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I mentioned to someone that I want to get a band to use some of my lyrics. I told them there are two problems: firstly I don't know how to go about that, and the second is that even though I know how I want them to sound I really can't write the music. They told me I should try to sing thm myself. I've never thought I really sing that good but they said that I'm not too bad I just need some lessons. Hmm, maybe I should?

Remember remember the fifth of November. Remember the gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.



Awesome movie.

I feel so much better, I didn't realize how weighed down I felt until the weight was gone.

Comatose by Skillet

Sooner or Later by Switchfoot

Fighter by Christina Aguilera

Vampire Heart by H.I.M.

Rip out the Wings of a Butterfly by H.I.M.

Under the Rose by H.I.M.

Love Me or Hate Me by Lady Sovereign

Sweet Dreams by Marilyn Manson

Remedy by Seether

Headstrong by Trapt

Breathe No More by Evanescence

Carry On Dancing by Savage Garden

Buried in Oblivion by Into Eternity

Leaves Scar by Amorphis

Born from Fire by Amorphis



I just now realize that this would make a good soundtrack for the story in my head. Hmmm....

I've come to the realization that in order for me to do what I want to do, I have to do something that I really don't. I'm going togo apply for a third shift job at a local factory...ugh. I hate working at a factory as muchif not more than working at fast food. It pays soo much more though and that's what I need to meet the ends I seek. One year from now I most definitely do NOT intend to still be here. This just isn't the life for which I am meant, I'm referring to my personality not fate. Ya know, I keep hearing people say "Everything happens for a reason". I've never really believed that, now I'm starting to see some logic in it.

...angry. So angry that I... I feel calm. This is... a very new sensation for me. Or maybe, maybe it's that I'm calm despite the anger. Either way it's given me an unprecedented level of control.

...wrong. This all just feels so wrong...

I just don't FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE!!! I DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING!!!!!!! I guess that's not entirely true, I do know two things. That's all I know though. I want to be with her. I'll do my best to do so even if I'll only be a friend.

Only 'til the pain goes away.





In one of my previous posts I made the comment "Pain is my pleasure and life is my bitch!" I feel like giving some background on this.



A little over two years ago I tore up my knee, I alread had arthritis in it, you can imagine it didn't make me happy. This somehow started one of those odd conversations with one of my co-workers during which we wandered from subject to subject and each one was connected. Shortly after talking about pleasure we came to life and the pain therein

Here's the end of the conversation:



Co-worker: "...yeah, life is pain"



Me: "Exactly, and pain is my pleasure. Hmm..."



Co-worker: "What?"



Me: "Well, earlier you said 'the only way to get pleasure is from bitches'".



Co-worker: "Yeah?"



Me: "Life is pain and pain is my pleasure, but the only way to get pleasure is from bitches. That means life is my bitch".



We all started laughin' our asses off. Don't ask why but I just felt like sharing.

I hate going to sleep. I hold out and stay awake as long as I can. Why? The answer's so simple it's almost funny. I hate sleeping because I hate waking up. Why do I hate waking up? The only answer I can give that really seems to fit is that I hate this reality. I long to sleep so bad, to sleep and never wake up. Not to die, just sleep. Then again, perhaps death is just like sleep. When I go to sleep and wake up it's like the feeling you have when you get a taste of something delicious and it was just enough to make you want more. You desire it so bad it almost becomes a need. Sleep is basically that to me. The result comes to this, (quoting Poe) "Sleep, those little slices of death. How I loathe them". I'm quite sure that my reasoning is not the same as Poe's though. So here I am, fighting off what I desire so that perhaps it's absence is not so bad.



That was it, I feel a little pathetic.

Forward, that's the only way to go. I'll continue on, in the labrynth I stay. No hope, no saving rope. That's ok. I have come to see the labrynth is not bad, even with those I would still be in it. Perhaps someday I'll get to the center and the prize there, whatever that may be.

How annoying it is, the thoughts/feelings struggling with each other inside me. I still want what I have wanted. I wrote a bit in my own journal (not online) that I might post here. Last night, I'm such a coward. I fought to stay awake as long as I could. I didn't want the dreams I new would come and the resulting happiness, I knew waking would rip that from me. I want so much to be there, to be with her. I want her to be mine. I want her to be happy even more though. What do I do? One last bid.

(You may not like this Darling)







I asked for honesty, friendship, effort, and for you to do what you needed to be happy. I wanted to be there for you, I wanted to be part of your life. I said that if it were only as a friend that I would understand, that is better than not at all. I meant that, I still do. I never wanted you to walk on eggshells, I only ever wanted to understand. I do not hold back when something hurts me, I've learned that it only makes it worse to do so. Forgive me if that upsets you, me telling you you hurt me. It's not like I wanted an apology, I understood your position. I just wanted to say something so that perhaps you'd come from behind the curtain and show me the truth. For sometime you have not been honest with me, I don't know why. Do you not yet get that I don't really care if what you do hurts me as long as you are happy? Perhaps you didn't know yourself. I have known for sometime. I've known since you told me you loved me, as soon as you did you slowly started shutting me out. I'm sure you meant it, but for some reason that seamed to herald the end. I can't deny that I'm hurt, how can I not be? I do love you. Beyond this you'll not ever know my pain. Whenever you shall see me I'll be smiling, no matter the pain you make me happy. I want you to know that regardless of anything I am your friend, nothing will ever change that. Well my Darling, I have nothing else to say for now.

Is this what was bothering me the last couple days? I don't know, I really wish I did.

