is Batman, he makes me starry-eyed. My cat would definitely be there, and I think he'd approve of that. Someone's obviously missing, but I wouldn't want to force anyone into my afterlife who chose not to be in my life. My opinion of him changes every day. What he did to me was extremely shitty. Sometimes good people do shitty things. Sometimes people just are shitty.
Or maybe Heaven is a world where everything is food. Gumdrop rainbows and marshmallow clouds🤔
I think I fractured my leg a couple years ago. I awkwardly managed to fall not on the stairs, but rather at the bottom of them. Don't ask me how that happens... I was in a gorgeous pair of platform heels, I was running by the stairs because I was leaving the house, and my right foot snapped right from under me, sending me very painfully straight into the stairs. And when I say my foot snapped... it was more my ankle, I swear my big toe touched my calf, I fell hard. Me being me, I laid there for 30 seconds moaning in agony with my cat vary helpfully sniffing my head, then hopped up, and limped onward, I had shit to do. It hurt to walk, but it wasn't excruciating. Actually, I found out that the only really excruciating activity was being on my knees, the ground pushing into a certain spot on my knee really, really hurt. So I think that's where the fracture is. And since my health was much better then, it easily repaired itself. But. Back in December while I was at the beach I managed to twist my leg pretty bad, I know, I'm a clutz. But I think it re-aggravated the fracture because since then walking has gotten more, and more difficult, and since my health has been taking a nosedive my body can't heal itself like it used to. I told my doctor, and he mentioned osteoporosis. Great, I'm officially an old woman with peanut brittle for bones. But hey, I can eat all the cheese I want, that for sure balances it all out. And all the meat I want. No salt though so I guess I may as well go out into a field, and bite some fresh cow. I need the iron~
I also got my taxes back so... I guess I did it right? I'll be honest, it was a toss-up, I half expected them to come after me xD But I can be a smart cookie. When I wanna be. I got a whole $10 back which is pretty hilarious. But it's better than owing, seems like a lotta people owe this year. My oldest niece got released from the mental ward. Her parents told the whole family not to contact her because SHE didn't want any of us to. Which would be fine, needing space in that situation is understandable. But it's funny... She stopped by here on Sunday, and she said it seemed like everyone was avoiding her. According to her, she never asked for that. So my brother, and his wife are fucking liars. And again... proving what shitty parents they are, trying to keep her away from her support system. I knew it sounded suspicious, it definitely didn't sound like something she'd ask for especially since her parents are most of the reason she went in there. They'll never admit to it, of course, and since mental illness runs hard in this family you can't entirely blame them, but they're responsible for the majority of it. Oh, but they blame me, and my parents. Apparently, we encourage her to be crazy. What the fuck does that even mean? I've told her that if she needs help, tell someone, don't do anything drastic. That's encouraging her, apparently. It's like they want to completely isolate her, it's borderline abusive especially given her mental state. It's insane to be the problem, and be so delusional that you don't see it. My dad is pissed at my brother for lying t0 him. I don't know why he's surprised. I guess it must be hard to admit that your child is garbage. I don't like having that opinion of my brother either, but it what it is. I did feel a small twinge of sympathy for though when I heard what our grandfather did to him. His wife recently went, and begged my grandparents for money. Not the first time. Theu tend to dig themselves into huge financial holes which people have to save them from, usually my parents, but they needed much more money for this hole because wifey decided she needed a new car they couldn't afford, and instead of taking it back they opted to make a deal with the devil. Trust me, you don't want to take money from my grandparents, even if you pay it back, it's not enough, it's never enough. Money is a they have, and while they have a lot of it, and are willing to lend it, you basically owe them your body, and soul from then on out. So they borrowed a pretty large sum a few months ago. And anyone who knows my brother, knows it's not a loan when he asks for money, you will not get it back. So my grandfather, waiting patiently these last few months, decides to drop in on my brother which is unheard of, they don't go to anyone's house, you have to go to them. But he drops in on my brother, knocks on the door, simply asks, "Where's my money," and when my brother tells him they'll start making payments in pay-day, he just leaves. Doesn't stick around to visit or see his great-grandchildren, no other words, just asks for his money and leaves. Ice cold. But I get it. They're trying to get away with not paying him back like they do with everyone else. That doesn't work for him. Does he need the money? Hell no. And it irks me because while yes, you need to pay your debts like you say you will, it's taking money away from his great-grandchildren. Although, what am I saying, they don't spend money on the kids anyway. Whenever they're here we take them out, buy them clothes and shoes because apparently my brother thought it was one and done buying them clothing when they were 5, you definitely don't need to buy kids shit as theu grow. Like my baby niece will come over in the Summer in snow boots because no other shoes fit her... You don't have $20 to buy her some sandals? Come on. And I enjoy taking the kids shopping, but that stuff should be extra, not everything they have. My sister-in-law gets butthurt, tries to say she offers to take them shopping, but they say no. First of all, you're fucking lying because they all love going shopping, if I offer they jump on it. And second, why do you have to "offer" to take them? You're the mom. Just go get them what they need. Being the mom, you should know what they need, their size, and all the bullshit they like. Just go get it if they need it. Oh, but she's mentally checked out of the marriage because of my brother's rampant cheating. That's not something to take out on your kids. Suck it up, bitch. Cheating is unfortunately normal, why do you think the divorce rate is so high? People don't know how to commit to anything anymore. And why commit when there's such easy access to nearly anyone? People treat each other like assets, like they're just replaceable, and it's one of the many things on this planet that makes me so tired.
