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So another Christmas has passed, and I'm honestly not sure how I'll feel at the end of the day. When I was a child I was truly captivated by the magic of Christmas. . . not with Santa Claus, or toys and all of that. But when I was young, Christmas was always a magical time because my family never fought, there were specials on TV, snow outside, and good memories to share and be made. There were specials on TV, stores all across town fully decorated, and nothing but Christmas music and 'updates' about Santa's trip on the radio.



For years I've clung to that feeling, and tried to keep the spirit that I remember alive but every year it seems to get harder and harder. I'm faced with the sobering realization that every time Christmas rolls around it may be the last I get to spend with my grandpa; I'm truly thankful to still have him, but fearful of what will happen when he's gone. All of the Christmas specials have been chopped down to allow the most commercial time, and you're lucky to hear a Christmas tune in between all of the Kelly Clarkson and random hip-hop littering the airwaves.



Even since finding my faith in paganism and sitting all of the Jesus stuff aside, this day, Christmas, December 25th means so much to me-- and every year I find that meaning in less and less of what surronds me.



Forgive me, I'm trying to focus. . . I don't know when or how I lost my ability to write coherently, but I desperately want it back. The past few weeks have been a rough time, and I feel suspended inside of the hole I thought I was falling down. After overdosing and waking up 36 hours later to find that I was still alive, my life lead me further down the rabbit hole where I was able to finally catch myself. I don't feel like I'm falling anymore, but I feel further down. . . I suppose things can get better now that I've gained my footing after tearing down everything I fought to build. I lost my life, my emotion, and my pride this year, and I fucking want all of that back as well.



I spent Christmas Eve with a good friend, both of us tripping and trying to rebuild ourselves inside. It seems my eyes had never been so open before and yet I saw nothing at all. . . well, that's not quite right. I spent my time in an enjoyable mood, watching movies, listening to music, and losing myself in anything that could catch my attention long enough. But when the visuals went away, I had one of those deep conversations only people coming down can have. I feel like I understand my Family better than ever before, and my friend as well; I feel like I learned a lot about myself while I was looking over my past and wiping the slate clean.



I'm tired of being broken hearted. I'm tried of feeling dragged down. I'm tired of putting my well-being aside. I'm tired of having everything stolen away from me without the footing to take it back.



As much as I would like to end this on some uplifting high note, I simply can't. I don't feel empowered, and I don't feel like I found direction again. But I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore; that is the best gift I could've recieved and the high note of my year.

There are songs that I would consider part of the soundtrack to my life, but there are many more songs out there that I refer to as "the perfect song at the perfect time." Maybe they don't require merit enough to be a major point of my life, but something that helped me through a crisis.



I draw off of the energy of music (nothing will ever compare to seeing AFI live!) in ways some may never understand, and some may call pathetic. But music is my first addiction, and it will be my last as well; without it I don't know where I would be today.



A little insight into my world is that it came crashing down at the beginning of this year. Everything I knew, everything I loved, and every scrap of pride that I had busted my ass for was ripped away from me over the course of two months. In late January of this year I celebrated the one year anniversary of a relationship with the most amazing woman I have ever met.



On Valentine's Day, I made us dinner and set-up a candle-lit indoor picnic, so to speak... a blanket on the floor so we could be close, a movie ready to watch when we were done...



That was the last night the love of my life spoke to me for over two months. She cancelled plans we made several days later, and went from barely speaking to me to flat out ignoring me until sometime in March. It was then that she sent me a message in which she explained how she had been diagnosed with schizophernia and bipolar disorder; she told me that the girl I loved didn't exist, because she was only being who people expected her to be. She didn't know who she was, so she couldn't stand to be loved because she felt there was no one there to love.



That's really as far into detail as I'd like to get, because it still hurts to stir up these feelings. Other things happened that would probably help clear up some of the more exact reasons I still haven't been able to move on, but I'd really rather not get into it.



There's a part of me inside that wants to hate her for hurting me so badly... a part of me that can't be angry because, if nothing else, she blessed me with several of the fondest memories of my life... and a part of me that is still madly in love with her... that would take her back in a half a heartbeat if she showed up at my door... a part that thinks taking her back would be unhealthy... and a part of me that doesn't care.



During that two month period, I also quit my job because of harassment and discrimination issues. I found my hours cut for 38 a week to 9... nine fucking hours! A 29 hour loss over the course of ONE SCHEDULE! So now I had lost the love of my life, and my job... the foundation and stability of my entire world was gone. It was fucking emotional armageddon... I had a relapse of self-mutilation after almost two years being cut-free...



This song was somewhat popular at the time, and I could relate to the lyrics so well at the time. I've always found comfort in finding that someone out there, for some reason, is having the same feelings as I am... to know that someone else has felt my pain provides me with some level of comfort... this person knows what it's like, and has made it through; it allows me to find the inspiration to continue.



To me, it's about the world falling down around you, and losing everything you love... but trying your damndest to hold onto it all...



Breaking Benjamin "So Cold"

Crowded streets are cleared away, one by one.

Hollow people seperate as they run.

You're so cold, keep your hand in mine.

Wise men wonder while strong men die.



Show me how it ends, it's alright...

Show me how defenseless you really are...

Satisfied, yet empty insde...

That's alright, let's give this another try...



If you find your family, don't you cry,

In this land of make believe, dead and dry.

You're so cold, but you feel alive...

Lay your hands on me one last time...



Show me how it ends, it's alright...

Show me how defensless you really are...

Satisfied, yet empty inside...

That's alright, let's give this another try....



It's alright...

It's alright...

It's alright...

It's alright...

It's alright...

It's alright...

It's alright....

It's alright........