Last night I had a semi-new experience, it was a few things all jumbled together. First, I was aware of everything around me. That is not something I haven't felt before but this time it was a lot more enhanced. Normally I can just feel the people directly around me, it was so much beyond that. As I went out for a walk I could feel there was a child crying in one house, I was stopped by the feeling of a woman who I then noticed was two blocks away; she was sad because her and her boyfriend had just had a huge fight, every little bit of life I passed was there as though right next to me so close that their energy mingled with mine. It was amazing. The next thing was that I could feel someone who was nowhere near, like they were calling to me from a great distance. The third and final thing is that I was walking somewhere, I don't know where for I was not the one making me walk. I would describe this last bit as something akin to posession. Something or someone was propelling me forward and it took a lot of will power to make myself stop and go home. I had gone a couple miles before I managed to force myself back and then every step was a struggle. I don't know what exactly was going on, but it was a very interesting experience.

Job hunting, ugh. I think I may have found something though. I've been doing a lot of thinking, *sighs*, I wish I could talk to her. My head feels clogged, like when someone shoves a dish rag in a drain. I miss her. Well, I don't have anything else I can get out of my head to write so I'll see y'all later.

Things have been interesting since I've been back. I got my car back, I got an apartment, got a job. Things started looking up despite them not being what I wanted and the loneliness. Well, my car is goin' out on me and as a result I can't get to and think I've lost my job. I had decided to look for a different job anyway because they weren't paying me enough, they pay enough to JUST cover my bills with a few extra bucks but not enough. If my car were to break (which it is) I couldn't afford to fix it, just too much of a problem. I've run into a few old friends up here, and an ex-girlfriend. This place seems fun-free to me, odd since there's a college town 'bout half an hour away. My mom has found a cheap comp for me, yay. I won't even have to get the internet, lol. The library is right across the street from me and they have wireless internet which is set up for free public access, heh heh, and I discovered it can be accessed from my place at anytime of the day. They never shut it off! ttg, I'll post more later

.....too much as usual. hmm, I think I should figure this one out. That's currently beyond me though.

YES! I finally went up a level!

I can't wait til she comes, I don't want to wait. I'd like to just take off to there *sighs*

Last night was interesting, I've got no problem with duality in any sense since I've always dealt with it. Last night was different, I was messed up emotionally for only about 2 hours but it was enough. It wasn't a duality of emotions but instead a conflict. I don't mind duality, but I don't like conflict.

That aside, it was a good night. I had a decent night working, toward the end of my shift an old friend/sorta ex-girlfriend (we never were technically boyfriend/girlfriend, we just went out) came in and we got to talking. It was nice to see her, apparently she works a a hooka(sp?) in Ames and told me I should stop by sometime. Then on the way home I decided to have some fun. *chuckles* I just started pushin' down on the accelerator and got to goin'...fast! lol I've gone faster but it was fun none the less. I got up to 110 mph (for those who go by km/h that's about 180). I haven't tested whether or not my corsica will get as fast as the one my brother used to have, his used to top out somewhere over 130 mph. I'm tempted to find out. As I came up on boone I started slowing down, good thing too. I got clocked, thankfully I was only going 91 mph by then or I'd not be driving for a while. So I got a ticket, $160 and worth it. Like I say below, I'm tired of doing the right/rational/good thing to get nothing. It's time I had fun and got what I wanted.

It's wierd, like something just snapped in me. I feel different than I have for a long time, a lot more like the me that I liked being the most. What it seems to be.... I just don't give a fuck. I've been doing the right/good/rational thing and I've been miserable, I'm too fucking tired of it to keep it up. It's funny, over the last several months I've been on VR I've made comments in here about being me again, and yet there has been another one after them. I have been refining myself, little bits of me I didn't like or that didn't seem to fit I've been slowly removing. Each one of those comments I've made have been when I've made a leap forward in achieving my goal, I have made another and pretty much the last. I know there is one more step, but I'm working that one out. As it is now I want to say fuck it to everything here: my bills, work, and the people that I've allowed to help hold me here. I want to take off with no more than a last minute word to them and go where I want, and this isn't that want that is just a desire that I don't really want. I REALLY want to do this. Fuck being rational and responsible, that's why I'm so miserable now, because I was rational.

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I lie motionless every morning thinking, pondering the point of existence. What is the point of life? What is the point of wondering? Does it really matter why? I live, shouldn't that be enough? No, I want more. I want happiness, I want fun, I want a life that does not exist, and I want... Over time, thinking these things over and over again, I've managed to work some of it out for myself. I know why I exist, but I had to choose for myself. The point of wondering is because it's my nature, to turn my back on it would be pointless. Yes and no, it does matter why because I have made it so, otherwise I doubt it would.



Well, there ya have it. Don't ask what made me write this, I'm not even sure it's accurate. It is just what happened to be running through my mind and as such it probably isn't a good representation. In fact, I doubt if I were to read it tomorrow that I'd agree with it, oh well.

I'm still trying to get things caught up/organized/done. It's taking longer than I would like, it would probably help if I could hold my mind in better order. It seems determined to be chaotic than usual despite my best efforts. I think I need to do a sort of human re-boot, not sure how to pull that one off though. Ok, I actually have a pretty good idea how but... There are actually a couple ways, the best (for me that is) would probably be to just let it all out... Not the best idea though. That aside, it's amazing how much just hearing someone's voice can affect you, how much better it can make things seem. I've been thinkning that to help keep myself busy I should turn more to writing, and not just poetry and the other things I've been writing. I'm thinking that perhaps I should turn my skills and what-not to research pieces, maybe even journalism. For now I'm trying to pic a topic to research and write about, then maybe find a magazine or something who'd be interested in my work. I've also decided to start trying to market my poetry and short stories to magazines who buy such work, just gotta get goin on it. Well, later.

If only people could see what's in my mind. I have the greatest fantasies, the worst horrors, the most intriguing mysteries, and so much more. The world would probably enjoy what it is that I have up there, I just wish I didn't have to keep thinking it....