Filling in the Gap06:14 Aug 02 2012
Times Read: 443
Alright, as promised, I am filling in the gap with the journal entries I put somewhere else while I was neglecting my VR account. Here they are:
June 13, 2010
I. Am. So. Depressed.
June 14, 2010
Diary of Jay, Vol. 1...
That leaves one question that I need to ask myself. How high do I want the flames to go? How far do I want to take this? Should I really purify my life to bring back happiness, even if I never truly had it before? I'm a tortured poet, the best kind...But, some is self-inflicted...I knew what I was doing...All of it, when I became dependant on him to be there for me...And I let him become dependant on me...I wonder if he still has that yin/yang necklace...I still have mine...I keep ne
I wonder how ------ is...I hope he's doing better than I am...I bet his parents aren't as mad at me as I think they are...Oh well...I guess I'll never know...
I hate ----...I really hate him, and I'm probably using that word lightly, but I really do...He used ------, not like -----did, almost worse...He just used him once...And made it seem like they'd stay friends...But, he was lying...
June 14, 2010
Look into the mirror...Look into your soul...I am always with you~
Kali-Ma
Sandstorm...Look once, look twice...Three times...
June 15, 2010
I need to move on...I can't keep living like this...I need to move on with my life...I hope I can handle it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEVOVN24R08
June 15, 2010
I want to burn myself, cut myself, destroy myself...I need to remember I can feel...But, no...I shouldn't do that...Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. That word looks silly now...*sighz*...
I want to call ------ so bad, but I'm pretty sure his parents won't let me talk to him. I miss my best friend...I feel utterly and completely alone...I wonder what will happen on his birthday...If I haven't heard anything by then, I need to try and call. I've been keeping my distance since his parents repetitively pushed me away, and his dad tried to do some manipulating lying that made me second guess myself. But screw it all...His birthday I want to call...I hope I don't ruin everything...I wished his mom a happy birthday, along with the 200 other people that did. She personally thanked everyone...But me...I was skipped over...I think it was on purpose...It hurt...
----...I'm so hurt by him...After I lost contact with ------, I just tried to cling onto someone...Like a raft or whatever... "It's a crime, I let it happen to you, Nevermind, I let it happen to me..." I'm so stupid.
I love Sandstorm. It makes me laugh, but then I cry. Like with everything now. But I need to be strong. I have to be strong. Don't break. Don't break. Don't break. Nothing is quite real anymore. Only if you make it...
I can't move on. Why can't I? Why? Is something wrong with me? I'm stuck here. I can't move on. I try, honestly I do...But my thoughts are cloudy, my movements are blurred, and my vision is slurred. Am I going retarded? Or just insane? But I was already insane...Wasn't I? "Everywhere I look you're all I see,
Just a fading reminder of who I used to be..."
I need to get off my lazy depressedness and find a job...
June 15, 2010
Don't....It's a pretty word, now that I look at it again...
I'm almost sure they won't let me talk to him....His father apparently lied and said that I said all those things, and even though some were true, some weren't...I need to really ask myself...Did I? I need to think hard...Did I? His mother bothers me...She's so nice sometimes, but now...She's different...I kept denying when I looked through her page that she might've skipped me on purpose...I regret...remembering.
I've done a lot of thinking today after noon...What ---- did wasn't my fault...------ knew what he was getting into, but he wanted to cling to hopes he knew wouldn't happen...It's no one's fault...But, I'll still blame ----...I need to remember his phone number...He called the other day....but it got off the id...
Everything is real...Nothing isn't...Everything isn't...Nothing is...
June 15, 2010
Moving on isn't easier...It's only been twelve hours since my last entry, though...It feels so much more natural to type, instead of write...I don't think I'm going retarded...Maybe crazy, but everyone is, anyone...Literally, it's astounding how messed up people are when I stop and think...It'll be okay, if I hold on...But, I can't just be waiting...Hold on as in move on...Which is hard... I'll have to keep trying..."Come on and tell me! You'll make this all go away! You'll make this all go away! I just want something...I just want something...I can never have..."
Talking to ---- makes me feel better, and I think ------ is probably sneaking on the phone or something and talking to someone he trusts, knowing him...I think I parked beside them at Wal-Mart the other day...At least his mom, but he might've been there, I felt that weird sensy thing...
June 16, 2010
I still can't help but blame ----. Is it also because he took advantage of my depressed state? Is it because I feel like he used and dropped me as well, nearly the same way? I can't believe it was real. It bothers me to no end. Found his number. 8709184363 I wonder if I should call him. I don't think I should. But who knows...I may.
I don't think I'll ever be able to completely move on. All I seem to do is keep breaking more. And I think I'm becoming more heartless. Is it bad of me to try and lock up my emotions? Maybe that's what holding on and moving on are. Locking everything away. It seeps out sometimes though, multiple times every day, and I find I keep having to build more cement walls. I wonder when I'll hear from ------ again...I wonder who he would be talking to. I wonder if he was at Wal-Mart, if he saw me. I wonder if his mom saw me. I wonder what they all think of me now...Probably nothing nice...
I wonder if I should go back to my neuro doctors, or maybe a sleep clinic. My seizures have gotten so much worse. I wonder if I should be honest with them. I'm scared of the pills they'll give me, but maybe they'll help this time. I can't decide what to do...
June 17, 2010
Decided...Won't call ----. He's an idiot...
Locking up emotions... I think anyone in my situation would understand...It's okay, isn't it? I mean...Bottling it up is okay as long as you let it out in a healthy way...I bet ------ is talking to -------...They seemed to be getting really close...I doubt he talks to him for the right reasons though...
I've decided. Honesty is good. I'll do it. I'll get help...I do need it. ------ handled pills, and he said he's still on Prozac, so I can handle it...He's not stronger than I am, right? I think I'll research an inpatient facility...Med insurance would cover it...
I forgot who Dez' lover was in the game...I think I'm losing it...
June 17, 2010
The apple falls far from the tree...She's rotten and so beautiful...I'd like to keep her here with me...And tell her that she's beautiful...
June 17, 2010
I wonder how to let out the emotions in a healthy way. I've been going walking/running every night lately. Walking usually makes things worse, because I think more on everything, but when I run, I can go blank and think of nothing.
I can't find any med insurance, so my best bet is going to be trying to call UAMS and see if they'll let me come back for free. I'll just need to reapply for that discount program they have. I'm so scared of the pills...But I need to be strong.
I've been going to the Calion river a lot lately with ------ and some other people I can't remember. I'm getting braver on the swingy rope thing used to jump in. I've been doing it more and more. Today I messed up three times, slipped and landed in the more shallow water, rope burns, blah, blah... And it really didn't scare me so much. Is that strange? I'm thinking about going off the higher one, but for one I'm scared of heights, and for two, if I'm slipping off the shorter one early, then on the higher one I may break my legs on the ground if I can't hold on till I make it over the water. I talk about going off of the higher one, but I know I'm not nearly brave enough. Maybe after I'm stronger.
