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I want to clarify that I love my brother, I feel the need to say that. This trip has been good. Unfortunately, he's really only half-way tolerable when he's high, and smoking is banned on the rent-a-bus. What could we say is the pinnacle of shitty behavior from my brother through this trip? Oh boy... Maybe asking me to co-sign on a loan when I'm currently being crushed by medical bills. I mean, I will be getting all that bullshit cleared up when I get home, but very tactful to ask on our trip literally after I got out of the hospital. That was immediately after he asked my parents who both said nothing because they knew who they're dealing with. No, no, please... You, and your wife both working full-time with the huge house, and nice car, please allow me, your very sickly sister living at home with major health concerns, and a side-business to motherfucking help you out. Tasteful. And if you stop anywhere with him, grocery store, gas station, restaurant, he's that guy who wants for you to check out, follows you to the register, and puts his $30 worth of shit next to yours cause it's on you, his cigarettes, energy drinks, and all the stuff he won't tell his kids no to, you're getting that, he just waits.
How about, "We forgot to get Christmas presents," on Christmas. I watched my brother, Christmas Eve, appeal to my 6 year old baby niece, telling her that because they came here for vacation, Santa wasn't coming, she was getting no presents, and desperately trying to make her ok with that. I watched him have this conversation with a SIX YEAR OLD. Well Santa did, in fact, show up for all six of the kids via my parents, my oldest sister, and myself, we all got presents for all of them EXCEPT my bum-ass brother who, "Oh, we forgot to get Christmas presents for the kids... on Christmas." And this is a couple weeks after his wife was just bragging about getting a $500 tattoo done... You could take $20 to the motherfucking $1 store, you could do something, ANYTHING for them, they did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
But honestly today sent me over... I love my 10 year old nephew. But my 10 year old nephew is a manipulative little shit. Today is our last night here so I had the kids, around 9am, cleaning up their room getting ready to pack. I can hear them down the hallway arguing with each other, "You're fat!" "Nuh uh, you're a fatty!" So I casually walk by saying, "You're all fatties, now get it cleaned up." Saying this to ALL children in the room who all laugh about it. Several hours later... of shopping and beaching: Mt brother pulls me into his room, and towards the balcony where my 10 year old nephew is sitting in a ball crying. "So you called him a fatso."
Exfuckingscuse me?
Not fucking asking. Accusing. Confronting me as if I targeted, and bullied his child. Not asking me what happened as a fellow adult, no, treating me as though I am one of the children.
"You need to apologize to him, he's really upset."
Apologize to a child over a comment made to a group of children who all laughed about it SEVERAL HOURS AGO.
Here's the rub.
There's a gym here where we're staying, and when my nephew is bored he demands to go to the gym. And my nephew is a pretty fit kid. But suddenly because supposedly I called him fat... well, now he NEEDS to go to the gym whenever he wants or tears because, "Whahwhah, she called ME fatso."
It's manipulation. And it pisses me off that my brother is allowing it. Because now my brother is genuinely upset with me. Especially when my response to that little grifter was telling him to sack up, and stop being such a little baby. Instead of being a father, and correcting your child you choose instead attempting to "correct" me, your literal older sister... Good luck with that, fucko.
I wish that was everything, but my brother has just been the definition of a piece of shit this entire vacation. He keeps mentioning my wallet to me. Not surprising since he has outright stolen my bank card before. He keeps mentioning how much cash I have on me. Yeah... I pulled $500 out before we left. Just in case we need it. Smart thing to do. Plus, I'm at least trying to help our parents pay for gas, and food for everyone here and there, I'm not gonna fucking full mooch on people even if they got it. I haven't been monitoring my cash, I should be able to trust everyone here in my own family, right? We all know where it went if any goes missing, like I said, wouldn't be the first time. And now he wants to give me this bullshit over his child like I would deliberately do anything to hurt any of my nieces or nephews who I do everything for. Fuck right off. Time to go home.
that sounds really stressful you don't deserve that kind of treatment being accused of things.
you have a good heart of helping others out and I read you're journals on and off through out time and saw how you use to be happy then went
down hill with you're BF you tell it how it is instead of wrapped in lies like most I see on VR You deserve better then that and among that.
