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9 entries this month
GRANDPA'S ON THE PORCH AGAIN
00:36 Aug 29 2008
Times Read: 626
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from
the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.
CAKE OR BED
16:27 Aug 27 2008
Times Read: 648
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
Worst day16:58 Aug 22 2008
Times Read: 658
A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'
The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.
I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison.
DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP.......
17:28 Aug 20 2008
Times Read: 668
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join
him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY:DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.
ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
00:30 Aug 13 2008
Times Read: 699
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through
blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother pitches a fit, telling her not to
dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting
there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her
grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
appropriate....
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose
buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
Happy Gardening.
SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT!
17:33 Aug 07 2008
Times Read: 716
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children. The teacher asked
a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree
outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass
outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see
if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes
later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see
God because he isn't there. Possibly he just
doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the
boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked
the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree
outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass
outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the
teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we
were taught today in school, she possibly
may not even have one!
(You Go Girl!)
FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT'
II CORINTHIANS 5:7
17:14 Aug 04 2008
Times Read: 728
Subject: Buzzard, bat & bee
THE BUZZARD:
If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely
open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an
absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight
from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is
its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner
for life in a small jail with no top.
THE BAT:
The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkable nimble
creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed
on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly
and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from
which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like
a flash.
THE BUMBLEBEE:
A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it
dies, unless it is tak en out. It never sees the means of escape at the
top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near
the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely
destroys itself.
PEOPLE:
In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. We
struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never realizing
that all we have to do is look up!
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