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I feel that twist and slightly sickening feeling and a touch of guilt everytime. It's not fair.

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SinginGhost88
05:49 Aug 31 2010

Ok, now it's YOUR turn to elaborate!

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As the title suggests, I had a pretty good day. I atteneded the first day of my INTD class, a.k.a. Critical Thinking in the Liberal Arts. It was really just to introduce ourselves and to tour the campus a bit, the instructor also helped us out with a few last minute things. After that I had a couple hours before it was time to go to the matriculation ceremony, so I went and ordred myself the pizza I wanted last night. Went to the ceremony, it wasn't too bad. It wasn't very long and it was mildly entertaining. As I was leaving there I had to step to the side so I could wait for the mass exodus of the o0ther students to pass by, I don't like walking in a huge crowd. It was a good thing I did that. Just as I was getting ready to head for the door, a girl named Rachel that I met during the first part of orientation wandered out. She's the girl I mentioned in another note who's the same age as me. We said hi to each other and then stopped to talk. After a while of leaning against the wall and talking we found some comfy benches to lounge on a bit and spent the next few hours talking. It was cool, I dare say I think I've made a friend and one capable of meaningful conversation at that! Then I looked at the time and realized that I was running late and was probably going toi be a couple minutes late for work. Thankfully I made it there with 1 minute to spare, praise be to power walking! Then work was pretty crappy but now I'm home and chillin'. I think I'm going to munch my left over pizza and watch something before I go to bed. Tomorrow classes start in full swing AND it's payday! Boo-ya baby!

Today was both the most uncomfortable day I've ever had and the most fun I've had in quite some time. The bulk of orientation consisted of various game-ish things to help us meet the other freshmen, it was fun. At first I was borderline terrified, I've essentially been a hermit the last few years and it was simply a big social gathering. After a little bit I loosened up though, it really reminded me of improv. practice. We mostly just goofed off and met each other, we learned a few things about each other too. For my core group there was Frank, Tyler, Whitney, Emily, Dillan, Greg, Sam, Kayla, and I think I'm forgetting someone. At one point I met another freshman the same age as me, that was comforting because I was ure I'd be the oldest freshman there... Technically I still am as far as I know because she's a few months younger than me but at least it's not a few years of seperation. lol The funny thing is that she expressed the same relief, it was kind of cool. I was happy that I managed to ditch my shell after a little bit, I wouldn't have had as much fun otherwise. The next thing I need to attend is my house meeting and it's in my house lounge but there's one problem: I don't eve know where my house is! I'll address that issue in a little while after I eat.

Ghack! Only two days until Orientation starts!

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SinginGhost88
01:18 Aug 27 2010

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!

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A little while back I came to the decision that I want to try getting high. I mean, I've wanted to try it for a long time but I've always had one reason or another not to. I'm in a position right now where I don't have to worry about taking a drug test so I decided not to give a fuck about any other reservations I might have. The problem is that I don't know where to get any. So I decided to talk to a coworker that I knew did it once in a while. Unfortunately they said they don't do it anymore and changed the subject shortly afterward. Well it came up with a different coworker later. We were working and I had my billionth blonde moment for the night and made the comment that my brain was fried, she insinuated that I was high. I laughed and told here that it wasn't the case, not that I wouldn't mind it but I didn't even know where to get any in this town. So she says, "I just might be able to help you with that." We talked about it a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm a little surprised, happy, and excited. I'm hoping she does help me, if not I guess I'll have to wait.

I'm so tired of owning crappy, piece of shit stuff! Every computer I've owned: Second hand shit. Every car I've owned: Second hand shit. The one piece of furniture I've ever owned: Brand new shit. I'm so tired of it, EVERYTHING. I'm not taking it anymore, I'm taking the money I'll have in the next month and getting myself some decent stuff! When I get paid in 6 days I'm planning to go online and order myself a brand-fuckin'-new laptop from Best Buy, it will work like fucking magic or there will be misery for others. When I get my surplus check from the college I am going to get myself a decent, maybe even nice, car and it will fucking run and I won't need to fix anything on it for a while! I WILL then go buy myself a decent couch and a decent bed. 'Cause ya never know, I just might want to invite people over someday and maybe even have someone to share the bed with once in a while. It would be pretty fuckin' nice to have the shit if it came up! GRRAH!

More and more I've been watning to try weed, get high for the first time. I know one of my coworkers does it once in a while, I should see if they can hook me up.

I ended up going in to work for just around 2 hours and they were fuckin' lucky I was there. Two of the guys who were supposed to be there at 11 didn't think they were supposed to be in until noon but then they didn't even show up on time for that! When they got there they were both being useless pricks, I had to continually ask for everything I needed from one of them who was put on the fryer even though they should know without me saying. They both basically did nothing the whole time and we were slammed, then they sat in the back talkin' shit to each other about the rest of us. It was fuckin' bull shit.