The fact he is still living and nothing is broken on him... I commend you. You are stronger than I. lol.
12:04 Dec 23 2024 Times Read: 223
I have had the everfuckinglovingnough of 30 year old little boys prancing around pretending to be men, falsely claiming to be "alpha" when they're all a bunch of whiney, immature, majorly emotionally stunted little perpetual victim mentality adult babies with zero accountability, everything else is someone else's faults, most importantly THEIR faults are anyone else's faults.
Grow the fuck up.
Get the fuck over it.
Get your shit together, and fucking take care of it.
Go ahead. Tell me I'm just like your mother. I hope I am. Cause I bet when you give her your "poor me, sad puppy" face, it also makes her want to rip your balls off, and watch you choke on them.
Look... I just rode 600+ miles in the back of a van with my brother xD Understand...
My wacky medical adventure just gets better and better.
I get a call from a county healhcare worker today... And she says to me, "I'm calling about your dog bite that recently put you in the hospital."
Uh... huh?
"Yeah, I was going over your paperwork, and it says you got cellulitis from a dog bite, and went septic, can you confirm?"
No...
No xD
Not at all what happened.
A dog?
Really?
A fucking dog?
Yeah, I was bitten by a dog... a few years ago. And went to a completely different hospital for that, got a shot, and sent home. I'm just... so confused how this is about a nonexistent dog xD It makes more sense now why my insurance is being such a huge titbitch, they fucking think I spent a week in hospital over a FUCKING DOG BITE.
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Because as we all know you definitely need a KIDNEY BIOPSY when you're bitten by a dog, those bites go right to the kidney.
And no body fucking told me I was septic. I didn't even have a fever. Here's a fun fact I just learned: When you're going through kidney failure you're less likely to develop a fever from sepsis. So you could literally be dying from massive infection, and think to yourself like I did, no fever, no problem.
But I could recover at home, right? Stop being such a baby, get over it myself, get over literal sepsis and organ failure AT HOME.
Fuck all that, and fuck that demon dog that apparently snuck in my room, and bit me.
What actually happened that day... I woke up in massive pain. And I have a pretty high tolerance for physical pain so when I say it was massive, it was fucking unbearable. I do not go to the hospital unless I'm forced basically, I've spent too much of my life there, I refuse to go many times when I probably should. But I was also throwing up that morning so I finally caved, and went to the local smallish hospital nearby, thinking they'd look it over, give me an antibiotic, and send me home. Of course, when I got there it exploded into much more because reviewing my medical history revealed my kidney problems which led to bloodwork which led to, "Oh shit, get you on the next ambulance to a much bigger hospital, you're actually possibly dying." I needed a kidney team specifically which only a larger hospital could accommodate so that's how I ended up transferred where an entire team of specialists, general, nephrology, infectious disease, and many more all determined that my body was in a state of crash and crisis. So for anyone to berate me for going to the hospital, and staying there like it wasn't necessary... I get it, it's insurance job to fight you, but come the fuck on, how many people have to tell you I was DYING? For fuck's sake. And I have to kinda blame the hospital on this one a little bit cause who the fuck put a dog in my paperwork xD Maybe my horrific skin lesions looked like a bite? Nah, it's just Scarlet Rot, go recover at home💀
Something I've been dreading... One of the kids is having kidney issues. My oldest niece. Everyone says she's just like me, I'd prefer it wasn't like this. Cause this shit is genetic, and that's fucking scary. My brother brought the kids over to visit after I got out of the hospital, and my oldest niece was chatting with me about what I'd missed. Apparently, she's been dealing with some pretty severe lower back, and side pain. And ya know... that could be a lot of things, a lot of easy things. In my experience, yes these can be symptoms of kidney problems, but it could also be dehydration or minor infection, you just don't know til you get it checked out. All through my childhood I was constantly sick, and the idiot doctors I saw always told my mother I was just getting kidney infections with no other probing into it. It wasn't until I was 16, and had an MRI that, uh oh, I'm all fucked up inside, and no body knew until it was too late to do anything preventive. I don't want that