Was our friendship really so unhealthy? Was it really so wrong? Am I sick to think it was normal? FML
I think I'll go running now.
June 17, 2010
Back from my run, but depressed once again. ------ tried to cheer me up. Her txt "I'm Sorry. I know how that feels. I lost ------ once. I almost died. But baby. It'll be alright. He'll be older soon enough and he can make his own choices and y'all will be like it never happened. Member that I read to you bout true friends go years w/o talkin n when they c each other it's like a day hadn't passed? I know that's how it'll be. Perfect for everyone:) that and I love you...." She doesn't even know the half of it... She asked if I was alright, and I told her I was still depressed over losing my best friend. I really appreciate her trying to cheer me up though...It means a lot, it really does.
Apparently ---- has been trying to get ----- to get me to come hang out with her. Last I heard a few weeks ago, ---- hated me because I refused to buy her alcohol. I wonder if she honestly wants to hang out with me. I personally think it's because she thinks if she can get on my good side I'll smoke pot with her and buy her liquor, but either way, I'm not interested. She needs to get that through her head and go try to suck up/make friends with someone else. From what I hear from ----- she's a huge whorebag too. Is it bad to vent like this? Maybe I shouldn't call people names...
I think ----- has given up on trying to sleep with me. I'm happy about that. Problem is, there are two guys with crushes on me, and I'm not interested in them either. I don't want a relationship... Not so soon. Not now. And not with ----- or ----, ever.
June 17, 2010
Decision made. High swing, here I come...Eventually...Not afraid...Brave...
Meds will have to be taken...I just want to get better...
I'm not sick, I know that much...But, I don't think it was completely unhealthy, I mean, it wasn't sexual, or physical in any way...I would NEVER touch ------ or any kid like that...Now that I think about all the times we depended on each other for support on anything...It wasn't the healthiest, but it wasn't unhealthy...It was just a bit bi-codependent...If that's a medical term...If it isn't...Screw it.
------ is helping...I hope ------ has someone like her...I might talk to that ------- kid to see how he is...No, no...That'd be REALLY awkward, and ------'s dad might get angry if he found out...But, how could he?...Oh well, I still won't.
I heard a new thing on ---- today...Apparently, she slept with one of ------'s ex-girlfriends more than a few times...
---- keeps trying to talk to me every time I get on.....I think he might really, really like me...I just realized how little I know about him...That kind of scares me..
June 17, 2010
Talking to ---- and venting really does make me feel a little better. The only thing I worry about is that my dad doesn't want me talking to any minors, "just in case." ------ is still 17, and she won't even be 18 until September when she's gone away to college. I still can't believe my dad found out about this. Thanks to ------'s parents, and -----, making sure I couldn't work at the school...I really feel like I hate his parents sometimes...Most of the time. It must be horrible for him to have to deal with...I still haven't decided if I should call on ------'s birthday...I'm trying so hard to stay away and let things blow over...But I'd feel like a terrible friend if I didn't even call on his birthday...
I told ---- I didn't want a relationship, I also told ------. ----- seems broken hearted and depressive now. ---- seemed to blow it off like nothing, like he does with anything else. I want love, but they just...I just don't want it with them. I'll find someone someday I hope. Am I just too picky?
I have to be awake in three hours, so I'm going to try and sleep again. I need to remember to call UAMS sometime today also so I can start seeing some doctors.
June 17, 2010
----- informed me through txt today that ---- and ------- don't just wanna hang out with me to try and get me to buy them alcohol, but why would they admitt to it if it were true anyway? This morning when trying to sleep again, ---- txted me. I found it very strange, but whatever I guess.
June 17, 2010
Also, written reminder for self: UAMS is suppose to call me back. If I haven't heard from them by Monday, I'll be calling them again. I think I might give in and apply for a food industry job also, since I can't seem to get anything better to call me back.
June 18, 2010
I feel like something terrible happened with ------, like his father did something...Dreadful. I hope everything is alright, and no one does anything stupid...
I'm going to start writing ----'s texts down, so if he says anything illegal, I can use it...
"Something is wrong here...I don't belong here..."
June 19, 2010
I had a nice day today, kind of. Went swimming at a new place. Met a guy I think I like. I did things with him. Not sex...but things. I promised I'd never let a guy touch me again after Derick and the ---- thing...But I suppose I lied. I'm so confuzed, and not sure what to do. My life is so mixed up and I'm unsure if it's real anymore.
I hope the feeling I got about ------ isn't so dreadful...I wonder if it has to do with me or him or someone else...I don't care if it's me really...I just hope everything will work out for him. I feel like this all could really effect him negatively, and I worry about his well-being.
June 19, 2010
The txts with ---- so far hasn't been anything that's worth holding up legally. Just normal things, then leading to how he's "horny." But nothing that would stand up if I were to need such. Of course if something were to come up, I would log it for memory.
The new swimming place has a higher, yet safer rope swing. It took me awhile, but I went off it. I got blisters on my fingers from slipping off the rope, so after it got dark and I couldn't see, I just started jumping off the edge. I loved the thrill and release of it. I said I was sorry each time I jumped and...That sounds psycho, I knew I'd be fine, but it felt really good...
June 20, 2010
Realness...It's real...Everything is real, even if it's not real in our world, because if someone has thought it, "seen it..." It exists somewhere...This guy, I really, really like him...His name...Well, I'll tell you later...But, he's amazing...I'll give you a name next time I'm on...
I've decided that I shouldn't worry about ------ so much...He'll be fine. He's got his "logic" (as he would say) that he could use to make himself better in any situation...Still...
The sensation of falling is just like the sensation of being lost. It's freeing. It takes you from your level of comfort, and forces you into a new plane of existence...Falling in itself making you lower, and being lost making you be away from areas that you know, and can navigate...Both are commonly feared, both can the most beautiful feelings you can ever have...Ramble, sorry...
June 20, 2010
Kakiishi is going to be on AS...I HATE MAINSTREAM! I LIKED IT FIRST! NOT FAIRRRRRRR!!!!!!
June 20, 2010
I need to try to remember who Dez' boyfriend was...I know Kenipo was Haoneli's...
June 20, 2010
---------- ~ ----'s phone number...I might say "Hi", but I won't say anything he could quote me on...I don't want anymore friends...Well, just not him...More friends = Good, but ---- is...Yeah, he's wayyy too much like ------. Well, not really, but still...I don't need attachments like ------...They only hurt...I need a real, solid friendship...I may have to get mental help to find one, though... But, It'll be okay...
June 20, 2010
I sent the guy a friend request today. His name is Jaacobe Faulkner. I'm scared to get into a relationship with anyone really...I think I like him...But I'm scared. Maybe I should distance myself again.
