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Oh here we go. So we’re having tense words again, Vergil and I. He tells me he’s only harsh because I bring it upon myself. I decided to finally let it slip. The one thing I’ve wanted to say for nine months now.



“But you’ve been harsh to me when I haven’t deserved it.”



Vergil proceeds to ask me when. I tell him. It was at a competition he was in last year that he specifically requested I come to watch. That night I had a mild ankle sprain. He asked me at one point to come find him on a veranda to help him with his latin costume and I have no idea where he means as I’ve never been to this venue before.



I eventually find him. He snaps at me and tell me it’s too little too late. Those words stung me and left me reeling. All I could think is “what did I do?”



So he tells me he doesn’t remember that. Convenient.



But as I walk out the door after my lesson I feel an overwhelming surge of guilt in my stomach. But it’s not mine. It feels artificial or rather like it doesn’t belong inside me. I then realise that it’s him. He feels guilt. I wonder does he actually remember or is it something else?



There have been so many things left unsaid for months and it’s only now I’ve had the courage to say them. I can’t hold them back for much longer.

Today was somewhat strange. I fed him. I gave instead of taking for once.



Vergil was tired, pushed to his limits and still needed to keep going. I took pity on him. So I drained myself and gave him what energy I had through our link.



This has strengthened our link. I can smell his energy and he’s not even in the same room. I can hear his voice, I can almost see him. I can feel him as if he is standing right next to me.



A psychic told me years ago that I had healing energy inside me. That I could heal others. I didn’t understand then but I think that I understand now what is I have to do. Being a psy vamp isn’t about taking. We have a gift. We can heal, we can protect and we can nourish. Isn’t this the best use of our powers?



I may not be completely human anymore but I at least can do something with what I have been given.

Saturday morning at the dance studio. We had our destination unknown party last night at a lovely venue. The entire back of my legs are killing me from dancing for four hours straight but it was fun.



Two private lessons and a group class impending. I may need a hot bath after today.

So I moved out of my parents place today. I got out while I'm still 25 and glad of it.



Everything's pretty much unpacked. I've been shopping for a little food, kitchen utensils and some toiletries. Although I think I may need some temporary curtains as the blinds on my window won't seem to come down. Oh well another shopping trip may be needed.



It's a strange feeling not being in my parent's place anymore. All my furniture is here, my things, my clothes but it's just odd. I know I'll get used to it in time. Hopefully it won't be too long before I think of this place as home.



I figure the best thing for such feelings is a scary video game. Time for some Dead Space 2 again.

COMMENTS

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Army
16:44 May 21 2011

You'll get used to it pretty quickly. I've been out of my parents house since I was about 16.

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POST COMMENT

So I've been told by Vergil that I need to smile more in my dancing.



I said I had trouble doing that in cha cha because I was focusing on so many things at once that there was no room for a smile.



Vergil said there were two mediums that I went between. At parties I let loose and don't focus on technique and just have fun. At comps I am focused 100% on execution and tech.



In short I have to find a happy medium or a point where the two can meet. So after my double lesson I went to go get some food. I had a long walk from the dance studio in the city to where I wanted to get food from. Basically in the heart of the Sydney CBD where the studio is I am on a street called George Street.



I had three huge city blocks (and believe they are huge) to consider this matter. By the time I got to World Square I was numb and confused. But I had also been thinking on something else as well. One of the most senior students in the studio, let’s call her Blue has taken a personal interest in my development. I noticed she had been watching me at the last few comps. She too had commented that I need to smile more.



As far as I know I am the only one of Vergil’s students that she is doing this for. This thought made me smile. She wasn’t doing this for any of my rivals (particularly one woman I hate).



I then realised that I do need a “happy” thought. Even if that thought is the demise and/or defeat of a hated rival. I decided that using the thought of the hated rival would be better than a friend/rival. I love Cheshire and I don’t want my stupid jealousy to destroy our friendship.



I guess I will do whatever I need to do. As Daemon Hatfield says on the GameScoop podcast “whatever gets you…yeah.”

I had an asthma attack about five minutes ago and I didn’t have my inhaler. I was on the train to the city. Thankfully I was able to jump off and buy an inhaler at a nearby chemist. I hate how vulnerable I still am. Even with the slightly accelerated healing that my vampirism has bought me my respiratory affliction still can kill me.



My throat only closed up a little bit but it still scared me. The worst I’ve ever been was when I was 24 and I got quite sick. I woke up in the middle of the night with my throat almost closed up. I honestly thought I was going to die. If my dad hadn’t been there force feeding me Ventolin and Seratide I probably would have.



It’s strange. I never sought my own demise but I thought that I would welcome it if it meant I could see my late fiancé again but that night I realised that I still wanted very much to live. I suppose if I had let it take me I would have never have met my dance teacher who has given me so much happiness. Vergil (not his real name) has become an integral part of my life. I can’t imagine a day without him. For all the pain and misery we’ve caused each other we both seem to be joined at the hip now and it’s not in a vampiric sense anymore.



At times when we’ve been apart for more than a day I can sense his distress. I remember after a week apart he called me just to say that he had missed me and that he would see me that night.



I’m not sure what our connection is but it has changed the way I view relationships. Nothing is black and white. There are many different types of love.

So I've started training for the next dance tournament. Two lessons a week initially but I imagine we'll bump it up to 3-5 a month before just to make sure I'm ready.



