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Fizbop's Journal


Fizbop's Journal

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4 entries this month
 

No law can tell me what I do to my body, nor can they tell me I can't be the woman I've always been.

07:45 Mar 24 2019
Times Read: 196


What I go through on a daily basis. I wake up and the flashbacks come flooding in. Then not to shortly after Dysphoria kicks in and makes me ultra paranoid about myself. I have to constantly remind myself that these are just schizophrenic thoughts trying to harm me and bring me down.

I fighting for my life. I'm fighting to be recognized for who I truly am. No mater how many scars people give me. No matter how much of a beating I take. No matter how much trans phobic comments are made to me. I will always concur it no matter if I fall into my darkness how much pain I maybe in.

Supportive people remind me just how beautiful I truly am. I'm a fantastic beautiful trans woman and I'm down proud of that. I will fight for my right to be me without prying idiots that think it's their fucking business to define my parts by what they believe they are but this belief is wrong WRONG WRONG!.

I'm a trans woman. My parts are what I define them not what you do. You have no RIGHT to tell me what my body is no matter what. Science has proven this over and over and over again.

Like I said in my video which I'm dead serious about. I will lead this revolution to get the rights that are ours and should never be taken away because you think you know what it right for me.

NEWS FLASH.... ITS NOT WHAT YOU MAKE IT. I DEFINE MYSELF AND THAT SHOULD BE RESPECTED AND THAT IS THE BOTTOM LINE.

I'm going to model. Help me reach my goal be supportive. Generate ideas I'm an open minded gal. I'm a fucking sexy trans woman and NO ONE can take that away from me.


COMMENTS

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Crowscat
Crowscat
18:55 Mar 24 2019

We all have those bumps and self doubts that haunt us every now and then. Don't give in. Be strong. You have friends that love and support you all the way xoxo





 

A Different Side Of Life

17:49 Mar 16 2019
Times Read: 220


This is a whole new world. It’s pretty amazing what’s been going around me. What I’ve wanted since I started my transition was to do the things I missed out on growing up. Little did I know it was coming to me. Never again will I dye my hair. This painful trip though there’s been bright sides to it. It’s going to be a while before I’m completely healed. I can’t shave right now even though that annoys me to my nerves that are jittery as fuck. Set up an appointment for my doctor and hope that I can get something to speed this up. I’m so very much enjoying being a woman. I’m also seeing how my friends loved ones etc are being treated in this world of hate. We still move forward not backwards. I still have issues with my past. Though I’m making new memories for the future. Things are really looking up for me. It’s still very hard for me to battle my dysphoria and mental health. Not to mention a lot more things that are going on. I don’t feel so stressed out and in panic mode.

I have to keep reminding myself I’m beautiful despite all these itchy painful scabs. I have to avoid the itching and burning feeling I’m getting or I’m going to make it worse. I’m glad that people are looking past it. That’s easing my dysphoria a little though I still have hair that’s annoying me. You really don’t understand that I have to shave it’s a must. If I don’t I panic and run out of ideas to work around it It really hurts to see it and kills me on the inside. Though there are those that look beyond the hair and see the beautiful woman I truly am. I’ve been working on this all my life and didn’t even know I was doing it. Building my feminine self since I first drew breathe. It’s truly amazing to be myself and how everything just fell into place when I needed it to the most.

I was blindsided by things going extremely beyond well despite my speed bumps. Although I still stumble. There’s always something there that will remind me that everything is ok and that I am loved and cared for. I just had to look in the right place to see it finally. I’ve never been like this in my life. I’ve always hid from people who I truly am because I was scared of being left. It’s amazing to feel like someone’s got my back when I fall. Reminds me of what truly is and is very reassuring. So many people are gendering me correctly without any thing being said. I feel I don’t have to hide anymore. I still get paranoid and that everyone hates me feelings but I’m working harder on avoiding them. I’ve also noticed that my voice is very feminine when I’m really excited about something. It just flows out naturally.

Now if only I could figure out how to apply that to work every single time and not be scared its’ not right. I made myself realize it doesn’t matter how I sound it will work itself out. Time is a huge factor that I’m always hating. Now realizing I need to pay attention to all my small chances that lead to huge victories.