I can't seem to remember who Dez' boyfriend was...It's really bothering me that I can't remember...
---- has been txting me some lately. I don't want anymore friends, but I've gotten really attached to ------, and a little so on ----- also. I think I've been with ------ nearly every day since ---- left back for Colorado. I really hope ------ doesn't forget about me though...I would feel extremely hurt. I don't want all of this to be the end of our friendship...
June 20, 2010
I need to vent and ramble a little...It's hot, and I have to wear my hair down, to hide the marks on my neck. I'm scared of a relationship with him. I like him. I do...It's just...I'm scared. Last night, there was lots of biting...There were a few times I...How to say it..."Went away" like I would do when Derick would have his way with me...I didn't mean to go numb and away, but it just...happened. Jaacobe would say something and I'd come back, but still...I feel bad about it.
Also, my mom asked me to wear something besides black today, when I was already wearing blue...And then she told me I looked pregnant...I better not be...What if I am? I don't wanna have to go back to Derick...I feel another mental breakdown coming on, so I need to fix myself now. If UAMS doesn't call me back today, I'm going to pester them to death tomorrow. I need help.
June 20, 2010
I accidently removed my last status last night because of my stupid phone...I wish I could remember what it was to repost it. WORK BRAIN WORK.
June 20, 2010
Distance...Not a substitute for moderation...Moderation is needed.
Still no rememberance on Dez' boyfriend...
I'm sure ------ won't forget about me...I bought a CD the other day to make absolutely sure that I won't forget him, either...
I don't need to mess around with Jaacobe until I'm sure I really like him, and we're committed...I'm scared. I don't want to be pregnant, especially not by him, though we haven't gone that far, I don't want to...I'm so scared and confused...
Mom looks pregnant. I'm not. I don't look like I am. Maybe I shouldn't be so mean to say that much, though...Though, I don't think I am...And I haven't been...Doing that thing I have to do before I can even GET pregnant....
I'm going to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I am. I will. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon...Maybe not next year...Just soon....I'm going crazy...Meds don't help...I feel alone sometimes, but I'm not, and I know I'm not...I have this journal, and it makes me feel like I'm talking to someone who cares, so that's good...Thank you, journal.
June 21, 2010
I think I'll become one of those people...Ah...What is it called again? Where you don't have sex? Yeah...Well, one of those people... Even though I haven't had sex in...Well, I can't remember how long it's been, but it's been a lonnng time, I'm pretty sure...I think it bugs me sometimes because my mom talks about how she didn't know she was pregnant until a few months before I was born.
I think I'm scared of the male population. Sexually at least...Maybe that's why I'm scared to get close? Or maybe I'm just not ready to get close to anyone else in general. But I've gotten closer to ------ and -----, so maybe that isn't it...
I don't remember if I wrote about this yet or not, so in case I didn't, I'm doing so now. -----'s dad has stated that I am a "cheating, theiving whore" and if I were to "live in a big city, [I] would be out on the streets" whoring myself out to make money. Reminder: Write him a respectful letter for Becca to deliver, explaining how hurt I am by his words, how I didn't deserve them, and ask why he would think such things of me. He doesn't even know me...
I'd like to write ------'s parents a long letter as well, but I figure I should wait until things blow over, if they will, if I'm still here, if I could get it to them. Maybe I could mail it, I wonder who checks their mail...I think if his dad were to get it, he would be very likely to hide it from his mom. But that will be a long while from now I suppose...
June 21, 2010
Blue October - Jump Rope (Lyrics)
www.youtube.com
Very catchy song during a sleep deprived state, haha...
June 21, 2010
Asexual...That's the word...
I don't know why -----'s dad said those things...Maybe she said something stupid...
Eh, no letter...
June 21, 2010
I'm feeling depressed again. Just sayin.
June 22, 2010
Still depressed...
June 22, 2010
And feeling lonely...
June 22, 2010
Going to swim today. When I get there I'm going straight for the jump. It's strange...I've found new friends, but they don't seem to ever make me feel less alone...
UAMS! I forgot to call yesterday. I'll call now, before I forget again. I did manage to go to the Health Unit place today though. Appointment next week on Wed. They're gonna poke me with needles. I hate needles...
June 22, 2010
They're going to send me another form to fill out in the mail. Haha, while I was on the phone with the guy there (from UAMS), I missed a call. Checked my voicemail, and it was a woman from UAMS finally calling me back from the neurology clinic. How...Unexpectedly interesting?
June 23, 2010
I'm going to play a stress relieving game...Think of mean things to say to -------, then realize that they're too mean...
1. "You're a manipulative stupid whore-bitch that tried to make me your slave because you're messed in the head. I know it isn't your fault that your daddy has problems, but you shouldn't make everyone else crazy with you."
June 23, 2010
Me
So super sprode...
1:19amKristal
Hey
and what?
1:19amMe
The cutest fans by far...
1:19amKristal
???
1:20amMe
...
The kids are so young, all over the world, they wanna have fun.
Anyway...I heard that ------'s ex got arrested...What happened?
Did ---- get arrested, too?
Are you two still together?
1:22amKristal
....Less talk more rokk!
Me
How long did it take you to google that?
Kristal
Tenisu no boifrendo!
Totemo ii desu yo!
there was someone here who knew Freezepop
1:23amMe
Mm?
June 23, 2010
Is there someone that knows the answers to my questions?
1:23amKristal
that depends on who you are talking about.
1:24amMe
...?
Which who?
Kristal
what are your questions?
Kristal
----- DID get arrested because somehow his parents found out about them.
1:26amMe
Whose parents?
June 23, 2010
1:27amMe
Ahhh
1:27amKristal
and ---- left me after my mom cut off all connections w him.
and he got back with his ex, ---.
1:27amMe
Again?
1:27amKristal
but they're broke up again, so I might be able to try again.
yeah...
1:27amMe
ahhh
1:27amKristal
they're just NOT made for each other.
June 23, 2010
"The chimpanzee fled from the scene."
June 23, 2010
---- txted again today. He said ------- likes to find peoples' weakness and use it against them. And he told me about how a girl he knew got used for sex by him when her grandma died. Now I worry.
On a lighter note, I may be getting hired at Little's~
I feel lost at the moment.
June 24, 2010
I'm going swimming today~ I really hope I'm back before too late. They're all probably gonna want to drink, but Jaacobe said he would help me make sure I don't. I'm so hungry...I may slip up and grab some food when out of the house. I hope I don't...Oh! I got my UAMS forms in the mail today to fill out. I'm gonna need my dad to help me with 'em though...
