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she was walking home from am exausting day at work. not wanting to go home and deal with all the billshit her "family" dished out. she walked a slow, steady pace. finally reaching the top of the stairs at the appartment building, she could already hear her sister bitching. granted she had a big loud mouth, but you could hear the rage in her voice....VERY clearly.

rolling her eyes and turning the lock to open the door, she stepped inside and the sweet aroma of pasta, bread and steak surrounded her. her mouth starting to water, she set her bag near the enterence and walked into the kitchen and sighed. sitting down by the stove, where the scent was a world stronger, and listened to costa bitch to bonnie again.

"not everything is going to be handed to you! you're nothing but a spoiled selfish brat!," i remember her exact words to me when i was little...talk about freaky, " i shouldn't be surprized with the way you were raised. but i expected more from you, bonnie!"

" dont EVER lecture me about how i was raised! you dont know what i've been through!"

" MY ASS! you saw how shitty my dad treated his kids! oh, no, u know what, you're right. i dont know what its like to have everything handed to you by mommie and daddie! I never had a chance at that luxury! Sorry for wanting you to live life with values, manners, and a sence of pride when u get out into the real world! And i thought you deserved better!"

bonnie looked down to hide the embarrassment and shame she had caused. she knew it was pushing it too far. everyone was touchy with costa because she was kicked out at 15 or 16 to go to arizona to live with our Aunt Carol. i felt my stomache twist with guilt, shame, longing, depression.

costa ushered Alex, her 2 year old son, into the living room to eat. She was pregnant again, hence all the horomones and sassy yet partially corny comebacks filled with tears. she was 8 months and scared. in order for everybody to keep living, atleast somewhat decent, the father had to work two jobs. i tried to help the best i could. not asking from any money from anybody, what would i need to buy myself anyway? i had two jobs. music store by day, at the mall, movie gallery at night, down the block.

i had once wanted to start a banking account for my nefew, where i put my entire movie gallery check into. but that was changed into an account to keep food on the table, for those who deserved it. for example, costa mike and alex and the new-to-be baby. they needed it more than aunt C, billy, and bonnie, my leeching aunt and cousins. they moved in to " help" with costa's situation. not to mention they were kicked out of their last apparment for have the cops bust billy for drug dealing and abuse of a substance. after billy got out a half a year later, thanks to a great lawyer, probation and rehab, they moved into my sister's place and use everythign, that we buy for ourselves, up.

My other job, however, i really enjoyed. music is my new life. at the music store, everything makes me feel wanted accepted and happy. i use that money to support myself on that one. however, bonnie better start paying for my cell phone bill or i will never ever let her use it ever again...then for her its bye bye george, her 18 year old new york boyfriend. he grew up around where i did. maybe give or take a couple miles north of where i lived.

i started remembering both my homes back in new york. the one with my dad, well how it used to be when i was senceless and naive. beautiful trees whisping in the cool summer breeze and dogs barking, 2 acre feilds free to run around playing baseball ect. That place was a blast when i was younger. then i thought about mom, andrea, rob and everybody else back at home in the appartment in the city. i remembered being able to walk to and from school in the summer..it was only 2 or 3 miles up and down hill. i miss andrea. she was practically my sister, my best friend. i hope her and rob are doing better than ever. rob is my brother, aka: my sister's best friend. he watches out for me, and actually acts more like a brother to me rather than my actual real brothers. i remember when andrea and i used to whore it out on the streets trying to make guys pick us up. it was really really ludicris, i never got a single cat call. i wasnt as beautiful as andrea was. she may have been a lil bigger than me...but it wasnt much. she actually wieghed less than i did. i'm the one that looked like a blimp. andrea has muscle...i have blubber. i envy her, still to this day. i wish i could talk to her.