I'm a little nervous. Last time I did a comp I went in with my nerves completely shot and my sanity almost gone. I know we won't be pushing as hard as we did with the last comp given that this one won't include a wickedly hard Lindy Hop routine.



However I have picked a few hard steps to learn. Particularly pivot turns in waltz. I hope I don't let him down. I hope I can be the most amazing student in my grade level.

Almost ready for the move on Wednesday afternoon. The bottom floor of my house is littered with boxes, my suitcase, various overnight bags (Yes I have more than one) and a bunch of other crap that I have to take with me.



It's going to be strange living in a new place but I can't wait.

The worst thing about being a human being is when you finally realise that nothing is black & white and no one gets out of this mess we call life completely unscathed. Vampires are no different.



No one is pure. No one can say that they haven’t suffered from jealousy. Some of us are worse than others. Some of us for a brief period of time will even consider plotting the downfall of a so-called rival. Even a rival that happens to be one of our closest friends. How do I know? Because I recently spent all of five minutes doing just that.



Any of you who have read my journals know that I’m training to be a ballroom dancer (apart from maintaining a career in finance). I have a rival who most likely doesn’t consider herself my rival and more my friend. Her latin dancing is amazing. Her ballroom however is not.



My teacher informed me the other day that he considers the latin dances “child’s play.” Mastery of ballroom is what he seeks from me. That’s been in my head for days. It finally dawned on me that I actually am and will most likely always be the better dancer than my rival if I work hard at it. Ballroom is a challenge but I seem to be steadily overcoming it.



I should explain that some of the teachers in the studio I train at will pass students onto the higher levels if they excel at one discipline but not the other. But not my teacher. For the girls he trains that he considers to be his rising stars they must be masters of all their core dances. They must know every step, every piece of technique and above all they must be able to follow the lead of their partner. So it is likely I will progress further and faster than this girl.



So tonight when I thought about this imagining my rival falling behind and me either misdirecting or not helping at all I actually smiled. I actually felt glee for a short time and the worst part? For about thirty seconds after that I didn’t feel bad at all. Well until my conscience kicked in and I realised that I was a massive bitch. Funny how that works.

Went to dance as usual. Tonight though was not a usual evening. There's a new teacher at my studio. He’s European, handsome, and a complete smart ass….just my type.



He’s had seventeen years international experience and is an amazing dancer. Everytime I dance with him I get to do something new and exciting. Tonight was international waltz. It was amazing. International dancers have much more shaping in their frames than we do at the studio (our style is American Smooth).



I’ve never felt so alive in my life. I’ve never like an amazing dancer before. Of course I only got about 70% of it right but still what an experience.

It’s just after midnight here. I’m sitting in my nice warm house with my poodle on the lounge next to me who occasionally headbutts me to let me know he is dissatisfied with the position of my hand on his head as I type.



It’s not even winter yet and it’s already looking to be colder than last year. The wind was icy coming home and it made the usually fifteen minute walk seem like forever in my little jacket, t-shirt and short skirt.



Dance teacher is sick...again. The idiot. With his 12 hour work day, plus studies outside of work, not to mention that he is attempting to still have a social life I’m not surprised. Although I think he may have given it to me as I woke up this morning with a blocked nose and not able to breathe. Strangely though this coincided with me trying to send healing energy down our link to him. I’ve used this in the past to speed up the healing process with a dance related injury and was quite successful. Can you catch colds via psy link?



Tink, Ballerina and myself went dancing another studio tonight. We had an amazing time together as always.



This Friday our studio has a Fright Night party. I was considering going as a vampire but I figured it might be too obvious. So I’m going as a witch instead.

Packing up what is essentially the last ten years of my life has not been easy.



I'm sitting downstairs in my parents' house. Most of my things are there. Bags full of clothes, boxes full of dvds, various knick knacks & books that I've collected over the years that have meant something to me. Finally there is my suitcase full of my dancing outfits, any formal outfits and whatever I won't need to wear on a regular basis.



All that's left to do is clean out what is left on the floors so once the removalists come they can pick up my bed, my tallboy, my set of drawers and shelves. My tv and consoles will be taken by my brother in law in his truck.



It's a strange thing leaving a place you've lived in for so long. I hope that it will be a quick adjustment to my new house. I hope that once everything is set up in the way I like it that I don't wake up in the middle of the night not knowing where I am.



With everything else that is going on this really was the last thing I needed but maybe a change is going to be a good thing for me. Well here's hoping.

I realize it’s been a little while since I’ve been on here. So to update you all I’m on holidays from work for two weeks, I’m moving out of my parent’s place to a shared house with two other girls and I’m about to start training for the next big comp.



Yeah that’s about it really.

Dream 1: I had this dream roughly after I awoke and met/bonded with Lucian. I dreamed that I was lying on a four poster bed, brown mink cover wearing a red top, black leather corset (not boned), red skirt and was being cared for by a vampire. He slightly reminded me of Meier Link from Vampire Hunter D.



Dream 2: This happened last night. I dreamt of a non human man. He was beautiful. He was almost elfish in a way. He loved me. He wanted to marry me and take me away with him. I belonged to him. I believe this dream resulted from my linking with Thor.



Wondering if anyone else has had this kind of experience from linking with another vamp?