The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Hmmmp, I didn't even notice...
09:50 Mar 28 2006
Times Read: 568

I was just looking at a forum thread, saw my name, and wow. I have gone up yet another level. I think I'm getting the hang of this.

Yes, My Life Is This Sad...
15:31 Mar 27 2006
Times Read: 577


...so sad that I'm going to dedicate another entry to a video game; Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas



Helicopter Co-Pilot: Hey, I can see my house from here!

Helicopter Pilot: Will you shut the fuck up?



Lianne Forget - Talk Radio: After months, all bridges have been reopened. Bone County, Tierra Robada, and Las Venturas County are now linked up with the rest of the state. Locals celebrated by mass outbreaks of xenophobia and inbreeding.



Carl Johnson: Any last requests?

Officer Pulaski: Yeah... can I fuck your sister?

Carl Johnson: You an asshole to the end. Punk motherfucker.



Zero: As long as we have opposable thumbs, we will fight you!



Sweet Johnson: You're dressed like a hooker!

Kendl: You two would know what a hooker looks like.

Carl Johnson: You say that like it's a bad thing.



Police Officer: I'm kicking names and taking ass! No... wait.



James Pedeaston: Hello, you're on the Wild Traveler.

caller: I'm on a cliff.

James Pedeaston: How romantic!

caller: I want to jump.

James Pedeaston: Yes, I know. Jump into the unknown. How can it be a sin if it feels so good? Anyway, what is your question?

caller: Why am I here?

James Pedeaston: I dunno, why are you there? Where are you? Kenya?

caller: No, I'm in Verdant Bluffs.

James Pedeaston: Oh, loathsome place. I'd jump if I were you.

caller: I want to go to hell.

James Pedeaston: Me too! Buy a refrigerator magnet when you get there.

Gregg The Grim Reaper
14:31 Mar 27 2006
Times Read: 582


That's right folks, a whole entry solely to the funniest game of all time: Conker's Bad Fur Day. Pity it came out on Nintendo 64, eh?



Professor: "Duct-tape"? I'll give him a fuckin' "Duct-tape"! I come down with the fuckin' duct-tape, and I'll show him where to stuff it, up his fuckin' ass! Stupid asshole! All I do is come down and solve his fuckin' problems and he gives me the fuckin' duct-tape! Stupid fucker! I hate that guy!



Gargoyle: Have you ever sat on a piece of gothic architecture for 200 hundred years, it gets right up your ass you know.



King Bee: You know, in my own country, I am a king!

Conker: Oh, really?

King Bee: Yeah... that bitch threw me out. Apparently, the hive keeps getting stolen. I don't care. Couldn't fit in the fucking thing anyway, seen how fat she is... bitch!



The Boss: There are two ways of doin this, my way or its a he'a a dead motherfucker way. Take your pick.



The Boss: When that bomb goes off, I suggest you leave town. And if you don't pull through... I suggest you leave town...



Tedi 1: Really, that's incredible...

Tedi 2: I mean, what if you were to give this game to, say... twenty intelligent people, honestly, what would that do? You see, what would that do?

Tedi 1: Yes, that's very interesting...

[Conker comes in with machine guns]

Tedi 2: What the fuck? It's that bloody squirrel! Quick! Get into character!

[Tediz make mindless snarling noises]



Gregg: Conker! Conker! Conker! Yes you, boy! You're dead! You are dead! Dead as a do... dead as a... I can't be arsed with this bloody, ridiculous contraption! Whose idea was this anyway? (pause) Right... hello... um... my name's Gregg... the Grim Reaper, and don't laugh!

Conker: Aren't you a little short to be a Grim Reaper?

Gregg: Well, how many Grim Reapers have you met before, mate? Well, what am I supposed to look like?

Conker: Yeah... that's a good point, and well made.

Gregg: Now... let's see... ah yes, Conker. Surname?

Conker: The Squirrel.

Gregg: The Squirrel... the... oh bloody hell, you would have to be a sodding squirrel, wouldn't you?

Conker: Why? Is there a problem with that?

Gregg: Well yes there is, actually! It's like those bloody cats! Such a pain in the arse! You're one of these special cases!

Conker: Oh really!

Gregg: Yes! Apparently, according to the powers that be... I'm just doing my job. I do what I'm told, and don't even get paid very much. Apprently, squirrels can have as many lives as they think they can get away with!

