The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

So today I went to a university's college of architecture planning and design career exploration, which is where the professors tell you what you could potentially do with their degree, to persuade us to apply for their college. Before I went in there I kinda thought that I knew what I wanted to do, but after thinking about it I have changed what I wanted to do. Before I went, I wanted to be an architect but some people had asked me this week exactly why I wanted to be an architect and I couldn't give them an answer. With that in mind I went to this thing. I think I found a new future occupation, product design. The guy that presented it made it sound very fun and I got really excited when they showed their fashion show that they had one girl made this beautiful corset. I think I would really enjoy doing that and that I would be rather good at it. If anyone reads this, I would like some advice. Or if anyone prefers art college over regular college. I don't know what I want to do or what to do. Any advice is welcome

Beware, darkness can hide behind innocent eyes

Friends?



Oh, I have friends .



Who?



Umm… You wouldn’t know them, now would you? I barley know them myself. They come without names. They are what you feel bump your soul every once-in-a-while. They are the spirits we sometimes forget about. The lost souls. Most call them ghosts; they are just the lost souls of kittens to me. I take care of them and they take care of me. I think that they can foresee the future, give me warnings a second ahead in time when I need to move to stop something from falling. I like them, they have helped me get up and get dressed in the morning and have sheltered my good heart as if they were made of diamond. Sometimes one of them is bad and it hurts me, the others try to stop it but they are always too late they have always left me damaged, somehow. But, yeah, they are my friends.



I meant real friends.



Oh, haha, I have two of those one is named Alyssa and the other Rheanna. Rheanna my best friend we hang out some times together. We go to the mall and the movies and each other’s houses. We’re pretty chill. I only see Alyssa at school.

When my parents tell me that i can't do everything by myself i don't know what to think. Most of my battles have to be fought internally and i'm fighting the battles that they set me up for, they have never seen them though. They don't know how I feel, will they ever? When they spit words like depression and suicide and goth like dirt from their jaws.



I'm the smartest of three kids. I'm also the over emotional one, the one who cries too much, the one "headed to darkness". The one who tried to tell them that they have a mental illness and they didn't fucking listen. Well they did listen, they listened to my words when i talked. I didn't call it depression because i was scared. They still told me the same shit that they have been telling me since that day:



"lose some weight, it will be better"

"find your passion"

"do something with your life"

"get your homework done on time so that you don't have to stress about it"

And the real kicker:



"don't go toward darkness go towards light" (apparently it is biblical and he said "the bible even says ...")

"stop wearing so much black"

"stop wearing dark makeup"

Basically, what my dad told me was to stop doing stuff he didn't like.



This was all last November- ish.



I hate this story because I did want the attention, I even said that I wanted a therapist, but nothing changed and nothing came out of it. I kind of internalize everyone of my problems now, only if it gets bad do I say any thing, I needed a laptop for school since august, only recently did i ask my supervisor to help me find one. My grades suffered and so did I.

In the month of November I was sad, I couldn't focus and I cried a lot, though I kept a straight face through school. I also lost one of my so-called friendships. I also thought about running away a lot.

In the month of December I was gone, nothing could bring me down, I distracted myself. I looked like I was studying but really I was doing something else. Then came finals week. I wasn't ready for it and my grades will tell you that. The last day of finals week brought two finals, one was a 40 minute presentation in a class called Theory of Knowledge and a final in mathematics, which I hadn't done a units worth of homework for. The night before, or early morning before, I lost all hope of wanting anything, I knew I was going to fail both. But I couldn't do it. I hadn't wanted to die, if that is what you are thinking, I just wanted to use the pills to make me sick, so I wouldn't have to do anything the next day so that I wouldn't have to go to school and so that i wouldn't fail my presentation partners. But, I couldn't do it I couldn't swallow the pills because I didn't want to die, I just wanted to leave for a while. To remind myself what I felt, I drew five lines with a carpet blade on my thigh and I fell asleep.

I woke up the next day, and I thought about what I had done. I realized that no matter how bad I failed my test or my presentation, I would never fail as much as I could have failed by taking those pills. I really wanted to tell someone that line the next day, but that would involve telling someone that I had thought about harming myself in such a way that I could have very well died, and i couldn't have that. So, i went through the next day with my secret written on my legs and that secret hurt and burned and I could see it through my jeans. The test wasn't as bad as I thought It would have been and the presentation was moved to another day.

Winter break, I was numb, I wasn't in the Christmas spirit at all. I didn't want any presents, I did want to give presents, though. Then, came going back to school time. The first week I was sad and it got so bad that I didn't even try to hide it. My supervisor person noticed even, and he only saw me in the hall twice. People kept asking me what was wrong, people thought I was crying when i wasn't. The Tuesday after that week, I had thought that my brother left me at school (he hadn't). The truth is that I think I wanted myself to feel like I was abandoned and I didn't call anyone and I took the ride that was offered to me by my art teacher and she took me home. when i got there I didn't have a key and so I stood out in the cold until my brother came home. There were a number of things that I could have done to stay warm, we even had a spare key to get into the house. I told my mom and we (my dad, my mom, my brother and I) all sat and talked. Mostly it was all doing, I needed to communicate before I made any decisions and that I needed to not get emotional and think things through before jumping to conclusions. There was also the fact that I try to be independent and not tell my parents what is going on in my life. Oh yeah, and "don't stray towards darkness (It's biblical!)" I almost threw my plate of salsa against the wall at that. So much for the "meaningful" conversation, dad.



Anyways, I'm still wondering how long a year and a half is and if I will ever want to come back after i make my home some where else.



So, I just let some stuff out that I would keep in, so I feel better now. Thanks for reading, sorry if it is sad and I don't really mean to be that way.

Who ever told me that high school would be easy and fun deserves to be shot. Not really, maybe punched in the face really really hard, though.