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I have this thing with Spotify. I type in stuff, hit the search button, and it plays me songs that I love to groove to. Maybe that's why i have a weak spot for musicians... Or men who dabble in anything to do with beats.

Yeah like Boogie Nights.

I will never change, I think. I'm still the same ol' me. Just a tad bit *darker*.

Anyway.

It's the Eve of New Year's here. Less than six hours till the stroke of midnight.

Do I really have to go through another damn year? I mean, twelve months. That's thirty-odd ghastly, nightmarish days per month!

The calendar is sheer Evil, I tell ya.

But, yeah. I'm just going to enjoy the first midnight of 2022, musically, creatively, and artistically... unsure if anyone really cares, though.

Blessed Be, y'all!

COMMENTS

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LORDMOGY
18:29 Dec 31 2021

Look at you still living and coping and shit....

Just keep doing more of that in 2022.

Maybe, even do something totally different.

Get out of your comfort zone and enjoy a new Hobby.

If there is even 1 thing that brings you Endorphins....Do More Of That!

Best wishes in the New Year to you.

~ LM

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POST COMMENT

My pride is all I have left.

Why won't you bitches let me have a man?

And

Why won't any of you men claim me as yours?

Am I so ugly.

My ankle is beginning to give me problems. All of a sudden, it's aching and turning a little swollen.

This is the same ankle that I had badly sprained TWICE IN ONE WEEK.

I had to go to the hospital to get it checked. I have no idea what kinda 10-Star hospital that was, but an X-ray turned up with no fracture, when I was pretty sure that it was a fracture.

It sure hurt like one.

Went to another clinic for a second opinion, but turns out not serious.

Now, slightly over 7 months later, it's hurting like a fucker.

And I have no idea why.

I need an ankle support, but, that's too darned expensive.

I'm waiting on my social worker for a call.

Then, I'm seriously getting an ankle support.

It hurts, dammit.

Society is still at the stage where they think the reason why I am associating myself with this site is that my English is good.

*rolls eyes*

You're kidding, right.

I miss my favourite adult jigsaw puzzle.

I just wish I had a normal life.

There is an ignorant and crazy group of people going around town and the cyberspace spreading rumours and lies about me.

These are the loonies that I am constantly scolding in my journals.

I just wish they'd keel over and die.

So much jealousy and envy.

They're just bad news for the members of Vampire Rave.

This shall be my evil out to the world.

It is what it is.

So Mote It Be.

So, I am on disability. I require additional state welfare benefits. The doctor's prescribed me a six-month long MC. I'd prolly do some writing and teaching, for the next six months. A prerequisite for such a welfare scheme is such that one ought not to be involved in any formal work.

So, yeah.

Story of my life.

I'm just hoping 2022 will prove itself much better.

2021 sucks so bad.

Why'd you all leave me alone, man?

For an ordinary plain ol' Far East Indian woman, surprisingly, I am the least bit Indian.

I have never felt a sense of belonging in my own tribe, growing up.

And I have no idea, for the life of me.

I was deeply into the Academics to truly be perturbed by my surroundings.

Well. I guess I am just different.

I will never feel a sense of belonging in any tribe, I reckon.

The only place I have ever felt at-home is the cyberspace.

VR is my Home. It is my Sanctuary. I feel as though some of us, Vampires here, are Kindred Souls.

Vibes attract Tribe.

So just let me be, alright.

Are they all living it up?

Guilty by association.

So Mote It Be.

Everytime I see MasterOfMadness appearing Online, my heart skips a beat.

Or several.

These days, I can't even see any pictures of Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder., Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, throwback images from The Lost Boys, and/or Keanu Reeves without bawling my eyes out.

HELP.

What a cruel and painful culture.

In spite of this, I am sentimental.

Memories, past loves, past brushes with death...

I have become this monster that thrives on Hate and Pain and Aggression.

I am afraid of feelings exposed.

I have withdrawn into my own world.

Punching and screaming at a world that is not mine.

I am protecting my Memories from harm and the world that is not mine.

MasterOfMadness, I love you.

Ya know what's strangely funny?

That, even in my late 30's, I am still whining about not belonging, or much less, fitting in anywhere.

I never envisioned myself so estranged or out-of-place.

What's amusing to me, is that perhaps, I just wasn't meant to be a part of anything.

A loner.

A depraved creature of the Night.

An outsider always looking in.

A Vampire.

It is a difficult life, for me.

