The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN IF...

01. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

02. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

03. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something legal such as watering the garden.

04. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.

05. You understand that "a group of women wearing black thongs" isn't as dirty as it sounds.

06. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

07. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.

08. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."

09. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

10. You call your best friend "a total cunt" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".

11. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

12. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

13. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they become Kiwis again.

14. Hamburger + Beetroot = Of course.

15. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'.

16. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

17. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".

18. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

19. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

20. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.

21. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

22. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".

23. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

24. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

25. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

26. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

27. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

28. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".

29. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".

30. You have a Hills Hoist in your backyard

31. You know that we're the only country to eat our coat of arms and enjoy it.