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I'm so unhappy. Right this moment, I just don't feel like anything is worth it.

Today was an odd day. I had no energy from the start. Unfortunately, I had to work. Work was steady, and I was a little out of it. It got worse as my shift went on. After about 5 hours, I was almost totally gone in the head. Then, I suddenly got a burst of energy and was really hyper around 6 (7 hours into my shift). It was insane... Actually, I was insane. The night went fast after that. Then, we were closed. I'm home now, and I'm hungry. I'm about to sit back, relax with some help, and have dinner.



On another note... I have to go to the doctor on Monday. It seems I may have a hernia. *sigh* I'm not happy about that prospect. It may be that I just strained or bruised something internally. However, my mother was working with me today, and I mentioned the issue. Naturally, I won't live it down if I don't have myself checked out.

I find it amusing that, except for the 2 mile run, I could pass the Army's PT test better now than I could when I was at basic. I'm really out of shape these days, but I've got good muscle tone under the fat.

Damn it! I really need a good lay.

I'm made aware of how different I am from other people almost constantly. Most of the time, I don't mind it. In fact, I usually like it. There are times that it makes me feel like an outcast though.

I woke up in the middle of a dream last night about vomitting straight stomach acid on some people. When i woke up, I could feel a burn in the back of my throat and sinuses that felt like it doesn when you burp up on an empty stomach. I got up and drank some water to make it feel better, but it didin't do anything for my sinuses. So, I snorted some water to wash it out. That helped a bit.



That was at about 4 a.m. I went to back to bed right after that and fell asleep quickly. When I woke up again at 9, I felt totally fine. I certainly didn't feel like I'd burned my throat with stomach acid. I've had that happen before, and I've always felt it for almost a whole day.



Now, I'm left wondering if I actually woke up and did all that, or if I had one of those experiences where you wake up in a dream but are actually still dreaming. It's bizarre, and there's no way I can know for sure.

I really like feeling attractive, and I have never felt more attractive than I have the last few days since I started wearing eye liner. I've been told I'm sexy, hot, and tasty. It's not like I haven't been complimented like that before, but never this much in as short a period of time. I like that. I also like that people around here seem to accept it even though I'm the only guy around here doing it. For some reason, it also seems to have made certain people around here more accepting of my... oddness. It's cool.

Holy cow. I don't know if there's any better end to a long, exhausting day that I can think of. I came home, had some food, got stoned while hanging out with my friend and watching a movie, and had a fucking spectacular neck rub. It felt sooooooo good. You have no clue. I've been half asleep since then.

I was pokin' around on pof a bit ago, and I was surprised to run across somebody I know. Actually, it's a girl who's a friend of my cousin, and I used to have a big crush on her.

I've decided I like the look of me wearing eyeliner and mascara. I think I'll do this more often now.

Today was my midterm for Critical Thinking. Unfortunately, I couldn't remember some of the answers. In my defense, this IS the first day back after Spring Break. The real issue is that the teacher says we are never to leave any answers blank on any of our tests. So... Since I couldnt' actually answer some of them, I was a smart ass. On one, we were supposed to draw some communication model that was discussed in class, but I don't even remember that (it was probably one of the days I was sick). My solution? "My drawing is ninja. You can't see it, but it's here." Heh heh heh I can't be held responsible for this. He DID tell us we might get credit for making him laugh if we couldn't remember an answer.

What to do? This is one of those times when logic tells me I should be in bed, but I know I wouldn't be able to sleep. Also, I feel the need to be active too much right now to want to lie down.

2 Weeks by All That Remains and Invincible by Adelitas Way.



Hell.



Yeah.

I just got back from a walk. I was out for about 1 hour. I was rockin' out to my music like none other. I actually spent at LEAST half the time dancing. It felt so good. I feel so amazing right now. I would still be out there, but I was about to piss my pants. That, and the battery on my Mp3 player died. It's on the charger now. I hope it will be charged enough for me to go on another walk before too long. The night is wonderful. As the people are going to bed, the world is waking up.

*sigh* It's been a good day.

It's 4:30 in the afternoon, and I'm stoned and buzzed. Ah, what a good day.

I feel like I'm running in circles while beating my head against a brick wall.

GAH! Fuckin' phone! My cell's all screwed up, and it's taking WAY too much effort to get it fixed. I'm half tempted to say fuck it and get a new phone, but I can't really afford a new phone right now. *sigh*

It was a long day today. It was a little stressful but good. This was the first shift that I was fully in charge of, and we were busy. The people working with me had my back though, and that made it easier than it could have been.