June 26, 2010
Ah, depressive again...And eating food again. Gonna try and not eat anymore for the rest of the day, and hopefully not tomorrow, but that's probably a lie. I'm going out again tonight. Lots of us are planning on camping out at the creek. Tomorrow night I want to stay home though, maybe even the whole week...Crap, can't. Well, definately tomorrow night I'll stay home. I need to slow down. Just hard to do though, cause when I do slow down, I end up getting depressed again. I need another night of blessed communication...I wonder if I'll get lucky. I hope so...
June 26, 2010
Stevie
when am i going to get my dam presents from u and sam
5:27pmMe
I'm not sure.
5:28pmStevie
well im begining to not like yall becouse of it
Me
Well, that's your problem, isn't it? You have no right to not like us because of it. We got you some presents, and for that you should like us. Just because we're having trouble getting the presents to you doesn't mean you have a right to not like us because of it, especially when we SPENT OUR MONEY TO GET YOU SOMETHING NICE. So don't hate. Learn to appreciate. We'll get them to you when we can, but if you choose to be unkind about it, then you won't get any presents at all. I'll keep them for myself.
5:33pmMe
Do you understand?
Stevie
um well sam alwas lieing about so i dont think im getting it and for one u were always nice to me and ive realy hade a lot of people treat me like shit and the way your talking to me is making me cry i have a caring and tender heart and for one fuck think bitch u AINT MY PARENT TO TALKE TO ME LIKE THAT
5:43pmMe
You're the one that said you were beginning not to like us. That hurt my feelings, and I tried to let you know in a nice way. And it doesn't matter if I'm your parent or not, the way I talk to you is going to let you know I'm offended by what you said. You say you have a caring and tender heart, then why do you cuss at me? I'm not being mean to you, I'm being honest with you. You need to reevaluate your words and your actions.
Stevie
LIES LIES MMM ----- YOU THE THAT NEED TO THAT JNOT ME AND AN YOU NEEN TO BACK OFF YOU MENTAL DISORDER PERSON
5:47pmMe
Lies? What lies? That's funny...You're calling me a mental disorder person to offend me? Don't you have some kind of mental disorder yourself?
Stevie
NOPE
CALL ME WELL TALKE IT OVER TO MUCXH TO TYPE -------
Me
I'll try to call you tomorrow then I guess. If I remember. I have plans today, and I need to finish getting ready to leave.
Stevie
NO NOW
5:51pmMe
You can't make me. I told you. I'm busy. If you aren't okay with waiting until tomorrow, then I just won't call you at all.
June 28, 2010
Buddy
how r u
11:40amMe
^___^ I was just thinking about you yesterday.
11:40amBuddy
hows your reading material
i think about you a lot
11:41amMe
Really, really boring, actually.
11:41amBuddy
i guess you dont have a phone
11:42amMe
It's dead right now...
11:42amBuddy
i have more recommendations
i c
11:42amMe
I'm listening. ^__^
11:43amBuddy
anne bishop and the dark jewels trilogy
11:44amMe
Sounds sexy...
How are you?
11:45amBuddy
kinda but twisted also
im good
off all week
11:46amMe
Ahhhh, okay.
Where do you work, again?
11:47amBuddy
hell
11:47amMe
Waffle House?
11:47amBuddy
yep
June 28, 2010
So, Saturday night was spent camping out at the creek. I woke up sunburned. I was going to take my truck so I could come home when I wanted (yesterday), but it started overheating again (and I JUST got it out of the shop a few days before). So, had to leave it at ------'s, rode with her, stayed at her house last night since the truck fixing place is only a few blocks down from her house, got me truck fixed again today, and now I'm HOME. I'm definately staying home tonight. If I do go anywhere, it'll just be to the track around 9 or so to run more than likely. Tomorrow I'm going up to Arkadel to meet up with some people to go watch the premier (is that what it's called?) of the Twilight movie that night, then driving back to El Do at an ungodly time in the morning so I can make it to my appointment at the Health Unit around 8am.
Now ------- likes me, and another guy...I think I'm an attention whore. Or something like that...I like these guys liking me, but...After I get home, I wish they didn't. I just want to hide away again really. I'm seriously thinking about it...I keep having horrible nightmares and episodes. Saturday, before my truck started acting up, it felt like I got burned below my chin, then on my hand, then my arm, and my arm went numb, my heart started pounding, and my head went tingling. I freaked out and pulled over on the side of the road really quick around Chemtura and had ----- drive.
Last night, I freaked out, and I think I freaked out ------...I heard so many voices all at one time. It's like they were all fighting to be heard and kept getting louder, and I even heard a dog barking mixed in with all the voices. Then about an hour later, I was frozen and heard a male voice, but I don't remember what he said. Then about 30 minutes after that, I was frozen again and heard a guy whispering, creepily..."If they haven't took it out, I'll take it out. Take it out - Take it out - Take it out!" Like he was talking about something that was in my brain that needed to be taken out...There was more, but those seem like the major things I could remember...
June 28, 2010
I don't know what to do with my life anymore.
June 28, 2010
For when I get on my computer (not on my dad's): http://www.emuparadise.org/playonline.php
June 30, 2010
Let's see if my memory is working right at the moment. Monday night midnightish (maybe I should say Tuesday morning), I hung out with Jaacobe, just him and me. I felt so awkward and shy...I think I made a fool of myself. He's good at reading people apparently. He found out so much about me just from observing me. It intrigued me. Lots. We went to Wal-Mart and picked up stuff to make pizza with, cause he's s'pose to make me pizza from scratch either today or tomorrow; hopefully tomorrow cause Jones just called me. He's in town and going back to Arkadel tomorrow, so he wants to hang out tonight. Anyway, back to Jaacobe...After Wal-Mart, we went to Huddle House and ate. We spent forever at Wal-Mart and Huddle House apparently, cause I didn't get him back home 'till 5am. I just hope he doesn't think I'm too boring since I must be easy to read and figure out...
Last night I saw the new Twilight movie, that was pretty fun. Chris invited me, and I got to see ------ (she's so hard to get in touch with or ever hang out with.) And now I'm running on very little sleep, ready to go to bed, but my appointment at the Heath place is at 8:15 I think, so after that, I'll get a nap or something~
June 30, 2010
I didn't get out of that Health Unit until around noon. I skipped the blood test cause I got too scared. They poked me with needles and sharp things. I had to get a pap smear and breast exam (was creepy...). It was a woman who did it... Is it weird that my usual gynochologist is a man? Ah, oh well...
I got about a five hour amount of sleep, then went and hung out with Jones while he was in town today. It was nice seeing him. We ate Oriental Gardens, and walked around the square. He says that everyone at Waffle House knows about the miscarriage Sonja had!
July 1, 2010
申し訳ありません
July 1, 2010
Note to self: Don't forget about watching Pandora Hearts.
I had a strange dream last night...It was colorful, but a nice break from my nightmares and seizure dreams...
I finally watched that kid's show that Sarah liked so much this morning...It was really...Really. Wow wow wow everybody! Still sweet and cute though. I wonder if ------ still has those episodes on disc...
