I give up. Just going to sit in my misery until I’m not miserable anymore.
I’m having trouble separating my objective reality from my intrusive thoughts.
My daily rumination:
I am not good enough.
I do not deserve to be happy.
I’ll never have what I want.
Nobody cares how I feel.
I’m always looking for clues to justify that these are not necessarily true, but it’s difficult. I’m exhausted. I’m just existing and I do not want to anymore. I can talk to different people about different things, but can never be fully open with any one person.
Not going to lie, I haven’t fully cut the situation loose. Feeling meh about it.
In other news, I got to be acting supervisor for a week. Fun stuff. Work is going well. Finally shed the fear of being fired any moment. Still feeling really out of place among the people.
Getting ready to move and get my own place for the first time in my life.
So…I’m doing well overall , even if my love life is an actual hot mess.
Still in therapy. Doing sleep meditation, and that’s helpful. Learned some techniques for calming my anxiety, when triggered. Not sure how my therapist is going to take the news that I had sex with the situation last week; my therapist was definitely team “I deserve better, cut him loose.” Maybe I’m not getting better.
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