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I finally started my period. So now I'm all bent out of shape from it. I am a neurotic mess and stoned out of my mind on advil the first two days. It's kind of ridiculous and I don't know why it affects me this bad.

Satan is procrastinating going to see a doctor. She fell down some stairs and doesn't want to find out if the baby is okee? So she may have lost it.

I asked precious about it. From what he's said, nothing she's ever done has ever made sense. He's staying with her for the baby sake, trying to end things on good terms. I told him it's okee, that I'll wait for as long as I have to.

I'm so glad, he was able to tell me what I don't think he's ever admitted to anyone. He actually wants to leave her, for good, for the first time since they first got together. Because he finally found someone he really wants to be with. I want him just as much.

But I'm doing this right. I am not going to try to win the battle just so I can lose the war. I'll give up the battle, however many times I have to, so that I can win the war. That's my only concern. All I have to do to accomplish that is be there for him and wait as patiently as I can. I'll be the first to admit I'm not a patient person, but he's so worth it!

I'm strong enough to wait for him, but I don't think I'm strong enough to live without him.

God, do I ever love him! Well, he is so close to leaving Satan. I guess she may have lost the baby.

I just want him to be happy. If he was really happy with her I would let him go. But I know he isn't. This feels too right and I know how he feels.

All this bitch cares about is making him miserable. She plays her games and plays him as a fool because she can and she knows it. Well, until I came around. She hates me with a brutal passion because I threaten her base of power. I truly care for him, I make him happy. I am the one thing that can break this cycle she has him under. I can break her hold in the way no one else has been able to.

Why? Because I am willing to be patient enough. I am willing to give him all he needs. I give of myself totally and willingly. I give and I give and I give... because there's no other way I'd do it. He's worth it. He's everything I've dreamed, everything I longed for. I feel in my heart I have waited my whole life just to be with him. I am willing to do whatever it takes. I told him tonight before he left I was here and I'm not going any where. He replied he might be back... Maybe not...

But I still mean that. I will be here waiting for him no matter what. And I am so not going any where!

~But it hurts, when I think... when I let it sink in...~



We consecrated the house last night. Unfortunately, we discovered I'm allergic to sage. My sinus hurt so bad today, I'm talking funny from it.

Angele and I went out shopping for herbals today. This one shop was pretty neat. I just hope the Aloe Vera we got really works on ulcers.

It's been a few days since I've had a drink. As well as being a week late for my moontime... That's a first for me but I'm trying not to think about it. What's a week? I'm just stressing so much, and this adds to it. I hate my period!

I still hoping I'm doing the right thing... I hope he really understands... I want to talk to precious more about this but I don't know if there really is a need. Plus I have to wait for him to get a moment to see me. I hate seeing how he has to sneak around just to see friends! This bitch thinks she's so much better than everybody else, better than him and his family! I'd love to knock her in her place! You do not tell me you're better than me or anybody else. That's a fast track to being on my list. Which it takes serious intentional fuck ups to get on my list... You don't get on there by accident...

I want him to know that I never will look down on him or anyone he cares about because I know I'm the same as them. I want him to know I don't want him to feel he has to lie to me or hide things from me. I want him to know I don't care where he goes, who he hangs out with, who he talks to, etc...etc... etc... just as long as I have the option of being there. I only ask one thing: that he is as true to me as I am to him. That is all I want. Period.

Maybe that's the key... he's been with this girl who thinks she's so above everybody else... and I know just how lowly he thinks of himself... I really need to remind him just who he really is.

This song's been stuck in my head for three days! I can't get it out of my head!

We were supposed to meet Aunt Vicky today, but that fell through. Precious felt so bad...

He's dating Satan, but things are becoming serious between us. It's me he wants to bring to meet his family... it's me that is a part of his family... How long am I going to wait before he just accepts it and lets Satan go? I know he's not over her or the guilt he lives with over everything that has happened in his life. That's why I wait for him, I'm giving up everything trying to give him what he needs and I give it all willingly. I can't help but give it and hope he reciprocates.

Why do I love him so much? I have never had anyone have this effect on me. I'm so confused, I'm so scared by everything that I'm feeling. It's worse or so much better knowing he feels the same. Or maybe that's what makes it what it is...

What are you doing to me, precious? I just know what my heart is saying... it's fighting between my head and my heart is saying...

My head says to give it up, to run as far from this as possible... to move on to better and brighter things...

My heart says this is where I belong... this is all I've ever wanted and hoped for my whole life...

I have to follow my heart, and that scares me so badly. I cried in his arms the other day, it's so overwhelming. That nagging sense of lonliness I've felt my whole life vanished. No matter where I go, who I'm with, or what I'm doing; he's there and I can feel him. I am never alone (he's also right there).

I told him I want to get a tat right over my heart to symbolize him. I want it to be for us, for everything we feel... Now I just have to find that perfect symbol... I need this...

I'm also going to get a trinity symbol on my arm to represent the threes we all have going on. Yeah, I'm going to have a lot of little tats! They all have reasons why I want them...

He wanted to know if all my old buddies and my family would like him. Since they all hated my ex. But they had good reason to hate my ex. I think they'll accept precious... especially if they can see just how he makes me feel. I want to show him off to everyone. If they can just see and understand, if they can get to know just who he really is... they'll all love him, too. I'm pretty much already considered part of his family... so we know they accept me on his part... lol.

This song is so stuck in my head. It's so how I'm feeling, too. I guess it's just one of our songs...

I defy you, Fates. No more deals. No more passing me around. I get what I want, you get what you want. All I require is time. You give me the time I need, and I will get you what you want. I make the deals now. I get what I want. I'm not budging from this. It's this or nothing. Either way, I win. I have my terms and I'll take nothing else.

I'm sorry Angele. I'm sorry Josh. I'm sorry everyone in any way who was or will be or currently are involved in this.

I am so pissed. I have no free will, I swear. I just now figured out the last three years. I wondered what was up and why things happened so fast and why they happened the way they did. Fate went out of her way just to get me here and get me with Josh. Now for him to figure that shit out. I am Fate's little toy, I don't even know what I do anymore. This is so frustrating, no matter what I do I don't have a say about what happens in my own life. Fate just steps in and has her merry way with me. Yeah, no use trying to deny it. I have no free will.