Last night I blacked the fuck out. That’s never happened to me before in my life. I am not sure what caused it. I’m finally starting to heal from the hair dye fiasco. I’m glad I can still find the beauty inside. I’m having the most unique experience of being one of the girls that I never thought possible. I’ve had this sudden urge to become a model. Something I’ve felt I need to do from deep within myself. I have the body for it. I may know people that can help me reach that goal. I’ve already got a following on instagram.

Yes I have an instagram lol. I will find a way to become a model it will happen.


COMMENTS

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Crowscat
Crowscat
22:37 Mar 16 2019

Here's to going forward and making it happen:) xoxo you got this!





 

My Transition Story.

22:26 Mar 10 2019
Times Read: 248


I didn't choose to want to be a woman. I am a woman. This is my transition story and how I finally found myself. Before I started to transition I was miserable with my life. I was pretending to be something I wasn't my whole life til 1 year and 7 months ago when I started my transition. As a child I would keep to myself and play by myself. One Halloween I asked to be a princess sadly I don't have a picture of that. I wish I did. I never felt 100% comfortable in my own body and always felt something was off. I even asked for a barbie doll just so I could play with it and dress her up and do her hair.

Something my mom doesn't even know sorry mom but I tried on your clothing in secret and tucked myself and often wondered what I would have looked like as a girl as I looked in the mirror you had. Little did I know at that time I was a girl. A few times in school I would go as a girl to school. Later on I always looked at female clothing when no one was looking at the stores. I was fascinated by all the things that could be worn. I always wondered why I couldn't have worn a dress or a skirt. When I was in my 20's I would go out to the bar to a drag show watching all these beautiful drag queens' lip syncing to popular music. I grew more and more fascinated with wanting to do that.

Then I met someone that I dated that was a drag queen. She took me out to the bar for the first time, and was dancing with me and was the first to call me a she. I didn't argue with her, I just accepted it because deep down I knew it was true. Sadly she passed away in my arms. That's a story for another time. I remember being majorly uncomfortable to shower or even change in the locker room when I was in jr high to high school. I didn't feel like I belonged in the same locker room. These are all things I've kept to myself for so very long. After my partner had passed away, I started to dress in drag and I felt a lot more happy with myself and didn't really draw a connection.

Yes I still deal with major depression and junk but I'm so happy I found myself. Yes I still have issues with my self. Often thinking I'd be better off dead. Which is a constant thing that goes on in my mind that I often get stuck in.

I'm lucky I found someone that helped me find myself. I'm so much happier though I still have my own personal demons.


COMMENTS

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Crowscat
Crowscat
00:02 Mar 11 2019

I'm glad you're in a better place now with someone who has helped you. Think positive, as hard as it is sometimes, it's worth the fight:) Life is beautiful and can be with the right mindset:)





 

Recovery

17:45 Mar 06 2019
Times Read: 284


Sorry, I haven’t written in a while. I’ve had a lot going on in my life that wasn’t really good. I’ve been trying my best to recover. I spent 2 days not knowing who I was and drinking to the point I was passing out. My life had hit an all time low. I was being extremely self destructive trying anything and everything to forgot about my pain and sorrow. I ended up getting raped. I’m still mending at this point most of my bruises and cuts have started to heal. My mind not so much. Another rape makes it 6 in my life time. That’s a lot.

Part of the problem I’ve always have had. When I reported it and called the police and went to the hospital. I’m so depressed I almost killed myself yesterday. I’ve tried to put up my walls to not get hurt again. Alas that never works for me. I put on makeup for the first time in a while. I really hate shaving all the time especially with the cuts on my face and legs. I’m in a safe place though I can not mention where. For my own safety and security and anyone else’s that may be here.

I’m not sleeping well. I toss and turn at night and have horrible nightmares especially about the events that had happened to me. I feel so lost right now. My relationships are doing ok. Not as well as I would like. The people I love matter to me and they are my priorities self care cuz I know I need to take some time to heal and try not to post depressing things on my facebook wall. I can’t help myself. I’m an attention whore. I love attention. Anyways that’s what’s been going on.


COMMENTS

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boundbyflames
boundbyflames
19:46 Mar 06 2019

you need to spend time to heal honey , I'm deeply sorry you got raped there been there done that i was raped by 3 guys at once so I know how it feels is not good impression is not good to have this in your mind, all the time.








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