Conker: Oh, I see! So I'm not dead!

Gregg: You're dead, but not quite.

Conker: Huh! Right! I'll be off then!

Gregg: Tsuh! Just you wait, smartarse! You don't get out of that easily. Now, the thing is, you may not be dead, but that doesn't mean you can't die. You just have a few more, shall we say, chances. Yeah. Like cats! I hate those things! Right! Distributed around your little world are these tail things! Squirrels' tails. If you can get them, I'll give you an extra chance, understand?

Conker: Um... well... sounds a bit strange, but okay.

Gregg: Strange? It's the best bloody deal you're going to get, you little prick! Right! That's it! Piss off! I've got some cats to see! Bloody things... I hate those bloody cats... the way they meow and they piss everywhere... and their shit smells just bloody awful... (mumbles)

Video Game Quotes
14:12 Mar 27 2006
Times Read: 583


Just like movies, only worth my time.



Killzone

Hakha: Given time, even a monkey can write Shakespeare.

Rico: What the fuck is a Shakespeare.



Metal Gear Solid

Meryl: How old are you?

Solid Snake: Old enough to know what death looks like.



Metal Gear Solid 2

President Johnson: Even if a pawn becomes a queen, it is still just a playing piece...



President Johnson: Without free will, there's no difference between submission and rebellion.



Solid Snake: It's not whether you were right or wrong, but how much faith you were willing to have, that decides the future.



Red Faction II

Male Voice 1: [about the "processed"] d'you think those things have... sex?

Male Voice 2: Hard up for a date, aren't ya?



The Getaway

Jake Jolson: I thought I told you to stay put.

Mark Hammond: What do you think I'm doing, moron? I'm looking for my kid.

Jake Jolson: [to Eyebrows and Walter] What did he call me?

Big Walter: A Mormon.

Jake Jolson: What the fuck's that?

Grievous: You know, Mormon - them bible-bashers that come round knocking on your door telling you that Jesus is a fucking Yank.

Movie Quotes
04:44 Mar 26 2006
Times Read: 594


I just thought I would compile a list of interesting movie quotes, because I can. I'll probably just keep adding to it.



Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

If I'm not back in five minutes.....wait longer.



The Addams Family

Girl Scout: Is this made from real lemons?

Wednesday: Yes.

Girl Scout: I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?

Pugsley: Yes.

Girl Scout: I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?

Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?



Collateral

Vincent: Max, six billion people on the planet, you're getting bent out of shape cause of one fat guy.

Max: Well, who was he?

Vincent: What do you care? Have you ever heard of Rwanda?

Max: Yes, I know Rwanda.

Vincent: Well, tens of thousands killed before sundown. Nobody's killed people that fast since Nagasaki and Hiroshima. Did you bat an eye, Max?

Max: What?

Vincent: Did you join Amnesty International, Oxfam, Save the Whales, Greenpeace, or something? No. I off one fat Angelino and you throw a hissy fit.

Max: Man, I don't know any Rwandans.

Vincent: You don't know the guy in the trunk, either.



Death To Smoochy

(Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped Cookie made by Randolph])

Randolph: What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.



Dogma

Bethany: You were martyred?

Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by huge fucking rocks.



Loki: The last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do that next best thing.

Bartleby: What's that?

Loki: Let's kill people.

[Lady next to Loki spits out her coffee]

Loki: [to lady] Oh, not you.



Bethany: Wait a minute. Christ. You know Christ?

Rufus: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!



Jay: Guys like us just don't fall out of the fucking sky, you know.

[Rufus falls out of the sky]

Jay: Beautiful, naked, big-titted women just don't fall out of the sky, you know.



Team America

Kim Jong Il: Now you see, the changing of the world is inevitabre!

Lisa: I'm sorry, it's what?

Kim Jong Il: Inevit, inevitabre.

Lisa: One more time.

Kim Jong Il: Inevitebre! Jesus Christ, open your fucking ears!



Gary Johnston: OK, a limosine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.

Spottswoode: Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?

Gary Johnston: No.

Spottswoode: So then, you haven't seen everything.



Guy in Bar: See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!



The Killing Of America

Narrator: While you watched this movie, five of us were murdered. One was the random killing of a stranger.

Holy shit, it's another...
12:00 Mar 25 2006
Times Read: 601

Sorry, but I nearly fell of my chair laughing when I saw this quiz.



If I die it will be to the tune of manical laughter and a mushroom cloud.