I'm trying to get some stuff done at home and work calls to ask if I can come in. *sigh* I really don't want to work today, simply because I have other things I need to do, but I told them if they can't find anyone else that I'll come in.

Weird. I just suddenly woke up about 30 minutes ago, I didn't feel like I could get back to sleep so I got up. Now I'm suddenly feeling a little sleepy, I was planning to get up in 2 hours though and I have to wonder if it's worth it to lie back down.

I'm having a serious internal struggle. It really only JUST sank in today that I'm going to have a couple thousand dollars at my disposal in a couple weeks. Once that really hit home my mind instantly pointed out to me that the money would mean I won't actually need to wait until the end of October to get a car. Once that thought processed, a million more similar to it went through my head in regards to other things, such as furniture, that I need. Another part of my mind felt obligated to point out that it's enough money to get a permanent fix for my teeth, or to get the surgery I need for my knee. It also might be enough for me to get a small stackable washer and dryer set since I have the hook-ups for them. The more frivolous part of my mind pointed out that I've been wanting to get a couple more tats and another piercing. This part also pointed out that my music, game, and literature collections were fatally depleted over the last year. A combination of the two pointed out how wonderful it would be to get a viola again and pay for lessons at the college. I'm having no trouble ignoring the frivolous suggestions, a fact which I'm thankful for, but I do enjoy dreaming about them. On the other hand, there are many things that money could buy that would do me a serious amount of good. The fact of the matter is that I will eventually need to pay that money back and it will be much easier if I don't spend anymore than absolutely necessary. Just to make things worse, I'm going to have just as much money available to me next semester. So where does that leave me? Confused and frustrated.

What a day. It wasn't bad, all things considered. I worked a 9 hour shift, we weren't too busy though and I was working with people I like.

I found out that the new girl I was so interested in is taken. Up until today I was thinking she might be interested too but after she started talking about her boyfriend I decided I was misreading the signals. That was a bit of a disappointment, made all the more acute when I saw her in her street clothes. Until today I'd only seen her in her work uniform and she's definitely cute and pretty, when I saw her in her street clothes my mind pretty much went blank. I discovered that on top of being interesting, cute, pretty, funny, having decent taste in music, and capable of holding a conversation, she's also unbelievably hot. I'm not joking when I say it took effort to focus on something else and to not stare.



There's another girl at work that I thought I might be interested in before but she decided to go back to her ex instead. The new girl has been hanging around me and talking to me a lot. Of course I'm me and I'm a flirt, she's been flirting back some (part of why I thought she might be interested in me). There have been a couple of days that all three of us have worked together, today was one of them. The new girl was the only one not closing though, as soon as she left the other girl went from brooding and unsocial to bubbly and super flirty. After talking about various things I managed to pick up that she's jealous of me having an interest in or even flirting with other girls. I had more or less figured it out and then my suspicions were verified when she she made a comment about some other girl having a nice ass, I told her I couldn't argue with her and then she told me I shouldn't agree with her either. When I asked why I shouldn't agree with her she told me that she would get jealous (what better verification could anyone want for something like this?), she immediately changed the subject after that. I find myself torn between frustration/annoyance, amusement, and satisfaction.



I have an issue with loneliness, I don't really like being single and I love to love. I'm not really in the greatest position for a realationship and there are very few prospects in that area for me around here. This causes frustration to compound the loneliness and is only made worse by my habit of falling for women who are in some way unavailable to me. I seem to fall for women who are taken, emotionally unavailable, in no way interested in me beyond friendship, or with whom a relationship just isn't reasonably possible. Just once I would love to meet a girl who's 'my type', for a lack of a better way to put it, that I can fall for and will fall for me just the same without ANY complications.

Yeah, I know. I can dream though, can't I?



Ok, my self-centered and probably somewhat egotistical ramble is over. I needed to get that all out though, it wouldn't quit spinning around my head.

My new computer is a piece of shit! Ok, so it only cost me $67 but I thought it would be decent considering where I bought it. Why would the college allow their tech department to sell crappy computers to the students? *sigh* I get paid in about a week and a half, I'm also going to have a couple thousand dollars not long after that. I think I should buy a new computer that's actually new, there was a laptop at Best Buy for about $400 that would meet my needs and I think I'm going to buy it when I can.

It's my day off and there are things to do! I have to go down to Graceland to see about getting some of my money so I can buy clothing. After that I intend to go see about some furniture, there's a new consignment place in town and I want to see what they have and if it's decent. I plan to finish up cleaning today and I also need to do laundry. I also need to go to the library to renew my book because I've been reading this one slower than usual.

Don't you hate it when you get some inspiration and you start to write something that you know will be great only to suddenly go blank without getting much down?