I've started listening to Plumb...Their songs are really cool, surprised they're a Christian band...But, then again, there's Demon Hunter, too.
Here's a short poem I wrote...
Never give up
Never forget
Never alone.
July 1, 2010
I've made a decision. I can't do this by myself, and I can't do it surrounded by pieces of who I'm supposed to be...I have to intergrate. Even if the other pieces, who are people, and deserve respect...Protest. I still need to do it. It's really hard being split, and mental healing is nearly impossible...
July 1, 2010
I think I might go outside and play with Bella and Hershey later...
July 1, 2010
I put that poem in my phone drafts, so I can always look at it to keep me going on. I'm still having trouble intergrating...Maybe UAMS will give me some pills to help...
Another part in the dream, there was ----, trying to mess everything up...
While I was outside playing with Bella and Hershey, I spent a little time looking for the movie Fight Club, cause I promised James if I found it, he could have it. I'm getting ready now to head to the creek (gonna pick up James and Jaacobe.) Cierra is gonna pick up Becca, Erin, and Jessica. First time I'll really be around those two...Doubt I'll talk to them much, just because...
July 2, 2010
"Just give me one more medicated peaceful moment..."
July 2, 2010
Am I terrible for not keeping my mouth shut?
5:26pmTwiZted Chris
hows everyone doing down there
5:26pmMe
Well, I know I'm doing wonderfully; as for everyone else, we don't talk very much, so I'm not too sure~ How have things been up there?
5:30pmTwiZted
she's part me butabout the same as always...i had suspicions but no one has ever told me. I didnt think that the lifeforbidden would work....its fun for one or two nites but.....wwell, Im sorry if my daughter is the reason....she's part me but I guess she's also part her bio mom...damn
5:32pmMe
Ah, I don't blame your daughter completely, we're still on okayish terms. I mostly blame Derick, because he's done this to me before with other girls before her; I just finally decided to leave. I can't live like that my whole life.
5:33pmTwiZted
ok, ive got other suspicions too...im gonna ask u....shit nevermind...i dont wanna know
5:34pmMe
Ask anything you want, if you decide you do wanna know... Just if you hear it from me, I'd prefer you not let anyone know you heard it from me.
You know they're living in Louisiana, right?
5:36pmTwiZted
i told her i wasnt ready to be a grandpa....now that u all moved I dont see her on a weekly basis
5:37pmMe
Well, I will say you came close to being a grandpa, while we were still in Arkadel, but complications arose, and it didn't happen.
5:39pmTwiZted
ok enough info for now...glad u are doing well, and yeah i know shes there..selling dogs or something
5:40pmMe
Yupp yupp~
TwiZted
well talk at u later...ps waffle still sux and its always interesting to see who hate everyone there...lol...the same as it was b4 u left
5:42pmMe
Haha, always interesting; Talk to ya later~
July 2, 2010
I feel sick. And depressed. Will these feelings ever end? They still run strong. And I'm still afraid.
July 2, 2010
So.. I'm beginning to feel vindictive, hateful, angry.. Towards a few of the people I've been newly (since I came back to El Do) hanging out with. I don't think I'm wrong. I need to keep my emotions shut though, so I don't lose what I've gained since coming back. I've lost so much already, and I don't want to be the cause of losing more, no matter how bitchy I feel.
On kind of a side-ish note, but kindof not, Cierra told me that Jaacobe thinks I like Brandon, which I don't. Something about txt messages I don't remember saying some things (which I don't remember.) The only txt I can remember was when Brandon txted and asked me who I would date in the room we were in. I replied "Jaacobe, Cierra (but she's my friend), Becca (but she's my friend), and maybe possibly you." or something close to that. The next day Brandon txts and asks if I miss him. I told him I didn't want to sound mean, but not really. I like Jaacobe, but I can't get myself brave enough to talk to him very well or much at all really in person. FML
July 3, 2010
Just got back from Jaacobe's. I had a nice time. We watched lotsa youtube videos. I must remember some of them: Psycho Girlfriend (buncha episodes), I Kill People, and Show Me Your Genitals. Guess I should go get a little sleep soon (not sure how soon, considering I'm gonna start reading some more Bleach manga, and it's hard to stop when I start.)
July 3, 2010
I like:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5uD6Rm-IdU
July 5, 2010
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zj4nDRx4i0E&feature=related
July 5, 2010
I want to call and wish him a happy birthday, but I don't want to cause more trouble. I never got to give him his birthday presents... I'm still so depressive. UAMS needs to hurry up and give me an appointment date. I really, really need some help...
July 5, 2010
I think ------ got mad at me earlier because I kept making excuses to not hang out today. I just wanted to be home, alone, today. Just today. I may go out later tonight, but I seriously doubt that also. I start helping my dad at the school tomorrow, and we have to leave early to go to a funeral.
The fun fact sign at the vet today said grapes are toxic to dogs. Grapes, really? Who woulda thought?
July 5, 2010
I need to intergrate. RRR.
July 6, 2010
----- keeps telling me ------- and ---- hate me because she's spending more time with me than them. It upsets me so much when someone hates me when they don't even know me. Especially when they spread things around that aren't true about me. They're evilness towards me makes me feel hateful in return. I may soon grow to hate them.
July 7, 2010
I get to work with my dad again today; I actually really enjoyed it yesterday, so I hope today goes just as well.
Today Jaacobe finishes the homemade pizza he said he'd make for me! It takes 24hours+ to make~
July 9, 2010
I did well last night. Everyone left the creek to go to ---------'s to drink. I left the creek and went home (gave ----- a ride home too.)
I'm currently talking to ------- (well not anymore, cause Facebook sucks and is screwing with mah chat.) It's blah, but interesting. I'm gonna try to copy paste the convo if it'll stop screwing up.
July 9, 2010
Oh, yeah, the pizza Jaacobe made was absolutely amazingly yummyful! Best pizza EVER.
July 10, 2010
I'm going to an Epilepsy Support Group meeting on Tuesday with my mom (which happens to be the same day as my 3 year anniversary with Derick; I'm not calling him. I wonder if he'll remember. Not that it matters anymore..)
Jaacobe's gonna make me a Shillelagh~
I angered the phone gods again somehow, cause last night me phone went kersplash in a cup o' cola, but ohhhh wellllllll I suppose.
July 11, 2010
I just remembered, I haven't finished my letter I was writing back to this chick on lezzbook. If I don't go anywhere today, I'll work on that then send it off. Then I may work on the letter I'm going to write to ------'s dad.
I miss Jaacobe. He likes to keep secrets. He says noone will ever find out about them. Makes me want to know so bad what they are...But then I guess it gives me leverage to keep my own secrets then, right? I hope I'm not getting obsessive over him. I'm trying so hard not to, and we both told eachother we want to take things really slow. I just hope I don't end up too clingy, and drive him away from me...
