I really need to stop putting all my eggs in one basket especially before they come out the chicken.
Oddly, I'm feeling good. Too bad the weather is opposite- cold, windy, wet.
And waiting on the other shoe to drop.
So maybe not happy?
I am hollowed- missing something. A lack of me.
I need something new to immerse myself in. A cause. A purpose. A way to feel connected to someone or something, and restore my connection to the world.
My emotions are not for your amusement. You can't say one thing, do another, and then ignore me like I'm a villain. How could I not see this coming?
Why crave things that are bad? If life is a test , I am failing.
thinking about the person that made me feel happy and like total crap at the same time. That's not love. That's not love. That's not love.
I'm getting good at this self-help self-talk. I'm my own therapist.
But the more we don't talk, the less I feel like I need him. I found time to chat with my cousins and my best friend forever. And time for studying, cooking, and all in all, things are so peaceful.
Another restless night, tis all.
The sadness will fade in time. I hope.
I'm so sick of tears.
1. Being flattered
2. Being amused
3. Feeling loved
1. My dad. He made me breakfast.
2. My sister. She bought me food.
3. The sunshine. It brightened the mood of a somber pet funeral.
Once empty, twice empty, third?
Bad day, bad day, bad day.
Logic: You're so stupid
Irrational: But I can get him help. I can change him.
L: You want the verbal abuse to escalate to physical. Never say never.
Ir: But he's never hurt me...physically. And I was too sad to get out of bed and eat something thurday morning. I ate breakfast at 2pm.
L: Talking to him will only make it worse.
Ir: But how can I shut him out after I stop being angry. Anger makes it easy at first, but then comes the sympathy...and every other emotion.
L: You can't fix him!
Ir: But I'm lonely.
L: It's all in your head! You imbecile! You're not lonely.
Ir: It's just. ..
L: He made you cry tonight. Didn't he?
L: Shut him out of your life for good.
I need therapy.
I texted him. And he texted me back.
And I feel better. Despite everything.
I need therapy, help, or something.
Something is wrong with me. Why do I miss him? Because he finally stopped messaging me? Even after all that was said and done- the names I been called, being broken up with 3 times over stupid stuff, the way he treats my family and friends- I have the urge to text him right now. I called my sisters, by best friend, talked with my parents- I'm trying to feel less lonely. When we weren't arguing, it was nice. Problem was, we argued all the time. Daily. And I'm constantly having to remind myself of the the reasons. It was easy when he was calling me back to back, because I could be angry. And it was sort of good for my ego. But now he's not any more, holding on to the anger is just...hard. It's not me. I'm not a bitter person.
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