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00:21 Feb 09 2026
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I have my transplant evaluation tomorrow. Where they do all their tests to see if you're physically, and mentally able to handle such a huge thing. Obviously, I've already been through this almost 20 years ago so I know what I'm in for. I've been in the hospital 5 times this past year so physically... not so great. But that's natural when my kidney is failing, my body is failing, my immune system is being held down to the very brink trying to preserve what organ function I have, I get sick very easily. But the transplant team at the hospital has already told me I'm an excellent candidate because I'm still young, and I've taken very good care of this kidney despite having gone off my meds for five years. She's still holding in there pretty well. Going downhill, sure, but not fully plummeting.
It's the psyche evaluation that's going to be the real bitch. Not because I'm crazy or anything. I'm just honest.
I think it's very normal to have some level of all of these. Even without going through organ failure, look around the fucking world, if you're not somewhat anxious, depressed, and restless about what the fuck is happening out there... that's something much more wrong with you. So add on top of that going through major organ failure along with other chronic conditions, yeah, I ain't so completely 100% right in the mind. I think that's acceptable. It's the last question that's going to get me in trouble.
Do I think about harming myself? No.
Am I suicidal? No.
Do I want to die? No.
Do I think I'd be better off dead? Yes, I often do.
And again, given the circumstances, I think that's normal. Especially when you've been through a transplant already, you know the deal, you ask yourself... do I really wanna go through this again? Cause it's a lot. And I ain't as young as I was the last time. And I'm so fucking tired. And there's this huge part of me that just does not care about being here. I appreciate all the people who love me, and want me here. But then I also resent them because... I feel like a prisoner, forced to be here just so they don't have to go through the pain of me not being here despite the pain, and unrest this life brings me. And then what, I gotta stick around just to watch you die? That's not very fair. I'd rather be the first to go than last. And then there's Wolfie, and I in no way blame him for what I'm going through, I hope he's happy, I hope he's good, I hope he's living his life how he always wanted, but... obviously when he left it took a huge toll on me emotionally, mentally, and partially physically. Some things go straight past your heart, and cut your soul, it's like a chronic grief condition, years later, I'm still not over it, and I'm not gonna get over it, that's just honesty, that's just part of my mental fuck-upness. The physical aspect is almost laughable compared to everything else xD I mean, look... if they gave me a kidney tomorrow, I'm not gonna sabotage it. I'm not gonna waste it. I'd do everything in my power to take care of it. Because... that came from someone, dead or alive, that's a gift. But... I would rather that kidney go to someone with more care to live. I don't wanna say my life is meaningless, no life is meaningless, but I think it would be better off going to someone else, saving someone else. I'm ok to not be here. Some people desperately want to be here. Let them.
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