July 11, 2010
- I smile. I cry. I disassemble. I pull myself together, rearranged, yet forever falling just short of complete. But, I can only play the hand that I've been dealt. I roll with the blows I'm thrown. I am blood and I am flesh. I'm nothing more and nothing less. -
July 12, 2010
I'm so excited I have a job interview at Home Depot tomorrow!!!
July 13, 2010
The lab people were gone, so I have to go back to SAMA in the morning to have me drug test done, and I'm HIRED! YAY!!!
In about an hour I have that Epilepsy Support Group meeting to go to. I'm glad my mom is going with me so I don't feel so out of place not knowing anyone..
July 13, 2010
Be nice Be nice Be nice Don't tell her to die Be nice Be nice KI Be nice
July 16, 2010
My thingy for today says:
Listen to your inner self today. It is telling you that despite any upsets you may have suffered recently, things are much better than they seem. Sometimes a little drama and passion is needed to ignite fires under people who have been stagnant for a time.
------ ran over my foot at Wal-Mart the other day, hahaha. Ah, so much to say, so lazy and don't feel like typing.. And I'm still so sleepy, but ------ wants me to come over and help her pick out what clothes she's gonna take with her to college. *sighz* I need some down time. I suppose I'll get that after she takes off though.
I'll write more when I get a chance. I want to log my life, and make it a habit, so I'll remember better.
July 17, 2010
Diary of Jay, Vol. 2...
The family is down today, I think we're gonna go eat Ryan's~
I woke up this morning, and the first thing I said was, "Who wrote 'I lost the game' on my arm?!" Then realized...There was more stuff all on me! Jaacobe and Taylor wrote on me while I was asleep!! I have "OWNED!" on the other arm, "BECCA WAS HERE!" on my leg, and on my other leg is a penis, a smilie face, and "While you were asleep!" Oh, and some cute smiliez on mah fingers. OH! And the major one... A HUGE SPONGE BOB ON MAH TUMMY! I need to NOT be a heavy sleeper.. Poor Becca, gets blamed for everything, haha~
July 19, 2010
You just need a double rainbow.
Video #1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI&annotation_id=annotation_65977&feature=iv
Video #2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX0D4oZwCsA
July 20, 2010
Anyway, I'm gonna try and catch up a little bit, since I haven't been writing as much as I'd like to. A few weeks or so ago, Cierra, Becca, Jaacobe, and I were walking at the track, and a puppy was following us. We ended up meeting the momma dog too, and Jaacobe was gonna take 'em both home, but right when we were going to take 'em, momma dog got ran over. But he took the puppy home, and puppy is so cute.
Soooo, two nights ago, Cierra, Becca, Jaacobe, Jonathan, Jordan, and I went to the school to swing n' stuff. After Cierra, Jonathan, and Jordan left, Becca, Jaacobe, and I walked through the trail to her house, cause we were gonna ride with her to go pick up Tyler. Two kittens ran up her driveway, and they ARE ADORABLE!!! I wanted to take them home soooooo bad!! But mah parents said no. So Jaacobe took them home too. Brenda is gonna murder him if he brings anymore animals home. She told him he couldn't come back to Parkers Chapel if he keeps bringing animals home, haha. He has to find them a home though, can't keep 'em. I wish I could keep them. They were abused, it's so sad...
Alyce is getting spade at 8am at the fairgrounds. Derick and Sonja are going to come take her away in the next few days. I'm so upset.
Cierra, Becca, and Jaacobe said they'd help me Thursday night go through everything in the shed to separate my stuff from Derick and Sonja's.
July 21, 2010
Do I clean, or do I nap? Do I clean, or do I nap? I should clean, but I wanna nap. Should clean. Should clean. Gonna nap. Clean later. Maybe.
July 21, 2010
Cleaning! Go me! But, while stalking Jaacobe's youtube favorites:
https://www.youtube.com/user/GreySativa#p/f/49/I51ZoBk9NTM
July 22, 2010
Today is stress, stress, stress, FML.
July 23, 2010
Last night went really well! Derick, Sonja, and Jared got pretty much all of their stuff, so shed es clear! Walter brought a huge moving truck, haha. Hope they had fun unloading it all too. My friends were there to support me too. I had Cierra, Becca, Jaacobe, and Jordan there for support, and I felt strong. Well, at first I felt like having a panic attack, but as it went on, I felt stronger, and I think things went really well. Jaacobe stayed the night too, we feel asleep watching Big Daddy while laying on the living room floor~ We're getting closer, well, it seems like it to me, and I'm so happy...I like him alot...Oh! Last night Walter told my mom that he had to get on to Sonja and I for kissing in front of Devin, which is A LIE. But whatever...Now my mom keeps calling me "gg" (gay girl). Oh, wellz, 'tis just a lil' awkward. As long as she doesn't tell dad, then I should be fine...
I think we're all gonna go camp out at the creek tonight. I love swimming out there at night~ I really wanna nap though, so I'm gonna try and nap now, and then have a shower when I wake up.
July 24, 2010
I MISS JAACOBE
July 25, 2010
About to go to Wal-Mart and Home Depot with mah dad~
July 30, 2010
So, I've pretty much been with Jaacobe 24/7. Mostly staying the night at his house, but last night, he stayed at mine. He's still in my bed right now, and I just told my parents. They took it very well. Akasha pretty much declared us "a thing" so we're "a thing" now. I hope this keeps going wonderfully. I hope he doesn't get sick of me.... I hope I don't get too annoying or clingy.....
July 30, 2010
Oh, yeah..... And it's time for a change. For mah hair. Not cutting it. BUT. 'Tis a large change, and I iz are excited about it.
August 2, 2010
Friday we went to Pine Bluff to get a chinchilla. When we got back into El Do, it died.. It was a mutant chinchilla too, but still so cute! Saturday night/Sunday morning, James' cat, Midnight, died. It is suspected that she got ahold of some drugs that someone dropped, or someone may have given her drugs. We went to Calion river yesterday. I didn't really wanna go, but Cierra needed me to, and I ended up having a good time anyway, soooo...... ^^
August 4, 2010
I've basically been living at his house, I swear. I don't like being away from him.......
August 5, 2010
I saw ------ today. Wish I could have talked to him. Or at least had a hug. I thought I was doing better, but now it feels like I have to start all over again at getting better, and I don't know if I can. I'm going to take a nap. Wake up, work on laptop, shower, then go to Jaacobe's.
August 5, 2010
Maybe stab myself a few times in between it all.
Not really.
*shatterz* instead.