There's a new girl at work, she seems like she might be interesting. She's definitely cute. She says she's a Juggalette, normally that would put me off because most people who claim that are just preppy-punk wannabes (a.k.a. posers) but she doesn't strike me as the poser type.

Today is the second day in a row that I've been motivated to do stuff around my home, an anomaly to be sure. The urge to get up and do something is strong enough even to overcome my habit of escaping from reality in my entertainment. As much as I want to chill and read or watch something, my desire to get up and be active and make my place look decent is far stronger. I realized a while back that I won't be able to hide from the world once school starts, at first I sort of panicked and it got worse but the other day it seemed to really sink in and I decided I had better get used to it now. Then I woke up yesterday morning feeling the realization of that decision. It's like I tell people, once I truly set my mind on something there is nothing that can stop me or get in my way, even myself. I set my mind and now I will live with the results, happily.







So I'm cranking out my Combichrist staton on Pandora and cleaning. I'm almost done-ish actually. There's no longer crap all over the place and I finally cleaned all my Powerade and ginger ale empties off the end table, all my dirty clothing is in the hamper, and my kitchen is half of the way to being clean. I still have to dishes and rinse a few pop cans out but otherwise there's not much in the kitchen. I still need to take care of the paper clutter in the corner but that isn't too much. I need to finish putting crap away in my bedroom too, it's been waiting since I moved in and it's not high on my priority list since I don't have a bed anyway. Other than that it's just little bits and scraps that need taken care of and I need to vaccum but I don't have one, it wouldn't hurt to sweep either but I run into the same problem as with vaccuming. Anyway, time to get my ass back up, move to the music, and get back at it. I'm a one man, house cleaning rave.

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KattrinaK
01:06 Aug 18 2010

rofl. i know how you feel.



i won't be hiding too much longer myself in less than a month in school. i'm taking boring medical billing and administrative ASSistant training classes, but yeah....i've committed too...happily so, the wages for such Positions are rather decent and well above minimum wage.



happy Journey in school for you....and would you mind helping clean over here for a bit?



; )

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placidchaos
01:25 Aug 18 2010

heh heh I have enough trouble keeping up after myself, I'm afraid I'll have to leave you to your own care.



Hey, boring or not, as long as you're happy with your choice it's the right one. 'Sides, the jobs themselves may be boring but they can provide the means so that your life beyond them won't be.



Thanks! You too. This is a step I've been working toward for several years now, I'm looking forward to it.

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KattrinaK
03:29 Aug 18 2010

i'm proud of you and the choices that you've made. we can make some small, sarcastic comments back and forth to encourage each other...



so....yep, it's the $ i need so that i can live a decent means and figure out what kind of schooling i "really" want to pursue...i have three or four things that "attract" me so far and i need to really think long on each of them to really decide if it's what i want to do for the rest of my life...i'm a burned-out retail and restaurant manager that doesn't have the patience, or time, anymore, to want to be in charge making other people money...i want to take a back seat, still make money, but be in more of a "supportive/caretaker" role while i work on entrepreneurial options on the side along the way.



:)

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It seems I might have screwed something up the other day. When I bought my computer I carried it home, I had to carry it in a pretty awkward position and it made the muscles at the top of my shoulders and the base of my neck really tense. I took it fairly easy over the last couple days in the hope that a little time and a bit of rest would be the key to recovery. Apparently I was wrong. I've felt pretty good today and I started picking up and cleaning my apartment because it's gone down hill. I bent over to pick a couple things up and I felt a twinge, I ignored it and figured it was just a little left over. Then next time I bent over to pick something up the twinge turned into serious pain and the next after that hurt so bad it made me gasp. I can't bend over now and even not bending over the pain was pretty bad. I've been sitting down for a little bit now and the pain is mostly gone but there's just the slightest tension headache at the base of my skull. I have no doubt that I will be able to do it all over again if I just sit and chill for a bit but I also know that it will get really bad again and it will increase the headache if I do that. Now I'm left wondering what I should do, not that I really have any choice. I'm just going to have to wait a few days and hope it finishes getting better, if it doesn't I'm screwed because there's no way I can afford to go to a doctor.

I was talking to someone earlier about Dragonball Evolution. It got me thinking about the scene where he was trying to light the candles with his chi and how when we were kids our grandpa taught us something similar. The main difference in them is that he was trying to light the candles and our goal was to put them out. Our grandpa would have us stand at a distance where it wouldn't just be blown out by pushing or blowing air at it. Then we would relax and center ourselves, after that we would begin pulling energy from our own auras. When we thought we had enough, we would hold it at a point between breast and navel and then compress it into a ball. Then we would pull our dominant hand to our side with our fingers pulled in tight but the palm open and thrust forward. The idea was to throw the energy at the candle and snuff it. He could do it every time but we tried and tried. It's actually very hard to do, we even tried forcing enough air at it to blow it out but we couldn't because of how far he made us stand from the candle.