Concepts
07:46 Mar 25 2006
Times Read: 602

Everything that isn't a physical reality is a concept. They aren't good or bad, they just are.



Eg: Time, Distance, Weight, etc.



They aren't real, they are something we created to make life easier. And they do. But they are just concepts.



A mile is just something we've been taught to recognise. It isn't real, it is just a concept which we all agree on.



Eg: Let's say that a road is 1 mile long. If the concept of a mile didn't exist, the road would be a road nether the less.



As are places. They are physical things, but they would be regardless of whether we had a name for them or not. It just makes life easier.



Furthermore, emotions are half-concepts; they exist, but in different forms. They don't make life easier, in fact, they complicate it.



They are named and divided into little groups which people are taught to recognise. But they are also real, physical occurences.



The ultimate concept is that of thought. It isn't a physical thing, but it can be labelled, boxed and shelved by those who want to make life easy (can you blame them?).



They are the birthplace of concepts.



So don't be controlled by concepts; don't restrict yourself to a time, a distance, a weight. A feeling, a place, a thought.



Because in the end, they don't exist, they are just concepts.





P.S: "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." - John Lennon

The first shitty test to appear in my blog:
09:19 Mar 19 2006
Times Read: 607

You Are 84% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you!

Jesus was a Dalai Lama
08:48 Mar 19 2006
Times Read: 608

Think about it, three wisemen from the East turn up at his birth.



He was increadibly smart as a boy, lecturing priests.



He dissappears to the East in his late teens, possibly to undertake training.



He returns, teaching Buddhist ideals of equality, etc.



Buddhist's have God and the Holy Spirit. Christian's have have the Holy Spirit too.



Judaism doesn't because it preceded Christianity.



Christian, Catholic, Jewish and Muslim faith all comes from the same region, and all believe in the same God.



Theirscriptures are even written the same way.



The Roman-Catholics removed reincarnation (a Buddhist ideal) from the new texts to encourage good behaviour in this life.



Correct me if I'm wrong, but the guy was a Buddhist, if not the Dalai Lama of the times.





I believe there is something more to life than just this, we obviously all do since we're on this site together. But I don't believe a hipocritical priest is going to tell me what it is.





I would start a forum on this, but it isn't related to much here, and I'm sure it's been done before.

Aha!
05:32 Mar 19 2006
Times Read: 609


Yeah, that's right.



Bow down to the master.



I am one more level up.



Oh yeah.



Break it down.



Double dizzle my shizzle da kizzle.





(And no, I don't know what I just said either)

Chuck Norris
12:32 Mar 18 2006
Times Read: 612

Thanks to http://www.4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck for making me lauch for nearly an hour.



Here's why:



Top 100 Facts for Chuck Norris



Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.



Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.



When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.



Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.



Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.



Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.



Chuck Norris can speak braille.



Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.



The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.



If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.



Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.



If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.



Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".



Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."



Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.



Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.



Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.



When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.



Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.



Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.



Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.



The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.



At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.



Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.



Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.



A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.



Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.



Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.



Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.



Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.



Chuck Norris can divide by zero.



Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.



We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.



Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.



They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.



A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.



Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.



The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".



Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.



Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.



Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.



When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.



Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.



Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.



Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.



Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.



Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.



The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".



When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow.



Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.



If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.



Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.



Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.



In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.



If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.



Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.



When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.



When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.



Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.



If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.



Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.



Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.



If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.



One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.



Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.



Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.



The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.



Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.



Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem.



The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.



Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.



It's no coincidence that the tattoo on Mike Tyson's face and the sole of Chuck Norris' boot share the same pattern.



Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.



Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.



Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?."



If Chuck Norris were an Olympic athlete, the Olympics would be canceled. Every four years they would just mail Chuck Norris his 237 gold medals.



When writing "Romeo & Juliet" Shakespeare originally thought about Chuck Norris to play Romeo but in the end this could not happen because no poison could kill Chuck Norris. Ever.



Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.



Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.



Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.



Chuck Norris once fought a bear simply because it dared to grow more body hair than Chuck Norris.



Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Chuck Norris has 7,483.



Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.



The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.



Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.



Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.



Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.



Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.



Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.



Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.



Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris uses Viagra eyedrops so he can look hard.



Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.



Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.



I especially loved the note at the bottom: Site best viewed with eyes.



Once again thanks to http://www.4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck

IMDb user comments for Die xue shuang xiong...
09:05 Mar 16 2006
Times Read: 618

...or as the USA titled it; The Killer.