Went to the doctor today. My labs are... Well, it's difficult to say because I had to be honest that I haven't been taking my meds like I'm supposed to. There's no point in lying about it. This body is just done. My blood, bones, skin and organs, all traitors, all turned against me. I'm nearing stage 5 renal failure which is about the time they intervene with dialysis. And I have no intention of going back on dialysis or getting another transplant. Even if I got a bright, shiny new kidney, the rest of my body is shot. There's no point. And while I appreciate the people who are willing to get tested to see if they're donor compatible, I can't allow anyone else to take that risk for me. I've already shortened my mother's life by taking her kidney, I'm not going to do that to anyone else. My mother refuses to hear it, of course. No one wants to talk about their child dying... But I don't want it to be shocking. I'm very sick. These last two years I've plunged downhill healthwise. I want everyone to take it in stride when it happens, I don't want anyone to be upset or sad. I'm tired. And I'm over this planet. I'm not suicidal or anything. Trust me, if I were going to kill myself, I wouldn't whine around telling everyone, and making them feel like shit about it, I'd just fucking do it. It's not that. It's just, I see the end, and I'm ok with that. I don't want to fight it. I know you're not supposed to go gentle into that good night, but after this life I've lived, a little gentleness would be welcome. And that's normal, believe it or not, for a lot of people who are presented with going through organ failure multiple times. Dialysis is a lot. A transplant is a lot. I'm so tired. I've tried to talk to my dad, and my oldest sister about it because they're gonna have to hold my mother together. I wish it would just happen, just suddenly cause then I wouldn't have to worry about it, it'd be out of my hands entirely. Yes, my body failing is out of my hands, but it's a choice to give up. It's not one I like making. I think my cat will take it harder than anyone xD His behavior completely changed after I spent so much time in the hospital, he's gotten extremely clingy even though my mom took really good care of him. In fact, I came home, and he was twice as fat as when I left xD So she took a little too good care of him, nearly let him emotionally eat himself into a coma. It makes me laugh when people tell me how young I am, how I could easily have another 20 years. What the fuck would I do with another 20 years? Sure, 20 more years on a prison planet. This is not my home. There's nothing here. I mean, I'd like to play Night Reign, that'd be cool, but I don't think the FromSoftware Switch 2 exclusive is gonna be worth sticking around for xD See, if they told me that Dark Souls 4 or Elden Ring 2 were in the works... that might be worth fighting for xD I know, it's probably not appropriate to joke about, but that's just my way. I don't want anyone to be sad, I don't want it to hurt anyone. I lived a life with many ups, and downs, but I was loved by many. I did my best.
Of course, my doctor changes his opinion every time he sees me so I'm not super immediately worried about it.
Some new Killstar~
I saw Too Fast is closing shop. Which is fine by me since years ago I declared I'd never shop from them again after they fucked up multiple orders I'd made. The problem with fast fashion is you'll never be able to sell cheaper than the likes of Temu or Shein, who can and do steal the designs of these brands. You're competing against entire factories that make things for pennies so they can charge 1/3 of your price, and still profit. It doesn't matter to most people whether these things are ethically sourced or manufactured if the price is right. No one asks questions if it's cheap enough. First it was Sourpuss, now it's Too Fast, I wonder if Killstar will ever go under?
I had a dream... about Wolfie and juggalos xD Which is about as opposite as two things can get. Juggalo Reddit frequently, for whatever reason, pops up in my feed so I see it a lot when I'm scrolling. I'm guessing it's because of the Joker. Which, btw, this popped up on my feed...
And... I don't even have the words xD
Oh, but hear him out. Because his reasoning for this... "It's the only way to traumatize Joker back into normalcy, and he'd stop being a criminal."
No... No, that's not how trauma works, bud. It's actually scary to me how stupid some people are, and that the rest of us are forced to interact with them. Got any other bright ideas? Like, hey, let's solve the world hunger crisis by going to the moon, and stealing all their cheese.
Anyway. My dream, yes. In my dream, I was back in high school, and I was walking to an assembly when I see Wolfie, and I think to myself, Imma go sit by Wolfie so I try waving him down. He sees me, and proceeds to then sit in-between two other people so... I can't sit by him. And I'm heartbroken. So, for whatever reason, I see this group of juggalos, and I sit down with them. And I tell them I'm not a juggalo xD Look... I have nothing against their subculture, or ICP themselves, they don't seem like bad people, I just don't care for their music, it doesn't click with me, the voice just doesn't do it for me which is sad because psychopathic axe murder clowns, totally my thing. But I ended up becoming friends with this group, and the dream fast-forwarded to a couple years later, and I'm standing in a room in the school, and Wolfie comes in with a camera because he's taking a picture of me for something, and while he's taking the picture I want to tell him how I feel about him... But then the changes, suddenly I'm in Japan, standing outside a shrine, and a little Samara-looking dead girl starts coming out of it, and I'm trying to run, but it's that slow-motion dream running... And when I finally get home, running all the way home from Japan, there's pizza in the oven... but it's burnt.
It's like all my trauma, fears, and disappointments attacking me in one dream xD Even pizza is coming after me.
I dream about Wolfie just about every night. Like a couple nights ago I had another dream where he had called me on video chat, and he was playing a game, and he was streaming which I could never imagine him doing, and he called me his, "Angelic bunny," and it woke me up when he said it. It doesn't take a therapist to tell you that I moss him, and want to talk to him. But I can't. So oh well. Three things I dream about most frequently: Wolfie, my cat, and my ex, unfortunately. In every single dream about my ex I'm always trying to get away from him xD But then in my dreams about Wolfie I desperately want his attention, and he's like, nah, you can't sit with us. But🥺
I don't know why I dream about my ex. I guess probably because it took many years, and ultimately lying about changing my phone number/blocking him everywhere many times over to get him to leave me alone. Years of that. I used to think his persistence meant something. The only thing it shows is that he's afraid to be alone. I'm not.
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