Got my car fixed.
My doctor wants to put me on insulin, but I refuse.
Work is going better then expected. On track for promotion.
My situation ship keeps texting me, but hasn’t asked to see me. I asked to see him and he said “I don’t care.” So, I quit. I said it before but…I don’t know how…
My car has to go back to the shop- I'm afraid I'll end up with a repair bill of thousands of dollars that's not covered by my warranty.
Saw an ad for a free therapy program posted by an acquaintance that works as a social worker. Signed up. So that's that. First session in February.
The FWB situation- he started texting me out of the blue. Basic stuff. Dry conversation. How are you? etc. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm feeling disconnected, numb. Like I don't care if he stays or goes either way.
So, I think our friendship is over...
Anyway, the argument happened Thursday morning...over text.
I write: "Are we still friends? Would you want to see me outside of karaoke? I'm off Sunday and Monday..."
He writes: "Why do you keep asking me that when I have asked you not too?"
He had asked me not to, but I forgot, and I'm used to asking for reassurance when I don't know where I stand with people. This friendship feels rocky, at best.
I write: "Won't happen again."
He writes: "It will."
I'm speechless. Then I remember, the last time I asked, he told me he would leave me alone and not see me anymore. So...I don't know what to say. I don't respond. I just exited the conversation. We haven't communicated since then.
So things are over, right? I feel that they are. And maybe that's a good thing.
Why am I the way that I am? Putting myself into awful situations that it just about breaks me to leave.
The more people I try to open up to, the lonelier I feel.
In today's chronicles of I don't know what the eff I'm doing:
He texted me all day Tuesday, a nice flowing conversation. And finally, it amounted to "What are you doing?"
I text "Nothing much, relaxing listening to music. You?"
30 minutes later.
"What are you doing now?"
"Same as earlier. Can I come see you?"
Sure? I'm genuinely surprised he didn't give me a hard time about that question. But I'm like, meh. Gonna go meet some needs.
And when I get there, I sort of initiated sex. And it was very good, in my opinion.
And the conversation after was:
"Is that all you came over for?"
I reply "I thought that was how this worked."
And he says something to the effect of I need to use my words and stop hinting at things. I didn't say I was coming over for sex. I did not ask for sex, but rather tried to undress him or push him around a little bit. He seemed genuinely surprised at what I initiated. When he told me previously that I was not aggressive enough, I thought that was what he meant. It's not though. I do not know how to be aggressive in the way that he wants- he won't explain.
I stayed a little longer and watched tv all the while he was on his phone.
I say to him that I know he does not want more than friends with me, and I'm not trying to push for more than he's willing to give. I told him I'm not good with words and communicating my feelings but I'm trying to be different. He does not really respond at all to this.
We say our goodbyes.
Some oddities about this particular meet-up: He kissed me full on my mouth when I arrived- that's never happened before. He hugged me goodbye, and he texted me "goodnight" when I got home. All new developments for me to overthink...something we did not do before.
But then I don't hear from him until today. No calls, texts, smoke signals...
I texted him good morning. He responds. I ask how he is. He says "Good." One word. With a period. And he does not ask me back. So end of conversation.
Happy New Years! I have only one resolution- to exist. I may no better a person than I was 2 days ago, 3 months ago, 6 months ago etc. But I'll always try.
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