The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's

license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had

left my wallet at home.



I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home

and come back later.



The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt".



So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,

"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she

processed my Social Security application.



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have

gotten disability, too".



And then the fight started.....





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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and

I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at

a nearby table.



My wife asked, "Do you know her"?



"Yes", I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear

she hasn't been sober since".



"My God"! says my wife, "Who would think a person could go

on celebrating that long"?



And then the fight started.....





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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car.



You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things

just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a dwarf!!!



He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM

NOT HAPPY"!!! So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you"?



And then the fight started.....





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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not

happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look

old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment".



The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".



And then the fight started.....

COMMENTS

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atyourwindow
20:11 Jul 31 2008

lmfao!!!

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ladygoddessaries
01:05 Aug 01 2008

Too funny dear.. simply too funny~

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Sinora
10:45 Aug 01 2008

lmao

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Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.







Now men...men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

COMMENTS

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Amaltheia
18:35 Jul 29 2008

Guess I'm at the very tippy top of the tree then =(

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Sinora
18:39 Jul 29 2008

*Smiles*

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atyourwindow
20:40 Jul 29 2008

im more of a pear man but i see your point.

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ladygoddessaries
21:10 Jul 29 2008

LMAO.. enough said~

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DeirdreL
18:22 Aug 14 2008

I love this one! Do you mind if I tell M about this one, Cadrewolf?

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One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair" about 80 years old, came along with them---all in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."



I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast.



"Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed.



We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time.



But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine.



I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down.



The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.



The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae.



I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait.



I smiled. She asked if she amused me.



I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me.



How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?

She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I'm tasting all that is Possible.



I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should.



But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.



This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."

"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored.



I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I haven't read. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.



There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes.



I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.

I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face.



I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.



I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast.



I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.



I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain.



I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again.



So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner,



then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner,



because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire.



I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."



With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind, " I said. "I want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!"



Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love and respect. Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS!

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...



A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston .



After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.



When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $350.00.



The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.



When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.



The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.



"But we didn't use them," the man complains.



"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.



"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.



"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.



No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! , the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"



The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.



He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.



The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."



"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."



"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.



Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.

COMMENTS

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queenmorbid
22:03 Jul 21 2008

rofl that was freaking hilarious

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dabbler
22:23 Jul 21 2008

Oh my...

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atyourwindow
20:14 Jul 31 2008

lmao! i have to add you to my favorites list bro lol

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POST COMMENT

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.



The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'



'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'



The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'



Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.



This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.



'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.



'Same,' says the ostrich.



Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'



Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.



The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'



'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'



'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something , but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'





'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.





The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'





The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

COMMENTS

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SeleneTremere
19:09 Jul 17 2008

lol...one of those...'careful what you wish for' kinda things

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dabbler
20:40 Jul 18 2008

Right and we always get what we wish for..

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