August 11, 2010
Haha! Nice ~
August 13, 2010
I saw his mother the day after I saw him. Not sure if she recognized me cause my hair was partially down (only my bangs were done so far), though... I'm sure she did recognize me. That night I had a dream. Can't remember much of it, but I was around the high school office, saw ------, his mom came out of the office, and started dragging him away down the hall, but he was acting like he was scared of me too. My feelings were hurt really bad... I ran out of the school, and heard sirens, so I tried to hide. Next thing I remember was helicopters and lots of ambulances, but no police. And I think I saw a ----.
I'm about to go work my last day at the school. Then I get tah see Jaacobe.
August 21, 2010
I don't have a day off from Home Depot until next Saturday.
I haven't had time to get on here in forever, and won't for awhile. I'm falling so behind! Things are still going wonderfully with Jaacobe~
August 27, 2010
I got mah first paycheck Thrusday! Jaacobe and I are going to eat at Olive Garden today and go to the mall~ I iz are excited!
September 2, 2010
I heard Sonja was pregnent again.
Home Depot is murdering me... I'll live though, I hope.
September 8, 2010
Sonja is pregnant. Derick called me last night, I had to ask him to find out for sure though. I don't think he would have ever told me if I didn't ask. She's 10+ weeks along. He said he was probably gonna send her back up around Arkadelphia to move back in with her grandparents.
September 17, 2010
I'm having a hard time thinking of a name for mah new character. She's a catfolk druid. Mah other character Linaya died... She was a druid pixie.. I'm not even gonna go on that story..... I es at James's right now. He, I, Kurt, and Bear are about to play D&D. I probably won't get too much sleep. Oh, wellz. I gots work at 2pm till 8. Gonna do mah bestest to try and get off work on Thursday so Jaacobe and I can go to the fair.
September 18, 2010
Chili Friyah tis may character's name~
Also, Kelly's gonna work for me Thursday so Yayyyy!!!
September 23, 2010
Whoo, had minor panic for a few days. Cleared out my yahoo.com e-mail cause Derick keeps trying to hack into it; closed the account everything, then realized needed the e-mail to log into facebook! Problem solved though. Just changed up my secret questions n' such~ Password for the e-mail is the same as facebook password, just without the 2 on the end~
October 2, 2010
Sooooo, went to Musicfest, going again tonight. I has family stuff to do first. Gotta vaccum this morning to. I'mah get no good sleep. Annnnd, I'm a horrible employee. I'm having serious jealous issues that I need to work out. I'm not sure how though.... It's been putting me in this depressive mood lately. I'm just feeling threatened and possessive. I wish I didn't. I dunno. I'm just getting so attached to Jaacobe, and soon he's just going to get sick of me. I'm so scared of that..... I don't know what to do. Damn it, damn it, damn it!
October 8, 2010
i dont feel good
October 8, 2010
---- requested to be mah friend on facebook, after alllll this time. I went ahead and accepted, for nosy purposes. I have plenty of people added for that reason anyway, people I don't like n' all.
October 8, 2010
I want my other alters back.... Them or my best friend.... I need someone to talk to.
October 8, 2010
(continued) and wandering thoughts. I blame myself. I wish I could be better. I wish I could be better for Jaacobe. I really miss my best friend. I wish I had him to talk to. I want my old alters back.... No, I don't. That wouldn't be good. I need my best friend back. I need him and can't have him, and it just isn't fair. I want Jaacobe to love me. More than her. Is that even possible?
October 9, 2010
I keep having dreams about my best friend. Still. Last night was nice-ish though. Not really gonna explain it much, cause I forgot alot, but we were just having fun as friends, and it was really nice. We were goofing off and my mom thought we were being beyond silly. We laughed so much~
October 9, 2010
know, when I think about it, I'm sure he's found a new best friend by now..... I just hope I don't ever become forgotten.
Not to long ago, Jaacobe n' I went through mah facebook photos and deleted all the wedding albums and pictures with Derick in them~ I'm glad it's been done.
October 9, 2010
Guess I'm just in an update journal mood.... I has mobile web on mah phone now~ That's what I'm using currently. Only owe mah dad $10 a month for it!
Jaacobe's granny makes the most awesome cakes n' sweets. ^^
Oh, and Natashia (girl I work with) and I were talking today about how good we has it cause our boyfriends do the cooking and are super awesome at it. Everyone else at work always complains about how they have to go home and cook, haha~
Few days ago mah papa had to go to the hospital. He couldn't pee and was having breathing problems. His bladder was full, and he was in such pain. I was scared he was gonna die.... He is 96.... He's okay now though. Oh, last weekend was his bday party, and Jaacobe got to be there, and he met mah family. So the family officially knows no more Derick~
October 11, 2010
of Jay, Vol. 3...
Cleaned out mah truck today and made a HUGE difference. I still haven't slept and have to be up in two hours to get ready for and go to work....
October 11, 2010
Aparently I'm the only cashier that didn't call in sick today. It's kinda good I guess cause now I don't have to work self-check out (which I hate) cause I was needed on a register. Bad thing though is that my lunch break may be held off or not given at all.
October 14, 2010
Hahahahhaa. Explain later.
October 18, 2010
Still trying to fix my jealousy issues. Sometimes I think I'm doing better, but sometimes it feels so much worse.... I wonder if I give in to wanting to cry next time it gets bad if it'll get better? Maybe I just need to let myself cry instead of holding it in and blocking it out. I just don't want Jaacobe to see me cry, especially not over my jealousy. I don't want him to think less of me....
October 25, 2010
My heart.... Stopped.
But still.... Thank you.
October 27, 2010
I wish we could still talk like we did before. But.... We will talk again. We have to. He promised me. When they no longer have a say so over what he can and can't do, we'll talk again. He wouldn't break the promise he made to me those so many long months and months ago, would he? And he wouldn't DARE go and do something like die, would he? He wouldn't hurt me like that.... Surely not.... I really hope not. I don't know what I'd do....
October 28, 2010
Need to stay okay.
November 3, 2010
I keep having moments where I wanna tell Jaacobe "I love you," but I keep stopping myself. I don't know why I stop myself. I'm just so scared to love anyone really, but it isn't something you can really control now is it? My head just keeps spinning....
November 4, 2010
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November 8, 2010
:((
November 8, 2010
spinny spinny scared kaboom
Jaacobe and I will be making a trip to Arkadel and Hot Springs this weekend. I can't wait.... I need a break from Home Depot. I'll put more details here later. If not before the trip, then after for sure.
November 20, 2010
feeling depressed
November 20, 2010
I hate her.
Wish I could have skipped today in life.
Hate my emotions.
Hate them.
November 27, 2010
I could just kill them all..... Smear their blood on the wall after. Make pretty hearts and flowers. Wouldn't that be nice?