I was going to come home, take a shower, and then head out to try to have some fun tonight. Now I'm not so sure about that plan. I think I just want to stay home and relax. I have to open tomorrow and stay late.

I got to sleep in my new bed last night! It was great! Plus, I just made my bed! It's a good feeling.



On a side note: Why is it called "making the bed" when you straighten out the covers? You're not actually making anything.

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Joli
16:40 Mar 16 2011

Since I'm from New Orleans, my first thought goes to French. We have sme odd colloquial sayings here based on translations from French. For example, some of our old folks still say that they are "making groceries" when they go to the supermarket. That's from a literal translation of the French, "faire les courses."



In french, you also "fait ton lit." Make your bed.

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placidchaos
19:48 Mar 16 2011

Hmmm... That's interesting. So it's a cross-cultural deal.

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I'm excited to start getting put in charge of shifts at work. I've already learned the opening and closing procedures. This is nice.



I finished reading my book today. It was good, but the ending left me looking forward to the next book. Now that I read the latest Rachel Morgan book, I can't wait for the next Dresden Files book in July.

Oi... What a day. Last night (3/13-3/14), I wasn't able to get myself to sleep until after 5. Then I had to get up at 9 because I had to open at work. I worked the shift, came home and chilled, and then went back for my second shift and learned the closing procedures. Right after work, I ran to Wal-Mart to buy a futon so I have a bed.



I just spent the last few hours putting the damn thing together, but I don't even get to sleep in it tonight. I'm not able to tighten everything down properly because I'm lacking a decent screwdriver. *sigh* I'm not the happiest camper in the world at the moment.



Just to top the night off, I'm feeling as sleepless right now as I was this same time last night. I've noticed an interesting trend here. For certain reasons, my sex drive has been higher than usual (you little vixen!). At the same time, both my desire and my need for sleep seem to have dropped dramatically, while my appetite has sky rocketed. I need to eat in the same way I need some amazing sex. Strange.

Have you ever seen a lion pacing in its cage, staring at you like it wants to eat you? Yeah. That's how I feel right now.

The past few days, I've been addicted to the song Invincible by Adelitas Way.

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Selkie
21:43 Mar 12 2011

Awesome song love it too :P

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Spring break should be good. I'll be working a few more hours, and I'm getting put in charge of a couple of shifts. I'm likin' it. Plus, it will give me some extra time to do a couple of things I'm wanting/needing to get around to.

That was a good night. My friend came over and we just hung out and talked mostly. I gave her a back rub, a foot rub, and a leg rub just because. I got a neck rub later, and I was in heaven. I like how there's no real tension between us. That's what makes our friendship so laid back I think.

Holy shit! I just got soooo lucky. I was driving home from picking some shit up for a friend. I wasn't even a block from the place when I see a cop coming from the opposite direction. As they pull closer, they flashed their lights at me. It was then I realized I didn't have my headlights nor my seatbelt on... Plus, I don't have my proof of insurance in my car. I'd have been so fucked if they'd have pulled me over. Instead, they decided to be a nice guy and warn me that my headlights were off. I have never loved a cop so much in my life.

The college I attend has a "Wednesday Night Movie" that's usually free, like tonight, and I went to see it with some friends. It was Burlesque. It was awesome. Certainly, it's a movie worth seeing.

Right before class, I started feeling cranky and impatient. I decided to skip. I knew I shouldn't really skip, but I just didn't feel like sitting in class. Then I decided to let my friend know so she wouldn't wonder if I was ok or something. I knew when I did that she would say something that would keep me from skipping... I was right. I didn't skip. lol I'd forgotten that we had a test today, but she reminded me.

I'm really fuckin' lonely right now. I'd love nothing more than somebody to cuddle with right now.

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slipknotbabe356
05:25 Mar 09 2011

I know how you feel

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Ugh. Something I ate yesterday is messin' with me today.

I'm thinking about getting a new phone. I've been looking at Verizon since they seem to have the best offers. The funny thing is, their cheapest prepaid plan is more expensive than their cheapest monthly plan. How bizarre.

I should get up to go to bed, but I don't want to. For one thing, it feels like too much work right now. For another, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.