This movie would have to be number three on my favourite action movies list, preceded by Ronin and Terminator 2.



Thanks to IMBd and especially david-bruce0 from the UK for this, it made me chuckle, even though I would rather enjoy running him through with a large pointy stabby thingy.

I have just finished watching this film and the viewing experience was akin to someone taking a crap in my TV, my god that was awful, it had all the ingredients to make a car crash of a movie, the unbelievably poor dialogue which was riddled with enough sentimentality to fill a hallmark card factory, the token pain in the ass helpless bleating woman amplified by the fact she is visually impaired and rendered even more powerless, the total mental vacation from reality, the gratuitous mindlessly repetitive shootings, John Woo managing to ensure for the duration of the film at no point the viewer ever gives a toss about any of the main characters and I'm not buying the line I started out just to kill bad guys but it's not that simple (not the actual quote), how about just not becoming an assassin in the first place, I mean are we supposed to feel sympathy for this guy after he's shot an innocent women in the face, personally I think you're a bit of an ass and maybe it's just me but an apology is just not going to cut it.



My apologies to david, and his family. We've hacked him into bite sized pieces for my pet Doberman because he forget how to use a full stop every now and then.

Goodie, goodie, gumdrops.
06:20 Mar 16 2006
Times Read: 621

Once more I have evolved into another being.



My days as a pathetic mosquito have come to an end.



And like the phoenix rises from it's ashes to be reborn so have I.



I am . . . a shadow.





P.S. And thanks to all the people that have so kindly bitten me, at this rate I won't have a neck left to speak from.



P.P.S. Yes, that's a good thing . . . well sort of.



P.P.P.S. Actually, it's not. Is it? But it's the thought that counts.



P.P.P.P.S. Is there such thing as a P.P.P.S.? Or a P.P.P.P.S. for that matter?

Newbie Survival Guide
11:24 Mar 14 2006
Times Read: 625


I found this on my local Gothic forum. Thanks to www.gothic.org.au



Author: Lobotomy (Super Moderator)

Posted on 16-5-2004 at 11:58 PM





Newbie survival guide (unofficial, uncensored & un-uber)



In my seemingly boundless arrogance and boredom and drawing both upon my observations of the social interaction between forum stalwarts and neophytes and recollections of various posting habits that shit me to tears I have decided to jot down a few hints and tips to get the forum newbloods off to an amicable start.



1) Choose a name carefully, don't try too hard to be uber-goth or uber-controversial uber-goth or uber-controversial or uber-sexy or uber-evil. It almost certainly won't work. Choose something that reflects your personality or is meaningful to you.



2) Don't use the word/prefix uber.



3) Don't post just to get your post count higher. Nobody cares. Correction, nobody worth caring about cares. The only way you will earn the respect of others is with your ideas, your emotions, humor and possibly by posting a hot picture (we're all a little shallow, sometimes).



4) Use a spelling/grammar checker. It doesn't take long.



Q) What's wrong with this sentence? I could of gone too carmillas but their where people the're who wanted to kill me because my grammar is two bad and i oun nothing black to were to.



A) It will almost certainly make the grammar Nazi contingent of the forum want to make you bleed from you eyes and rectum. They will either flame you if they are in a particularly anal/pissy mood or they will think you are a moron and silently seethe (which is arguably worse). See grammar quick ref. at bottom of post.



5) Don't pointlessly resurrect ancient and long dead threads, especially where you reply to some comment made by someone 2 years ago who has probably moved to Germany to make bleep music. This pisses people off because, the thread is probably no longer relevant and/or you could be dredging up unfortunate comments people made when they were clueless newbies,



6) Feel free to ignore this advice in part or in whole. Who the fuck am I anyway, and besides we all get a giddy thrill out of watching Thallium hunt



7) Do tell me or anyone else who tries to shove their opinions down you throat or is rude to you to get fucked! In the nicest possible way of course



Grammar quick check:

This is a rough guide to the more commonly misused forms. I have tried to use meaningful examples*

E&OE



Their/There/They're

Their - Means Something belonging to a person/group eg.. "Those girls are skanks! Just look at their poorly manufactured corsetry!"



There - Means 'that location'. eg. "You simply aren't popular enough to be seen talking to me, please go over there"

Can also be used in the for 'there are' with the meaning 'exists' eg. "There are three people in that toilet cubicle!"