for my niece. I told her parents, take her to a doctor immediately, insist on getting it properly checked. Believe me, with an insurance company trying to hoist off my entire hospital stay onto me because, "You could have recovered from orgam failure at home," I get not wanting to go. I expected to go to the ER, get an antibiotic, and go back home last week. But this is your daughter. She popped back over today after school, and told me that after collapsing from pain a couple days ago, they finally took her. And they said it's not an infection or dehydration. And they want to do an ultrasound. And that terrifies me for her. An ultrasound is nothing, it's easy. But the possibile implications... And if it is something, it'll be an MRI, it'll be a biopsy. Ya know, I had a kidney biopsy last week, and... I've had biopsies before, breezed through them, but this one fucking sucked. It made me realize that most of my hospital experience was confined to a very well acclaimed children's hospital because I was relatively young the first time I went through all this. They sedated me much harder in the children's hospital. In the adult version it was, "Here's some Fentonyl, try not to scream while I jab you repeatedly." And the thing about pain medication is that I'm resistant to it, it doesn't really get me high, just makes me a little sleepy. So I felt the entire thing while the nurse begged the doctor to give me more drugs. I'm glad I did it because it proved my kidney is in much better shape than they thought, but holy fuck was it awful to have to do. It's another one of those things that makes me sit back, and wonder if the fight is worth it, if all this struggle is worth it. Everyone responds to that by telling me how young I am. I don't feel young. I feel like I've been in a prison for 500 years, and I'm constantly wondering why I don't just walk out the door. Dark thoughts. My heart is gone, my body is shot, my mind is still there, but all peace is absent. It's not that I want to die. I'm just tired of living like this.
Hilariously, I got a letter from my insurance today literally telling me that because I wasn't actually dying, they're denying me coverage xD
Because... I was "too stable", and my blood pressure wasn't low enough, they straight up told me that I had no right being admitted to the hospital, and should have simply recovered at home.
Recover at home... from my ongoing acute kidney failure, and incurable skin lesions eating away straight into my nerves.
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No seriously. Fuck the American Healthcare system. This is exactly why people are getting shot. Despite my bloodwork showing that my body was about to give out, then being forced into hospital admission, and kept way longer than I wanted by a slew of doctors telling me how close to death I was, I just wasn't quite close enough because... blood pressure. All those treatments and procedures? They deem unnecessary. Cause ya know... I definitely opened a medical dictionary, threw a handful of darts, and told them to run whatever tests they landed on, I wanted that, I asked to be tortured. Fucking morons.
This is the kinda shit that caused me to stop taking my immunosuppressants to begin with.becausr why fight it? The government says I'm fine, I don't need any treatment or meds. Sounds good to me. I will come back when I'm literally dying. Won't fucking take long, assholes.
My Blackcraft Cult order finally came in, and... I've got mixed feelings about it. It took almost a month to get here. Usually I'm willing to cut places some slack on shipping during the holidays, Black Friday in particular, but it took almost a month for this to make it a couple states over, and didn't even ship for like 2-3 weeks. So. I do love the design, and I don't order from them often, but the quality here is... not it. I bought this during their 40% off sale, and at 40% this still costs $70, originally over $100. For a crop hoodie and shorts. I dunno, that's a little excessive for two items. And for over $100 for a crop hoodie + shorts, I kinda expected it to be embroidered. Because it doesn't specify in the description. But at that price point... You'd expect embroidery over screenprinting. You'd be wrong. In my experience, BCC makes quality clothes, st least they have in the past. This is very Hot Topic/Dolls Kill lowish quality. It's ok, it'll work, and because I love the design I will wear it, but it could definitely be better.
While I was away at hospital, I come home to find that my mother... cleaned my room.
And I know, and you know, we both know she definitely found some shit she didn't wanna see. Perfectly normal stuff for a woman to have... but stuff you really wouldn't want your mother making contact with. Ever.