I had something pointed out to me that I hadn't realized at first. I've been self-medicating with weed. Aside from making me feel really good when I'm high, it helps even me out. If you knew how intense and swiftly changing my emotions are right now, it would probably disturb you to think of me when I don't have something to level me a bit. I really don't think most people have any idea of just how much self control I perform constantly. I sometimes wonder, if people truly knew, would they be impressed at my will or scared of what it keeps in check?

I had a talk with my friend Rachael tonight. There were just a couple of things I had to say because not saying them was driving me nuts. Despite the disappointing nature of certain things said and realized, I feel good about it being said.



I also came to a couple of realizations. I am crazy about her, but I'm not in love with her. Though, I do love her. It's more because I'm so lonely, we're so close, and I do feel affection toward her that I've felt the desire for her. You see, being lonely really does hurt. When I'm around her, I'm not as lonely. I crave the absence of that pain, and I know I could find that if I dated her. That's not the right reason, and it wouldn't be fair to either of us. Admitting that really sucks because it takes away that hope I had that she would take away the loneliness, and that makes me feel more lonely. *sigh*



On the other hand, the talk was good for both of us, and I oddly think it brought us a little closer. We both got stuff off our chests, and we both can stop worrying about whether or not I'm going to make a move on her. Although, I do really wish she could be someone I could have what I want with. If that makes any sense.







So... I really hate being single. Something I want more than I can really say is to love and be loved. More than that, to be loved as much as I love. I also want passion. Without love, I just feel lonely, and that makes me feel empty and in pain. Feeling the pain and emptiness makes me sad and depressed. Then we rinse and repeat. It's a very horrible cycle. Bah. Moving on now.

My weekend was less than productive in a practical sense. There were things I was planning to do that I didn't get to. I had some housework to do, a bit of laundry, and I should have done some drawing homework. I just didn't have it in me this weekend, but that's ok. I can do it all over the next few days.



On the other hand, I took care of other needs this weekend. I recovered in a serious way from different shit. Over the last week or maybe slightly more, I went from being an emotional wreck to feeling amazing. Not only am I not suffering from keeping shit inside, but I'm also in control now.

I was talking to a girl I work with today, and I found out that she has never had an orgasm. Not once. She says she gets uncomfortable trying to do it herself, and nobody's done it for her. This is a problem I can empathize with a bit.



So... Now I really want to get her off. I like getting people off, and since I've got a similar problem, it makes me want to do it for her. It's not like I'm after sex. In fact, I would much prefer to do it without sex first and move on to sex after that if she wants to. I'm not sure how to go about bringing this up to her though. I don't want to give the impression that I'm just trying to get with her, although... I suppose that is technically what I'm trying to do, but it's different.

I got a little messed up again last night. The same girls from Friday night came over to chill again. After that, they took me to a party. It was pretty fun.



I didn't get to bed this morning until almost 4. I have to work a 9 hour shift starting at 11:30 today too. This might be a really long day. Totally worth it though.

I didn't really notice this until tonight, but being high makes me really horny.

Oh lordy. I'm still not fully recovered from last night, and I'm supposed to party some more tonight. I've never run into this kind of issue, but I've never really partied before either. This should be interesting. Tonight will be a blast.

I got so fucked up last night. I was up until 4:20 (unintentional but awesome) getting high with these two chics from school. They came over around 10. We watched a bunch of different shows on my computer, and we kept showing each other new music. We also talked about random shit. They introduced me to this game where you have to say a color when someone burps, and whoever is last has to make a sex noise. It was funny. The one girl kept on not saying a color, she wasn't paying enough attention.



I figured out a way of taking a hit off a pipe without actually putting my lips to it, and I kept accidentally taking bigger hits than I meant to. I got so high. The one girl was really cute. I wonder if she's single? Anyway, I just got up a minute ago. I woke up a little before 10, but it took me a while to actually get out of bed.



There were a couple of their friends that were going to come over too, but it never happened. I'm not sure I mind. We'd have ended up smoking more I'm sure, and I was already fucked up by then.

What a bad ass night. A class mate and a friend of hers came over to chill. We sat around smokin', watching stuff, and listening to music. It was fun as hell, and they just left. Totally awesome.

There's nothing quite like this feeling. I am unstoppable.

Interesting. I've discovered that getting out some of my aggression triggers something like a manic phase. It feels good. It makes me feel powerful.

