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I am in love with someone who is too prideful to release his vulnerable side to me. Surrounded by men and women I am, all who very clearly and without any shame will cry for me... Yet the man I adore, and need shall not. His vanity is his burden and though I am waiting, how much longer can I? The winter is getting colder as is my heart. It's only human nature to deny the desire of what you can not have right? Oh how I suddenly find myself without any words of wisdom, no rule book... the queen of games can't think of a single bloody trick to make him shed tears. I sit behind a computer screen sniffling like a school girl, when did I become so blind? My affection for someone has again consumed me, I'm in the flames of a passion I can not put out and I am lost. 'What is normal for the spider is chaos to the fly' they say, well that's romance for everyone and an estranged strangling emotion to me. I'm obsessed, confused and twisted into pieces... still, i wait. With a mouthful of hope that he'll just say the right things and my frozen stare will make him bleed that salty liquid down from his pupils so I will know that his proud alter has abandoned him.

The gig is up, I know you're here. I can feel you touch me when I'm asleep thinking I'm all alone until the hunger comes over me & I'm panting (breathless) I can smell your cologne on the panties on my floor, the ones I thought I was wearing before. As I call your name I can hear the echos of a smile... You drive me insane...

So who would have suspected I would be here again... this dark little corner of my mind where all my alter egos smirk and ramble on and on about how they knew I would be back. Even the young girl with holes for her eyes that is the representation of my childhood (and all its fears) is sitting starring at me without blinking... I can feel it even though she doesn't speak and has no pupils, I feel her more than any of them looking into my very soul. The blood that keeps pouring out of my freshly cut wounds doesn't hurt as much as the pride i'm losing thinking that any one person could protect me from myself... I was bred to destroy and when there is nothing to left to ruin I self destruct.

The moon's gentle glow is so vulnerable as I lay on my bed with headphones in listening to music that will only add to the lingering depression over my head. How could I be so foolish... I almost had exactly what I wanted, a love that was obsession and would make Lolita blush but instead it turned sour and plain, it became cookie cutter (& lame). We found each other in our extremity of bottom lurking and together we rose to success but in the process lost our affection and admiration in each other. Now here I am hoping that some blood loss and casual flirting will numb my pain. At least I know that I'm also to blame...

At least I know I'm also the one to blame