She was just trying to help me of course. My health has been on the downslide since... well since about when Wolfie left. So I blamed how crappy I felt on that, on depression especially for a long time. And Wolfie leaving definitely took a toll on me physically because it took a toll on me in every way, he's the love of my life, he was my best friend, and he, justified or not, was suddenly gone. But obviously it was more than that. Why did I stop taking my immunosuppressants? It was a lot to do with money and insurance, not having enough of either. I couldn't ask my parents for money, and Wolfie had already given me money more than once so I couldn't bring myself to keep asking him even though he did so with never hesitation, never complained about it, always very happily helped me when I needed it. But... I knew women had used him for it in the past, and I didn't want him to ever look back, and think of me like that. In fact, when I was better off eventually I even tried to pay him back, and he wouldn't allow it because... he wanted to tale care of me. It's one of those things that reminds me, Wolfie really did love me. And it was definitely partially selfish to put myself in jeopardy like that. But at that point, even being able to handle stuff myself, I'd been off my meds so long, and I wasn't feeling any consequences from it yet, that I guess I thought I just didn't need them. Because my doctors had always told me that missing even one dose could send me into rejection, and I'd missed a lot more than that by now, and I actually felt better than ever. My stomach now, being back on my meds, feels pretty not great, but I'm also temporarily on three different antibiotics which is a lot. When I went to tgw pharmacy to pick them all up the pharmacist even remarked on how much it was, and like straight up asked me if I was ok xD Like, yeah... Once they drop off I'll be back to the two immunosuppressants, a lower dose of them even. When I got to the hospital the kidney doctor kinda treated me like a dead-woman walking because my labwork was so abysmal. My blood especially... I mentioned how I had to have a blood transfusion. A healthy blood count is at least 25, and mine was a 7 so I was basically nearly running on fumes. Plus when she looked at my kidney bloodwork, it was pretty fucking bad, but you can't 100% tell via blood how bad off the kidney is, that's why they did a biopsy which actually showed I have a lot more viable tissue than anyone would have believed, especially after five years no meds, 17 years after my transplant. Everyone found that to be pretty miraculous. I'm back home now, snuggled in my own bed with my cat. That's one thing that made me so homesick, I missed my cat xD He's my baby. My mom took really good care of him, she treats him like he's one of her grandchildren, I come home to him fatter, and more spoiled than ever. Pretty sure he's been stress eating xD We cuddled on the couch for an hour before I finally went up to bed because I am still in recovery, and need to rest, and get better before we leave on vacation in a week. That's another reason I was anxious to get home, I'm not even remotely packed yet, and I still have a couple levels left to get up to 1000 still. I considered hopping on 76 when I got home, but I really do need to rest, and getting home was exhausting. The first couple days in the hospital are pretty great, being encouraged to stay in bed, and get waited on completely is nice, but eventually it starts to feel like a prison, and that's when I get really antsy to go home. They also always put my IV in my inner elbow so I have to keep my arm pretty straight, and that gets painful after awhile. But apparently I have extremely small dainty veins, and abnormally stretchy skin so sticking needles in my veins is very difficult. Just another delightful thing brought to you by my body. One of the first times in my life I've wished I was fucking huge so it'd be easier to stick my freak veins xD
So one of the reasons I'm in the hospital, I have this rare autoimmune skin thing, and I have a rash of it on my leg. Not a large area, not hugely inconvenient, but still. And the only way to fully cure this rash is to surgically cut that portion of skin out, and replace it with a skin graft. And every time I explain this to someone, especially the words "skin graft", they make a face like this:
😬
...
Ya know what doesn't make me wanna get surgery? Faces like this:
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And surgery isn't necessary, you can manage it, it'll just never fully go away unless you cut it out. My kidney doctor is also unhappy with me because I've given them a week, and they've dragged their asses on everyfuckingthing. I am extremely patient... But I'm done waiting to go home especially when they're not doing anything with me. It took all fucking week to do one little biopsy... And the good news is that my kidney is clutching in there, it still has viable tissue, it's still functional, I can go back on my immunosuppressants, and go home. But. They want me to do a three day steroid treatment before I go home. If they had done my biopsy when I got here on Saturday, we'd be done with all that by now. So I'm kinda pissed off, kinda told them no, I'll come back, and do that after the new year. So my doctor, obviously irritated with my choice to go home, tells me I can do the steroids at home, I'll need to have my labs closely monitored. I'm sorry that this whole hospital seems to have it's head up it's ass, but like... I've given you a week, of which I've spent about 98% of it just sitting here, not even getting IV fluids, literally no reason for me to be here. All of this shit is outpatient stuff, and I understand it's more convenient to just keep me here, but... I need to go home. I understand that because I haven't taken my immunosuppressants in like 5 years they don't really trust me to take my medicine, look... I have good reasons for the choices I've made which no body knew I wasn't taking, even Wolfie didn't know. And apparently most people are dead, or going into organ failure, two weeks after not taking their meds so going five years is kind of impressive. My doctor is gonna be real pissed off if I ever tell her I'm not going back on dialysis. That's pretty much going to be a death sentence when the time comes so I haven't really decided what I'll do... Obviously I don't want to die, but I'm not sure my life is worth fighting for. Not... fighting this hard anyway. Dialysis is torture. And sure, that was 17 years ago, I'm older now, maybe I'd take it better, maybe things are better. I want to at least try, I'm just scared to, and I don't know if it's worth it.
