I guess I am officially off-the-market. No man would ever want a woman who acts quirky and off-beat. By that, I mean mentally. How does a messed-up person ever introduce themselves to an eligible bachelor? It ain't my fault I am built this way. Does this mean that my options are limited? I'm sick of online dating. I always falter at the "Where do you stay?" question.
Fuck this shit.
Goths go to great lengths to perfect their look. This is what adds to their appeal, and I find that super inspiring. My look is not entirely Goth, per se, but, I do what a girl's gotta do to project an image. I take care of my looks, somewhat. I rarely leave home without my eyeliner and lip gloss. I adore the dark-eyed with pink lip gloss combination. My family never did get adjusted to this look - my aunt has always advised me to apply a red or brown lip gloss to match my tone... but, I just don't like that appeal. I am a playful woman, by nature; growing up, I was the mischievous one. So yeah, maybe that explains the pink. Roommates may call me *attention-seeking* and society may label me a *vain-pot* - I never did care for what they say - it's what they *do*, that haunts me, the most.
Facing Death changes you. And it definitely has changed me. Attempting suicide, being on the brink of impending Death, changes a person in more sensitive and intimate ways one can imagine. My last suicide attempt - last year - rendered me unconscious for a couple of day, before I was able to be up and conscious with the entire world topsy-turvy. Heck, I couldn't even walk in a straight line! I have, now, changed my outlook on Life. It wouldn't be wrong to say that the world has become grimmer, grittier, and darker, as a result. I dwell in the Dark. This is where I am supposed to be. I am not the type to shy away from this topic. Yeah, being a South-East Asian woman comes with alot of Shame and Stigma. But, Mental Health is Real. And it changes a person in the most Sublime and Subtle way.
Getting vaccinated in this town is all the rage. I got my third booster shot just last afternoon. Skin's a little warm and a little swollen, around the needle area. I still think injections feel more terrifying than tattoo needles, tbh. Been feeling kind of feverish, too. Popped some painkillers and I feel better. Other than that, I feel normal.
Guess that's a good thing.
No one gives a fuck, these days.
It's so cold.
When I do my best in anything, I get rejected.
Like I said, I never learn from life.
I ought to fuck things up more often.
Maybe that's when they'll accept me.
Fuck this shit, tbh.
It is beyond my comprehension why being on VR makes me want to spill out my guts.
Maybe it's just a mentally and emotionally traumatised Vampire thing.
Beats me, tbh.
Here I am, laying on my bed, in less-than-favourable circumstances, waiting on my psych to call me. I missed last morning's appt, so it's been rescheduled to in an hour or so.
Man, all these First-World problems.
I need to do further Shadow Work, and hopefully my heart and mind would be able to reconcile with each other, or at least give me with some respite from the daily grind.
This is tough, this Sensual Priesthood, something that I have been my entire life thus far.
Often, I find myself wanting of a dying need to do a ritual, and just bask in the aftermath of a full-blown prayer session.
But, I am not a conventional Priestess. It is tougher when practicing my Craft, alone. Everything is harder, alone.
I have made countless sacrifices in my life, in a modern city-state, consciously , unconsciously, and sub-consciously.
I only need my own blood, my BoS, some writing materials, my Priestess junk, and I am good to go. Yes, it gets very dark, in both my mind and spirit.
I am just a Holier-Than-Thou kinda Woman, trying to make some sense in this Life.
I yearn for Love.
Perhaps there is someone for me out there - an Ed Warren to my Lorraine Warren.
Sucks to be me, eh.
VR has always been my portal to an alternate universe. Escapism, coined loosely.
It really breaks my heart to witness how it has *chased* away all the old-timers.
Please, for the sake of the Vampire Universe, stop chasing everyone away!
I still think that I stand out with a shaved head. Even my doctor commented on it. His comments were neither positive nor negative, tho. He was merely stating a fact.
Also, my look doesn't gel with all types of clothing trends - they are mostly rugged-looks, with this look of mine.
But as one ages, the majority of us don't care much for fashion, right? By this age, we tend to have our own signature style of dressing.
Black is my to-go-to comfort colour... As most of my older clothes are of Strega trends, and they're predominantly darker in colour.
Yeah well, who cares, anyway?
Today's Valentine's Day. Not everyone is *blessed* with Love.
It's all in the mind, up there... But, I can't help my bouts of deep depression of this Season. Ya know, I don't think I can drag myself out of this darkness.
And I thought only a Vampire could love you Forever.
Maybe that is why it is called *mental problems*.
I don't know, anymore.
Every single man I am attracted to don't give a flying fuck about me.
I don't have much of a life, these days...
The mature man I have deep feelings for is just not reciprocating.
I can't help it if I am an intense being.
It is what it is.
*forever a broken-hearted girl*
Finding the person meant for you can take a lifetime. Think of it as dodging bullets. Imagine yourself with that person and not truly accepting who you are as a person and want to be. It is their loss not yours. It won't feel that way right now but sooner or later you will find that person so in the meantime try and enjoy the journey. Best wishes!
I am absolutely sick of all this introspection.
The past few years have been nothing but a pain in my ass.
I have become the brown version of Yoda.
The more I try to seek what is it that's wrong with me, the more I make things worse for myself.
The funny thing is thatbbthese Mortals don't even do any soul-searching, and still be able to thrive in this chaotic universe.
I just want to live the rest of my life happily.
I was growing tired of how *manufactured* McDonald's has been becoming.; so, I chose KFC.
Patroned their restaurant last week, ordered a Colonel Burger meal, only for them to tell me that KFC has discontinued their specialty.
I told ya, I live under a rock.
So, me being the benevolent customer, I placed an order for 2 Zinger Burger meals. I got it as a takeaway.
Came home, and I bit ravenously into the first Zinger. To my horror, it tasted like cardboard.
Trust me, i have tried to eat cardboard before, someway along my youth.
There was absolutely no mayonnaise, and the meat, chicken, was so dry I could hardly shove it down my throat!
What the fuck.
So, I sent them a feedback stating my grievance.
Today, I got a call from them, and after explanation, they offered to give me 2 Zinger Burgers, ala carte.
Had one for lunch, and the other one for dinner.
I'll just put myself through intermittent fasting tomorrow.
Today's Zingers tasted more like the KFC I knew as a teen!
I have been watching lots of B-Horror Films lately.
Not every actor delivers an Oscar-worthy performance, ya know.
I have even put myself through the torture of watching several C, D, and even E horror movies. Or at least, before my patience for something to happen/climax, runs thin.
Maybe it's just the Nurturer archetype in me.
Still am on medical leave.
I find it horrendous that I have been put on disability... It kills me a bit, ya know?
So, I am no longer an Eligible Woman, in the eyes of the Men.
It is what it is.
Ah, fuck it.
My life has capsized itself, crashed by waves, and set alight in the darkness.
I am not your Beacon of Light and Hope and Guidance.
What is so wrong with seeking validation?
At least, if I were to fail miserably and fall face-first into filth, I can go the grave knowing I was judged fairly, justly, and analytically.
I will forever seek Validation.
It's just how I fucking roll.
I had another dream, late last night, before dawn. I dreamt of my Spirit Animal again... Yes, the Black Unicorn. He never fails to bring me serenity with a dash of brashness.
I think Black Unicorn energy suits me better.
I have always been a late bloomer.
Guess it figures, then.
Been feeling a tad bit depressed and anxious since the Lunar Year.
Yup, that's just it.
I am so burnt out.
I tried so much to be *normal*.
Yet, I keep fucking things up, in my life.
I am still on medical leave and have been put on disability.
I thought these were treatments for the veteran soldier.
What the fuck, right?!
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