I actually managed it a couple of times. I can still remember very clearly the first success I had. My brother was with me and we'd been taking turns at it. I went through all of the steps and then I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before thrusting at the candle. It snuffed instantly. I remember looking at my brother and raving about how I couldn't believe I'd actually done it. The part that really had us freaking out over it is when I relit it. He asked me to show him exactly how I did it, so I did and when I thrust at the candle a flame sprang to life. To this day, despite my best efforts, I have never been able to fully repeat that experience. I've snuffed a few since then but I've never managed to relight one. Maybe I should work on that again? I haven't done the exercise in forever, our grandpa used to tell us it was a good way to exercise our spirit and to develop our focus.

I went and bought myself a new computer today, it's not a laptop like I was planning but it was worth the money. It only cost me $67 for 2.8 GHz, 512 MB, and 40 G. It's a pc that the guys in the tech department at my college refurbished and had for sale, they had some laptops but they were sold out by the time I got there. On the bright side, I have a computer to replace the p.o.s. that I was using. My old comp was on its last leg, it keeps getting worse and worse. I almost didn't get a disc out I put in the other day and it started making an obnoxious groaning sound anytime I tried to run any program, there were some things I just couldn't run because it seemed to have so much trouble with them and I was afraid it would die on me.

I'm such a dork. I logged on to facebook to find a message from my cousin that she's engaged. I haven't had a chance to meet her guy so I sent him a message on facebook to say hi. As soon as I sent the message I recognized the name and realized that we were friends back when I lived in Boone, we used to hand out and shit. I felt like such an idiot when that hit home.

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chrysanthemia
04:34 Aug 08 2010

Hurrah for us dorks!

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Today was a day. This morning I woke up thinking that I had to be to work at 11, normally when that's the case I'll jump in the shower and shave at around 9:30. 9:25 rolled around and suddenly it clicked in my head that I have to be to work at 10... So I jumped up and did a rushed shower and started getting dressed, I had trouble finding some of my work stuff, of course. As I was heading out the door for work I called to let them know I was going to be a few minutes late, it turned out I was only late by 9 minutes. Shortly after I get there the Farner Brocken truck shows up, so I started checking it in. Those guys were only half way done bringing their stuff in when the Sysco truck showed up, this was a surprise to me because as far as I was aware we only had Sysco deliveries on Mondays. So I finished checking in Farner Brocken and signed their crap, no sooner did they walk out the door with their papers and then the Sysco guy started hauling crap in. So I grabbed up the necessary papers and started checking that shit in. It didn't take long for the path in the back room to be almost completely blocked. I got finished checking everything in and signing the paperwork and then I had to train two noobs what went where and what you did with it when putting it there, for some reason there wasn't anyone but me scheduled who had ever done it before. So that was a barrel full of monkeys. As soon as we got finished with that we were hit with the lunch rush. That was interesting to say the least. At some point along the way I fell into my 'supervisor mode' and I didn't realize it for a while. I wasn't the person in charge but the person that was in charge just let me do my thing, so I guess I might as well have been.

I'm in another one of my 'fuck the world' moods. It's not that I actively wish for negative things but if they happened I wouldn't give enough of a shit to do anything about it and depending on what was happening I may even get some small satisfaction from it. Although, on a case by case basis I do actively wish for bad things to happen. I think in those situations these lyrics go a long way to describe it, "I walk around and I think if people only knew, that I wish they were cursed, that I wish them the worst, I really wish them the worst"... There are a good deal of conflicting emotions in me right now, most of them negative. Sometimes there's not really anything I can do but let myself feel what I feel and avoid acting on any desires that pop up when I'm feeling this way.



So now I drag this up from the archives of my poetry to say this once more, with feeling:



Fuck this world and fuck this life

Fuck this dull fucking knife

Fuck time as it runs out

Fuck everyone I don’t care about

Fuck these cuts on my wrist

Fuck you because I’m pissed

Fuck the blood leaving my veins

Fuck it all I feel no more pain

I have to get ready for work in about 4 minutes. The only day I have off this week is Wednesday, I'm ready for a day off. In the last 3 days I've worked around 25 hours. At least my paycheck at the end of the month is going to be pretty nice. 37 hours on last week, I'm going to have 35 this week, but I don't know what I'll get the next couple of weeks.

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SinginGhost88
16:54 Aug 02 2010

Money money money Moooney and school soon!!! =D

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I don't know just what it is about girls that are all gothed up or total rockers that makes me drool, my tongue hang out, my brain go numb, and/or my knees week but I love it. Victorian goth, cyber goth, raver chicks, and real rocker chicks... If I could date a girl like that with a great personality I'd never let her go.

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TaintedPoison
05:29 Aug 01 2010

awww thats cute

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