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yuck...the past 2 months have been so shitty.. i feel like crap.. not physically but mentally.. i just feel so drained.. spread to thin.. like to many people want me to do the things that they want me to do.. between kids and parents and in laws i feel like nothing i ever do is truly good enough. i always feel as if i am coming up short. like i didn't do a good enough job. i get about 4 hours of sleep a night because my brain is constantly buzzing.. it's like a toy that never shuts off.. i lie in bed and try to shut down and all i can think about is "who did i dissapoint or piss off today?"i just feel like everyone expects things from me that i just can't give. i am not perfect, have never claimed to be, yet everyone expects everything i do to turn out perfectly. i was criticized on christmas day because i wasn't Holly jolly" enough for their liking. christmas has been a rough time of year for me for the past 8 years or so. having my kids made it harder because i have to make an effort at the emotion for them. i don't want them to miss out, but damn, it's getting harder and harder to paste that smile on my face.. i wish it would go halloween, thanksgiving, new years..i feel so worthless.. as if i shouldn't be here. all my lifes choices haunt me when i lie in bed at night. every desicion i have ever made, second guessed in the wee hours of the morning.. did i make the right choice for some of the tougher heart breaking ones, or did i just pick the easiest way? what would my life be now if i had stuck to some of those things instead of quitting them cause it was easier? hopefully, since christmas is over things will get better, but i'm doubtful as another big event looms in my life.. turning 30 in january.. yet another reminder of how shitty my life is.. i am 30 and have nothing to show but 3 children, who i am grateful for, a bassett hound, an unfaithful husband and 2 cats.

since june i have been following the story of the 2 year old girl that went missing in florida... i prayed and prayed that they would find that little angel alive, but the more i listened to casie anthonys lies, the more i realized that they would probably be finding a body.. when it happened and they found the body 1/10 of a mile from where the mother lived, i was devastated.. how could you kill your own child.. a child is the only person who will love you unconditionally.... casie anthony is seriously the coldest, most calculating person i have ever had the misfortune to see on tv.. when her 2 year old was missing, she was more worrried about her hair and make-up.... i feel so sad.. yes, being a mom is hard, sometimes, i think it is the hardest job of all, but you choose whether or not to become a mother.. to chloroform your child so you can go out and party? thats freekin sick... do you know how many people out there would love to have a child that can't? why didn't she just give the baby up for adoption? someone would have loved that adorable little girl to distraction... there are alot of sicko's in this world and they seriously need to be terminated... i say an eye for an eye.. what you do to others shall be revisited upon you.