Just my opinion, and of course you don't know me from the next person.... I would say your life is worth fighting for. I really hope that they step up and give you all the proper care you deserve and need. I know what it is like to fight with doctors.... It is beyond frustrating to put it very mildly. Again, I know you don't know me, but if you ever just need someone to talk to, vent to... I will listen. :)
Hey! I know it's totally frustrating but my opinion the doctor's know what they are doing. Hospital stay can be overwhelming but you're where they can monitor you better. As overcrowded hospitals are,I'm sure if they felt you were better off home they would send you home. Hang in there! You're life is precious!!! I will be praying for you. Keep us posted on how you're doing. Hugs
22:48 Dec 11 2024 Times Read: 634
It's hard to admit that my health has been in major physical decline these past 18 months. On some level I'm glad Wolfie isn't here, I don't think I could bear for him to watch it.
Besides. A cute, tall, glasses-wearing guy got to see me half-naked during my ultrasound today. So close enough~
I swear if another person tells me how rare/surgically interesting/complex I am... It's not comforting.
Planet of the Apes... fills me with nostalgia. When I was little, and my mom was gone away, and my dad had to take care of us. On snow days he'd stay home, make oatmeal with cinnamon sugar toast, watch stuff like Planet of the Apes, Logan's Run, and Star Trek or watching him play Eye of the Beholder on SNES.
It's a cozy memory~
Four IVs, three ultrasounds, 2 CTs, and a blood transfusion later...
But ya know. I got a bed, food, an army of nurses on command, and the OG Planet of the Apes on the TV. So it ain't all bad~
I got to ride in an ambulance for the first time in my life today. Honestly, surprised it took this long. I've gone from Dilaudid to Fentanyl to Morphine because I am in excruciating pain. I have a pretty high tolerance to pain so when I say EXCRUCIATING, yeah, that's pretty fucking bad.
On the other hand, I now also have an entire team of kidney doctors paying attention to me. Unrelated to the excruciating pain. I ain't dying yet. This is why you don't go to the doctor. You go in for something small, and suddenly they're holding you captive, won't let you leave. Yes, I understand that my kidney is bad, that it's very quickly physically declining, that my heart could stop at any second. And how long has every kidney doctor I've called basically told me to go fuck myself? Since August? But thanks to one extremely kind, determined ER doctor, I now have a whole damn transplant team looking me over.
Thank the powers that be for that one extremely kind, determined ER doctor.
23:03 Dec 02 2024 Times Read: 805
Disturbia never disappoints me🖤
Killstar disappoints me. Hot Topic disappoints me. Mall brands in general disappoint me. But Disturbia always has quality shit. I feel like Disturbia is what Killstar used to be before Killstar got too fucking big, and kinda bowed down to more repetitive, generic mainstream designs. I can still find things I like from Killstar, but every year it seems like I find less and less. I did end up not getting the matching leggings for the hoodie because they had really bad reviews about the snakes immediately peeling off. The hoodie had all really good reviews though, and it's super cute, and if they peel off, oh well, it was only like $38 xD
COMMENTS
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MasterChief
03:45 Dec 28 2024
that sounds really stressful you don't deserve that kind of treatment being accused of things.
you have a good heart of helping others out and I read you're journals on and off through out time and saw how you use to be happy then went
down hill with you're BF you tell it how it is instead of wrapped in lies like most I see on VR You deserve better then that and among that.
CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
01:14 Dec 30 2024
The fact he is still living and nothing is broken on him... I commend you. You are stronger than I. lol.