They're - A contraction of 'they are'. eg "They're staring at me, did I screw one of their boyfriends or something?"



Two/Too/To

Two - Its a number (2), it comes after one(1) eg. "Yes you tart, you slept with two of their boyfriends, naaaaaa-hahahahah"



Too - Means 'as well' or 'also' eg. "Is this a Headhunter remix too?"

Can also mean excessive "One bourbon is never enough and 38 is one too many"



To - To is used as part of a verb or as a preposition eg. "I am going to request that really good Manson cover"



Where/Were/we're

Where - Means at or in what place eg. "Where has my Lip Venom gone?"



Were - Past tense plural of 'to be' eg. "We were all stuck in a K-hole last night"



We're - Contraction of 'we are' eg. "We're all sheep-shaggers in New Zealand"



Resources:

http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/

http://dictionary.reference.com/

You can do a grammar and spell check in the compose window of hotmail, under tools.



*Examples used do not necessarily in any way reflect my opinions, thoughts or actions. They may, however, be loosely based on comments overheard at various clubs

Curse this mortal realm!
05:25 Mar 14 2006
Times Read: 629

All I wish to do is curse this pathetic little planet with a simple

PLAGUE OF DEATH



But I couldn't just conjure one up could I. I have to go to Higher Education for four years. And get a degree in Microbiology.



Curse this planet.



Curse this universe.



Curse this mortal realm.



Hang on...



Wasn't it a curse what got me psychotically paranoid in the first place.



ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!



P.S. No planets, universes or other realms of existence were harmed in the making of this journal entry.

The Change
06:43 Mar 13 2006
Times Read: 633

The Change has begun. Not from this mortal coil into something meanigful. But from Whelp to Mosquito. The beginning of the end is nigh...

You May Be A Vampire If...
21:38 Mar 11 2006
Times Read: 634

Many thanks to dragonkeeper49 for this amazing topic. What follows is a rather selfish review of how I relate to each "symptom" for want of a better word.



1) You have a strong desire for and/ or stimulation by blood: no, not at all.



2) You have a nameless craving that can never quite be filled: yes, constantly.



3) People you get close to tend to become tired, weary and upset a lot around you: yes.



4) People tend to find you interesting at first, then begin to avoid you: yes.



5) Even when surrounded by others you always feel alone: yes, even when I am talking to them.



6) Sunlight/bright-light in general hurts your eyes, but you can still go out in it: yes.



7) You tend to be a night person by nature because you feel more comfortable and alive at this time: I am more of a midnight to 6am person.



8) You have had a strong interest in Vampires or any aspect of the genre since puberty and onwards: not an uncontrollable interest, but yes.



9) You had a strong interest in Vampires since a traumatic event accured in your life: no.



10) You don't get sick often, and if you do the maladies are often strange or severe: yes, it's my gift.



11) You are a fast healer: yes.



12) Sex tends to make you feel revitalized and full of energy: and clears my mind, yes.



13) You have drank blood before or would like to if you could: no.



14) You enjoy imbibing sexual fluids because of the vitality they contain: and I thought I was just being polite...



15) Electrical appliances and you don't generaly tend to get along well: yes, well, no we don't get along.



16) You prefer rich frabrics, taste, scents, etc: yes.



17) You are very sensitive to sensory extreams, strong scents, rough textures, sour tastes, etc: yes.



18) You feel totally different on some elemental, intuitive level to most other human beings: yes.



19) You feel you don't belong in this century maybe even this world: how about plane of existance?



20) You believe in reincarnation and maybe have had past life visions: yes.



21) Your dreams are often extreamly vivid and sometimes resault in cases of deja-vu: deju-vu plagues me...



22) easily trance out or find yourself detached from the world: not so much a trance, but yes.



23) You posess an ability similar to ESP or are highly intuitive in general: yes, I always awaken before someone enters my room, or calls me on the phone.



24) People often find you very empathetic to how they feel: yes.



25) People either often trust you completly or think you are very dangerous: yes.



26) Your style of clothing tends to be more on the dramatic side: no, I prefer not to be seen.



27) Your relationships tend to be very rocky and emotionaly unstable: every single one of them.



28) Your relationships tend to be very intence and passionate: again, every single one.



29) People tell you that you are to intence/an enigma/ a dark hole/etc: not in so many words, they usually flounder around until they find an appropriate sterotype to cast me as, not that I mind their disillusion...