I just looked up some info on mono. I found out that I may or may not be contagious, and there's really no way to tell... Nice. Also, I had to have caught this about a month ago.

What an interesting and strange night.

Hmmm... I'm thinking about taking some video at the next variety show Players will be doing to post online. That might be interesting.

Is it strange that I don't know how tall I am?



The last time I was measured was a little over 2 years ago. At that time, I was 5'8". The other day, I was standing next to someone who is 5'8" and apparently measured within the last month. I was taller than them... It would seem that I've grown.

I was talking to the doctor because I've been having trouble with dehydration lately. I've been drinking so much water that I haven't been able to eat properly, but I'm still not getting enough. I didn't know what would cause this problem. I've had this before because of my sodium deficiency, but that was when I'd cut a lot of salt out of my diet. I haven't cut any salt out of my diet recently though. Through talking to the doctor, I figured out what the problem is. I cut soda pop from my diet. Considering that cafeine is a diuretic, that doesn't seem to make much sense, but it does when you consider the sodium in the pop. By cutting soda pop from my diet, I unintentionally cut a bunch of sodium from my diet. Lovely. I don't know how to put that back into my diet without drinking soda though. This does explain why I've been craving Barq's rootbeer lately.

I'm still struggling. I'm doing good in all my classes except for drawing. I've fallen a little behind in that one, but it's not anything I can't catch up. I've been struggling outside of school more though. Between being depressed and getting sick so much, is it any wonder?



Lately, I've felt like I've been overwhelmed by despair. I've felt like nothing I do matters. I've felt more lonely too. I've been feeling worthless and unwanted. It seems like I'm never the person someone picks. I'm always second if I am. People keep telling me I'm creepy. I see people around campus avoid me when I'm walking, even when I make it a point to look friendly. When I go to class, everybody avoids sitting by me. There's always a buffer of empty seats. It may be a little lame, but that hurts. I find myself wondering all the time, "Why am I not good enough?"



I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of being screwed over. I'm tired of finishing behind everyone else. I'm tired of life. I can't bring myself to commit suicide. Yes, I've tried. There are one or two reasons to live that are just too strong to overcome. On the other hand, I was recently given a path to change. Even though I still feel like shit, I can see a little hope for something different.

Shit. I have mono.

Knowing me today does not guarantee that you'll know me tomorrow.

I find it interesting how vocalizing aggression gives me some extra oomph when exerting myself physically.

I need a bed. I really should stop sleeping on the floor. I think that might be part of the trouble I've been having with getting sick. Unfortunately, there's no way in hell I'm paing $400 for a new bed. Not to mention that I have no way of shipping that from the nearest furniture store to my apartment. There's a used furniture store in a town near here, but... I STILL wouldn't have a way to get a fuckin' bed home!

I had a kind of epiphany this morning. I've been struggling with depression really bad lately. I thought it was just because I'm lonely and bummed over my lack of having a life. I realized today that a large part of it is my anger. I have REALLY bad anger issues and aggression issues as a result. For the most part, I just suppress it all to keep it under control. I was not a pleasant person to be around before I started doing that. All that anger and aggression, without an outlet, is turning into depression. So, I really need to find an outlet. I've always had a couple of things I do to get it out, but now I know that they're simply not enough. I typically just exercise or go for a walk with my music. What I really need is some form of violence. Just hitting a punching bag would be a great help.

FUCK! I'm sick AGAIN!!!! They say I have tonsilitus. Lovely. They gave me a z pack. That'll take care of it hopefully.

Since I've been using the nasal spray like I'm supposed to, my sinuses have been draining instead of being stuffed up. Unfortunately, they've been draining down the back of my throat. Mostly, this as only been a nuisance because I have to hack up phlegm more often than I'd like. I woke up with a new problem this morning. My throat's really irritated, and my tonsils are swollen. I'm having trouble deciding if I should go to the nurse or not.

Hmmm... What a great night. My friend came over and we talked for a bit, got stoned, drank a little, and watched a movie. Once I started getting a buzz, I did something I've been wanting to do but have been too chicken shit to initiate. I sat next to her and cuddled with her. I know, not that big of a deal, but... It was nice. It's still not like we're a couple or anything, but it was still nice. I think it's cool that she was ok with that even though she doesn't want a relationship. It's sort of like fwb, but with affection instead of sex.

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isis1338
07:43 Mar 13 2011

as long as your satisfied then sit back and enjoy :)

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