December 3, 2010
Yayyy! Today Derick actually met me at the courthouse and signed papers with me to get the divorce going! I used most of my paycheck to pay for it, but it'll be worth it if this divorce goes through and I get my maiden name back. My grounds for divorce es adultry, so yeah.... Sonja's pregnancy is coming along pretty well I hear. Oh, haha, Derick's liscence got suspended n he gots fines and drug classes cause he got busted for pot, hahahahahaaaaa! I gotta send off a letter I typed up to the judge tomorrow morning so that he can get us a court date to finalize the divorce. Also, Jaacobe n' I are going to eat Larry's Pizza with my parents' tomorrow, to celebrate my mom's birthday~ I'm attempting a new list of things to do before I die. It's not the most amazing list really. All I have on it so far is stuff like marry someone I love whom loves me as well, who won't cheat on me or lie to me, raise a family (have a kid, maybe two, but at least one,) and write letters to a few certain peoples about my feelings towards them and their actions. Some of those people may include a phone call or a surprize visit. This one guy's parents for certain, but that won't be done till another 3ish years or so. Anywayz, been pretty happy the past few days. Jaacobe's been giving me lotsa attention and it feels really good. I still just wanna say "I love you," but it's hard to get the words out; much easier to think loudly while staring in his eyes. I still have that negative voice in the bad of my head that tells me I'm going to get hurt, and it depresses me at times. I wish I could block it out completely, but when I try the other voices tend to pop out more, and it gets hard to stay..... The same? I dunnno, hard to explain. I just crazy I guess. Anyway.... More later.
December 6, 2010
I plan on attending the Band and Chior concert. My mom and Jaacobe will be attending with me.
December 9, 2010
Band/Chior concert update: my mom will not be going. Just Jaacobe and I.
December 9, 2010
God Damn it all. No concert during the evening. What the fuck. I'm very unhappy right now. I'm going to go shoot things. Hopefully kill things.
December 15, 2010
Post Office.
December 20, 2010
I'm so pissed at myself. Why couldn't I move? I just want a hug, and now I feel so retarded wandering around the store just hoping to see him again.
December 20, 2010
Yay! No hug sadly, but success of other goal!
February 21, 2011
Home Depot. Register 2. "A wall." Saturday night I think? My memory fails me....
March 29, 2011
I think I am losing my mind. Or perhaps it has merely been lost all along....
April 10, 2011
Oh, no ; I'm forgwrring things I'm so scared
April 10, 2011
Everthing will be alright.
April 14, 2011
Wal-Mart. Grocery side doors. We were entering, they were leaving.
April 19, 2011
So, being told I've been cheated on kinda fucks with my head, but he claims it isn't true. I just hope he would never lie to me.. I love him. And I don't want to get hurt anymore....
April 29, 2011
I'll show the world what psychotic, crazy Jamie can do.
May 10, 2011
Star no Star
May 11, 2011
Butterflies and flowers,
Rain that pours down for hours,
That's what I want.
Dragonflies and creeks,
A sense of peace that lasts for weeks,
That's what I want.
You and your all,
A pure love void of pain that lasts eternal,
That's what I want.
May 19, 2011
Today, PC Graduation.
May 20, 2011
I keep regretting how I keep forgetting to ask for a hug. >.>
May 22, 2011
I'm gonna try and start another written journal. I've been neglecting journalling my life and thoughts and dreams for awhile now. It's time to try and start again.
May 26, 2011
I have begun composing letters... I will be emptying out my thoughts and opinions on basically how they hurt me and how terrible I think they are and why. This will help me gain some peace, and it will be easier to move on. This will do me good, I'm sure.
May 27, 2011
So, tonight ------- offered to sleep with me if I found her some pot to smoke. WTF. My response: "....O_o...." End Result: I don't think so.
June 8, 2011
I put "Happy birthday." on -----'s wall. I wonder how she will respond. She may completely skip and ignore my happy birthday wishes like she did last year. I won't be surprized if this occurs, and this time it won't truly bother me. If so, I will merely add some unkind extras to the letter I am writing, such as the part I am debating at the end saying "I hope your daughter is a lesbian." We shall see....
June 8, 2011
The "Happy Birthday." is no longer there. I can't help but think she deleted it.
June 10, 2011
Wal-Mart, book section, HAPPINESS
I suppose I won't send the letters... At least, I'll wait till he is out of their house before I do.
June 11, 2011
I love Jaacobe So much~
June 24, 2011
Random update rambling time. So, Kobi and I moved back in with my parents. No more electric bill to pay, yay!
June 24, 2011
I forgot pressing enter now sends the msg.
Oh, well, continuing. The only girl that I now feel threatened by is ------, because she's a slutwhore bitch, and keeps saying inappropriate shit when talking to MY Jaacobe. If the bitch keeps pissing me off, some shit is gonna have to go down. I'm sick of it. I don't trust her. Especially considering she even fucked Derick when I dated him, and has again this year that I am aware of. Also fucked his friend Jared. Whoreslut needs to stay away from my Jaacobe.
June 24, 2011
Oh! Finally replaced the PS3 Derick took from me (which stopped working after he got it, hahahahaha) and now I have the best one out there! The 320 GB with the Move! So happy!
I helped Dad put ceramic tile down on his and Mom's bathroom floor. Was hell of work, but I'm glad I helped. Now I now how to do it if I ever need to, and I felt like it was a good way to repay him some since he's always given and helped me out so much.
June 24, 2011
I have a mini fridge! Haha, yeah....
Hmm, what else could I say....
I wanna lose weight.
I'll type more later if I think of some more~
June 26, 2011
I'm such a fuckup.
I hate her so much.
I wish she didn't exist. She never fails to piss me off. I hate it. I hate her. Making me feel the way I do, the fucking slut. The fucking bitch.
I feel so sad right now. Why do I have to be such a fuckup?
June 26, 2011
I love Kobi.
June 28, 2011
I hate that stupid slut. Just the thought of her makes me angry and depressed and ruins my fucking day.
July 7, 2011
Reading the newest Epilepsy Advocate magazine that came in the mail and this quote stuck out for me, haha: "Dear memory, it feels like where you are is really quite far. So how do I get where you are?" I wish I remembered more of my past. So many memories I seem to have lost. It just doesn't seem fair when everyone brings up a memory from the past, especially one they have of me, and I can't remember anything they claim happened ever happening. Just a passing thought~
July 7, 2011
I had an awesome hour and 22 minute surprize tahday
July 14, 2011
"There are some people I just hate, and you Sir are one of them."
Productive pay day today. Paid my WalMart credit card payment, ate at LaVilla with mah Kobi , we each got a new shirt at WalMart, gonna pay 100-200 on mah loan payments, and spent about $80 on SpencersOnline for a new swimming suit and cover up for it. So far, pretty good.
July 21, 2011
Last night 1 hour, 28 minutes~
Out in garden. Bored bored bored.
August 5, 2011
Today is one of those days I want to transition so fucking bad. it's so hard not to, but I have to keep trying; I'm afraid if I do I'll lose control over it again....
September 28, 2011
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