I read somewhere on the Net that Loneliness is, just after Cancer, from smoking, the second-leading cause of premature death in this world.

Well, it doesn't sound like rocket science now, does it, eh.

Fuck my life.

Recent events concerning my physical body have got me doing some reflection.

I think, I have mentioned in a previous journal entry that I had been feeling some negative vibes in my environment.

Yeah, well, I had to quit my job due to some health issue; thus the six-month MC from the doctor's.

Research based on personal experiences have proven my suspicions to be right. Spongebob, eh?

Cleared the air with some charcoal powder and solid bits, with a piece of Black Tourmaline and a Selenite tower, to clear up the air.

I feel better already, now.

Man, my health took a strong hit!!!

Being an Empath is so troublesome, I swear.

The dude I was crushing on, has been giving me the silent treatment.

Why??

I thought a mature man would be so much more worldly and understanding.

Someone matured, ya know?

I don't gel well with the young ones... I find them fake, tbh.

Fuck, anyway, I can't stand them, for the life of me.

So this dude, S, ignores my very existence. I don't know what I had done that was so wrong for him to give me the cold shoulder.

I'm an intense woman. Scorpio, so, yeah.

Maybe he thinks that I am too immature for a mature man, such as he is.

Well, he doesn't know me, then.

Fuck it.

COMMENTS

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Dakotah
16:32 Dec 25 2021

He does not deserve you then. Close that door and move on. I went through quite a few before I found Liliancat. I am so glad when she came to me I was free to dive into what would be the best journey of my life. Even as short as it was, only 6 years. Never settle for someone who is not treating you how you want to be treated. Keep your head up high and a smile on your face.

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So yeah. I'm a couple of decades behind, but, I just rediscovered Spotify!

Goddamn it, fuckers. This is some legit stuff.

When VF closed down, I thought I was going to kill myself. All the goddamn music.

I was just there killing time, engaging in inane apathetic chats here and there.

I was there for the music, primarily.

I lost my heart to the music!!!

Good lord, omg, now I can relive memories...

I am so happy... I think I regained my heart.

Merry X'mas and Merry Christmas to all those who observe this special day!


Season's Greetings and Blessed Be.

Why are you so clean?

I prefer being myself.

I feel as though society has put my life on hold so that they can experience what I experienced in my youth.

Just why do they think that their lives are intertwined with mine?

WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO PAUSE MY LIFE SO THAT YOU CAN LIVE YOURS???!!!

People are literally going around having mindless sex with each other.

People are stealing my life.

People are being racist toward me.

People are belittling me like shit.

I am being emotionally, spiritually, and physically tortured.

Why????!!!

I finally got around getting a grasp of Knot Magick. I even found some twine at the local Art supplies shop at the mall.

Oh, goody. It really lifted my spirits a little bit.

Just counting my blessings, ya know.

Plucked some dark-coloured twigs from downstairs and used twine to make another Pentagram, to put one on my second altar. I already have one, made of light-coloured twigs on my main altar, not sure if i should be making more of these.

I love connecting with Nature and the elements. That's what Traditional Witches do!

I dreamt of the same Black Unicorn last night/early morning today. He is just so shy, really, but he looks magnificent!

Absolutely breath-taking, I swear.

Lately, I have been feeling all kinds of negative energies, that weren't mine. Don't ask me how I know... I just do. Crystals, stones, and my sleep took a hit., so I added another rock of Black Tourmaline and a Selenite Skyscraper to my altar, to vibe better.

I feel such a spiritually sacred bond with my crystals and stones. I just know when any one of them isn't feeling too well. Then, it's just time for some cleansing and re-energising under the Moon!

Maybe I ought to, tonight. Black Obsidian is not vibing well, I guess. It needs a bath, just to clear it up a little.

It's Crystal-Charging Night!

Merry Yule to all you fucked up creatures of the night!

2021 marks my 1-year anniversary of suicide-free inclinations.

And also my 2-year anniversary of being a formal Craft practitioner.

I really hope that this Season's Greetings does us all some good.

Blessed Be and May the Force Be With You.

Man, and I wonder why I always get suspensions on VR.

If you folks were nice to me, without all the back-biting, I'd be my normal sweet self, and there wouldn't have been a need for me to turn into a hag.

Dammit.

My kismet has been suspended since April of this year.

I admit it: I spell TROUBLE.

I am a very passionate and expressive person.

Not my fault that I let my tongue run wild all on its own!

