Remembrance
22:56 May 19 2006
Times Read: 868
I 'm at my Grandmothers, i can't remember getting there, it's like it starts at that moment. I'm looking out of the window, i don't know why, maybe waiting for the black cars, and my Mother.
I turn around, the lounge is filled with familiar people , relatives and friends i can't remember specifically who was there. I can't recall certain face's, just that they were all there. I sit down on the floor because all the seats are occupied by a deranged relative Aunt's, Uncle's, Cousin's, Grandparent's men, women and children collectively. I recall only one conversation, i can;t remember, or hear any voices, nothing except this. They are talking about Kimberley's birthday, then i feel myself drop, sensing that i had forgotten all about her birthday, I'm filled with self loathing and anger how could i have forgotten, i feel weightless. She would have been Seven years old, "Yes" i hear, "I bought her a Barbie, I'll put it on the grave". That makes me laugh, she's not even buried yet!
N ext thing i remember is walking out of the front door, down to the small garden over looking the road, just a stones throw away from the church. I walk down the three long step's. I look up as if just remembering that i was looking down at the ground, i force myself to look up, look straight ahead. I look up and see the black vehicle with the most simplest word in the world staring back at me "Mother". Made from yellow flower's moulded so ungraciously and unforgiving into that word, the word that i can't say anymore. I can't remember what type of flower they were just that they were pathetically beautiful. it started to move forward in a slow creep, like a raindrop rolling and rolling down a cold window. It passed me by hidden behind the hedge of conifers, only to be followed by two more two exact vehicles triplets identical in everyway except for the flowers.
T he second one, they were blue a light pastel blue they felt so cold and detached, "Joseph", my almost birthday present. Mother went into labour with him on my birthday i remember the ambulance in the driveway outside and my father turning round with a smile and saying, "Looks like he wants to say Happy Birthday."He was born early the next morning. He just turned Ten years old two months before.
T hen the third car rolled into view "Kimberley", I can't remember what colour the flowers were, but i suspect they were pink, i don't know why it just seems to fit! As soon as she rolled into view, she was gone as quickly.
I was ushered down through the gate to an awaiting car, i can't remember getting into the car, but, there i was. It was beautiful, the whole of the interior was a creamy white, the upholstery was a smooth buttery cream colour. I don't remember seeing anyone else in the car, though i sense my father next to me even though i cannot see him, and the twins, John must have been there also. The drive to the church was a short one, even at the snail pace that we were going. I remember looking back through the rear window and seeing my Grandmother holding up my Aunt, I remember many people walking behind us our large extended family, friends, teachers, school students and their families, there seemed to be so many. I remember a feeling wash over me in that instant, i don't know why. but as i looked at the many many people walking in unison in shared grief with tears sparkling in their eyes and blazing trails down their cheeks, in that moment watching all that i felt proud.
I remember turning my head when i reached the corner that led down to the church, i remember seeing a policeman wearing black cotton gloves looking towards me inside the car, i remember his smile, though not his faces, and i saw Seven or Eight cars behind him as he blocked their passage so that the mourners could walk behind our car. I remember the lane going upto the church, as i had walked it many times in the summer with my Mother, brothers and sisters, to get to Grandmothers for weekend visits.
A s the car turned the last corner i caught my first glimpse of the church, and more people waiting outside, More people!. The church i had seen a thousand times before seemed so alien and unknown, i remember looking to the crowd gathered outside, One face jumped out at me, stood out in a sea of unknowns. Joshua was there. And for the first time since that night at the hospital it hit me with full force, this is it, this is the end this is the last goodbye. I can't remember driving up into the churches courtyard, or, even getting out of the car. All i remember is a hand crawling around mineand cradling it, i knew that it was Josh, I don't know why but i just knew, i sensed it even though i can;t remember seeing him i felt his kiss on my cheek.
I can't remember seeing anyone else, all i saw were the big wooden doors, i remember the two steps upto it and the sound of my feet stepping onto each one as i entered under the archway into the darkness.
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