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Extracts from my diary a year ago. please do not read if in a caring disposition.





This is a continuation from the leaf notebook. As I didn’t want to ruin it.



Why am I so fucking masculine? I HATE it. I have a moustache, I’m violent, my build isn’t exactly girly, WHY ME?



Thought that I would be happy going out with my mates but they treat me like shit why???



Anybody who can stop me being so sensitive, anybody, any god or whatever will have my sole and can use it to their will.



Why can’t anyone help me? Why why why?



I HATE ME



The only way I see of releasing all my anger and stress etc is to hurt or kill and thing, I wish I could do that for hunting thing and watch the fox’s body be ripped apart and share it’s pain.



Ugh I’m sick re:^



I’ve been taking these quizzes and all of them say I’m suicidal, depressed, a true cutter and morbid. I DON’T WANT TO BE REMINDED



I WILL LIVE TO BE 14 I WILL I SWEAR till feb 8th that’s all



2.1.05 cut on weds I feel really good, but dreading school. At the moment I have a lust for blood. I want to see it, taste it. But I won’t cut.

I’m ok now I didn’t cut! I’m happy. Finished Dracula.



Blood lust returned cut my thumb and sucked, no pain.



Why am I so weird, re ^ I hate it Rhianna fell over to bled, it came back I over powered it. Feels so good to be trusted, Liz told me about her sickness thing. I told her about me. She was shocked and could not believe how I could do it, I explained the relief factor. I hope I can trust her why the fuck did I tell her?





Things that make me happy/ smile:



The night sky

Thriller/ horror films

Happy people

Music

Hearing the band play

Seeing people who love each other

My drawings/ collages

Being told I’m needed/ trusted etc



Things that make me sad/ depressed:



Being neglected

Chavs etc

Sad people I can’t help

Helplessness

Not being appreciated

Being totally and utterly alone

Realise what I haven’t got that others have

Frustration

etc



I want to tell mum but don’t want to destroy her, it would be so selfish, told Richard by accident, pasted it into the conversation and he read it, I love the way he is trying to help me, he says I’ll be happier if I find someone who loves me and suggested I go snap and more gigs. But I don’t know. I will tell Rhianna about all this and the cut on Monday, I will give her the leaf book



Told Rhianna and she will help me tell mum. Talked to my ‘recover your life’ and ‘vampire rave’ mates I found out that my friend on vr self harmed for 4yrs and still is. My mate on recover your life has self harmed for 2 and a half years.



Songs:

The blade is a drug

One drag

One sniff

One spiff

One shot

One cut

There’s no giving up



The tears wash away the blood

Every thing can be read into, you just have to learn to read



I’ve got to stop because one day someone’s words won’t save me. It will be too late. The red curtain draws back from this world and I sleep the long dreamless sleep of death. I just want to feel someone’s arms around me and their whisper in my ear, their breath on my neck, their love and warmth. I don’t want to be alone I want the pain to end and for someone to hold me tight and say they love me and make it all go away. I fear that one day they will find me, soaked in blood, my veins empty and my heart stopped but the pain will be gone for me. For everyone else it has just begun. They lose me and I fall dragging them all with me, by ending my life I break everyone else’s. I want to love and be found I’m lost, lost in the wilderness, calling out but on one finds me and I die there alone and desolate, but this won’t happen I will win.



Bolocks!



They’re shouting again and this time it’s my fault. I’m doing a job for one of my mum’s friends and dad wanted me to do my chores too. He blamed mum when I hadn’t done them. If I had done them then it would be ok, what a crap daughter and sister I am. Poor Jen! She was crying, I wish I could cry. It just feels like I got indigestion but I want to cry. My eye waters a little but not enough and I just can’t cry I really want to. Damn you. Today was crap really, geography and history I got pelted with glue and the usual really



Today wasn’t too bad I’m just really tiered couldn’t sleep too well last night. They were arguing dad slept on the sofa.



Blood lust today, Cut and drank. Feel so much calmer and happier :D