Dammit.

I really didn't mean to be such a hag.

Yeah, well.

Fuck my life.

COMMENTS

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BloodRoseTristesseX
02:05 Dec 22 2021

Frequent Sentoran suspensions; thus, the kismet and journal suspensions.

I hate feeling cornered. I'll lash out like a wounded creature of the night.

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Ya know what?

I think my mental illness has been a long time coming.

All of my weird and disturbing behaviours during my younger years...

Well, I kind of broke down mentally, emotionally, and physically.

My body is at its breaking point.

36 tumultuous years on this planet.

And this is where i am now.

My mental health does not define me completely, but, it does play a more than significant part.

I'd be lying if I said that i feel fine right now.

I visited my doctor for an appointment.

I came out of the clinic with a 6-month MC.

Ah shuckz... I am such a worry wart, tbh.

I am out of this Rat Race that is so prevalent in society.

I just want to spend the rest of my life writing and practicing my Craft.

I want to be happy for once.

*shrugz*

Isn't the grapevine just bursting with the juiciest gossip, around town.

Just because I am a certain way does not mean that everyone I associate myself with are like me.

I mean, what the fuck, right.

Society degrades me so much.

And for the life of me, I don't know why.

I absolutely hate the youth in this town, as they have nothing to do because of the Covid-19 situation.

I bet those infected in the grapevine are sick people.

Isn't life just peachy. For the life of me, I have no idea why I always see the need to Become.

Maybe I am just not an educated being... Cos some dead guy once said, when he was alive, that the educated mind is the one who accepts a notion but not BEING it.

But I have to Become.

All.

The.

Fucking.

Time.

I used to be a staunch Objectivist, as propounded by Ayn Rand.

Now, I take every damn thing seriously and I just need to put myself THROUGH it, just to fucking FEEL. something.

I suffer from psychogenic pain.

Ah dammit.

I guess I'll just be hanging out here, writing new journal entries on VR till the day I expire.

Yay, me.

Fuck my life.

My latest obsession with my Craft is Knot Magick. I couldn't find any thicker string at the dollar store, so I just got some Lace Yarn instead. It could be a little thicker, as I had wished, but this will do for now.

Knot Magick is kinda complex for the Witchling, as the wise Witch knows.

It is fun, though.

I'm just trying to memorise where the knots go, and for the Solitary Witch like myself, thank Lucifer I enjoy learning!

Lol.

Vampire Rave, to me, is for the intellectuals and philosophical Vampires and Otherkin. After much soul-searching and the dawning of the realisation that what works for me was Luciferic Vampirism, my life changed.

For the better or for the worse, I don't really know.

Spirituality is supposed to be for Intimate Folks. Just because a certain thing does not make your day, doesn't mean that you have to immediately blame it or get rid of it. This is Life.

Shit happens.

It took me years to get where I am today... good AND bad. I like to think that I am one of The Chosen.

There are many more like me in this world.

We are trail-blazers.

We make you Think.

I am, Vampire.

It is what it is.

I have not spoken to any of my family members in a while. I don't care really. I don't feel like I am missing out on much in life. I also feel like severing all ties with an abusive family.

This is something that I have to do.

As LordMogy says, frequently : I am living my best life.

I am.

Suicidal inclinations during this festive season are hitting me hard. I feel as though everyone else is out to get me. Paranoia, perhaps. Add a dash of anxiety and one gets the perfect recipe for internal torment.

Ah fuck it.

Been getting creative, though. Trying to master knot magick. I am just unsure as to which direction it might take me... Maybe I just have to meditate on it for a little while. It's the rainy season here... More cool nights. Depression hits most during this period.

*shakes fist at the sky*

I wish I had someone. I really do.

I get it.

No one gives a fuck.

Perfect.

This is honestly beyond my comprehension - just what is so shameful and so wrong about my buzz cut?

Is it because I am an Indian woman? I don't get it, really. I am not living for you, but I feel as though I have something to fulfill in this world, and I am slowly, but eventually, getting there.

Or at least I hope so.

I don't know... There are not many women like me around in this town, for me to compare myself with.

I am merely living my life intellectually and intuitively.

I just about have every fucking stigma in the world attached to me.

So yeah, I've got to face the consequences. And trust me, i have a difficult life.

No one on VR talks to me, anyway. So, why should I bother about any of you?

The last time I trusted someone on VR, he sent me straight to Hell Coven.

