The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

ahhh,,a fuckd up day already,,valum and vodka with a hint of bipolar,

i dont know what to do..im fuckin filping here. i can get rid of the voice.i cant seem to get fuckd up enuff,after a 1/4 of a litter of vodka and 9 vallums you would think everything would be gone...but its not...i cant go on with thiss...its killing me on the inside.

THE FINAL INSPECTION The Soldier stood and faced God, Which must always come to pass. He hoped his shoes were shining, Just as brightly as his brass. "Step forward now, Soldier, How shall I deal with you? Have you always turned the other cheek? To My Church have you been true?" The soldier squared his shoulders and said, "No, Lord, I guess I ain't. Because those of us who carry guns, Can't always be a saint. I've had to work most Sundays, And at times my talk was tough. And sometimes I've been violent, Because the world is awfully rough. But, I never took a penny, That wasn't mine to keep... Though I worked a lot of overtime, When the bills got just too steep. And I never passed a cry for help, Though at times I shook with fear. And sometimes, God, forgive me, I've wept unmanly tears. I know I don't deserve a place, Among the people here. They never wanted me around, Except to calm their fears. If you've a place for me here, Lord, It needn't be so grand. I never expected or had too much, But if you don't, I'll understand. There was a silence all around the throne, Where the saints had often trod. As the Soldier waited quietly, For the judgment of his God. "Step forward now, you Soldier, You've borne your burdens well. Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets, You've done your time in Hell."

------------see it falling like rain,

---------you can see right threw my veins.

------i have fallin like rain,

-----just haveing you again.

-

-------theres no time ,

-------theres no end,

---theres love from within,

---you put the ripples in my skin,

--i hear your voice calling in the wind,

----the willl of your love will make wills bend,

--- and so your lust is for me,,

-- i will take it and cross the sea.

------------just ask this of me.

i came at dawn with new blood drawn. never will i lie and say i am alive,

as i strive to feel i loose all pride,and will.

i am most content when i am able to kill.

Inserch of love to bind together a dark rush of love forever. as i come from above to plauge tha land , i come willing in the form of a black dove.

i want you to see

what i have to be, a blood driven soul,forsaken in whole.where would hell be, if it were not for me.

Pyle is with us now, he stinks and doesnt care.he say something about a pig and a poke,,sounds like the same thing as a good oll fuck you.to make this short and sweet, pyle and i use to share the same soul..now he is just a spirit abroad.he has been with me since i was in 5th grade.hes trying to joke with me,,it isnt funny,,he says my mouther taste like swine..he doesnt mean this ina sexuall way either..but,,he is trying to joke.pyle was vile,,,really sick fuck....and reallrealy bad egg.any way he was killd by a english salior..we call this guy leg..only for myown and pyle amusement,for pyle torments this guy for good reasons.i side with pyle becasue he is stronger than the outhers adn he like me and protects me from leg...now i just say get fucked leg,,pyle says he is about tooo....lol,,with leg...i have a ton of repsect for pyle,,even thou he did terrialbe things that cant be forgiven..he knows now that he was wrong..but he still says he wouldnt have done it anydiferent....he sas life is only what you make it out to be and the after life is only what life was made to be.,,it has no meaningto me either,,but he is wise and ilisten to most of his rammbeling..exxcept when he is drunk....ok,,,pyles gone and noone eles is willig to comeforth soo while the gettins good im getting,,

I understand why but i dont understand why i feel guilty about telling,so, have i broken somekind of unwriten moral code?was i out of line for speaking of what was and what is to be?i know anyone who tries to make sence out of what i am writing will trip and want to know what i am on,,curently im high ass a muthafuker,but i wasnt when this was writen originally..at this point i am interruptd by my most favorite spirit.she insist that i speak with her and she sasy there are introductions in order,"so if you read introduce yourself she will know" in a very old and deep southern accent shes says"i am Lilith",thats how she spells it.LiLith is a teenager,she is full of innosenceand is oh so shy.she only speaks when she is excited,and the excitement comes from something that i dont find apropret to share with you all..no im not jerking off..dumb shits

theres a lady present.we had a little joke there for a second amungs her and i..sorry i cant share.LiLith is form Charlestown South Carolina, her father was the harbor master, he was in charge of the matters of the state within the harbor.she is proud.she is starting to get upset becasue i write too slow and sloppy,she calls it chicken scratch..lol, at the same time she sends the presance of a kss to the cheek.now you know why she is my favorite she is the 1st of many to be nice to me,and beleav me all of them have a reason or two for doing it.LiLith wears a pastel blue french late1700's ball gown,,she looks like an angle,i have asked her manymany times if she was one, she allways gives me the same reply."Your allways so sweet to me my dear James"this is my reall name and the name of her past love....yeup...you got it..thats our connection with each outher,we were once to be wed.but due to unfortunes of life we were not able.i myself dont remember anything excpet what she refreshes with me.she is beautiful.she told me that i use to be a carpenter.i am now a carpenter,by hobby now.shes leaving me alone now..shes is pleased,the room is still filld with clean and joyfull air...she loves me,,i love you too LiLith.

i just woke from a dream,,,it was about a women in white...coverd in snow..

