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iknow i really shouldnt feel this way,but it has never failed me before. i was always right when i had a feeling people no longer waned to be with me. well, thats the way i feel with rusty right now. i feel as if nobody wants me around really. so i dont know what i am exactly going to do. i doubt him constantly even though he has never really wronged me...i dont think. but then again you never really do know a lot when he's like, 1000 miles away. you never really know even when the dude is your next door neighbor. maybe i should just give up. its hopeless to get me to believe anything anyone says. even if their actions go with it, i am always wondering when they will be cheating or when they will want to break up with me. i dont know. im so confused. i dont want to stay in a relationship that the other person doesnt want to be in. i dont care if he fucking pitties me. i can fucking handle it. and i take not telling me that he doesnt want to be with me as a lie. he knows that. but i think he's scared of me like most of the worlds population. hell, im even scared at my own damned temper. i have no idea how the hell im going to react and i know its wrong. i just find it extra ordinarily hard to controll my emotions sometimes. and i'll get caught up in them more than i want to sometimes. i wish he would break up with me if he so wanted.

im doing the one thing he asked me not to do. im Jealous. im jealous of Ashley. yeah, i honastly think that he does still want to be with her. if he does then hell, let them be together. i dont care anymore. i hate lying and i dont know. i dont know why im lying when i say that i know he wants to be with me. i really dont think he does. i think at this point in time, he's more obligated to be with me more than anything.

i dont see why he would want to be with me either. and just to avoid drama, i try not to make a big deal out of it. all i really try to do is let him know exactly what im feeling. in which i imagine gets on his nerves, hell it would get on mine. it does get on my nerves how "lovey" i am. why do my defences go down? why cant i seem to keep them up. i know i'll get hurt again. that or i will get hurt again. i have no freakin idea.