The only reason I keep logging in to check on my personal stuff is that this is a Lifetime Membership account on a Vampire social site, and I don't truly want to be left out in the Vampire online circles, which is my real community, and not the society that's fucked up geographically.

This is the only Culture I have ever known and have ever been a part of, in my entire life, for the good and bad.

That's all there is, as far as my presence goes.

COMMENTS

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captainglobehead
15:08 Dec 12 2021

Forgive my abruptness, but you're beautiful and sexy as hell. And, from what I can tell, smart and funny and brave and talented.

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BloodRoseTristesseX
15:12 Dec 12 2021

Why, thank you, kind Sir.

I wish I could say the same.

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POST COMMENT

If I get one more email from a prospective employer from the Education industry, notifying me that I have been shortlisted, I swear I will snap back. I can be pretty horrid when I have been pushed too far, and happen to snap and break.

Yes, things go way beyond ugly.

Right now, I can't even.

And you want me to go through several rounds of interview, including an aptitude test?!

You must be fucking joking, because, quite frankly, these employers are jokers and not meant to be taken seriously at all!!!

I have been tested like no other in my life, causing me to break, attempt suicide by overdose - honestly not expecting to wake up the following morning - and end up in police custody where they throw me into the local asylum.

This is the story of my adult life, tbh. It is a vicious cycle.

What the fuck is wrong with people.

I can't.

My mental health and physical health take priority.

Then comes every other shit.

I have got no one left in my life.

Friendships never forged through hellfire and brimstone; relationships never entering fruition.

I just need someone.

I have a million reasons to leave..

I just need one reason to stay on.

Will anyone ever be that one fucking reason.

I am itching for a tattoo right now, lately. Screw the chest piece cover-up. I don't think it needs a cover-up, anyway. I was thinking of a back piece... Nothing too big, really. I still have space on my arms for further ink... I am caught between an Owl and a Raven inks.

Oooh boy. It has always been on the back of my mind while I was engaged in other duties... and well...

I think a Raven suits me better.

I just need to get some cash.

I have a darker skin-tone... But hey, if there are any people who want a human ink canvas, please hit me up.

I am literally begging.

Or maybe, even a No Future tattoo somewhere.

Dammit.

In other more relevant news, I have been involving myself in some major shadow work. I bought 6 black beeswax candles, and burnt them all up, in a single night.

Just to do away with my emotional trauma, to self-heal. I only partake in shadow work whenever my heart feels heavy, as though my emotions and experiences in life are nothing but a burden.

Well, tbh, they can be burden-ish at times, and it requires several shadow healing sessions to get rid of my negativity. My employer even remarked that I tend to be of the negative polarity of the spectrum.

Oh well. I guess it's not new news to me. I'm merely rolling with the punches here.

So, yeah, we cool.

I have taken up the 30-Day Hekatean Prayer Challenge. It's all over the internet, dating back a couple of years, actually.

I don't know... It just feels right to take up this challenge inn this last month of the year... Just in time to usher in 2022.

Intuitively, it feels just cozy, snuggling up in bed with my unicorn stuff-toy, with a glass of warm herbal tea, and just well, reflecting on the past months' happenings... Especially when 2021 marks the year of me not falling into a mental and emotional relapse.

Wow. You did it, girl. You made it through 2021 without any suicidal inclinations and overtly explicit show of Hate or finger-pointing.

*pats herself on the back*

Woot.

Yeah, I practically live on the Net these days. You know what they say - you can only be yourself when you are by yourself... So, I know that this is me.

Yes, all me. Forever Lucifer's dark rebel in this incarnation.

Yupz.

I'm on my 5th day of the Hekatean Challenge, and honestly, I haven't felt better... Oops.

Don't wanna jinx it.

It's going on quite well.. Just my Hekate and myself. Together we can rule this world!

Hail Hekate!

Hail Lucifer!

Blessed Be, and May the Force be with You.

Oh wow. The number of times when I have been at the receiving end of Racism has been unprecedented in history.

Usually, Racism lasts for a short duration and usually ends in the victim's death.

Guess I am still suffering after all these years, because I'm still breathing?

Is this what they wanted?

Why is life like this?

I finally set eyes on a kindred soul, outside from VR, and he just had to ignore me.

We are damaged souls, constantly waging wars and fighting battles, be it emotional, spiritual, or physical. Our souls are the same. We come from the Source of darkness, and forever I will wait for another kindred soul.

Blessed be.