Back a long time ago in a galaxy. Wait a minute wrong movie. *plays 2010 overture* *Scratches record* nope that ain't it either. Ok. Back in the 5th grade. Yah that was a long time ago. deal with it i'm old. I had just gone there for the first time. It was a school that was known as Campbell Dragons. Anyways. This kid Byron and I. were like glue we talked and played recess together. we were the weeded out kids only us two played together. so we deceided to make up a langauge and My name happen to be Fizbop. So years later comming up with an internet name I choose Fizbop. As both my wiccan and internet name. Now you know ...
On, my way home on December, 25 2005. I saw an accident. I pulled over in my car. Getting out of my car. I ran up to the cars in trouble. First asking if they were ok. Anybody hurt. Then suggesting that they use my phone to call for someone and help. Luckly no one was hurt we had the police arrive in about 10 mins time. They said thank you and merry christmas. Though I do not celebrate this. I wished it back. The meaning here is that the spirit of peace and joy do exsist. Sometimes it takes something Major to make you relize this.
The pain in my heart it swels.
For the love i felt was real
You want to give it a shot.
But you haven't even tried.
I'm not going to hurt you
My tears are flooding on my face.
Awaiting your embrass.
I feel we left our souls in a differnt plane.
Be mine and be here to stay.
Be my love my life my words
My strength my hopes
and my dreams.
Please say you will.
Say you will try.
Invite me over
We will have a good time.
Why Must I fight.
Why must i get jellous
why do i turn everything into a fight.
why must i let go of something before it starts.
Why do i fear rejection when things go smothly.
Why can't i just let go.
My past haunts me and until I can fix this. I deserve absolutly nothing.
1997, The day I almost died. 2 years had passed while i was dating a women named Kimblery. She always called me goof to this day i havnt' allowed anyone to call me that cuz of this. 2 years of saying i love you. She falls in love with her bosss. They have sex. Lots of sex. She brags about how much better he is. Then contnues to tell me more and more details. I can't hang up the pohne. I awaited thouse three words. Neal It wasn't love ... I only Lusted you. Then me in silince dead silence. She asks me if i'll be ok. I wasn't but i told her i was fine. that was the last time i heard from her. however, it trigured a schozphrenia in me. I flipped out into 5 differtn personalities. Trying to kill my self in moumous ways ODing on pills Didn't die. Hung my self didn't die. Everying was a blur i can't on hearing me trying to kill myself.
ODE TO FIZBOP...
07:38:17 - Dec 14 2005
Love is the epitomy of one's worst fears,
A great man trapped inside himself for so long,
Betrayal, chaos and misunderstandings for so many years,
How do you prove love's representation as being wrong?
When only the negative has been your constant companion and friend?
Must you submit to the reign of your unhappiness?
Must you accept that you are forever condemned?
Or will you finally be presented the much coveted happiness...
A toast to your future...
That you recieve your true wish
inspired and dedicated to Fizbop
Reposted in my personal entries with permission.
A feeling I have for someone. That said to have hope. I know things I shouldn't know. I don't know what to do. I have feelings I shouldn't have for someone's heart that is taken. What do i do when you hate the world cuz of a few. I've helped where i can tried with all my might to let them see i'm not like them.
Death seems to be drawing to so many. I can't help them all.
Yule, what does it mean to you? Have you ever wandered about another holiday people celebrate other then Christmas. Yule is also been celebrated before the year 1000. Well, wiccans, and pagans, celebrate Yule. What is yule you may ask; I can't really sum it up in a word. So what is it in my opinion. It's a celebration of winter. It's a welcoming if you will. It's also a family affair. We decorate a tree with candles well some of us do. Put a yule log into a fire. A yule log would be considered a Christmas tree log basically. We worship the sun or if you like the light coming into the world. It's not that much different from Christmas. We pay our respects to the gods and goddess. Any thoughts or additions feel free to post it.
I made my first goal as vampire.
And i have Jason's mark for uber points which now is gone cuz of hang man. but cest la vie such is life i did something i didn't know i could do.
Well a little bit's been done with my profile now a little more devided. with some scrool bars which i think makes it easier. hope you like it some more changes in store soon.
All my life, I've had suffering, and pain. One mistake after another. at 7 i lost my best friend in the world. I didn't know how to handle it. Still confused about it. later on was raped by my brother. And i just let it happen. And i enjoyed it. I keep asking myself what's wrong with me. still wonder sometimes. One of the reasons i became bi was cuz of him. later on when i was 20 dating this gal she said i love you constantly then cheats on me and then tells me it was nothing but lust. I took it so bad that I fliped out. I spilt personalitys. submitted my self to a hospital. After many failed attempts of suiside cuz i couldn't control my personalitys. Got raped by a rather large women. Ended up kicking her threw a wall. Watched helplessly as my friend died from aids in my arms. my grandpa's death. A women who claims to love me then keeps hurting me and i let her. I just can't let go and beleive me I'm serious. I take alot of things seriously.
I'm in so much pain it hurts. To see no option of hope. The pain growing deeper. The tears geting harder as they drip down my face. I write this entry. For you must know me.
After all your looking at this arn't you. Why am I sad. Why am i depressed.
Rape, after Rape. Broken heart after broken heart. Once told I was loved it was turned quickly into lust. I cry my pain that never goes a way. A blunt object a dagger of sorts. To perhaps finaly end this sorrow.
I write this at about 12 am, I feel so lost inside. I feel like it's taring me appart. Relization of feelings are comming threw. Is it real. Or is it just happenstance. I am in tears at this moment. Wandering what is or what isn't what people say. Some people can be cruel. My life story invovles this. pain and torment. Apon a broken heart. I have no idea what to do to release it. It scares me so.
I just celebrated my 30th birthday. Spent it alone.
One week later ie tomorrow. I will be having bruch for my past birthday. Hopefully that will go well.
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