i dont know why she stuck out like she did, but there was something old and how to say,,,dead about her.she askd me to relive a moment in my life that was very painfull.the day holly died.i dont know how far i wasinto them dream. i kinda blackd out.,,i know diferent.i seem to ajoin this with a new frienship that was sticken up over the past two days.im going to get a bottle of spanish wine tonight,get drunk,then have a shot of abs,,and try to sort this all out....

i told someone of my innerlife today.it was almost a sobering moment.there were no outhers in the conversation.ecept the useuall.me myself and I.since the conversation i have had a very strange,how do i say it with out taking away form it,i dont know how to exsplain the preseance.its more of a nutral tone.theres the common willingness in the air to just be with.along with a sence of hmmm..im going to have to think of this one too.it would be easy to put this into a color prespective.the feelings would be represented by a red for the one that i cannot exsplain and maybe a grey or brown to go with the outher.i have been full of hatred all week for many understandable reasons,but since my meeting up with this someone and talkingi am at ease onece again.not saying all is well,it will never be.but i am at a certin level of peace with myself.as much as i want to be alone,i know i am not nor wil i ever be.

scratching to the beat,

i dig down,

i smell blood,

now i see the meat.



scratching to the beat,

i tear at my crown,

pealing back the skin,

i reach my teeth.

haveing to grip it,

i take it and rip it.

what a day,,damm im soo tierd. i need rest, but i cant seem to fid any.i lost five lbs this week.well last week to now.i feel aS IF I AM WASTING AWAY.im glad..i dont want o be alive anymore..i wish the regresion would just hurry up and take me away.i enterd the cemetery today.i sat at my gave site.if you would have known me five years ago you would have never suspected me to be in such a hurry.life is a burden now.and it sucks even more evryday. i have meet so many wonderful people here.i have even grown to love some of them,i found it hard to talk abou tthe cancer at first, but now with my new friends and loved onesit isnt so hard.but makes me want to go all that much more.how many do i have to infect with my useless life.its not a ghood day..sitting in the cemetery i had thought of what my children might have lookd like, what they might have been*crys*what use is a man if he cannot bare his fruits.what good is a god if he can not make a perfect world.but hey..i'll be jammin with dimebag..im going to ask that i be buried with my bc rich. my beast.my lovely beast.i playd for an hour at the grave site.i feel alseep there.the chemo was to much for me..i dont want anymore.i cant take it anymore.aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

i started of with vote with a bullet from corrosion of conformity,,now im go ing with stone breaker also on of coc's.im thinking of what to play next..lets see how about some....

MotoreHead!!

hmmm.. how to start this,i gues i 'm going to start off by saying that i found that i have incommon alot of thing with many people here on rave.for exsample, i have come to beleav that i have been a victem of a hunting.more like a plauged byit.i am talking about a spirit, a chil.. a trickster and sometimes physical spirit.therefor i share some of the supernatural aspect with some, anouther is the sexual stuff, but we wont get into that.its too volgar.but again i connect with many on that one too.lets see theres music,comeon lets face it theres not a whole lot of people in this world that is into the same music, if there were we would probubly have our own country, long live death metal!!!viva los death!!!hmmm, let see here what is something eles. oh the writing,,

the art.

theBLOOD.

dont know why, i just felt like sharing today..

c-yas

just got a new bc rich,i got the beast!!!whoo hoo!. i just had to tell someone.:)

smile,,theres noooooo

denile,,,i'lllllll

be there, i'lll be your defirerrr.

-

-

smile,,, theres noone thatsmore viillllleeee.

the witch triallllllls,

will set for your nile.

-

-

come with meeee ,

and i'l take you highr.

i'l set your soul on fire.

i remember the song,,clean my wounds..help me jesus help me clean my wounds,,he said he cannnot heal that kind.. damm this isnt right, but thats life, what is worth it,is just knockd down out of sight,or take away infront of you, or dead.i hate to think of the dieing,but at times like these it put my mind at eas,theres an end, but where is it. i dont beleav its after a physical death.but evrything has a begining and an end.i feel theres something i can do.no not the useuall,,after going threw chemo or starting it,whats the point in suicide,,its a little late for that shit.i have anouther treatment at noon tomarrow.fuk.i lived threw alot of things but this is the first time i have ever felt weak.helpless,hopeless,alone,and most of all in vain,i cant help but feel like im takeing someone more wothy out of the picture.i dont even want to live.there ahs to be some kid out there that could use itmore than i. dont know what to do

The eavning moon is bright and silver. and im stoned.

what more could i want. I WANT YOU!

i miss haveing you by myside. if there was a chance or a small remote possability to be with you, i would not hesitate to end it all. your hair use to tickle my nose when we kissd. you lips gave me a purpose.but now. i can even remember what you lookd like.sometimes i beleav that i am being punishd by a god or something.my heart is slow to heal,still.

it is hard to think of anytype of fueture now, the is no light at anytunnle no silver lineing,nothering but the sarrow wich has hunted me for so long now.

where is my love,,is she up there,down there, or somewhere eles,i so pray out to what ever it may be to,,to be gental with her..she is soft and careing.hold her close to you and tell her you love her.

haha,,,i just erased a few para graphs..i started to tell all about my sex life...damm im glad i caught that one in time..all i can say about it is the blisters are healing fine.